The distinction between rhythm and cadence

Recently a twitter follower asked me.

That's a good question.

If you look in my new favorite dictionary, Merriam Webster you find:

Rhythm: the effect created by the elements in a play, movie, or novel that relate to the temporal development of the action

Cadence:  a rhythmic sequence or flow of sounds in language the grand cadence of his poetry


The definitions aren't going to help much are they? This is one of the most interesting parts of being a word wrangler: really delving into the nuances of similar words.

I think the best way to talk about cadence is to read it or hear it.

This recent article in the WaPo has undeniable cadence: notice the short alternating paragraphs. It's almost like the call and response of the drill Sergeant calling cadence. 


 
 

or for those Bill Murray fans in the audience




Clearly cadence is rhythmic, but not all rhythm is cadence.

Here's rhythm that isn't cadence




Bob Fosse is probably the closest to a cadence style in his choreography (oh god, what a great artist he was) but it's still not the call and response and repetition of true cadence.


Here's why this is important to think about: you always need rhythm, and sometimes the rhythm you need is cadence. Rhythm and cadence are conveyed with word choices.  You can have flexible, flowy phrases and still have rhythm (think Faulkner) but cadence is going to use short sharp words. Think of the difference between marching and dancing.

Making these kinds of distinctions will help you choose just the right word which is a key element of compelling, interesting writing.  Here are some examples to start you out:

1. Pale and wan
2. Amble and saunter
3. Rage and fume
4. author and writer
5. trump and win (oh yes, I did that one on purpose)
6. hurl and toss
7. invective and insult
8. gamble and risk
9. pay and remit
10. shark and agent (ok, ok, that's just a joke)

Yes you can go overboard on this, much like you can on commas and other forms of rebellious punctuation, but I'd rather fish you out of the lagoon, than not have you dive in.

11. Chastise and upbraid
12. snarl and growl
13. nefarious and underhanded
14. the devil and the deep blue sea (ok, that's also a joke)



Now, marching off to the office:

I don't know but I've been told
Query No's are really cold

Sound off! Sound off! Three, four

Requested fulls are sent with hope
Waiting time will make you mope

Sound off! Sound off! Three, four.

Get "the call" and leap for joy
Ours is just to write and die!

Sound off! Sound off! Three, four

Margin Call and the value of a dive bar chanteuse

A client of mine and I were thrashing out ideas for a book recently, and I used the movie Margin Call as a comparable title.  My client had not seen the movie so we both retired to our respective sofas to refresh our memories.

I really love that movie. It's an absolute study in pacing and tension.

We reconvened the next day, extolling the movie again, when my client made a very interesting observation.  He said the movie is tense because the movie's gaze (ie the viewer) never turns away. There is literally no break in the main story line; no subplot, no segue for character development.

He said that's what makes the movie work, but it wouldn't work in a novel. It would be too short for starters, and the pacing would be too relentless. It would be claustrophobic.

Aha!

I stopped to think about what he said.  If you've seen Margin Call (and if you haven't you should! Right now!) you'll realize that we know next to nothing about the characters. We know Peter Sullivan (Zachary Quinto) is a former rocket scientist ("the money here was more attractive" is one of my favorite lines.) We know Sam Rogers (Kevin Spacey) has a dog that's dying. We know Eric Dale (Stanley Tucci) got fired that morning cause it's one of the very early scenes of the movie. And we know what Will Emerson (Paul Bettany) spends his money on.

As far as character development, it's so subtle you have to really think about it.

This is a forward motion, no pauses to breathe movie.

In a book, you need to give your reader pauses to breathe and characters that are more than one-dimensional

A book is a marathon, Margin Call is a sprint. At 107 minutes it's an Olympic paced sprint too.

So what's the point here? Don't leave your writer's notebook on the desk when you watch movies. I've learned a lot about pacing from watching movies. Both Margin Call, and another favorite Heat.
I've often mentioned that one of the best books about writing is actually a book about jazz: Waiting For Dizzy by Gene Lees.

Movies, and other art forms, can show you a lot about craft and style and discipline. It's not goofing off if you go to the movies, or go to a dive bar to hear the chanteuse. It's actually work, and I'll write a note saying so to your skeptical spouse as needed.

Remember when I said "it's the writing?" It's the writing.

Good news: I'm the concept queen. I have a spreadsheet full of high concept plots, three that I've turned into manuscripts. I can also write a mean query. As a result, I've had a phenomenal response to my queries. It's not 100% by any means, but about half the agents I query request my projects. Hooray! I'm so grateful for the opportunity.

Bad news: About half the agents I query reject my submissions. The feedback is varied, but it often points to pacing and intensity with high praise for my concepts and writing. No one has offered me to revise and resubmit, but most encourage me to submit my next project. And several have said, "I'm sure this will find representation."

My latest manuscript, which deals with a relevant topic, got an extra enthusiastic response from agents, but rejections are starting to trickle in again. I fear this one isn't going to stick either. I know my writing has improved, but I think the middle loses some momentum, and I'm not sure if everyone is sticking around for the surprise ending.

I'm reading all the books. I'm writing all the time. But I feel like I'm throwing away clever ideas with my not-there-yet writing. Should I wait to use another high concept until I've perfected the art? Should I revise this one? Am I being held to a higher standard because the concepts require flawless execution? Are my ideas bigger than my talent?

Help! I'm open to honesty and eager to improve.


Thank you for your time. I look forward to the day you add middle grade and young adult books to your list.

Ira Glass did a wonderful talk on creativity and taste and how long it takes your skill to catch up with your taste.

It sounds to me like your writing chops haven't quite caught up to your imagination yet: you've got some terrific ideas but the execution isn't there.

And it IS the writing. Concepts are great, but they're not the book. The writing is the book.

So, how to fix this?

Well, don't stop writing. That's the one sure road to make sure you never improve.

Second, get to a class, a GOOD one. One that makes you weep with despair at the end cause you're sure you're the worst writer there.

If you can't get to a class, save your money and buy a manuscript critique at any one of the many places agents offer those up: charity auctions are the big ones, but there are other places too.

You don't say how long you've been writing or what kind of feedback you're getting before you've queried.  A good crit group can be invaluable, and if you don't have one, that's another resource.

If you can't do either of those things, pick a book in your category that you LOVE. Pick one with a good concept. Then read it with your writer's eye engaged. Read it analytically. See how the author keeps the tension going.

One tactic to do this is to write the novel out yourself. Transcribe it to paper. By actually writing the words, they get into your head in a much more visceral way.


Find a good beta reader who can help you figure out why the novel isn't working because you're right: your novels aren't working.  And if neither of you can figure out why it's not working, think about whether your novel is doing anything fresh and new.  I see a lot of good concepts with good writing, but everything sounds like something I watched on TV twenty years ago.

I'm sure the writers who read this blog will have some good suggestions as well. Pay attention to what they say cause they're the ones actually in the trenches with you.

I'm just siting here, sipping a mai-tai, waiting for ya'll to send me something good to read.

I walk in the door. I see Present tense. I shoot. Present is now past.

The POV in my WIP is set in first person/present tense. This makes it intimate to the extreme. There are a few take-a-breath moments so the reader can reflect, get a cup of coffee, or stop turning pages long enough to sleep, but the whole novel covers about 6 waking hours.

I’ve read there is a renewed trend toward first person, but my question is: how do publishers feel about an entire novel, not only written in first person, but also in present tense? Is this considered experimental? Feedback I’ve received from contest entries have not been negative on this point. However, since I’ll start the submission process after the first of the year, I’m curious about what to expect from the agent community. Does this type work (without regard for the writing or the plot) have sale’s merit. 

Yes/No/It depends/maybe.

How's that for a clear answer?

Here's the real answer: if someone writes back to tell you that present tense doesn't work in the novel, it's not about the tense. It's because the story didn't grip them enough to forget about syntax, diction, tense and grammar and just KEEP READING!

My colleague Penny Moore and I were talking about this very thing recently. Some really not-well-written books are doing very well because the writer grabs you and doesn't let go.

Only later, when you're deconstructing the book (something most regular readers don't really do!) do you notice plot holes, inconsistencies, and the stuff that makes you wonder what the hell the editor/agent/writer were thinking.

The only question you need to ask about your writing is: does this work?  If present tense makes for a gripping story, use it. If past tense makes for a MORE gripping story, use that instead.

You hear a lot of agents or writers kvetching about this that or the other: "I hate present tense" "I hate third person" "I hate dual narrative" "I hate italicized separate chapters" but what that means is that they got bumped out of the story enough to notice the writing.

As Elmore Leonard famously said "If it sounds like writing, I rewrite it."


Tell your story in the way that makes it the most compelling. Don't worry about anything else. The thing agents really like? Compelling stories.

Dealing with unreliable narrators in a query

How do you mention your narrator is an unreliable narrator in your query? The current book I'm querying has such a narrator but it isn't revealed until the very end so I don't mention it in the query. I'm wondering if this is better mentioned in the synopsis (it is) or if this is something that needs to be addressed in the query right from the beginning.

While I am indeed the source of all wisdom in publishing (ow! LIGHTNING just hit me!) one good way to find the answer to questions like this is to see how other books with similar devices/plot twists  are handled.

That means you have to know what books have unreliable narrators which is a good thing since those are your comp titles.

And that leads you to the answer to your question:

You do not EVER tell anyone in the query that it's an unreliable narrator. That's akin to giving away all the plot.

You can however use books with unreliable narrators as your comp titles, and a discerning agent will think "aha! a clue!"

As for how unreliable narrators are covered in the query, here's  Who Killed Roger Ackroyd? by Agatha Christie:

Roger Ackroyd knew too much. He knew that the woman he loved had poisoned her brutal first husband. He suspected also that someone had been blackmailing her. Then, tragically, came the news that she had taken her own life with a drug overdose.

But the evening post brought Roger one last fatal scrap of information. Unfortunately before he could finish reading the letter, he was stabbed to death.

Who killed Roger Ackroyd?

The query doesn't start with the hero (Hercule Poirot, the detective) or what he wants or what's at stake. It sets up the premise of the mystery.

Check out other examples, and find ones that are closer to your book than this one is. Use that as a template.

Using works in the public domain

I am writing a novel that takes place in Galveston during the 1900 hurricane. I found an amazing book called The Great Galveston Disaster (hurricanes didn't have names yet) printed within months after the disaster and it has such gloriously fresh accounts that I can't really find anywhere else online. Admittedly, it's mostly just a compilation of government documents, correspondence, pictures, newspaper entries, testimonials, and other accounts, but I digress.

Could I land myself in hot water for using quotes from the testimonials in my work of fiction of real people or excerpts that are dated 115 years ago? I thought copyrights only lasted for 100 years, and I doubt this publishing company (which only printed this book for one run and then disbanded from my research), newspapers, or families of the deceased would mind, nor would I know how to track most of them for permission

You need to ask permission of copyright holders for as long as copyright is in effect.

That does NOT mean you can use the work without attribution after copyright has expired.

That's called plagiarism, and I'm very sure you do not want to do that (or that you even intended to, or that you thought it might sound like that.)

What you'll do: if you quote the material you CITE it. As in footnotes or endnotes.

Example:

"The Great Galveston Disaster was a gully washer of a storm, propelling man and beast like drunken sailors jitterbugging dance hall floozies down the streets." said former taxi dancer and historian Janet Reid."***

****Title, Author (Publisher: year)

When you sell the novel, your publisher will have a style guide for footnotes, and you'll follow that, but for now, this will do.

And just as a side note: keep track of your citations and PAGE NUMBERS from the quoted work in a separate document. Don't ask me why I know this. Just benefit from my dreadful mistakes.

Query: historical fiction with real people

 I recently came across a real-life story about a woman from the 1800’s who lived an incredibly interesting and tragic life (albeit with a decent ending to it). 

I’d love to write a work of fiction using some of these events, without using real names, places, etc. but I’m not sure if that’s appropriate.

She passed away in 1906 and has no direct heirs, but I know that several (very) distant relatives have written blog entries about her and there was at least one non-fiction book written telling her story. 

Another relative has been working on a documentary and although it’s been in the works since 2011, it has yet to come to fruition. 

Although I am planning on this book being a work of fiction, with many events changed or added, anyone familiar with her story would probably recognize it, and I wondered if that could be a problem.

Using real people is very common in historical fiction.

The fact you are asking this makes me wonder if you've done enough reading in your category yet?

You need to know your category, particularly books published within the last two years, VERY well. This is where we all thank god for libraries because this kind of massive reading would be prohibitively expensive without the library.

If you're asking because most of the historical fiction seems to be about recognizable names, and your character is not so well known, you're still ok. You can't libel the dead and sans heirs, estates, or something of value to protect, no one has standing to sue for damages.

If you're asking because someone who has written blog posts, or started a movie might have "dibs" on the story, you're ok. You don't get dibs on a subject or even a person. Copyright is only for the actual work, and copyright doesn't preclude anyone from writing about the same person or subject. It only protects the rights holder from someone taking their words (or pictures) without permission.


The other thing that raises my eyebrows is "without using real names and places." I'm not sure why you wouldn't use real names and places.  If the story happens in Wichita, why would you set it in Buttonweeezerville instead?

Again, this sounds like not enough research. Which might be good news: now you have a legitimate reason to read 100 books and not feel like you're being lazy and not working!

Query question - droppin' g to indicate a drawl: go or leggo?

My current WIP takes place in the south and my characters have a southern drawl. I intend to write dialogue using dropped g’s, but as my MC narrates in 1st person, is it wise to leave the g’s in tact or can I drop them in narration as well?

Here’s an excerpt with dropped g’s in both narration and dialogue:

My elaborately-coiffed next-door neighbor appeared to my left and shouted, “Stevie, hon’—Let it go! I’ll get it.” She held her hand up toward me as she darted across my front lawn. After retrievin’ (1) the ball, she handed it to her 16-year-old son and then walked toward my car.
“Sorry, Cora. I know we should keep to the back yard, but the gardeners are here today, mowin’ (2)  the lawn.”

When I read this story out loud to myself (an uber-important element in my editing process), I read it with a southern accent.  It’s how I want my readers to imagine the story as they progress through the book. It’s the way Cora speaks. However, I worry this might be annoyin’ to some people, bless their hearts… ;)

If I may be so bold as to use a regular blog reader for an example, let me introduce you to my dear friend Julie M. Weathers.

If you know her in real life, you know she sounds like she's from Texas (which is good, cause she is.)
But if you read her comments, you know that too. And it's not cause she drops her g's when she writes in the first person.

You know it by HOW she tells a great story.  And dear godiva, her diction.  She's got some of the best phrases going.

If you gave me five anonymous blog comments I could pick Julie out in a heartbeat.

So, the first rule of vernacular is: make sure your character uses diction deftly.

I loathe the idea of marking dropped g's in either dialouge or narration but that's just me. I find it utterly distracting.
  
As to your question: you're using dropped gs to constantly remind the reader of setting. There are more deft ways to do this: world building, and diction. 

One of my favorite novels of all time is set in Georgia and there's not a dropped g on the page.  And this time I don't mean Gone With The Wind, I mean Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistlestop Cafe. 
  
Here's where you need to trust your reader. Give us a compelling sense of place and character and we'll get that they speak with a Southern accent.

Query question: revealing numbers of POV in a query

More and more I'm seeing—or perhaps imagining—writers declare in their query letter that their story is told from "multiple points of view" or "alternating points of view," as though it's a selling point.

At the query stage, do agents want to know this? 

Well, it's not really a selling point for me, more of a red flag. I think writing multiple points of view is really hard, and not very many people do it well.

And often, multiple PsOV could be solved with an omniscient POV, but prying people out of first person POV is like getting the dog in to the tub:

Which is to say, I do like to know about it in the query cause I know what to expect.  And if they tell me it's seventeen PsOV, I can just say no to the query and save us all some time.

Which is not to say that multiple strands of a story is something I would reject out of hand. I LOVE those big sprawling books that follow all sorts of characters as their lives intersect and carom off each other. I'm reading one now: CITY ON FIRE by Garth Risk Hallberg that is amazing.

And Bonfire of the Vanities?
And Airport, Hotel, and everything else that Arthur Hailey wrote?

All of those are in the third person omniscient. Not a first POV to be found.

So yes we want to know, but not for the reason you thought.

How to Write A Brief Synopsis

Last week, a writer asked about a "brief synopsis"

I loathe synopses almost as much as writers do (they are the spawn of Satan on their best day)

They are, Satan notwithstanding, needed and useful.

Here's one of the very best descriptions of how to write a succinct synopsis.  It's by blog reader Dena Pawling, who has graciously allowed me to repost this here (it was originally a comment on this post)



I wrote out everything that happens in my manuscript, chapter by chapter, and then deleted words until I was left with only the major plot points and enough flavor to give the emotion of the story. My finished synopsis is about 825 words, which is 2-1/2 pages double spaced.

Here's an example of a shorter synopsis, from a story we all should know, which I just dashed off so I'm sure it can be improved. Total word count 250 [without the qualifiers].

Long ago, Cinderella lives with her parents, who love her. Her mother dies, and her father marries a jealous lady with two beastly daughters. [set-up]

When her father then dies, Cinderella's stepmother and stepsisters treat her as a slave. She's moved to an attic bedroom and her only friends are the mice. Her home falls into disrepair because the family has little money left. She dreams one day someone will love her again. [inciting incident and goal]

Meanwhile, the king wants his son to be married so he can see his grandchildren before he dies. The king decrees a royal ball, with every eligible maiden in the kingdom required to attend. [first plot point]

Everyone is excited. Cinderella, with the help of her mouse friends, re-makes her mother's old gown into a beautiful dress. But her stepmother and stepsisters destroy the dress so she won't be able to attend. Cinderella runs out into the garden and weeps. [mid-point]

Her fairy godmother appears and makes her a magical dress, complete with glass slippers and a coach. Cinderella attends the royal ball and dances with the prince. They fall in love. At the stroke of midnight, she dashes away before the spell is broken. One glass slipper falls off, but she arrives home with the other one, which she hides. [third plot point]

The heartbroken prince travels the kingdom to determine which lady fits the glass slipper. Her stepmother locks Cinderella in the attic [black moment] but her mouse friends help her escape [climax]. The glass slipper fits her, and Cinderella and the prince live happily ever after. [resolution]

Can you wring the life out of a manuscript?

One of the regular commenters on the blog said this recently about her novel:

The thing is the opening has already been workshopped to death. Seriously.
This is the result of the workshops, and agents', and editors' suggestions and now it's confusing.

This got me to thinking.

I spend a lot of time talking with and to writers about how to improve their query letters, and polish their novels, particularly the opening pages.

I recommend critique groups, beta readers, and classes. I'm a solid supporter of the importance of writing conferences.

What I've left off that list is confidence in your own work and your own voice.

Yet, the people most obdurate about how solid their work is are most often the ones who need the most work.

And, the people who have the least confidence, who keep showing their work in crit groups, and making changes based on those suggestions, are often the people who should leave well enough alone.

How do you know which group you fall into?

I don't know.

I do know that you should seriously consider if your lack of confidence is the problem, not the book itself.

Query question: POV questions

My adult suspense/thriller WAS 3rd person, multiple characters. In revisions, I saw the error in my ways and cut back to two characters. Many Critique Partners recommended putting the main character in 1st (something I toyed with anyway). Now, yet another CP suggested putting my other POV character in 1st.

I have not seen many adult thrillers with alternating 1st POV characters (other than GONE GIRL). But I HAVE heard that lots of editors HATE the 1st/3rd combo.

What is your opinion?

My opinion should not matter here. I haven't read the book. You should do only what the story requires. Do you absolutely need the intimacy of first person in both points of view? Do you need distance in one POV and intimacy in the other?  What the story needs is what drives the structure.

That said, I think it's extremely difficult to carry off two distinct points of view in first person in a novel. Yes, Gillian Flynn did it brilliantly in Gone Girl.  Yes, that was the brilliant exception to a lot of very bad manuscripts I've seen over the years.

There's a lot to be said for straight forward third person omniscient in a suspense novel.  I like close third person a lot because it gives the writer lots more flexibility with getting plot on the page.

But again, this is YOUR story, and you should do what the story needs.   It's easy for critique partners to suggest changes and sometimes they can see things you didn't but for structural things like POV, absent a huge gaping problem, you should decide and stick to it. Be confident in your choices.

Query question: market saturation

I have a pretty high concept novel that is in an overly saturated market. I have had one agent request and reject it. In contests I have entered, the feedback I've gotten is that market is too saturated. I am thinking of hiring a professional editor to possibly smooth out the writing.
However, it's quite expensive, and while I would be willing to spend the money if it really helped me move up to the next level writing wise, I don't want to if it won't get published because of the overly saturated market. If that's the case, it may be better for me to move onto my next novel. I hope that makes sense. Would it be out of line to ask the rejecting agent if he thinks a professional editor would be worth it? I hate to bother agents that are already so busy, and I don't want him to give me an editorial letter. He's the only professional that has read the manuscript.

An "overly saturated market" doesn't have anything to do with the quality of your writing. If the shelf is full, no one is looking to take on more authors in that category.


Hiring an editor to improve your novel for a category that's already full is solving the wrong problem.


On the other hand, you're basing your decision on VERY limited feedback. One agent requesting and rejecting is hardly the basis for making any changes.  And I'm not sure what contests you're entering, or who the judges are but unless they are agents who make the choices of what to take on, and what not to take on, I don't think that advice is worth much either.


You need to query much more widely before deciding anything.


And if you're writing in a category, you should be reading that category as well. Front list (ie published THIS year books)


How can you tell if a market is getting full?  Look for debut writers in the category. If the category is mostly authors with three or more books, that means there are a lot of authors with on-going series.  If there are more than four or five debut authors published THIS year, then there's probably a lot more opportunities.


This is one of the many reasons you need to read widely and deeply in your category. It's very easy to get discouraged by what someone tells you unless you've done you're own reading and know they're full of hogwash.

Query Question: short novels

I've written several short stories that I want to expand into a series of books, and an idea came to me. I was thinking of the books by Og Mandino.  They all had a message, but they were all very short books. I'm guessing most of his books were only 50,000 words tops; they certainly were not normal novel length.

Would that work in today's world?  Is it even possible to find a market for novellas?  If I wrote this series of books about special children named Hope, Mercy, and Peace, and they were all in the 50,000 word range, would I have any chance of finding an interested publisher?

I had to look up Og Mandino because I knew the name but couldn't have told you a thing about his titles (that's a clue right there.)

Turns out Mr. Mandino isn't writing novellas at all. He's writing self-help and inspiration. He may be using story form to do it (Simon the Ragpicker etc.) but his goal is to is to teach, not entertain.

If that's what you want to do, and it sounds like you do if you've got "special children named Hope, Mercy, and Peace" then it's not the size of the book that's the problem it's the style.

You need to figure out what you're writing. If it's self-help and motivational essays, then it's NOT a novella.  If you want to write a novella, make sure you're telling a story first, not trying to teach a lesson. Books with heavy handed overt messages are non-starters these days no matter their length.

Query question: can you have Stockholm Syndrome without Sweden?

I wrote a scene in my fantasy WIP where a character was beginning to agree with the antagonist. Later on in the work, a supporting character asked him if the MC had Stockholm Syndrome. Then my brain, with a very good catch, thought of something really interesting that made me stop in my tracks.

In a fictional work, specifically works that do not take place in the world as we know it, is it even possible to use a phrase like "Stockholm Syndrome" when Stockholm never existed and the Norrmalmstorg robbery never happened? I tried thinking of other words or phrases to describe this syndrome, but none of them are as concise. I'm stuck on this one, and my research has proved unfruitful. What's your take? Yay or nay?

VERY interesting question.


If we take the lead from historicals, then the answer is no. The always Fabulous Gary Corby's great crime novels set in ancient Athens can't refer to things that the ancient Athenians didn't know or have.  Let me tell you, that's a really interesting list. You can be if we miss something, his discerning readers let us know pronto.


However, if the world is fictional, who's to know what happened or when?  I think Stockholm Syndrome which is so closely identified with a modern event, and entered the lexicon relatively recently is more problematic than say January, which indicates have a concept of linear time and cyclical seasons.


Not being able to use Stockholm Syndrome, or 23Skidoo, or QueryShark, or selfie, is a high price to pay for writing fantasy.  On the other hand...dragons!


I don't think there's a right or wrong answer here, but if you use it, you'll hear from readers who do have strong opinions one way or the other.

Query question: writing with style versus writing "right"

Some time ago, I saw a fascinating article on Writer's Digest online site, called something like "The Difference Between Writing with Style and Writing Incorrectly." Sadly, I didn't get the chance to read it and now I can't find it.

We've all heard of the Old West style battles between editors and writers, and it got me thinking. Is there really a difference between writing incorrectly and writing with style? The great Stephen King once said, "You must know the rules of writing so you can effectively break them." What's your perspective on writing with style vs. writing correctly? Is there a difference, and what is it? Example(s)?

This reminds me of an old New Yorker cartoon. An elderly grammar puritan has helpfully corrected Elvis lyrics: "You are nothing but an old hound dog."


Elvis had style, Grammar Lady was "correct."
Which do you prefer?

Sometime back I was proofing a client's manuscript and came across some truly dreadful grammar. Knowing my client was meticulous, I flagged it and asked. Sure enough, the "wrong" was on purpose. Not all characters speak in perfectly organized sentences and use all the right words.

Dern tootin', they don't.

You won't catch too many gun slinging moonshiners in the hollers of Kentucky asking for whom the bell tolls.

I tried to find further examples for this, but I couldn't. I'll bet the comment column will scare up some though.

And it's not so much editors who engage in fisticuffs on this topic, it's copyeditors. They've had style trained right out of them, and that's ok with me. Someone needs to know that a double Axel isn't the same thing as a double axle.

Dern tootin.

The trick is, as Stephen King points out, doing this on purpose. If it's on purpose, it fits. If it's by mistake, it's often very jarring. 

And sometimes it's just bad writing

I enjoy diving in to the query pile. There are a lot of good writers out there, sadly many of them working in categories I don't take on, and it's a pleasure to read a finely honed sentence and see a skilled writer at work.

But sometimes, splat.

Sometimes, it's just plain bad writing.

How do you know if you're in that category?

Here are a couple recent examples:

"Terror overtook her body"
"A scream escaped her throat"
"The story is located in New York City"
"We have spoken once when you called"

Without reading further, can you see what's wrong in each of these sentences??

"Terror overtook her body" versus "she was terrified"
"A scream escaped her throat" versus "she screamed"
"The story is located in New York City" versus "the story is set in New York City
"We have spoken once when you telephoned" versus "we spoke once when you telephoned"

If you can see the difference, make sure you look for it in your writing and pluck it out.

If you CAN'T see the difference, you could be in that second group. You probably need more practice before querying or publishing.

It's true that bad writing sells. I've seen it, you've seen it. But do you want it to be your book that we see it in?  If so, have at it. Just don't query me!

And if you see it, here's how to fix it:

Look at each sentence individually and think "is there a better, tighter way to say this?"  Ask "does this make physical sense?" A scream doesn't escape. A scream is what someone does.  If you use "a scream escaped her throat" use it on purpose, not because you didn't consider and discard "she screamed." You can break every rule in the book, including "write well" but you really need to do it on purpose, not in error.

It's ok to write these crappy sentences, don't get me wrong. Bad first drafts are the part of the process. It's not revising, not fixing the bad stuff that leads to problems.



Any questions?

Your single biggest asset on revisions?

Time.

I've been trying to post more regularly.  One strategy is writing posts ahead of time. On those prepared posts, I re-read before publishing just to see if I missed anything.

I'm amazed how often I see things that should come out, or be revised, even though I work pretty hard to make posts as concise as possible when I wrote it. write them.

What does this mean for you?

When you plan your writing time, include time to let the project sit.

If you plan to be done done done with your novel on M/D/2013, count forward 7 days, then read it one last time on M/D+7/2013.  If you don't find at least one change you missed, I'll eat my hat.

Here's the version I wrote a couple days ago:

Time.

I've tried to post more regularly here.  One helpful strategy is writing posts ahead of time. When I do that, I go back and look at the post before it goes up just to see if I missed anything.

I'm amazed at how often I see things that should come out even though I worked pretty hard to make the post as concise as possible when I wrote it.

What does this mean for you?

When you plan your writing time, include time to let the project sit.

If you plan to be done done done with your novel on M/D/2013, count forward 7 days, then read it one last time on M/D+7/2013.  If you don't find at least one change you missed, I'll eat my hat.



----

The third revision is marked by strikeouts in the top text.

The Shoe Test

I've been reading manuscripts for the last few days and a recurring foible is what  I now call "the shoe test."

Example: "She wore six-inch slingbacks on her feet."

Where else is she going to wear them? Her head?

Go through your manuscript sentence by sentence to make sure you're not "wearing shoes on your feet." You might be delightfully surprised by how much more lean and elegant your prose is.

Other examples:

Adrenaline coursed through her veins (I'm glad it wasn't coursing out her ears)
Adrenaline coursed through her veins

She drove her car to the office (probably because her broom was in the shop)
She drove her car to the office


Take out every word you don't need.

Sometimes you may need to say she drove her car, or adrenaline coursed through her veins, but that should be something you choose to put in, not the default way you write.

[One of the best places to practice this kind of spare writing is twitter. With only 140 characters, you have to be lean. Don't "cheat" with abbreviations--pare down!]

And give yourself a break on this:  everyone everyone everyone over-writes on the initial draft. That's why God invented revisions.  Don't kick yourself for writing like this; save the kicking for not finding it on the second pass.

Need help with kicking? Here ya go:

Rockettes in 1925!

An example of spare, elegant writing

Sometime after 10:30 on a Thursday morning in May, after he'd had his cup of coffee, Dick Trickle snuck out of the house. His wife didn't see him go. He eased his 20-year-old Ford pickup out on the road and headed toward Boger City, N.C., 10 minutes away. 

He drove down Highway 150, a two-lane road that cuts through farm fields and stands of trees and humble country homes that dot the Piedmont west of Charlotte, just outside the reach of its suburban sprawl. Trickle pulled into a graveyard across the street from a Citgo station. He drove around to the back. It was sunny. The wind blew gently from the west. Just after noon, he dialed 911. The dispatcher asked for his address.

"Uh, the Forest Lawn, uh, Cemetery on 150," he said, his voice calm. The dispatcher asked for his name. He didn't give it.

"On the backside of it, on the back by a ‘93 pickup, there's gonna be a dead body," he said.

"OK," the woman said, deadpan.

"Suicide," he said. "Suicide."

"Are you there?"

"I'm the one."

"OK, listen to me, sir, listen to me."

"Yes, it'll be 150, Forest Lawn Cemetery, in the back by a Ford pickup."

"OK, sir, sir, let me get some help to you."

Click.

This is a great example of elegant writing.  Lean as hell, and evokes such a swell of emotion a reader is compelled to read more.

Here's the rest of the article: Elegy of a Race Car Driver  (thanks to the Fabulous Steve Ulfelder for this one)