Contest results!-FINAL

As usual there was entirely too much talent on display here. Picking a winner is no longer about picking the best entry cause there are TOO MANY GOOD ONES! Really youse guyz! Dangle a participle or two, will ya??

Also, thank you all for slaying my spell Czech. After this post, he stormed into my office, threw his red pen on my desk, and resigned effective immediately.

Herewith the results. Spelling not verified!

Just when I think I've got him confounded, Steve Forti stymies me again!

“Woo hoo! I found him. He's dynamic. I typically scout pitchers, but this catcher was a magician.”
“Yeah? What's his name?”
“Yogi Berra.”
“Yogi? That's funny. So can Yogi be a good fit?”
He smirked. “He can be r-”
“Rare talent level good?”
“For real - ie, worth the first pick. Don't hem and haw. Keep his name on top of your draft board.”
“Just tell me he doesn't joke he's smarter than the average bear.”
Another smirk. “I didn't make the obvious word play here, and trust me, he never will, either.”

This isn't quite a story, but it's outstanding in several ways:
1. It's about my subway
2. I had to look up three words (want to guess which ones?) and
3. It's about my subway.
Also: Canberra!

Alina Sergachov

Sudoriparous straphangers stink. But boisterous bucket
beaters are even worse. They call themselves “drummers”. Ambitious, huh. A
kwela it’s not.
Subterranean preachers. A special level of hell I endure daily.
Showtime.
La Cucaracha ya no puede caminar
porque no tiene, porque le falta
una pata de atrás.
Woo... Hootenanny about a cockroach that has lost one of its legs should be
illicit.
Ya murió la cucaracha
ya la llevan a ente—

Can be—

—rrar.

—defined as “atrocity” for sure.
In short, all was well on the Brooklyn bound L train till a man got on at Union
Square station.

Not quite a story, but outstanding

Dan Castro 

Imitating Homer Simpson, I yelled: "Woo hoo. I won Sam Hawke's 'City of Lies.'"
"Not good enough," Janet said.
"D'oh! Give me direction. What if I break the words up? Say Homer likes 'Hee Haw,' kestrels, amaretto--"
"Ludicrous."
"What about interruptions? Like, I want, I w-- Ooh! Oolong tea."
"Nope."
"What if I use Latin abbreviations?"
"You won't!"
"I will! I.e.--"
"No!"
"Et al., e.g., op. cit., ya know?"
"HUGE NO!"
"Acronyms?"
"Woo hoo?"
"World...Organization...Of... ...Holistic--"
"Better off with oolong tea."
"So you're giving me direction? Go for interrupted--"
"I'm not giving you anything. Especially 'City of Lies.'"

Here are the entries that were real standouts for me.

JustJan

Dear Sire or Madam:

I am applying for the position of tying instructor at your city office.
My qualifications are impeachable. I have eyes like a hawke.

I would very much lie to be part of your company and would appreciate
the chance to woo hoo in person.

Very Truly Yours,

Sam I. M. Keene

****

Dear Sam:

Thank you for your delightful application. Regretfully, this posting has
already been filled.

We are, however, searching for someone to coordinate our breakfast buffet.
Suffice it to say the job is yours if you want it.

Regards,

Canberra Typing Services

None of you mentioned the sheer brilliance of this entry so I'm going to inquire if you got the joke.
If you note the missing letters (you realized there were missing letters, right?)  they spell out PUNK. It took me three passes to get it, but I knew there was something hidden so I went searching.  My guess after looking yet again, is that I still didn't get the whole joke.

Still, this is funny and clever, and I loved it.

BrendaLynn

East India Trading Company,
4 Getta Way,
London, England.

Dear Sirs,
My felicity is forever destroyed.
Your Captain Hawkeye has besmirched the fairest and most pure-minded of
maidens: namely, my fiancé, Miss Hymenoptera A. Bandond, who in June sailed on
the Fancy Lass bound for Australia. She joined his cutthroat band the day she
boarded the ship and has since quit her missionary position entirely. What will
happen to the undeserving of Canberra now, I ask you?
Your guarantee of a safe passage is a lie.

Sincerely, a litigious American customer,

W.O. O’Hooligan III
Boston , Massachusetts

This just cracked me up. From "Miss Hymenoptera" to "quit her missionaary position" this was clever clever clever.
 

Madeline Mora-Summonte

Deer Momma

I shouldn't open the door when your working, but Mister Sam
said it was an emrgenz. The city is full of flew bugs!

We're going someplace safe, sekret. He'll keep a hawk eye on
me until you come. He's a nabor, not a stranger so it's okay. And I scarred of
bugs.

Missus Woo came, yelled NO GO! ALL LIES! Missus Woo hooked
her fingers into claws, scratched Mister Sam's face! They fighted until she
fell down asleep.

Mister Sam screamed HURRY! so I am.

Don't be scarred, Momma. See you soon!

Your sun Marty

This made me gasp out loud.  The story is icy, but what elevates this is that it's written in a vernacular of sorts, but you still understand every word. That's not as easy as it looks.

Timothy Lowe

They let him lie until the thaw. Kept the dowry themselves.

Moved on to Tucson. Wealthy city, no snow. An army of suitors to woo.
Hoofprints in the sand, harder to follow.

Same plan, different circumstances. But Molly was getting edgy.

“I’m sick of poison.”

“It’s the easiest.”

“Why can’t we just hit them with a shovel? More fun.”

“You’re impossible.” They needed the shovel. No use denting it.

“And why do I always have to be the sister? Always a bridesmaid.”

“Shut up.”

After Tucson, Canberra. Softer ground, little snow. Molly hated Australia, but
she was past complaining.

My new favorite sentence:  “Why can’t we just hit them with a shovel? More fun.”
And of course, that little twist at the end makes this delightful. 
 

Marie McKay

Samson Hawkens had been a ghost for a year. He'd tried to find his place in the city. He'd let out a 'wwwoohooo' to scare passers-by but he gained no pleasure from it. On buses, he'd lie across passengers' laps until their spines tingled. That only served to make them feel more alive, and he more dead. He'd rattle sticks on school fences. The kids would cry. Often he'd cry too.
Some days, he'd visit himself in the hospital, kiss his wife, touch his daughter's hand, not sure whether he was ready for them to pull the plug or not.

I had to read this twice to fully grasp the story.
Brilliant work. 

Let me know what you think!
Final results when I recover my wits.
(ok ok, we all know THAT's a lost cause!)


After another pass (or three) at the standout list, Madeline Mora-Summonte is the winner.

Congrats Madeline! Send me your mailing address and your prize will soon be winging its way to you.

Thanks to all of you who took the time to write and post entries. It was a great pleasure to read your work!