Just how bad is it?

The Bulwer-Lyton Fiction Contest results for 2008 are in!

Here's the winner:

Theirs was a New York love, a checkered taxi ride burning rubber, and like the city their passion was open 24/7, steam rising from their bodies like slick streets exhaling warm, moist, white breath through manhole covers stamped "Forged by DeLaney Bros., Piscataway, N.J."

Garrison Spik
Washington, D.C.

My other favorite:
Winner: Vile Puns

Vowing revenge on his English teacher for making him memorize Wordsworth's "Intimations of Immortality," Warren decided to pour sugar in her gas tank, but he inadvertently grabbed a sugar substitute so it was actually Splenda in the gas.

Becky Mushko
Penhook, VA

If at first you don't suceed, fry fry a hen.

I'm not sure how we got on the subject of food photography today at work but we did. I was flinging my hands in the air and pontificating based on years of doing food segments on TV how hard it was to photograph food in situ and not have it look like a big ol blob o'yuck.

My colleague Amy Tipton mentioned she had a lovely photograph of a dinner one of her friends had taken. I thought 'yea right'. Then she sent me this:























Amy 1; Janet 0

Calling Prof. 'iggins!

This is a fun little game to guess where accents are from. I only got three right! How well did you do? (click on the Test Your Skills, NOT how to play)

You Are Not The Boss Of Me (unless your name is Stephany Evans of course)

Who among us hasn't heard a five year old say "you are not the boss of me" to some pipsqueak sand box bully who wants everyone to organize and color code the buckets and shovels. Or dress up the cat in a ballerina tutu.

Well, like most things five-year-olds say, it's true.

Here's the most recent use of that pithy phrase, applied to using social networking sites to market books. I think it's pretty smart advice.

Beach Blanket Bingo!

I wouldn't mind living here for a summer!
I think this looks really fun!

If Frankie and Annette show up, I'm ready!

Tuesday Night at the Question Emporium

I'm always hearing other writers advise not reading unpublished manuscripts for legal reasons. I always just assumed published writers gave out that excuse to avoid a billion wannabes from inundating them with unpublishable dreck. Is there any truth behind the advice?

I tell my clients they are forbidden upon pain of death to read unpublished, un-contracted, un-agented unknown work. If necessary I type out a little card they can carry in their wallet:

My agent Janet Reid at FinePrint Lit
forbids me to read manuscripts.
I'm more afraid of her than I am of you,
so please forgive me for not agreeing to read this.

Then I make them practice saying it out loud. Some of my clients (how this happened I do not know) are very nice, kind, helpful people and the idea of not being kind and helpful requires practice and the very real fear of that bodily harm thing.

There are a couple reasons I do this.

First, the people who step over the boundaries of common courtesy and common sense by thrusting manuscripts at you without asking, or in public places, are just the kind of people who don't understand how publishing works, and don't have all their synapses firing in the right order. In other words, just exactly the kind of person who can become a problem. My clients don't need that.

Second, I've heard directly from authors whom I don't represent that they've had very unfortunate litigation threats from people who believe the author "stole" their idea. My clients don't need that either.

Third, it's always easier to have someone else to blame. My authors don't need to alienate potential readers, no matter how nutso or crazy, by saying "no I don't wanna." Thus I ask them to blame me. I get blamed for everything else anyway, I'm used to it.

Generally I think it's a bad bad bad idea to read feral manuscripts. By feral I mean those not domesticated enough to attend a writing conference, a critique group, a writing contest, or a college class.

So, repeat after me:

My agent told me if I read this,
she'd kill me.

I believe her.

I'm very sorry,
but feel free to take it up with her.
Her email is Janet @ yougottabekiddingme.com

Load weapon, shoot foot

Ms. Reid ... thanks for your astonishingly quick response to my query re my novel "(redacted) "

I was disappointed, of course. But puzzled by your comment, "I1m (sic) sorry it1s (sic) not a match for my list."

Perhaps your entry in the 2008 edition of Novel and Short Story Writer's Market is different from that in the 2007 edition...which clearly stated, "Considers these fiction areas: Action/adventure; detective/police/crime; ethnic; experimental; literary; mainstream/contemporary; mystery/suspense; regional; thriller; young adult."

But if not...and I'm not be nastily critical here, only making a helpful suggestion...perhaps you should edit/update your list.

Also, and this IS a criticism of the publishing industry, it seems to me that literary agents have too much say in what gets published and what doesn't. I read some of the blogs on the site to which you referred me.. .and came away convinced that a literary agent's personal likes and dislikes shouldn't carry so much weight.

After all, literary agents are just people...and prone to make mistakes that people often make. I wonder how many possibly great novels never see the light of day because some literary agent somewhere wasn't impressed enough by a query, for example, to request a manuscript. Or having read one, decided that the world wouldn't be interested or intrigued enough to buy and read a particular novel or whatever.

Or vice versa...pushes a book that many, many readers are manipulated into buying, only to find that the novel is boring at best. Lord knows I've come across enough of them!

I admit, I don't have an answer as to how to improve the process. But I do know that it should be.

Hmmm. I could write a book about that. But then, what literary agent would recommend it to a publisher?

Have a nice day!

This was in response to the query he sent that reads in part:

Contradictory instructions!

"We do not accept e-mail enquiries." (2007 Novel & Short Story Writer's
Market) "How to Send Work / By email: / Query letter to: queryjet@earthlink.net"
(Internet)

Confusing, but...

Novel: (redacted)
Length: Estimated 294 printed pages
Author: (name and snail mail address)

Synopsis: Action/adventure; detective/police/crime; mainstream;
mystery/suspense.

Prologue: (redacted)

But, you'll see...if you 're interested enough to request a manuscript.

(name)

I understand that agent websites can be confusing, and that's frustrating. I understand that publishing seems to be run on personal taste. I STRONGLY encourage you to not mention that anywhere near a query letter.

For starters it has nothing to do with your book. For finishers, it sets my teeth on edge to be criticized by someone I don't know for a "mistake" that isn't. Two years ago when that guide was published I didn't take e-queries. I also wasn't with FinePrint (or even Imprint when the Guide was assembled--the listings are sent in in January of 06 for the 07 edition).

Also "not a match for my list" doesn't mean "it's not the right category." It means only that I am not going to ask for more. That's ALL it means. That's all it EVER means when ANY agent says it. It's not code for 'you suck'. It's not code for 'you queried me for something I don't represent.'

This guy could have sent in the next DaVinci Code and I probably would have said no because I really do not want to work with anyone who thinks this is a persuasive query letter.

Don't make the same mistake.


And just for reference here's the text of the form rejection:



Thank you for your query.
I’m sorry it’s not a match for my list.
I need to focus on the things I do best so I have to pass on many worthy projects.

Very best wishes finding just the right place for your work.



Janet Reid
FinePrint Literary Management


I have some posts about query pitfalls, and the world of agenting on my blog: jetreidliterary.blogspot.com

August!

I have a question. You said you have a project going out on Monday. Does that mean that agents can still approach editors in August? I've heard that publishing "shuts down" in August. How much of that is reality and how much is myth? My agent is sending my novel out now, but maybe I should quit obsessing until September, or later.

August is slower for sure. Half the known world was gone at RWA last week; many are taking advantage of the travel time and taking some extra vacation days.

Truthfully, I send stuff out all the time. I've sent things out between Christmas and New Year. An editor emailed me today asking for a proposal I'm shopping. You can bet it will be on his desk on Monday morning.

As for the project I'm going out with on Monday, frankly I'm going out cause I love it and want to talk about it to everyone. It's a debut mystery author and I'm just jazzed about the book. More details when it sells of course.

Mostly what I'm doing now though is getting caught up. I'll be reading all the pending fulls, all the pending partials by the end of the month. After that I'll have a clear idea of what I'll be focusing on in September.

Ten Things to Know if You Go Commando

This is the handout for the workshop I did last week on what to watch for if you are publishing without an agent:

Ten Things to Know If You Go Commando
Writing the Region Seminar
July 26,2008

1. Don't sign anything without a publishing law specialist or publishing lawyer looking at it. If you need the name of a contracts review specialist, email me and I'll give you one.

Talk to authors who are published by the publisher. Particularly the authors on the back list.

Blog reader Pepper: One thing that would probably have helped is if I’d actually talked to authors who had been published through my first publisher. Don’t be afraid to ask for their experiences, though the newer the publisher, the less likely anything truly useful will come of it, because the publisher won’t have had time to make blatant mistakes yet, or the authors won’t have had time to realize they’re in trouble yet.




2. Buy and use Kirsch's Guide to the Book Contract
Acrobat Books (December 1998)
ISBN-10: 091822635X
ISBN-13: 978-0918226358

Know what's negotiable and what's not:

From blog reader Lynn: we’ve seen authors ask for some pretty ridiculous things that aren’t contract standard – like the time the author requested we would buy her a copy of Microsoft Word so we could perform our edits on her manuscript. If we declined to put that in the contract, she was going to walk.


3. A contracts lawyer is not in your best interest.
Publishing contracts, and publishing law are specialties.


4. Separate business and editorial calls/emails.
Keep all copies of your business emails. Keep notes on your business phone calls. You'll need them if you have to reconstruct or verify terms of the contract.

Blog reader Ryan: "Going commando" is as difficult as it is rewarding. Last month I found out by accident I was published in a book released in April, but they'd never sent a contract and I hadn't received a check or copies of the book. I knew I'd submitted to them, but after not hearing back I thought they'd passed and I didn't give it second thought. So I had to contact the editor and fix things...no big deal and now I have an even better relationship with the editor; he was mortified. And the book was featured in the ISO BOMC and it's received great reviews, so I'm glad I'm in it even if I got paid late.


5. Doing foreign rights on your own
A. Who controls the rights/how long-this is negotiable in the contract
B. How to find foreign agents-Publishers Marketplace. You query them like you do US agents. Most are fluent in English.



6. Managing film rights on your own
A. Don't EVER license the film rights to the publisher
B. Get a film agent-there's a directory of them.
C. Don't give your film rights away for nothing (production companies call and ask for this all the time)


7. Checklist for royalty statements
Make sure you mark your calendar for when royalty statements are due and follow up if they are not received.
A. Books printed, books shipped, books returned, royalty rate
B. Reserve for returns
C. Accounting periods

D. The evil that is "joint accounting"

From a blog reader: "In the late 90s / early 2000s, I published a number of technical books with Pearson PTR. The first 3 sold well, the 4th one did not. I really, really, really wish I'd understood that they were going to apply the earnings of books 1, 2, and 3 to pay back the advance on book 4 in the event that book 4 didn't earn out. I ended up doing that on basically for free. Ouch. "


8. What happens when you don't get paid.
A. Be pleasantly persistent
B. Take amount owed in books (and not at full retail value)
C. Contact Amazon to have book removed from sale


9. What to do if you don't get paid correctly
Gail Gross
Marcum & Kliegman LLP



10. Know you're going to be doing a lot yourself.



One of the advantages of being published even without an agent:

Sandra: I discovered how editors treat my work, and they were vastly different. In the editing process, I learned to keep a sharp eye for mistakes and how to use diplomacy when dealing with editors who did a hatchet job on my work.

I consider this stage in my writing career to be a growth stage. Some of my writer friends hit the ground running, finding success right out of the gate. I'm simply taking baby steps, sniffing the air and making friends along the way. As long as my writing brings a smile or a tear
to a single face, I consider myself a success. Certainly not a financial success, since my last quarterly statement showed a grand total of $1.32.


Thanks to the many of you who emailed with your experiences and "what I wish I'd known" comments. They were all very helpful!

I said "shhhhh"

this is shamelessly stolen from overduemedia.com
I am a devoted fan of their comic strip and view of the world.

B&N Confesses!

Barnes and Noble discovers Dan Tomasulo, calls his memoir Confessions of a Former Child A hilarious and perceptive examination of the mysteries of childhood and the perils of parenthood!

I just called it hilariously heartbreaking and illuminating all at the same time.

I still remember the first time I read it. I've read it a bunch more times now, and I still love it.

Here's another article at PsycheCentral about the book, this one about a therapy technique called monodrama.

It's August

It's officially the slowest month of the publishing year.
That does not mean nothing will be happening.
I plan to get a lot done this month starting with catching up on all my reading!

I have three contracts to shepherd through to final signatures, one project going out on Monday, and the rest of the time I will be reading reading reading.

I really like August. Yea it's hotter than sin, and everything takes forever, but when the main thing you have to do all day every day is read, that's just a fine life.

And Season Five of The Wire comes out this month. I'm poised to pre-order, rush shipment. When it arrives, I will be incommunicado for at least three days so I can watch it all at least twice.