I'll be querying again soon, about a matriarchal, nomadic, goat herding society. Hopefully they'll all love this next one.I perked up immediately.
I mean who doesn't want a book about matriarchal, goat herding nomads?
BUT, and this is a big but, there was a missed opportunity here.
Thanks to Sara for generously allowing me to use her as the demo-chum.
------------------------------
2:20pm update from the comments
Hank references great old movie: The Gods Must Be
Crazy
There needs to be an empty coke /
pepsi bottle that fell from the sky.
Post a blog filled with writers, and sure enough, you
get a story:
Fearless Reider
I’m guessing magic beans, which Suri the surly goat-herder (and reluctant heir to her grandmother’s goat fur crown) will feed to the goats in the hopes that they’ll sprout wings and fly away so she can skip off (on a flying goat, with any luck) to the bright lights of faraway Oasis and fulfill her dream of becoming a forensic accountant. And the trouble that ensues when it turns out that her lifelong nemesis, Carbuncle the Foul, has tainted the magic beans so that instead of bestowing the power of flight, they cause the goats to multiply exponentially every 10 minutes and follow Suri wherever she goes. In other words, a compelling protagonist with a knotty problem and a ticking clock.
In other words, a story. Which I’m sure S.P. Bowers has —we just didn’t get to hear about it yet, and we are poorer for it. I hope we’ll get to hear it soon.
Heading in the right direction
Jenn Griffin
K. White Stakes and
conflict.
Atlantic: I was
missing conflict.
Claire Bobrow: I'm guessing what several of you already said: stakes and
conflict.
Beth Carpenter: I agree with several of you. The story is about a
matriarchal, goat herding society AND what happens when something important
changes. In other words, the instigating event.
Barbara Etlin: Conflict and stakes.
Nailed it
PAH
Here's my take. There is no verb. No action. No DO and therefore no conflict.
"A story about a matriarchal, nomadic, goat herding society THAT ..."
They need to DO something. Like others have said ... that is where story and conflict happen.
An example would be:
Jaws is a story about three men--a sheriff, a scientist and a semi-loon fisherman.
But that is not what Jaws is about. That's just who is involved.
Jaws is a story about three men--a sheriff, a scientist and a semi-loon fisherman--who risk their lives hunting down a giant great white in a small boat. (or something to that effect)
Mister Furkles
My updateAll stories are about conflict. So what is missing:
A matriarchal, nomadic, goat herding society battles vampires, dragons, and zombies for survival.
Here's what's missing: a taste of the plot, or the challenges faced by the characters. Clearly in a blog comment you don't have 25 words or even 10 words to describe it. Two or three at MOST.
Which means it's going to take a while to get it right. The fewer the words, the longer the writing time.
So: matriarchal, goat herding society
who get caught up in a waror whatever the change in situation is that prompts the start of the book.
who get kidnapped by aliens
who find dragons at the next oasis
And why do you need that?
Because if you have that, and if I read it, I'm probably going to say something like "I want to read that."
You've seen me do that with Julie Weathers and the Lady Bronc Riders. No pressure Julie. Nope, none.
You spend time on this blog and on Twitter. Think of it as investing not spending.
Don't miss a chance to catch my eye, or the eye of other agents on Twitter.
If you think we're not looking for good stuff, well you haven't been paying attention.
57 comments:
My first thought was... what is the time period?
That's the setting. What's the story?
Two thoughts:
1) Genre - could be historical fiction or a fantasy.
2) Stakes and conflict. Sounds a bit serene.
What did Sara query before? Who did she query it to? And who is "they"?
Because seriously - Sara had me a matriarchal, goat herding nomads. What else has she written?
Hmmm... my initial thought is that she didn't mention the story she had already queried. I can imagine Janet's desire to read more of Sara's work piqued by the comment, and that desire heightened all the more by the fact Sara had already queried a novel. Did she send it to Janet? Might Janet still have that query somewhere? If only there was a clue as to the story's name or subject matter...
It's not even 8 am here, and I haven't had any tea, so that's the best I can come up with!
My money is on the society not being humans who herd goats but rather a matriarchal society made up of sentient nomadic goats who happen to herd some other animal. Pesky human, perhaps.
I was missing conflict. Setup and context isn't story.
A matriarchal, goat-herding society that hides a fugitive scientist who fell from the sky. A matriarchal, goat-herding society where girls are mysteriously no longer born.
Well after reading Monday's post, obviously, more info. I think genre/ category would be important to you and other agents lurking about. That's the first thing I thought of, then word count, but I haven't had my tea yet.
Since Janet said "a missed opportunity," I'm going to guess that SP Bowers did not include a way for interested potential readers to follow her and hear more about the book when it comes out.
I can't remember if Sara specified this in the original post, but... fiction or non-fiction?
What's the genre? What's at stake? Are the goats dying off due to disease (general fiction), are they retaliating (horror), is there a male faction of humans threatening the matriarchal construct (war/end of days)?
My imagination runs amuck...but genre and stakes would need to be revealed in the query.
Here's my take. There is no verb. No action. No DO and therefore no conflict.
"A story about a matriarchal, nomadic, goat herding society THAT ..."
They need to DO something. Like others have said ... that is where story and conflict happen.
An example would be:
Jaws is a story about three men--a sheriff, a scientist and a semi-loon fisherman.
But that is not what Jaws is about. That's just who is involved.
Jaws is a story about three men--a sheriff, a scientist and a semi-loon fisherman--who risk their lives hunting down a giant great white in a small boat. (or something to that effect)
All stories are about conflict. So what is missing:
A matriarchal, nomadic, goat herding society battles vampires, dragons, and zombies for survival.
Whoa, first read that last line as Janet using a Reefer for "demon-chum." Yikes.
The comment isn't a query so I'm guessing the missing part isn't stakes or characters. Maybe genre, so that Janet knows if she should get her hopes up??
I’m guessing magic beans, which Suri the surly goat-herder (and reluctant heir to her grandmother’s goat fur crown) will feed to the goats in the hopes that they’ll sprout wings and fly away so she can skip off (on a flying goat, with any luck) to the bright lights of faraway Oasis and fulfill her dream of becoming a forensic accountant. And the trouble that ensues when it turns out that her lifelong nemesis, Carbuncle the Foul, has tainted the magic beans so that instead of bestowing the power of flight, they cause the goats to multiply exponentially every 10 minutes and follow Suri wherever she goes. In other words, a compelling protagonist with a knotty problem and a ticking clock.
In other words, a story. Which I’m sure S.P. Bowers has —we just didn’t get to hear about it yet, and we are poorer for it. I hope we’ll get to hear it soon.
Dragons, where are the dragons?
I'm guessing what several of you already said: stakes and conflict.
Maybe those matriarchal, goat-herding nomads are secretly rock n' roll-playing, crime-busting, yogurt-making superheroes?
I'm with PAH... about a matriarchal, nomadic, goat herding society that does what? Wanders? Murders? Conquers? Wipes out opposing tribe's crops? What? Is the herd the society? Mind control? The possibilities are endless except that I don't know what they are. I need to know what they are.
Is the problem that SP committed the cardinal sin of not being reachable? No email address/way to contact = the shark can't hunt down writer chum, err, manuscripts?
No protagonist. No stakes.
"So-and-so is expected to be a goat-herder in a matriarchal society, but has other plans..." (just spit-balling here--I could be way off!)
Lennon, I would definitely read a post about "demon chum."
But who lives in this neat world? And what is at stake therein?
I'll be querying again soon, about woman cast out a matriarchal, nomadic, goat herding society for her attempt to introduce sheep... and freedom. I once hoped they'll all love this next one, but the Adverb Police knocked this morning, 3 a.m., and have taken me away.
I'm reading what everyone else is saying, and I'm with Lennon that this was a comment, not a query. Janet said this was a missed opportunity, not a faulty blurb. I believe Janet contacted Sara, so she managed to obtain her contact info. That leaves me with what I said earlier, that it has to do with not providing more info about her previous query.
Of course, I could be wrong, but that's why I'm reading it the way I do.
The exciting protagonist and/or antagonist of this society?
Or with the reference to “next one,” maybe she missed a chance to mention/sell the previous one?
I agree with several of you. The story is about a matriarchal, goat herding society AND what happens when something important changes. In other words, the instigating event.
Caught up in the setting, forgot mention the stakes?
Did not want to be swayed by comments so I didn't read them.
If this is "the next one," how about the one that came before.
Now I'll read them.
There needs to be an empty coke / pepsi bottle that fell from the sky.
Hank: I went to see that movie multiple times during my senior year of college. One of the scenes that still kills me is when the lady gets in her car and drives to the end of her (short) driveway to...get the mail.
MG? YA? Adult? And as others said, is it non-fiction or a fiction novel?
(Yes, I did that to get Janet's GOAT.)
Who, when, where, why
Is it fiction or nonfiction?
I’d read it either way
Is it afternoon now?
Pleeease, tell us :)!!
I'm interested to know a particular nomadic goat herder. Give me a protagonist and from there conflict etc. Does this person fit in? Not fit in? Have dreams of herding other creatures?
Lennon, I'll be demon chum. Sounds much more interesting than the regular kind.
As others have mentioned, SP’s post was not a query, but rather an off-the-cuff comment on a blog, so I doubt the missed opportunity pertains to anything that would normally be expected in a query. As to what’s missing... I guess we’ll hear about it soon enough. At least I hope we will. In the mean time I hope I'll have enough fingernails left, to anticipatingly bite on.
Conflict and stakes.
Julie Andrews singing.
@ Cecilia... Julie Andrews singing, is one of my favorite things!! ;)
I still have to go with my first instinct, is this a picture book, MG, Ya, Romance, etc. Does this goat society meet up with a patriarchal lamb herding cult and it's love at first sight until the kids come along...okay I'll stop.
Yay! Now do we get to hear what those nomadic matriarchal goat herders are up to, S.P. Bowers?
This is why Janet always says to have an enticing one line description of your book ready. I didn't and had to resort to what I'm calling it, because I don't have a title yet either. Yes, I suck. Also, anyone else have the title as the last piece of the puzzle?
Here's what I've got so far for a one liner, but it still needs work.
The leader of goat herding nomads has been ousted in a coup and now must stay alive long enough to take back her clan and repay the sister who banished her.
Though I may have to re-write it after all the suggestions here. It definitely needs magic beans and dragons.
Hey--I was wrong! Again. :)
So the lesson here is: whenever you mention what your book is about, don't leave it at the nouns. Make sure the verb clause is there too. Regardless of whether you're talking on Twitter, Facebook, a family gathering, a school reunion, a blog comment, or a writing conference. Correct?
Congrats to those who nailed it!
SP - what I'd still be looking for is the "why?". Is being removed from leadership actually threatening her ability to stay alive? And does she want to reclaim her role just because she likes power (hopefully not)? Was she just bad at her job and deserved to be replaced (hopefully not, though her being bad at it could lead to interesting things)? Or will her sister lead their tribe to ruin in some way, and only the main character knows about it and how to stop her or something?
@Casual-T,
Yup, I can climb every mountain, ford every stream when I hear her sing.
I’d read the heck out of that, Sara! But if you need to spice it up a bit, you could add some magic beans in a Coke bottle, dropped from the sky by a dragon-riding Julie Andrews. The gods MUST be crazy. (I loved that movie, too).
I need to work on my one-liner. I don’t like talking about my unfinished work, so when kindly friends inquire about my WIP, I tell them it’s about a friendship between two girls and what happens when — you guessed it — a stranger comes to town. That’s an anti-enticement one-liner, designed to change the subject. Sometime soon I’ll need to switch gears and come up with a one-liner that invites conversation instead of shutting it down.
"...you could add some magic beans in a Coke bottle, dropped from the sky by a dragon-riding Julie Andrews."
Ladies and gentlemen, I do believe we have a winner!! ;D
Casual-T: Drop the hyphen and you have a really intriguing story. Why is a dragon riding Julie Andrews? ;)
@Colin... Credit for the dragon-riding Julie Andrews goes, of course, to Fearless Reider, since I was merely quoting from her post right above mine. But after reading your hyphenless version of her idea, I must say, I am utterly intrigued... Now if we could only find a way to combine this with goat-herding matriarchs! Or should that be goat herding matriarchs?
so much depends
upon
a hyphen
glazed with rain
water
beside the white
goats
Steve, Yes, being banished is normally thought of as a death sentence. No, she wants to return to save the clan because her sister will destroy everything. She was a good clan leader, though she did make mistakes.
I know my blurb missed urgency and stakes. It's not possible to write a great blurb in a day. At least not for me.
Thanks Fearless! I love that movie too, and I'd watch anything with a dragon-riding Julie Andrews, with or without the hyphen.
You've seen me do that with Julie Weathers and the Lady Bronc Riders. No pressure Julie. Nope, none.
Eh, trust me, they're on deck. I'm finishing the last round of revisions on Rain Crow before it goes out. Then I can focus fully on it to take my mind off rejections.
My primary source for info on my two MCs in Cowgirls Wanted was going through a bad family crisis and I wasn't going to bother him while that was going on. I think enough time has passed now to contact him.
Guess my metaphorical dragons didn't fly.
I know I'm late to comment, as usual lately (insane week), but I want to point out something that I wanted to say on the earlier post featuring S.P. Bowers. But didn't because I was . . . late commenting. So in case anyone is still reading:
If any of you think AGENTS are the only ones looking for good stuff, or even believe they're the most important demographic looking for good stuff, you're REALLY not paying attention.
I'm a voracious reader as well as a writer. I'm always looking for writers with interesting and creative voices who are probably writing the next story I can't wait to get my hands on. It could be five or ten years from now, but if I see a book for sale written by Julie Weathers, for example, I'm going to buy it without even looking to see what it's about. Because I love her voice and the way she tells stories. There are several more of you here who fit in this category of I'm-going-to-remember-your-name-forever.
Then there are those of you -- calling out Fearless Reider and Casual-T, for example, but also those using just a first name -- whose voices and creativity I very much enjoy, but whose someday-books I will never recognize as being theirs. You are squandering an opportunity to create eager future book buyers by not consistently and publicly using whatever name you might choose to publish under . . . er, under which you might choose to publish. Whatever.
This is not a small thing.
If you think we might not recognize you at first with a new name (very true), just sign your comments with newname/oldname for a week or so. We'll catch on. And we'll remember you in five or ten years, when it matters.
@KDJames... KD, you make a very valid point in regards to successful brand-building. Consistent usage of your brand’s name, obviously, being one of the first commandments. As a musician I have been using the name Casual-T for many trips around the sun. Same thing goes for my photography. I’ve also submitted some of my scribblings to a handful of magazines/competitions, using this moniker. And just a few days ago—inspired by Janet’s post about Digital Footprints—I started a blog her on Blogger, called Casual Teatime with Casual-T. (erm... feel free to subscribe – wink, wink, nudge, nudge)
This brings me to a question which I will direct toward Janet in an email, which she may or may not choose to address in a future blog post. This question is: Having used the name Casual-T for all my public, professional, and online activity (social media accounts), how feasible is it to expect that I will be able to use it for publishing purposes? (Meaning traditional publishing, since I can self-publish under whichever name I damn well please. S. King might be a prudent choice!).
And just as an aside, Even Mrs. Casual and our kids call me “T.”
@KDJames While I agree with your comment to a point, I have a slightly different situation in that, I've been NM online for oh...at least 15 years. You'd be hard pressed to find my real name anywhere other than historic things like high school stuff, etc. The reason I got so comfy with being NM is because of my stalker ex-husband who, after 10 days of marriage, told me he didn't really love me, he just wanted the big party. And it was a big party. My parents, who had very little, paid for 325 at the reception...But I digress. As soon as the divorce was over, he started stalking me. He showed up at my home, he showed up at my work. This went on for years. When I started dating a few years after the divorce, he showed up at my future husband's place of employment. When we got married, he bought a house down the street from ours and would watch me gardening. There's more, but I think you get it. So for me, I'm not an online presence in my true form because I'm trying not to draw his attention. I have a pen name that, should I ever managed to publish which, at the rate I'm going, will be never, is what my blog is under. I suppose I could post here under that, but I've become so comfy with NM, I might try to publish under that instead of the pen name. Who knows? And yes, I understand that, were I ever to publish, I would lose that anonymity which is a chance I'd be willing to take at that time. But right now, I have no prevailing reason to 'step out' of that anonymity.
You have a very valid point but for some of us, that's a hard thing to do. Just another side to it.
Casual-T, that's a great question to ask Janet. I hope she answers here on the blog, as that would be very interesting to know. And if it's possible to use that name as a pseudonym, you're all set, as it IS quite memorable.
NM, I hear you. I remember you mentioning your ex before and that's a very scary situation. Just to clarify, I didn't mean to say everyone should use their *real* name, just the name they plan to use for publication. KDJames is a pseudonym I adopted back when my children were minors and I didn't want them identified/associated. I was also working in a position of being In Charge of All the Money and a second career writing romance, or any genre really, would have been seen as a problem (by some). I also understand being comfortable with a non-name identity-- for many years I was online as BCB. Hell, most of the people I got to know back then still call me that, and I'm fine with it. I know how scary it can be to take that step from relative anonymity to claiming a pen name identity. Almost as bad as the first time I added "Writer" to my twitter profile. Go ahead and laugh, but that was a ridiculously difficult and terrifying step for me, sure that everyone would say, "Oh, please. What makes you think you're a writer?" (spoiler: no one did). However, forcing myself to take that step also made me take myself and my writing more seriously. Just something for you, and others, to consider.
KDJames Nope, it's good. I know you were just exampling. :) I have a few published friends who keep pushing me to query and one of the reasons I think I'm dragging my feet is because I'd have to put my 'real me' out there. That and I'm always second guessing myself. I can see the things in other's work that would make it better, but I'm just too close to my own, I think. They're so alive in my head, they argue with me when I try to 'correct' them. *sigh* I think maybe I was just supposed to write for me.
I absolutely am a writer though! As scary as that can be, I'm a writer.
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