Monday, July 20, 2020

Flash fiction prelims!/UPDATED

You guyz are brilliant.

Nov 30th

A Kalispell resident reported a "shady-looking guy" with a large dog was standing in her neighbor's yard and staring at her house. Upon investigation, police discovered the interlopers were in fact a life-size inflatable Santa and Rudolph. When pressed as to why she had not mentioned the man and his animal companion were glowing brightly, the resident said she "didn't want to alarm anyone".
This was a reader favorite! 
Gotta say, I loved it too.

Steve Forti
Wife arrested for stabbing husband blames his “repeated terror”.

It started with a pencil. He found another one. Called it his “Number Two Number Two”. Later, her ballet outfit was too tight, cut off feeling in her legs. So he threw it out. Her second favorite outfit was even tighter. So he got rid of her “Number Number Two Tutu”, too.

Officers say the final straw came this afternoon when the husband, exiting the bathroom, announced that he had just taken his second favorite follow up defecation. Or, as he put it, his “Number Two Number Two Number Two.”
I don't want to encourage Mr. Forti.
He will just keep punishing us.

AJ Blythe
A Eureka man called 911 to report a missing house. He’d come home from the pub to find his house gone and another in its place.

I meant for you to make stuff up AJ, not tell people things that happened to me. Although thank you for disguising by saying man and Eureka.

Charges against a local school bus driver for violating a restraining order were dropped Wednesday. Agnes Bleaker of Pine Street reported the crime, Monday, when she returned home from work.
“It's my g— d— ex, Jerome,” she told 911. “He dresses like Big Foot whenever he's horny. I told him enough already.”
School officials immediately helped police locate the driver who was arrested.
Officers responding to the scene noted the crime was still in progress and the actual perpetrator was a black bear.
The children on the bus were located and will be sent home. They appeared unharmed.

There are no words for this video, and the story was ripped from the headlines!

A Flathead coffee shop has filed a missing bear report with police after discovering its mascot missing Tuesday morning. The animal was absent when employees arrived, and a 50-lb bag of Liberica beans was found torn open and half empty, police said.

The bear is described as black, 5'8” tall (when upright), and 317 lbs. The public is urged to notify police if the bear is spotted; although not considered armed, he is likely to be quite jittery. He can be lured with salmon or a macchiato, and answers to the name of the shop, Brew Inn.

It took me three reads to get the Brew Inn joke. I'm clearly befuddled (nothing new there.)
this is hilarious!

While the city of Dumerville reels at the theft of the World’s Largest Bale of Hay, a new lead has emerged. Local police report that at 22:48 yesterday, a suspect was apprehended for vandalism of dictionaries at the Dumerville Library. Emma Lowett Bulb (56) later confessed to stealing the city’s prized roadside attraction with the intention of “springing a friend,” a Mr. Moran of St. Albinus County, recently arraigned. The attraction has not been recovered, but a police spokesperson confirmed that search parties are active. Ms. Bulb is being held pending bale.
You go stand over there with Mr. Forti, my nemesis.

Colin Smith
12:30am Terrified lady reported home invasion. Suspect entered through second floor bedroom window. 100 Grove Lane.

1:02am Officer called for backup. Two aggressive, possibly rabid, individuals. One appeared to be wearing a police uniform. Attacked during routine patrol. 100 Grove Lane.

1:34am Officer called for backup. Three aggressive, possibly rabid, individuals. Two appeared to be wearing police uniforms. Attacked during routine patrol. 100 Grove Lane.

2:10am Officer called for backup. Four aggressive, possibly rabid, individuals. Three appeared to be wearing police uniforms. Attacked during routine patrol. 100 Grove Lane.

3:00am Fire at 100 Grove Lane. Arson suspected. Kalispell priest arrested.

Clearly I'm missing something because this one eludes me.

Ok, got it! Vampires!
I'm clueless about vampire stuff, sorry Colin.

this is the kind of writing that gets "great stuff, just not for me" on query responses.

Matt Krizan

A man was found dead this morning in his Kalispell home. Several prominent members of the community who attended a dinner party at the man’s home the previous evening are being treated as persons of interest. While the exact cause of death is as of yet unknown, a number of suspicious objects were found in the vicinity of the body, among them a candlestick, a rope, and a lead pipe. The investigation is ongoing.
Yes, for this one I had a CLUE!

A Kalispell man was arrested for terrorizing the downtown area in an oversized ant costume. He claimed to be following all local COVID regulations by "social insecting, wearing a mask, and maintaining six feet."
I'm still laughing at this one.
The six feet thing is priceless.

Marie McKay
A woman called 911 to say her sister needed to report a missing person. When asked who was missing the woman explained it was herself. She confirmed she had taken a number of wrong turns on the drive to her sister's which meant her sister wouldn't have clue where she was.
How is it you and AJ Blythe know this much about me?

Just Jan
2:24 pm: A birthday cake was reported missing. The baker claimed that a neighbor’s goat had butted its way into the party right before the disappearance because it was “jealous of my two-year-old granddaughter.” The toddler, who appeared inconsolable, was apparently fine after a nap. The goat is still on the lam.
I'd be wailing like a banshee if my cake was stolen by a scofflaw goat!

Fri, Aug 15, 1057
By Kenneth MacDuff
Police were called to 9 Fife Street by a man who had “lost all his pretty chickens and their dam at one fell swoop.” He wanted to invite the cops to a chicken dinner.

Wed, Nov 1, 1508
By Desdemona Moor
The substance that neighbours reported as “foul charms or minerals that weakens motion” turned out to be calcium tablets.

Thurs, April 23, 1607
By Anne Hathaway
A woman called to ask if her husband could be cited for getting history wrong. He couldn’t. He had a poetic license.

Well, the police blotter IS a classic!

Michael Seese
Local noted numismatist Penelope "Penny" Reed died yesterday in the parlor of her Roosevelt Avenue home.

Police suspect foul play to be involved, as Ms. Reed’s body was discovered with 96 Morgan Dollars crammed into her mouth. No other weapons were found, as Ms. Reed was widely known to have an abnormal fear of hammers, baseball bats, tubas, and other blunt instruments.

According to Police Chief Lincoln Nichols, "Clearly the killer understood the old adage. If you can't beat 'em, coin 'em."

Services will be held at the Washington and Jefferson Funeral Home.
You too can join Mr. Forti in the corner.
Smart wordsmiths the lot of you.

I'm laughing too hard to pick just one.
Help me out. Tell me your fave, and if I left anything out.

oh! And what is Colin's about??? thanks for all your help on that one!

Update: sorry this update is so late. I was chained to my desk today working on revisions with a client.
I finally got the pages done about 9pm and had to take a short break before diving in here.

I read all these again, and it's still hard to choose just one!

In the end I had to go with the entry that is so clearly about me and my sister: Marie McKay!

Marie, let me know your mailing address and what you like to read these days. I think all of our tastes are changing a bit during these interesting times.

Thanks to all you who took the time to write and post entries.
It was great fun to read them all, and made for a nice break from reading over the weekend.

I'm making serious progress on my queries and requested fulls, thanks to all of you generously helping out with blog content for a while.



Steve Forti said...

Pretty sure Colin's is about zombies.

NLiu said...

I think Colin's involved a zombie infestation that was dealt with in an extrajudicial manner by the local priest and maybe a flamethrower.

Tough to pick just one of these, though if a jittery bear with a lead pipe cornered me and forced me to choose, I'd say Matt Krizan or InkStainedWench.

Colin Smith said...

I was thinking vampire ("second floor window"--remember 'Salem's Lot?), but zombies work too. :)

C. Dan Castro said...

Agree Colin's entry involves zombies, and when the priest's "Power of Christ commands you" didn't make a dent, he went with fire.

BrianH's "pending bale" was my favorite.

Nom de plume said...

All are hilarious and fun! I vote for NLiu!

Brigid said...

I loved this--both the prompt and the entries. NLiu has my vote too.

Steve Forti, no jury would convict.

nightsmusic said...

So many good ones! And all the subtle plays on words.

BrianH Emma Lowett Bulb...low watt bulb...

Colin I want to thank you very much for bringing back a book that scared the crap out of me at the time. I read it while traveling back from Florida as the passenger on a motorcycle. What? You can only take so much scenery! When I got home, I didn't open my windows, blinds or doors for days after!

AJ, That's hysterical! Remind me to tell you sometime about my sister in law getting in the car at the gas station and not understanding why it wouldn't start...

InkStainedWench, Brew Inn! Hahahahaha

Too many others to point out but boy, they all were wonderful so I'm not help. I had nothing this time, but I think you're on your own with this one, Janet.

Timothy Lowe said...

How fun! Thanks for the laughs!

JanR said...

NLiu, so funny!

My favourite is one you did leave out, Janet…Hannah’s – I thought it was perfect mastery of the form, with the perfect twist.

More shout-outs: I really liked shanepatrickwrites’ line “Resident denounces graffiti under bridge, says old graffiti was better.” And Nom de plume’s idea of growing a wyvern from seed is delightful. And Brian H and CED and InkStainedWench… gotta love the puns, especially when there’s a bear-sized setup.

Thank you everyone for a fun weekend.

BrianH said...

I'd vote for NLiu's or Colin's. I know if I glowed brightly, I'd try hard not to alarm people, and while we may not know exactly what Colin's is about, I think we can agree it would be a terrible counting game for children (one, two, three rabid undead! Ahaha!).

InkStainedWench, I thought we might encounter a pun about the right to bear arms in yours :)

nightmusic, the original version of mine included the Homophonic Error Response Organization (HERO), but that got axed for excessive wackiness. Poor Emma remained.

LynnRodz said...

AJ, has my vote, short and hilarious.

Fearless Reider said...

Just what I needed today. The Reef did not disappoint!

Just Jan said...

NLiu and Matt Krizan made me laugh the most, but seriously, these all were so much fun to read! Thanks for changing it up for this round, Janet.

dsw said...

BI Hirsch has my vote, although they're all great!

Cecilia Ortiz Luna said...

I loved the entries by NLiu, BI Hirsch and Matt Krizan.

But really, all of them were hilarious.

Beth Carpenter said...

NLiu, InkStainedWench, and Matt Krizen are my top three, but you couldn't go wrong with anything on this list. So funny! You are all amazing!

Unknown said...

They're all very good!

BI Hirsch was my favorite.

Kate Larkindale said...

They're all very good, but I particularly enjoyed Inkstained Wench's story.

Good luck picking a winner!

Matt Krizan said...

Lots of good ones. Of the one's listed, I'd pick InkStainedWench's. My favorite, though, was shanepatrickwrites. Love the "One of them valves is plumb stuck."

Lennon Faris said...

Ha! these were all hilarious.

My vote might go to AJ since she incorporated the unreliable narrator-ish feel, but it still sounded like a blotter, and I got it and it was super funny and all under 30 words.

Well done, everyone!

Nom de plume said...

Why thank you!

Colin Smith said...

Congratulations, Marie!

I know horror's not your thing, Janet, so that's perfectly okay. At least I got a "great stuff" from you, and I helped nightsmusic relive nightmares, so my work is done. ;)

I have updated the Contest Spreadsheet in the Treasure Chest.

NLiu said...

Congratulations Marie McKay!

AJ Blythe said...

Ooops, sorry, Janet, did I let the cat out of the bag ;)

Thanks Nightsmusic, LynnRodz and Lennon for the shout out and a huge congrats to Marie for channeling not just Janet but her sister as well.

I loved reading the entries for this. Everyone had so much fun with the topic I giggled my way through reading them.

nightsmusic said...

Congrats to Marie! While I have no siblings, I get it ;)

This was fun!

Marie McKay said...

Thanks, Janet. I'm so chuffed. First time I have ever read Flathead Beacon's police blog so thanks for that introduction,too. The competition was a lot of fun. There was something freeing about being able to pare everything back.
I also really enjoyed reading everyone's hilarious stories. Thanks, again.

JanR said...

Hurrah Marie McKay ! Well deserved, that was a brilliant picture of how our brains talk us into the most convoluted logic :) A lovely character gem!

Marie McKay said...

Thank you, JanR!

Beth Carpenter said...

Congratulations, Marie! I completely identified with the woman who called in.