Flash fiction prelims!/UPDATED

You guyz are brilliant.

NLiu

Nov 30th

A Kalispell resident reported a "shady-looking guy" with a large dog was standing in her neighbor's yard and staring at her house. Upon investigation, police discovered the interlopers were in fact a life-size inflatable Santa and Rudolph. When pressed as to why she had not mentioned the man and his animal companion were glowing brightly, the resident said she "didn't want to alarm anyone".

This was a reader favorite! 
Gotta say, I loved it too.

Steve Forti

Wife arrested for stabbing husband blames his “repeated terror”.

It started with a pencil. He found another one. Called it his “Number Two Number Two”. Later, her ballet outfit was too tight, cut off feeling in her legs. So he threw it out. Her second favorite outfit was even tighter. So he got rid of her “Number Number Two Tutu”, too.

Officers say the final straw came this afternoon when the husband, exiting the bathroom, announced that he had just taken his second favorite follow up defecation. Or, as he put it, his “Number Two Number Two Number Two.”

I don't want to encourage Mr. Forti.
He will just keep punishing us.

AJ Blythe

A Eureka man called 911 to report a missing house. He’d come home from the pub to find his house gone and another in its place.

I meant for you to make stuff up AJ, not tell people things that happened to me. Although thank you for disguising by saying man and Eureka.



B.I.Hirsch 

Charges against a local school bus driver for violating a restraining order were dropped Wednesday. Agnes Bleaker of Pine Street reported the crime, Monday, when she returned home from work.
“It's my g— d— ex, Jerome,” she told 911. “He dresses like Big Foot whenever he's horny. I told him enough already.”
School officials immediately helped police locate the driver who was arrested.
Officers responding to the scene noted the crime was still in progress and the actual perpetrator was a black bear.
The children on the bus were located and will be sent home. They appeared unharmed.

There are no words for this video, and the story was ripped from the headlines!


InkStainedWench

A Flathead coffee shop has filed a missing bear report with police after discovering its mascot missing Tuesday morning. The animal was absent when employees arrived, and a 50-lb bag of Liberica beans was found torn open and half empty, police said.

The bear is described as black, 5'8” tall (when upright), and 317 lbs. The public is urged to notify police if the bear is spotted; although not considered armed, he is likely to be quite jittery. He can be lured with salmon or a macchiato, and answers to the name of the shop, Brew Inn.

It took me three reads to get the Brew Inn joke. I'm clearly befuddled (nothing new there.)
this is hilarious!

BrianH

While the city of Dumerville reels at the theft of the World’s Largest Bale of Hay, a new lead has emerged. Local police report that at 22:48 yesterday, a suspect was apprehended for vandalism of dictionaries at the Dumerville Library. Emma Lowett Bulb (56) later confessed to stealing the city’s prized roadside attraction with the intention of “springing a friend,” a Mr. Moran of St. Albinus County, recently arraigned. The attraction has not been recovered, but a police spokesperson confirmed that search parties are active. Ms. Bulb is being held pending bale.

You go stand over there with Mr. Forti, my nemesis.


Colin Smith

12:30am Terrified lady reported home invasion. Suspect entered through second floor bedroom window. 100 Grove Lane.

1:02am Officer called for backup. Two aggressive, possibly rabid, individuals. One appeared to be wearing a police uniform. Attacked during routine patrol. 100 Grove Lane.

1:34am Officer called for backup. Three aggressive, possibly rabid, individuals. Two appeared to be wearing police uniforms. Attacked during routine patrol. 100 Grove Lane.

2:10am Officer called for backup. Four aggressive, possibly rabid, individuals. Three appeared to be wearing police uniforms. Attacked during routine patrol. 100 Grove Lane.

3:00am Fire at 100 Grove Lane. Arson suspected. Kalispell priest arrested.

Clearly I'm missing something because this one eludes me.
Help! 

Ok, got it! Vampires!
I'm clueless about vampire stuff, sorry Colin.

this is the kind of writing that gets "great stuff, just not for me" on query responses.


Matt Krizan

A man was found dead this morning in his Kalispell home. Several prominent members of the community who attended a dinner party at the man’s home the previous evening are being treated as persons of interest. While the exact cause of death is as of yet unknown, a number of suspicious objects were found in the vicinity of the body, among them a candlestick, a rope, and a lead pipe. The investigation is ongoing.

Yes, for this one I had a CLUE!


CED

A Kalispell man was arrested for terrorizing the downtown area in an oversized ant costume. He claimed to be following all local COVID regulations by "social insecting, wearing a mask, and maintaining six feet."

I'm still laughing at this one.
The six feet thing is priceless.


Marie McKay

A woman called 911 to say her sister needed to report a missing person. When asked who was missing the woman explained it was herself. She confirmed she had taken a number of wrong turns on the drive to her sister's which meant her sister wouldn't have clue where she was.

How is it you and AJ Blythe know this much about me?


Just Jan

2:24 pm: A birthday cake was reported missing. The baker claimed that a neighbor’s goat had butted its way into the party right before the disappearance because it was “jealous of my two-year-old granddaughter.” The toddler, who appeared inconsolable, was apparently fine after a nap. The goat is still on the lam.

I'd be wailing like a banshee if my cake was stolen by a scofflaw goat!

JanR

Fri, Aug 15, 1057
By Kenneth MacDuff
Police were called to 9 Fife Street by a man who had “lost all his pretty chickens and their dam at one fell swoop.” He wanted to invite the cops to a chicken dinner.

Wed, Nov 1, 1508
By Desdemona Moor
The substance that neighbours reported as “foul charms or minerals that weakens motion” turned out to be calcium tablets.

Thurs, April 23, 1607
By Anne Hathaway
A woman called to ask if her husband could be cited for getting history wrong. He couldn’t. He had a poetic license.

Well, the police blotter IS a classic!

Michael Seese

Local noted numismatist Penelope "Penny" Reed died yesterday in the parlor of her Roosevelt Avenue home.

Police suspect foul play to be involved, as Ms. Reed’s body was discovered with 96 Morgan Dollars crammed into her mouth. No other weapons were found, as Ms. Reed was widely known to have an abnormal fear of hammers, baseball bats, tubas, and other blunt instruments.

According to Police Chief Lincoln Nichols, "Clearly the killer understood the old adage. If you can't beat 'em, coin 'em."

Services will be held at the Washington and Jefferson Funeral Home.

You too can join Mr. Forti in the corner.
Smart wordsmiths the lot of you.


I'm laughing too hard to pick just one.
Help me out. Tell me your fave, and if I left anything out.

oh! And what is Colin's about??? thanks for all your help on that one!


Update: sorry this update is so late. I was chained to my desk today working on revisions with a client.
I finally got the pages done about 9pm and had to take a short break before diving in here.


I read all these again, and it's still hard to choose just one!

In the end I had to go with the entry that is so clearly about me and my sister: Marie McKay!

Marie, let me know your mailing address and what you like to read these days. I think all of our tastes are changing a bit during these interesting times.


Thanks to all you who took the time to write and post entries.
It was great fun to read them all, and made for a nice break from reading over the weekend.

I'm making serious progress on my queries and requested fulls, thanks to all of you generously helping out with blog content for a while.