Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Great Gassy Goblins, we have a winner!

It was heinously hard to select a winner; you've really outdone yourselves this time!

There were some lines that just cracked me up:

"sinister seaport of Vordak’s nemesis, the Query Shark"
(Patty Blount 10:02am)

"Yes, 'tis a heinous thing, jumping the shark, but it's far more painful to miss the landing. CHOMP!"
(Josin L. McQuein 12:56pm)

"Holy molars!"
(L.Bowser 1:48pm)

"Lucy approached the shark tank to pet her minion, Query."
(Lisa B 4:32pm)

Some lines were quite evocative:

"headgear framing her face like the winning entry in a bicycle crash contest."
(Jinlong 1:25pm)

"the sinister slid from his expression"
(I Like Cheese 1:56pm)

"heinous was the new sinister."
(NotJana 7:12pm)

Minimalism is the new heinous, which I'm told is the new sinister:
(Haste yee back ;-) 12:59pm)
(kd Easley 1:01pm)
(Jesse 4:19pm)

Just plain cracked me up:
Laurel 4:34 pm ("Sorry, Your Heinous"--I'm STILL laughing)
Lucy Woodhull 7:04pm (servicing the Loathsomobile)
Grace 12:35pm

Cameo appearance by my favorite goat
Sha'el, Princess of Pixies (10:18pm)

Homage to Twilight
Claire Svendsen 10:58pm

Homage to Harry Potter
Megan B (11:30pm)

Special recognition for poetry:
Humortic (11:08am)
River (12:17pm)

Tess (11:44pm)
Catherine (12:20am)

Simon C. Larter (1:05pm)

Special recognition for really really BAD poetry:
Vordak 4:04pm

Here are the stories that made the final cut:
Tom M. Franklin (10:29am)
Steve Forti (11:21am)

Brian Buckley (12:41pm)
Rebecca T. Little (5:39pm)

Nate Wilson (10:57pm)

Special recognition for a very very strange interpretation of "Tell Me A Story"Vordak 11:58AM

Here are the four entries that made the final list:

Patrick DiOrio (11:53am)

We squared off. We fought. He utilized the martial arts attack perfected by Foo Yu Wuns. I countered with the classic Yo Mofo defense. It worked. I defeated the heinous evildoer, Ballstothewalls.

But when I removed the concealing headgear of my nemesis, I discovered that it was his minion, Kissass, whom I had defeated. Ballstothewalls was hiding in the sinister shadows, waiting. He attacked with the indefensible Urassisgrass. Enough. I shot the sumbitch with a .357 magnum. He died at my feet.

“Let this be a lesson,” I said. “Even with Ballstothewalls, your ass is grass against a gun.”

SarahW (12:13pm)

When I was in middle school, I wore heinous orthodontal headgear to correct a severe overbite. But there was nothing so painful that Phllip Sanderborne--- my nemesis since the Panty Elastic Incident in first grade---couldn't make worse.

He called me RoboRat, a nickname that stuck. He tried to electrocute me with static and snapped the elastic that kept my wires in place until I cried in class. His minions delivered sinister notes that compared me to bucktoothed roadkill.

I swore that I would spend the rest of my life making him pay for his crimes.

Reader, I married him.

Michael G-G (1:19pm)

“Sinister, Dexter.”

My nemesis, Sr. Dolores, marches me round the detention room. Never trust someone who jokes in Latin. It’s heinous.

“That’s right, Dexter O’Donnell,” she says. “You’ll not forget your sinister left from your dextrous right now, will you?”

Before I can reply, her eyes glaze over and a whirring comes from her headgear. The black part lifts with hydraulic smoothness, revealing Virgil, the class gerbil. He’s dressed in ninja black.

“Virgil,” I stammer. “I thought you were Sister’s favorite pet.”

He clutches Vordak’s manual of menace to his chubby little chest. “I’m nobody’s minion,” he says. “Caveat emptor!”

Cole Howard (8:29pm)

“Sinister, derived from the Latin ‘sin’ and English’s ‘sister’, carries the literal meaning ‘heinous nun’ or, more commonly, ‘God’s disguised nemesis.’”

No one laughs as they devote their notebooks to his revelation.

“I dnt thnk tht’s wut tht acshuly mns,” I say, humming from on high in the back of class. I don’t raise my hand like his front-row minions, and his eyes are in communion with annoyance.

“Good heavens, Moses, I never understand you,” he says, tracing his jaw. “Does your headgear actually affect your brain, or just your speech?” Even Aaron laughs. Somewhere inside me the bush engulfs.

It was very very hard to select a winner but after careful consideration the winner of the Great Gassy Goblins Writing Contest is SarahW (who is great but not gassy nor a goblin!)

Sarah, if you'll send me your mailing address we'll send you a copy of the manual of menace HOW TO GROW UP AND RULE THE WORLD, and a mug to drink tea as you plan your attack.

Congratulations to everyone who entered; thanks for a hilarious time!


Marjorie said...

Terrific entry, SarahW!

Michelle McLean said...

Lol excellent entry Sarah. "I married him" lol I'm still laughing :D


Congrats to everyone. Wow, that is some funny, funny stuff! Pardon me while I wipe the wine off my computer monitor now.


Terri Coop said...

GO SARAH! You were my fav finisher from four fab finalists!

I am so envious of that mug that I won't be able to wear anything that clashes with green for at least 48 hours.

Great entries in a great contest. I bow to the sharky one in honor.


Michael G-G said...

SarahW, you are a worthy winner. May you be ruling the world by next Monday; manual of menace and tea mug to hand.

As for me, it was great to make the final four. As that showoff Virgil the gerbil would say: Nunc est bibendum. ("Now for a drink...")

Sarah W said...

Wow! Thank you!

I can't wait to learn how to rule the world, though I think I'll put off the growing up part for as long as possible, if that's okay with Mr. The Incomprehensible.

My cat broke my She Who Must Be Obeyed tea cup a week ago, so I'm overjoyed about the mug, too!

Stephanie said...

WOW, SarahW, that made me laugh out loud. I love it! Fantastic work, everyone!

Haste yee back ;-) said...

Geezzze, Miss Janet, how many words you want for free?

Haste yee back ;-)

Ricky Bush said...

Waaay to gooo, Sarah! Good snippet.

Josin L. McQuein said...

Congrats to the winners (who are obviously from their own dimension of insanity) :-P

I shall settle for making the Shark crack a smile. (Which I hope isn't quite so painful as it sounds.)

Kadi Easley said...

I got mentioned on Janet's blog. Whoo Hoo!

Nice job, Sara.

Vordak said...

OK, fine then. You obviously disqualified me because I am more EVIL than you are. Did any other entry hit EXACTLY 100 words? (I have no idea) Did any other entry use the necessary words consecutively? And in proper order? (again, no idea).

Well, I'm buying myself a copy of my own book, anyway. And signing it TWICE! And I didn't want your stupid mug, anyway!

Anonymous said...

SarahW, you are a worthy winner. May you be ruling the world by next Monday; manual of menace and tea mug to hand and a book publishers charter.

Ali Trotta said...


Excellent writing everyone. :-)

Unknown said...

Congrats Miss Sarah!!

Ms. Reid, I'd love to see the next contest or three have a word limit of 150 or 200. I keep having to cut the best parts to squeeze it into 100 words or less! LOL

Janet Reid said...

Rebecca, not a chance. The best part for me is forcing you all to SLICE, DICE and REVISE! Plus +50 words or +100 words for 100+ entries is 5000-10,000 MORE words to read.

No dice, mice.

Patty Blount said...

Sarah, congrats on your win. Until next time, minions.

Steve Stubbs said...

I agree. That ending is brilliant. What better way to get revenge on a heinous nemesis? (Cackle, cackle.)

Lucy Woodhull said...

Yay to all the winners! And I am humbled for making the shark laugh toothsomely.

I like the 100 word limits. Between these contests and twitter, I'm getting better at editing the excess from my manuscript! Next up: changing all the "you"s to "U"s. Yeah.

Quell said...

Fantastic, and very well deserved. I had a similar idea but nowhere near as well executed. Congratulations!