Great Gassy Goblins, we have a winner!

It was heinously hard to select a winner; you've really outdone yourselves this time!

There were some lines that just cracked me up:

"sinister seaport of Vordak’s nemesis, the Query Shark"
(Patty Blount 10:02am)


"Yes, 'tis a heinous thing, jumping the shark, but it's far more painful to miss the landing. CHOMP!"
(Josin L. McQuein 12:56pm)

"Holy molars!"
(L.Bowser 1:48pm)

"Lucy approached the shark tank to pet her minion, Query."
(Lisa B 4:32pm)


Some lines were quite evocative:

"headgear framing her face like the winning entry in a bicycle crash contest."
(Jinlong 1:25pm)

"the sinister slid from his expression"
(I Like Cheese 1:56pm)

"heinous was the new sinister."
(NotJana 7:12pm)




Minimalism is the new heinous, which I'm told is the new sinister:
(Haste yee back ;-) 12:59pm)
(kd Easley 1:01pm)
(Jesse 4:19pm)


Just plain cracked me up:
Laurel 4:34 pm ("Sorry, Your Heinous"--I'm STILL laughing)
Lucy Woodhull 7:04pm (servicing the Loathsomobile)
Grace 12:35pm

Cameo appearance by my favorite goat
Sha'el, Princess of Pixies (10:18pm)

Homage to Twilight
Claire Svendsen 10:58pm

Homage to Harry Potter
Megan B (11:30pm)





Special recognition for poetry:
Humortic (11:08am)
River (12:17pm)

Tess (11:44pm)
Catherine (12:20am)

Simon C. Larter (1:05pm)


Special recognition for really really BAD poetry:
Vordak 4:04pm


Here are the stories that made the final cut:
Tom M. Franklin (10:29am)
Steve Forti (11:21am)

Brian Buckley (12:41pm)
Rebecca T. Little (5:39pm)

Nate Wilson (10:57pm)


Special recognition for a very very strange interpretation of "Tell Me A Story"Vordak 11:58AM



Here are the four entries that made the final list:

Patrick DiOrio (11:53am)

We squared off. We fought. He utilized the martial arts attack perfected by Foo Yu Wuns. I countered with the classic Yo Mofo defense. It worked. I defeated the heinous evildoer, Ballstothewalls.

But when I removed the concealing headgear of my nemesis, I discovered that it was his minion, Kissass, whom I had defeated. Ballstothewalls was hiding in the sinister shadows, waiting. He attacked with the indefensible Urassisgrass. Enough. I shot the sumbitch with a .357 magnum. He died at my feet.

“Let this be a lesson,” I said. “Even with Ballstothewalls, your ass is grass against a gun.”

SarahW (12:13pm)

When I was in middle school, I wore heinous orthodontal headgear to correct a severe overbite. But there was nothing so painful that Phllip Sanderborne--- my nemesis since the Panty Elastic Incident in first grade---couldn't make worse.


He called me RoboRat, a nickname that stuck. He tried to electrocute me with static and snapped the elastic that kept my wires in place until I cried in class. His minions delivered sinister notes that compared me to bucktoothed roadkill.

I swore that I would spend the rest of my life making him pay for his crimes.

Reader, I married him.

Michael G-G (1:19pm)

“Sinister, Dexter.”

My nemesis, Sr. Dolores, marches me round the detention room. Never trust someone who jokes in Latin. It’s heinous.

“That’s right, Dexter O’Donnell,” she says. “You’ll not forget your sinister left from your dextrous right now, will you?”

Before I can reply, her eyes glaze over and a whirring comes from her headgear. The black part lifts with hydraulic smoothness, revealing Virgil, the class gerbil. He’s dressed in ninja black.

“Virgil,” I stammer. “I thought you were Sister’s favorite pet.”

He clutches Vordak’s manual of menace to his chubby little chest. “I’m nobody’s minion,” he says. “Caveat emptor!”

Cole Howard (8:29pm)

“Sinister, derived from the Latin ‘sin’ and English’s ‘sister’, carries the literal meaning ‘heinous nun’ or, more commonly, ‘God’s disguised nemesis.’”

No one laughs as they devote their notebooks to his revelation.

“I dnt thnk tht’s wut tht acshuly mns,” I say, humming from on high in the back of class. I don’t raise my hand like his front-row minions, and his eyes are in communion with annoyance.

“Good heavens, Moses, I never understand you,” he says, tracing his jaw. “Does your headgear actually affect your brain, or just your speech?” Even Aaron laughs. Somewhere inside me the bush engulfs.

It was very very hard to select a winner but after careful consideration the winner of the Great Gassy Goblins Writing Contest is SarahW (who is great but not gassy nor a goblin!)

Sarah, if you'll send me your mailing address we'll send you a copy of the manual of menace HOW TO GROW UP AND RULE THE WORLD, and a mug to drink tea as you plan your attack.

Congratulations to everyone who entered; thanks for a hilarious time!