The only thing that I noticed is that there is no bio in this query. I'm confused why it doesn't need one, since I thought they all do.Indeed, "author bio" is one of the things listed in almost all submission guidelines.
I've never rejected a query because writer hasn't included one.
I've never rejected a query because the author spelled my name wrong, or got my name wrong. Or addressed it to someone else (in fact, I've signed and sold projects that were intended for someone else!)
The key here is that I'll overlook just about everything if the query is compelling.
So why include an author bio at all?
Cause a lot of you don't write compelling queries, and I HAVE read pages cause you told me
*you were published in a lit mag I respect
*are from Oregon
In other words, a good author bio can salvage a less than stellar query.
That's why you should include one.
Update: Lisa Bodenheim's comment mentions a good example of a fun bio in QueryShark #285
I currently attempt to shepherd five book-hungry children as a single mom. In my spare time (term used loosely), I commandeer various sea- and un-sea worthy vessels down the Snake River.
This is an excellent example because it's not just what the writer does, it's told in a fun and enticing way. She could have said "I"m a mom to five kids, who enjoys rafting" but instead she gave it some style and verve. That's exactly the right thing to do.