Contest results--FINAL (as of 3:17am)

I really love this phrase from Harmony Commissions

Large, husband shaped problems.

These two lines from Steve Stubbs are hilarious:

Nobody ever said he was the sharpest tool in the shed. He's the only Boy Scout who earned Girl Scout merit badges by mistake.

And this badge, I'm shocked, shocked! it's not in the Girl Scout manual yet!
Will McPhail

Only the strongest, the bravest of the brave obtain the Decapitator badge.

Honestly, Steve Forti just has to be in his own category now.

“This is nice, isn’t it? Breakfast mimosas overlooking the reef?”
“Totally. We should do this more often.”
A bang. The wooden door rattled on rusted hinges.
“The hell was that?”
Another bang. A grunt. A flash of yellow against the algae-covered porthole window.
“Open up!” a voice slurred.
Ariel set her cocktail aside and swam to the door. Pulling it open, the blonde on the other side spilled in, sloshing red drink in hand. Just then a shadow passed behind her, fear sank in, and the porthole exploded in a mess of teeth.
“Dammit Linda! You brought a bloody Mary!”

Please someone, write this book suggested by the estimable Amy Schaefer:

STALKING THE MARTINI SHARK

I like this one a lot!
Timothy Lowe

“Merit badges? For Girl Scouts?”

“Shut up,” Suzy said, her cheeks burning. She knew wearing the sash to school was a bad idea. Too show-offy. But Mom had insisted. Of course she had. Mom didn’t know about boys like Billy Marbles. Suzy’s best friend Sil had told her Billy had a crush. That’s why he picked on her so ruthlessly. Somehow that made the whole thing worse.

“What are those two for? Knitting? Sewing?”

The next day, Billy was absent. Flu or something.

“What are those two for?” Sil asked.

“Knot-tying,” Suzie said with a smile. “And that one’s knife-throwing.”

This just cracked me up; I think it's the shark boxing.

ShanePatrickWrites

I’m kinda famous in my Troop cuz I often double up while earning badges. The first time was when I was helping an ol’ lady tie up a purse-snatcher. Community Service and Knots in one fell swoop.

So it was only natural to me to combine Martini Drinking and Shark Boxing. What’s amazing isn’t how many sharks I subdued but rather that no one else thought of it first.

Honestly, reading this, I'm kinda glad I wasn't in Dena Pawling's Scout troop!

Through the peep hole, Doreen saw green beanies and badge sashes. Behind them, a wagon with boxes. Salivating, she threw a blanket over Jason's body and grabbed her wallet. Thin mints were just what she needed.

She opened the door. “I'd love some girl scout cook-” Her eyes shifted to the Smith & Wesson. “Um, ladies?”

“Where's Jason?” the taller one hissed.

Doreen glanced toward the blanket.

The shorter one scooted around Doreen and lifted the corner.

“Party time!” They pulled the wagon inside. Doreen found glasses. They shared a box of wine.

Be prepared. Make new friends.

And honestly not Richelle Elberg's either!

“Cyndi cracked the safe in her own Dad’s office. Like, she’s musta seen him open it a hundred times. Shouldn’t count.”

“It really shouldn’t,” Molly said. “And Olivia totally cheated.” Molly shoved another Thin Mint into her mouth and gulped her milk. “Seriously, two doesn’t even count as Serial.”

“Right?”

“I went to the market--by myself!--and found what I needed.” Molly gazed at her sash proudly. The new Kidnapping badge sparkled like a sapphire.

In the corner, a toddler howled.

“Guess I’ll do Disposing of Bodies next.”

“I’ve got some leftover lime if you need it.”

I'm pouncing on this idea from BrendaLynn NOW

Shark Minibar Fund
c/o Janet Reid.

As usual I'm having a terrible time choosing the winner.
Help me out here, let me know what you think! 

 Update: 3:17am Tuesday morning

Ok, this is a first. I did overlook a terrific entry, and y'all reminded me of it in the comments.

It's this from Just Jan

When we were young, we thought Granny was a pirate. Every school vacation was spent listening to her swashbuckling stories.

It wasn’t until we helped with her final move that we found the truth in a dusty corner of her attic. Maryanne picked up the moldering sash, heavy with achievements. “I didn’t know you were a Girl Scout.”

“Where do you think I learned to drink like a fish?”

“What about this one?” I asked, pointing to the shark badge.

Granny lifted a pant leg. “How do you think I got my limp?” 

And after a lot of thought, and another read, the winner is Just Jan! 

Jan, if you'll email me we'll figure out a good prize for you!

Thanks to all of you who took the time to write and post entries. I really love seeing what words can do when flung around by deft story spinners like all y'all.

Also you scare the pants off me a whole lot.