Monday, September 18, 2017

Vacation post day 5/7: The Duchess of Yowl meets Les Gendarmes


Me: Your grace, what is it? What's wrong? Is the apartment on fire?

DoY: how much cash do you have?

Me: What? Why? Are you out of cigarettes and liquor? The liquor store is on speed dial and I have a line of credit there.

DoY: I do not engage in your foul habits. And they only take cash at the bondsman's office.

Me: Bondsman? BONDSMAN? (looks around for signs of  Jon Jordan)


Voice: NYPD! Open the door!

Me: (opening door so nose and one eye is visible) Yes, what's wrong?

NYPD: We've received a report of a domestic disturbance. One (consults notebook) Grace Yow? dialed 911. Dispatch said it sounded like bloody murder here.

Me: Who the hell is Grace Yow?

NYPD: We need to come in.

Me: uh…are you sure you have the right apartment?

NYPD: Step aside lady.

Me: okedokey

NYPD: Do you live alone?

Me: mostly.

NYPD: Who else is here?

Me: Just the cat. oh wait. Grace Yow? Do you possibly mean "Her Grace, the Duchess of Yowl?"

NYPD: What the hell kind of name is that for a cat?

Me: You haven't met her.

DOY: It's about time you guys got here! There's a criminal conspiracy happening right under your noses!

NYPD: Jebus that cat is loud.

Me: She's telling you about a criminal conspiracy.

NYPD: How the hell did she dial 911?

Me and NYPD (together): tail dial!

NYPD: sorry to have bothered you

Me: no bother.

DoY: wait, you're LEAVING? I'm still being neglected here! No one has petted me for almost four hours!!

Me: Your grace, it's night. I'm asleep. You should be asleep too, not playing with my phone.

DoY: I love playing angry birds.


AJ Blythe said...

Now I know why you are holidaying...imagine the trouble DoY would cause if Thumbs wasn't there 24/7 (not to mention falling to sleep at your desk).

Only 7 days of DoY stories =( You don't want to extend your holiday do you?

Carolynnwith2Ns said... do I say this carefully without assuring myself a permanent Carkoon kale green-card? Oh wait I already have one.
Someone needs to go back to work.
Confinement breeds imaginary cat stories about which all lucidity seems to vanish.
Someone needs to buy a new paint tray and roller.
Someone needs to acquaint oneself with more thumbs and less paws.
Help is available at 1-800-Sherwin Williams.

E.M. Goldsmith said...

That is one high maintenance cat.

nightsmusic said...


It's a proven fact that if there is a button, a cat will have to push it.

There's also a meme going around about how, if the earth was flat, cats would have knocked everything off by now. :D

*not trying to offend any flat earth theorists here but...*

Claire Bobrow said...

Ah ha! Now we know the real reason it's called The City That Never Sleeps!!

Lennon Faris said...


The worst is when they push keyboard buttons on your computer and change settings, and you can't figure out how to get it back to normal. Hopefully they don't ever learn 911!

Kate Higgins said...

Domestic disturbance? Criminal conspiracy?
Sounds like a typical tail-dial. Wait until she starts makes long distance calls to China.

I wonder what the domestic disturbance and criminal conspiracy was about? My guess was:
• The door was chained shut on the refrigerator
• The 'ladder' was moved away from the bookcase
• DOY received several form rejections from 231.5 literary agents
• Another plastic bag sneaked into your apartment intent on mayhem

Clair; you spelled "city" wrong!

Kate Higgins said...

....It's "KITTY!"

Claire Bobrow said...

Kate :-)

Maybe the DoY is part of a conspiracy to re-name the whole place New York Kitty?

Anonymous said...

These stories need illustrations. Maybe you could uncap a few dozen choice pens for Her Grace to experiment with while you sleep. No, that won't work. We all know how you feel about your pens. I think 2NNs is on to something . . . give Her Grace a couple open cans of paint instead.

Unknown said...

Oh my. The DoY is certainly on a roll. New York's Finest got in on the shenanigans? I'm impressed!

What happened with the DoY was not a domestic disturbance. That was Her Grace exerting her right to complain about not being petted in four hours...that's a lifetime for a cat!

Janet, did you enjoy any additional white wine (was there any left from the last post?) after the cops left? ;)

Yes, people on the east coast, I'm up early this morning...

Unknown said...

And my above post should say "East Coast" not "east coast". That's what I get for posting so early in the a.m.