Monday, January 26, 2009

Barbara Poelle slithers again

Barbara Poelle is competitive.

I used to think I was the most aggressive, competitive agent below 42nd Street.
I'm yielding the title, not to mention the sash and sceptre.

Why you might ask?

Today I have a long list of editors to call, projects to pitch, potential clients to woo, and two novels due on second book deals.

So what does that EVIL EVIL EVIL Miss Poelle do? Oh yea, she sends me A BAD DAY FOR SORRY by Miss Sophie Littlefield.

I was just merrily opening the email attachment from Barbara thinking it was a new picture of a shark (Barbara has all the best ones) and found myself reading this:

Whuppin’ ass wasn’t so hard, Stella Hardesty thought as she took aim with the little Raven .25 she took off a cheating son-of-a-bitch in Kansas City last month.

What was hard was making sure it stayed whupped.

Especially on a day when it hit a hundred degrees before noon. And you were having hot flashes. And today’s quote on your Calendar For Women Who Do Too Much read Find serenity in unexpected places.

“Fuck serenity,” Stella said. And she shot the trailer.

Now how am I supposed to get any more work done knowing I have this waiting for me??

is available for preorder at Amazon. It comes out in August. I've got my copy on reserve as of today.

I'm not sure how I will wreck revenge on Barbara Poelle, but if you have any brilliant ideas let me know. I'll be the one reading on the couch.


Ugly Deaf Muslim Punk Gurl! said...

WOW, you have so much to do. I have like 5 books that I haven't read yet AND I just bought a +700 pages long biography on Che yesterday, I just started reading it. LOL. So I guess those other 5 books will have to wait for now.

House 6 said...

Ms. Poelle does have the best shark pictures, doesn't she? I adore her HTDGTF picture.

Tell you what, this summer I'll try to distract her with a query while you catch up on the reading. I know it's a few months away, but you can't rush perfection (alas).

ICQB said...

Hey, I think I knew somebody like Stella when I lived in Texas. Her husband got mauled by a mountain lion, but I'm not so sure it was an accident...

Marjorie said...

Wow! I am getting busy! I am (as we speak) working on the perfect query for Ms. Poelle. My book is indeed a "rare" memoir! It's "A Jew Grows in Brooklyn" meets "Running With Scissors" and a little "51 Birch Street" thrown into the mix. I am going to flatter her a little and tell her she looks like Jessica Simpson. Doesn't she a little?

DeadlyAccurate said...

Barbara Poelle is going to be a guest at a writer's conference around here this spring. When I saw that, I was tempted to go to it solely for the purposes of meeting her.

Steve Stubbs said...

Unless she aims at the window, a .25 may not have enough penetrating power. Better to borrow the .44 magnum automatic Clint Eastwood used in the movie SUDDEN IMPACT. And take a strong stance when you shoot it. A .44 packs a helluva wallop to the shooter as well as the shootee. If that's not enough ass whuppin' she can always opt for .50 caliber. That kind of ammo burns right through armor plate.

Of course if she is shooting at her spouse it makes more sense just to go inside the trailer and start blasting away at close range. Any marriage counselor can tell you that.

Any criminal defense attorney, too.

By the way, killing your spouse in Texas is perfectly legal so long as you catch him or her engaged in certain kinds of unseemly activities with someone other than yourself. The Texas legislature understands how it is with married folks. They also understand the need to selectively streamline divorce proceedings.

Just make sure you don't scare the dog when you do it.

Shelli said...

sounds like the way to get her back is to block her emails or send her a really uge file :)

Crimogenic said...

"I'm not sure how I will wreck revenge on Barbara Poelle, but if you have any brilliant ideas let me know."

Did you try drinking her under the table yet? It seems so many others have fallen while trying to keep up with you.

Leif said...

Dear Query Shark,
I am greatly concerned about Janet Reid. There is a soft little kitten sitting on the couch next to me and I think she might be able to take Janet in a fair fight.

Here is what I would say:

Snap out of it. SNAP OUT, I say!
You need to go talk to Sophie Littlefield. You need to git you one of those little Raven .25s, and then you need to go shoot up Miss Poelle's trailer.

Of course she has one. They are all the style these days.

It may be masquerading as a waffle truck.

Revenge Taken...check.
ACA Title Salvaged...check.
World Order Restored...check.

I'm going to go register my superhero powers now.

BJ said...

Re Mr. Stubbs' comment:

What with 'Whuppin’ ass' and making sure it 'stayed whupped', I got the feeling that she wasn't out for the kill, just to scare someone into submission. The shooting of the trailer - particularly if the intended was within - probably either draw the sucker out, or scare him into remaining in the trailer indefinitely and staying out of her way. Of course, we'll have to read the novel to find out for sure.

Re the wrecking of revenge against a certain Ms. P...

She is obviously very good at finding some way to tie up competing agents' time. Perhaps the best revenge would be to use her own methods against her. Obviously getting her to take over your Tuesdays at Dead Guy wasn't enough - though it *was* diabolical.

Perhaps you could find novels she wouldn't be able to put down, and send them to her.

Or, if she likes cute dogs and cats, introduce her to the wonders of LOLcats or LOLdogs. If that doesn't take up all her time, it might just screw around with her innate sense of grammar...

Ellen said...

Cool voice. Thanks for the heads up. This one goes on my wish list ...

Eric said...

That Sophie Littlefield is a writing machine - with a helluva voice. I've had the good fortune to have read the book in manuscript and boy howdy - as one of your clients I can say that I am glad she isn't one of your clients since she writes fast and smart and would keep you so busy you'd have little choice but to ignore slackers like me.

McKoala said...

I'd make a killer suggestion, but I know you're too busy reading to see it.

Michelle Gagnon said...

Yay, Sophie! I can't wait to read it too.

Dal Jeanis said...

Got voice, much?


* * *

BJ - yes, wondering why she's shooting the trailer is part of the hook. In that section, you have a fascinating character, strong action, and a mysterious situation that doesn't seem likely to slow down. On the other hand, the impression that I get from those 82 words is that I'd have trouble reading the book. Consider this sentence:

And today’s quote on your Calendar For Women Who Do Too Much read Find serenity in unexpected places.

Unless there was typography to help me read that line, and if that line was typical, I'd be dropping the book after a page and a half, fascinating or not. Maybe quotes around "read...places." might have helped, maybe not.

Anyway, it's certainly worth a browse when it comes out.

* * *

Steve - You got that all wrong about us down here in Texas. Man can't shoot his wife, nor vice versa in general. On the other hand, "the bastard deserved it" is considered a valid defense, as long as the deceased wasn't a cop.

Cornelia Read said...

I totally love Sophie in real life, too. And I got to read the book, and it is AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jessica Milne said...

I second the LOLcats suggestion. :) I can't stand looking at them because the grammer makes my brain melt. That would be fair revenge, would it not?