Once upon a time I went to Sears to buy a vacuum cleaner. I'd researched various makes and models on Consumer Reports. I had the model number and price for what I wanted neatly noted in permanent ink on my forehead (in reverse of course) so that the salesman wouldn't even have to ask what I needed.
A young man in a freshly purchased tie, knotted carefully by his mum for his first day on the job, approached me.
"Would you like to see a vacuum cleaner?"
Well, yes I would, and in fact (pointing at text) here's what I would like.
"Well madam," the brightly polished eager lad said, "we have many many fine vacuums. Here are several that will not only clean your carpet, they'll suck up all the unfair and inappropriate form rejection letters you receive; shred them; channel them to the nearest landfill where they can begin life anew."
Well, no, I don't want that. I want this (pointing to text in crisp TNR 12 on forehead)
"Madam, please, here is the top of the line HooverMover that will not only vacuum your floor it will give you a face lift while you sleep. Be careful of course to set the timing device for minutes not hours."
No, no, no. I don't want a HooverMover, I want THIS (pointing to forehead where text is not quite so crisp since the beads of sweat now require mopping rather than dabbing)
"Madam, I assure you I'm just trying to be of service here. Of HELP to you. Here is our HooverMoover Schmoozer model. It vacuums your floor, lifts your face AND attends cocktail parties for you. There's absolutely nothing like it on the market. It's the very D in deluxe."
I do not want a HooverMoverSchmoozer, dammit. I want THIS! I scream, and with that seize the canister vacuum Model TRex001 and whap the poor defenseless lad on the head, stalk to the cash register, pay out my simoleons, repair to the parking lot, mount the vacuum cleaner and ride home. (My normal conveyance, the broom, had run off with the cow and the spoon and I needed new transportation.)
Lest you need the moral explained, herewith: Don't be helpful. Don't tell me what I want or need. Follow the damn directions. IF the directions are not clear, ask for clarification. Do not try to anticipate my needs. I know what I need. I've been doing this for awhile now.
If I want a synopsis the word synopsis will appear after the phrase "please send me a"
If I want you to format something in some odd and strange way OTHER than what appears on my website, blog, guide listings, agency website etc, you will see the phrase strange and odd format following the phrase "I've lost my mind so I'll want you to send this in a"
Any questions?
Exactly.
Sunday, June 07, 2009
Saturday, June 06, 2009
The blog author speaks
The blog author wishes to inform you that speaking of yourself in the third person in a query letter is both pretentious and ill-advised.
The blog author finds it off-putting to be merrily reading along about some captivating sure to be a best seller, better than Dan Brown and that miserable DaVinci Code thing, novel and suddenly discover she's being addressed by an omniscient narrator.
The blog author doesn't like to be off-put in a query letter.
No sirree bubba she doesn't like it at all.
Stop it.
The blog author finds it off-putting to be merrily reading along about some captivating sure to be a best seller, better than Dan Brown and that miserable DaVinci Code thing, novel and suddenly discover she's being addressed by an omniscient narrator.
The blog author doesn't like to be off-put in a query letter.
No sirree bubba she doesn't like it at all.
Stop it.
this isn't basketball, folks
On the list of things that are obviously not in your best interest:
Sending me a manuscript with -first draft- in the title or on the cover sheet.
(followed closely by second to nth draft)
I really REALLY do not want to know what draft this manuscript is. The lower the draft number, the less I want to know. Unlike basketball, first round draft pick is to be avoided at all costs.
Of course, some wag will now send me Manuscript Title-draft pirsquared; I can see that one coming indeed I can.
Sending me a manuscript with -first draft- in the title or on the cover sheet.
(followed closely by second to nth draft)
I really REALLY do not want to know what draft this manuscript is. The lower the draft number, the less I want to know. Unlike basketball, first round draft pick is to be avoided at all costs.
Of course, some wag will now send me Manuscript Title-draft pirsquared; I can see that one coming indeed I can.
This is Water is a small lovely book that I think is a perfect gift for anyone on the cusp of a transition: graduation of course is the obvious one in June.
(thank you to Maud for the link on twitter!)
It seemed like a good idea...when?
Here's a recent email to me:
I will not bore you with a long query letter that you do not have time to read (I hope the writing speaks for itself).
Below:
1. Brief synopsis
2. First 2 chapters
3. Brief resume
No. No. No.
The failure of logic is stunning--I don't have time to read a query letter so how about the first two chapters instead... and the synopsis ... and a resume.
Unless you're planning a ten page query letter, you'd need to be in Bizarro World to think reading this would take less time.
Let's also remember that a query letter should provide reference information like what kind of book this is: YA? Middle grade? Novel? Memoir? Word count too.
This is a form rejection with singe marks on it.
(and a not so subtle link to the QueryShark blog)
Don't take these kinds of shortcuts. They're counterproductive.
I will not bore you with a long query letter that you do not have time to read (I hope the writing speaks for itself).
Below:
1. Brief synopsis
2. First 2 chapters
3. Brief resume
No. No. No.
The failure of logic is stunning--I don't have time to read a query letter so how about the first two chapters instead... and the synopsis ... and a resume.
Unless you're planning a ten page query letter, you'd need to be in Bizarro World to think reading this would take less time.
Let's also remember that a query letter should provide reference information like what kind of book this is: YA? Middle grade? Novel? Memoir? Word count too.
This is a form rejection with singe marks on it.
(and a not so subtle link to the QueryShark blog)
Don't take these kinds of shortcuts. They're counterproductive.
Formatting in the digital age
I read all incoming full manuscripts on my Kindle.
That means I request all manuscripts in .doc form.
That does NOT mean you need to reformat for what you think is the Kindle size.
Just send it as usual: one inch margins all around, 8.5 x 11 paper.
The Kindle does the adapting.
Add this to the list of one LESS thing you have to obsess over when sending work to agents.
That means I request all manuscripts in .doc form.
That does NOT mean you need to reformat for what you think is the Kindle size.
Just send it as usual: one inch margins all around, 8.5 x 11 paper.
The Kindle does the adapting.
Add this to the list of one LESS thing you have to obsess over when sending work to agents.
Friday, June 05, 2009
Thursday, June 04, 2009
Is this your "first novel?"
I suggest in the post below that you do not query after you've written your first novel; that you wait, write a second, revise, then query.
The question then arises: is this your "first novel?"
You betcha.
When I receive a query letter with the phrase first novel, my assumption is you have not been published. In fact I'm praying this is NOT the actual first novel you've written.
I don't care how many are in the portmanteau in the attic wrapped lovingingly in pink ribbon. I only care if you've been published previously.
The question then arises: is this your "first novel?"
You betcha.
When I receive a query letter with the phrase first novel, my assumption is you have not been published. In fact I'm praying this is NOT the actual first novel you've written.
I don't care how many are in the portmanteau in the attic wrapped lovingingly in pink ribbon. I only care if you've been published previously.
How soon is too soon?
The most common mistake writers make in the query process is querying too soon. But how soon is too soon?
It's too soon if:
1. You just finished writing the novel. Writing a good novel isn't about writing; it's about revision. Revision takes time. If it took you a year to write the novel, it will take six months to revise it.
2. It's your first novel. No matter how hard it is to hear and follow this advice, it's probably the best advice I'll ever offer: write a second novel before you query on the first one. You'll learn so much while writing that second novel that you'll go back and either revise or discard Novel #1. AND you won't have all the baggage from those damn form rejections to weigh you down
3. You don't have a polished one page synopsis. Writing a synopsis is torture. I know it; you know it. It also is an incredible writing tool. If you can't get your book to make sense in synopsis form, you have a problem with the BOOK not the synopsis.
Your desire to get past the query stage to publication stage is the biggest block to actually achieving your goal.
It's too soon if:
1. You just finished writing the novel. Writing a good novel isn't about writing; it's about revision. Revision takes time. If it took you a year to write the novel, it will take six months to revise it.
2. It's your first novel. No matter how hard it is to hear and follow this advice, it's probably the best advice I'll ever offer: write a second novel before you query on the first one. You'll learn so much while writing that second novel that you'll go back and either revise or discard Novel #1. AND you won't have all the baggage from those damn form rejections to weigh you down
3. You don't have a polished one page synopsis. Writing a synopsis is torture. I know it; you know it. It also is an incredible writing tool. If you can't get your book to make sense in synopsis form, you have a problem with the BOOK not the synopsis.
Your desire to get past the query stage to publication stage is the biggest block to actually achieving your goal.
Toni Kelner at BEA
One of the best things about BEA (and I'm still in shock about this year's BEA, more on that later) is the chance to see old friends and get swag. The MWA booth provided both this year.
Here's Toni Kelner signing books, and her blog post about BEA.
What I would have given to be HERE!
My most beloved boon companion in crime, Barbara Poelle, has a hilarious post at Dead Guy today.
Monday, June 01, 2009
Andrew Grant on tour!
Andrew Grant (left) was on tour at the venerable The Poisoned Pen Bookstore in Scottsdale AZ last Wednesday. He was joined by owner Barbara Peters (center) and some new guy trying to build a name for himself...Lee something, or maybe it was Jack?
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