Friday, April 01, 2022

New submission guidelines

I'm no longer accepting email queries.


All queries need to come on paper.


Personalized of course. The salutation must be Dear Snookums.


You must query me first, and exclusively for 60 days. I'm very busy and can't be rushed.


Make sure you include comps. But use only books I've sold.


In your bio section:

If you are Steve Forti, you must include the word Nemesis.

If you are Katja Schulz, you must translate Snookums into German.


If you are not either of these people , you must tell me why Julie Weathers is the cat's pajamas.


You must include your latest Wordle score.


And last but not least, make sure you include a $20 bill.




I'm going to die laughin if this ends up on Query Tracker.




E.M. Goldsmith said...

And a lovely April Fool's Day to you as well, your Majesty. And Julie Weathers really is the cat's pajamas isn't she?

Leslie said...

Good one!

Until "Personalized of course," I thought it might be legit. (My publisher required a paper submission, then called to ask for it in digital form - I guess they were wary of viruses?)

I hope everyone has a great weekend

C. Dan Castro said...

C. Dan Castro is my latest nom de plume. I'm actually Stephen King (or possibly Dean Koontz). Do I still need to jump through all these hoops?

Dena Pawling said...

Dear Snookums: I will send you my 1000 word query today. And per your guidelines, I will also include the manuscript, printed in thumbnails 16 per page to save paper and money on postage. My 400,000 word picture book is comparable to We are Not Good People and Writing Without Rules. It will make us both lots of money. Don't miss this lucrative opportunity. I am your number one fan.

Timothy Lowe said...

We shall see if this is safer than a bogus FF contest ;)

Barbara Etlin said...

Only $20?! That's a bargain. Also, don't you want an SASE? Or are you planning to reject everything anyway?

Happy April Fool's!

Leslie said...

And now I so wanna read Dena's book!

Donnaeve said...

I'm dropping by to say I've decided to stop writing. Yep, telling y'all that on April Fool's Day.

Comment on yesterday's post - I too love hard cover, but I will buy trade paper, and don't mind it sitting on my bookshelves. One thing I've noticed, if you are published in soft cover only, it "appears" there is less respect from bookstores. THAT is no joke. I had a bookstore turn down an event because "we only do hard cover authors."


MaggieJ said...

Dear Snookums,

You caused me a good five seconds of stunned disbelief after reading the first line. Then I remembered what day it is and read through to the end with a grin on my face.

Believe it or not, there are still publishers who will only consider paper queries. And that's no April Fool's joke.

~ MaggieJ

Colin Smith said...

I wrote a short story that featured a literary agent who would only accept type-written, hard-copy queries AND manuscripts. Of course, there are all kinds of twists in the tale because... well, it's me. The story needs work but it might see the light of day sometime... No kidding. :)

Glad to see Janet's still taking queries from Carkoon! :D

Craig F said...

Hey Snookums,

I'm a gonna butter your buns and call you a biscuit on this, I got a book for you.

I am not going to pee on your leg and try to convince you it is raining because I have compiled all of the Julie weathers Texasisms and translated them into Gaelic.

Its a gonna be big, but 20 billion bucks is a little high, 20 billion rupees might work in a week or two

Signed fencepost

Melanie Sue Bowles said...


John Davis Frain said...

Thank you for your offer of representation, but I'm already playing hard to get elsewhere. Good luck trying to place your services with a nemesis of mine. It's fine if you advance my $20 via PayPal.

Have yourself a merry little weekend.

Bonnie Shaljean said...

Even knowing what day it is, I saw that first line and nearly had heart failure. A great agent gets busy enough, it happens...

But the paper queries gave the game away. I didn't even have to wait for Snookums. Heart's still racing a mile a minute, though.

Steve Forti said...

Dear Snookums,
My kids actually got me this morning with a fake cat poop on my office floor. Dagnammit.

Michael Seese said...

And my submission needs to have an unexpected twist at the end.

BTW, it's a fiction novel.

AJ Blythe said...

Of course, I read the first line and went, Whaaaaat? Then kept reading and worked it out. Easier to trick someone when the fool's day has past and we are half way through the next.

Thanks everyone for giving me a laugh. You guys write the best comments!

(That is the cutest bat photo.)

NLiu said...

Ha! Enjoyed this!

Katja said...

Liebes Hasilein! ❤😅

But of course I will address you in German. 😆

I have to admit that I stumbled over my own first language from time to time while being in Switzerland. I am now most comfortable in English, even though I know it's not perfect.

But I shall get used to German again once I live there (hopefully!).

I'm sad to be back in the UK and having to stay here for longer because I just couldn't get a job in CH (yet). When we returned, police and border force stopped me as they couldn't find my pre-settled status in their system for 20 minutes or so. Never had this happened to me before but it wasn't April Fool's Day but REAL! Grrrr.... Brexit!

Anyway, I have time to practise my German and addressing you, dear Hasilein, because my second novel isn't finished, so I'll be querying you once you have switched back to email reception 😉.

LynnRodz said...

One of my mum's favorite days.

Wordle Score: 96% - Max Streak 20

Julie Weathers said...

Oh, my gosh. I laughed so hard.

You may rest assured the next time I query it will be to Dear Snookums, or, since I am from the south, perhaps Dear Miss Snookums. Manners count.

"If you are not either of these people, you must tell me why Julie Weathers is the cat's pajamas."

And just when I had told myself to stop posting because I can never post a short, to-the-point reply.

I laughed like a loon.

Great April Fools.

Wait, does that mean I'm not the cat's pajamas?

Love you, Miss Janet, That is not a joke.

Theresa said...

The best of April 1!

Panda in Chief said...

At least I can post my Wordle scores!

And a happy April's Fool Day to all of you too!

Ted Garvin said...

Query coming your way. Does it hurt my cause that I don't know who any of the people whose names you cite are?

Can I send that $20 in pennies? Just askin'.