Me: Your grace, what is it? What's wrong? Is the apartment on fire?
DoY: how much cash do you have?
Me: What? Why? Are you out of cigarettes and liquor? The liquor store is on speed dial and I have a line of credit there.
DoY: I do not engage in your foul habits. And they only take cash at the bondsman's office.
Me: Bondsman? BONDSMAN? (looks around for signs of Jon Jordan)
LOUD KNOCK AT DOOR
Voice: NYPD! Open the door!
Me: (opening door so nose and one eye is visible) Yes, what's wrong?
NYPD: We've received a report of a domestic disturbance. One (consults notebook) Grace Yow? dialed 911. Dispatch said it sounded like bloody murder here.
Me: Who the hell is Grace Yow?
NYPD: We need to come in.
Me: uh…are you sure you have the right apartment?
NYPD: Step aside lady.
NYPD: Do you live alone?
NYPD: Who else is here?
Me: Just the cat. oh wait. Grace Yow? Do you possibly mean "Her Grace, the Duchess of Yowl?"
NYPD: What the hell kind of name is that for a cat?
Me: You haven't met her.
DOY: It's about time you guys got here! There's a criminal conspiracy happening right under your noses!
NYPD: Jebus that cat is loud.
Me: She's telling you about a criminal conspiracy.
NYPD: How the hell did she dial 911?
Me and NYPD (together): tail dial!
NYPD: sorry to have bothered you
Me: no bother.
DoY: wait, you're LEAVING? I'm still being neglected here! No one has petted me for almost four hours!!
Me: Your grace, it's night. I'm asleep. You should be asleep too, not playing with my phone.
DoY: I love playing angry birds.