One day last week I'd just stumbled to the kitchen, ready to pitch woo to the coffee pot, when a knock sounded at the door.
Thinking it might be my building Super(man) who periodically stops by to make sure I haven't tried to use the oven and burn the place down, I check the spy hole.
It is NOT Super(man). It is UPS man whom I have known for going on 20 years now. We greet each other effusively since it has been some time since I've had a UPS delivery at home.
I sign for the parcel, wish him well, then close the door.
Only then do I realize these things:
1. My hair would look better were it on fire;In other words, hell warmed over would have been a marked improvement.
2. I'm wearing my shark jammies, and have been for some time.
And UPS man hadn't turned a hair, or even raised an eyebrow.
Now that is a true gentleman! Doorbell discretion at its finest!
The parcel was some delicious new reading.
So, what were you wearing the last time you scared an unexpected caller?
20 comments:
If I was scaring them, I believe it would have been one of two things: a) nothing at all or b) my pink flamingo onesie.
I don't remember what I was wearing, but my hair was full of one of those 15 minute conditioners when I was served with my divorce papers years ago. The server looked doubtfully at the photo of me he was using for identification and asked if it was a RECENT photo. I laughed and told him it had been taken a few weeks before. "You just caught me at a bad moment," I said. He looked again at the photo and said, "I can see that."
I don't remember what I was wearing either, but back in December we had a Christmas shipment that had been opened by a would-be package stealer. But the package contained books...so they must have opened it, and been disappointed that it wasn't something more expensive. Ha.
Proof that books are repellent to package stealing ruffians!
Channel #5
(Okay, that never happened. But Marilyn Monroe once said, when asked, that's what she wears to bed, and I've always wanted the chance to use that reply.)
It was a few days ago and the UPS guy brought some connecting rods and valves for an engine. I was wearing a t-shirt and sweat pants and grabbed a sherpa jacket, which was the only thing close, to hid the fact that I had no bra on. At my age, he'd have probably died from apoplexy seeing that!
Inevitably, on the lower half, sweat pants with holes, over long johns with holes, tucked into heavy winter socks. On the upper half, hoodie (with hay caught in the hood) under a barn vest that's been smeared with everything from horse goober to medications. Hair, unbrushed but flat from being under a toque all the time. And naturally, smelling distinctly of horse.
But the funniest UPS delivery story I have is the time they left a package in a tree. Maybe that says more about my appearance than anything!
Not sure but if it was my average night it was sweats and either a pirate, unicorn, or Liverpool t-shirt. I try not to let people arrive here unannounced. The lack of a basement is likely the only reason they can leave and speak to what I may or may not have been wearing.
So, I'm reading this. I come across the word jammies. I ask Fiancé, who sits at the dining table typing away something to do with our new contract to extend our stay in this flat.
He looks up and says "lucky". I'm like "Nah, can't be. Must be a noun."
But he's not listening.
So I type it into my translation tool. "Marmeladen" comes up, meaning jam. Maybe that's jelly in American, hm...
I ask Fiancé again: "It's a noun in this case!"
He: "Oh, jam on toast!!"
Nah, I don't think Janet was wearing a toast. Makes no sense.
"Is it clothing?"
He, getting annoyed: "You need to give me more context?"
Me, getting a little annoyed too, raising my voice ;) : "SHE'S WEARING HER SHARK JAMMIES!"
Him: "Who?"
Me, grr-ing: "Janet, for crying out loud!"
*Please imagine his face now*
Me again: "So what is it? Pyjamas??"
Him: "Yeah, can be. But why is she wearing them?"
Me, rolling eyes: "Just because."
I think he's totally confused. But now I know what jammies are. :D
My neighbor stopped by one time when I was cleaning and I opened the door wearing an apron with a can of pledge poking out of one pocket and a feather duster out of another, like a gunfighter ready for a gunfight. I was also wearing thick slipper booties. And yoga pants.
I was over at my shop when a UPS driver needed a signature. UPS thinks epoxy is a hazardous material, so I have to sign.
I came to sign in a hooded Tyvek suit, respirator, goggles and nitrile gloves. I also had a fine layer of epoxy dust on me because I was sanding epoxy and it doesn't matter how good you vacuum system is, some escapes.
The guy had apparently been streaming Breaking Bad, because he looked like he had found a meth lab.
A few minutes later a couple of cops actually came to check us out.
I guffawed so loudly at the image in Craig F's comment that I think I pulled a muscle in my rib cage.
So, now I'm bent over laughing and crying.
I believe that counts as a win, Craig!
Thank you, My Queen.
Now I just need that kind of response for my fiction.
P.S.- Sorry if it hurt you.
Oh to see the UPS delivery guys face after visiting Craig!
My worst package delivery came when I was dressed up for the theatre. Not often I answer with my hair brushed, let alone nice dress, shoes etc. Sadly the effect was ruined by the fact I had my dress tucked into my undies. *sigh*. If only I hadn't stepped out to keep the dog inside...
My neighbor knocked on my door around noon last summer to tell me that he'd found seven kittens in his backyard (I have a bowl on my back porch for neighborhood cats who stop by, and he'd thought the mama cat, who was actually a stray, was mine). I was wearing pajama bottoms and a tank top with no bra. Not how I try to dress for a conversation with my neighbor. (I got all seven kittens and their mom -- after changing into appropriate clothing -- and hooked up with a local cat rescue to get the kittens adopted. Kept mama, and still foster kittens for the rescue.)
Just my tie-dye undies and sleepy hair. I had seen them through a side window- coming to tell me how to avoid going to Hell. I’m usually polite, but their group had been coming by a lot, and I was still waking up, and Hell is not my home. So I opened the door and peered around it, clearly not wearing a shirt. “Hey, I’m not dressed, but if you want to come in I’ll make some coffee.”
They declined and teleported outta there.
One of my friends has been a UPS driver for almost 20 years and, oh, the stories he could tell... and does, when we're lucky.
We do tend to have people other than my husband and dog also living here, so I'm pretty frequently in pajama pants, a tank top, and some manner of hoodie (I found a fantastic one that is practically knee length)
The most startled a UPS person ever was, though, was when Elka was still with us. I was not home to witness, though this is the story as related to me. My husband (Then fiancé) was doing something in the kitchen when the UPS guy knocked, peered through the (unlit) front of the house and said "oh hey just slide it in the door! Thanks!" So the UPS guy opens the screen door, not noticing the black Doberman standing on the arm of the black couch, silently wagging because there! is! a! visitor! who! has! been! welcomed! and he leaaaaans in, pushing the box across our little entry rug and Elka leaaaaaaans over and licks him on the ear.
He freezes.
He, still crouch-leaned, turns and looks up into the smiling toothy dog mouth. He, still crouch-leaned, teleports back out onto the porch and almost goes over the porch rail, rights himself as the screen door slams, and makes the turn to point himself back down our porch steps so he can run back down the driveway to his truck. Elka never made a noise, didn't chase him, and very certainly was not going to bite.
They must have an online group or something because even now, ten years later, delivery people just kind of toss stuff on our porch from the driveway.
When a service tech from the city came by to inform me that he needed to turn off our water for a while so he could replace the water meter, I was wearing my coffee-stained "NAP TIME!" tee-shirt and fleece Spiderman pajama bottoms. And I'm sure he didn't need to be Sherlock to notice that my dog had been sitting in my lap as I was editing my WIP.
"I was about to take a shower, but no worries, I can wait a few more minutes."
I don't think he bought it.
Having an inside scoop on the matter, I'm guessing you were much better dressed than a lot of what the UPS guys see. Trust me on this; I'm not divulging details.
I wasn't.
They do have a habit of arriving precisely when I'm in the shower.
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