Thursday, June 11, 2009

The short list just got longer

I have a list of ways to guarantee your query will be rejected the instant I see it.

I'm pretty clear about the list. I even post it here on the sidebar.

I haven't added to it in a while; it's not in my best interest to be rigid crazy about query letters. Honest to Helvetica, you don't even see "spell my name right" on this list. I can live with "Read" "Reade" "Reid" "Reed" and "snookums" if I have to.

But as of tonight I've absolutely fucking HAD IT with people who query me and feel obliged to include some sort of comment about those dreadful books being published today.

If the reason for this is not clear let me spell it out: it's insulting.

So, the short list is updated.


jessjordan said...

Dear Janice Wreath (a.k.a. Agent Snookums):

Yeah, so, like, hi. What's up with you? Good, good to here. What's up with me, you ask?

Well, you sea, I just wrote this book. Okay, so I didn't actually do the righting, but my friend did, and I read it and it was SOOOO awesome that I just HAD to right you about it.

I was bated on the first page, and even though my friend doesn't no I'm sending you this letter, I no he'll wanna except representation from you, because you have the coolest websight evaaa!

So anyWAY ... its a fiction novel. (You know, the kind where you make stuff up.) And my friend? Hella good at making stuff up. He won Class Liar 3 years in a row, fo sho!

And let me tell you, Snookums, books published today ain't got nothin' on this masterpeace. I mean, that stuff that came out this year was just unreadable it was sooooo bad! I don't know what you agent people were THINKing excepting those books from peeps, but since your super cool I'll forgive you.

But take my word: you won't be making a mistake by hiring my friend, because this book is DIFFERENT. And I didn't win Class Liar, so you NO I must be telling the truth.

Holla at me when you get this, so I can tell my boy the good news.

Piece out, Snookums.

worldofhiglet said...

Well I'm pretty sure I didn't commit that particular sin.

Er - could I suggest a little snifter and a hot bath? That vein throbbing in your temple doesn't look so good...

H.C. Zuerner said...

Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't you an integral part of publishing those dreadful books? I hope you have properly torn your clothes and dumped ashes on your shamed head.

Lumpy Dog said...

I know it's not right to take joy in someone else's annoyances, but damn, you make me laugh sometimes.

Christa said...

Take a deep, slow breath in and out. Go to your quiet spot. Picture the offender in front of you. Imagine your hands wrapping around the person's neck. Now squeeze with all your might.

Honestly, the more I read from various agents blogs about the stupidity and simple rudeness of would-be authors, the more I wonder how you all remain polite and sane.

Margaret Yang said...

Would you believe that people say this to writers too? To our faces? And it makes me doubly angry when my fellow writers say it, usually in the exact same breath that they say that publishing is broken and needs a new business model (don't get me started on that one). I guarantee that these same people are both querying every agent they can find and walking out of Borders with armloads of new books. Once they actually set foot in the bookstore, they suddenly find oodles of books they want to buy. But of course, they are only choosing the very best books, not all the crap that "somehow" gets published. And also, they are finding these books despite publishing being broken. Stop me before I punch someone.

Glynis said...

I cannot believe there are people who write to you, insulting books that have been accepted for publication.
Such arrogance on their part, to think they are a better writer.
My eyes are really being opened. I realise I am so niave, when I read more and more about the publishing world and agents.
I enjoyed my visit.