Saturday, September 16, 2017

Vacation Day 3/7 post: The Duchess of Yowl Has a Plan


DOY: Thumbs! THUMBS!

Me: Yes, Your Grace?

DOY: Come here. Take a letter.

Me: You need to write a letter?

DOY: Yes, it turns out literary agents do not respond well to telephone calls. Several were quite short with me.

Me: You've been calling literary agents? WHY?

DOY: I want to get my work published of course. Make money!

Me: (deeply suspicious) what work?

DOY: Those Facebook posts you've been writing for me.

ME: I see.

DOY: Start typing. Dear Agent.

Me: you need to use their name.

DOY: Dear Bipedal Agent Mammal
Me: Dear Barbara Poelle

DOY: I should be world famous
ME: I have a collection of essays

DOY: I should be published by a fancy publisher who appreciates me.
Me: The word count is a little light right now, but I'm not quite done yet.

DOY: I will allow people to interview me to promote the book.
ME: So far, people seem to like me.

DOY: I have had several author photos taken already.
ME: (stunned silence)

Me: Here's a nice article on self-publishing. I'll help you turn the pages.

DOY: oh good, total artistic control. Even better.

Me: *swills emergency vodka*

23 comments:

Her Grace, Heidi, the Duchess of Kneale said...

I take it you haven't told Her Grace that total artistic control also means you're the one forking out the red?

(Says she who had to apply for a grant for her next indie project. May it be granted.)

CynthiaMc said...

Janet, thank you for the laughter this morning. I agree with the Duchess - she deserves to be recognized for the star she is.

Jennifer R. Donohue said...

Hey, things are tough when nobody understands the depths of your genius! At least The Duchess of Yowl has clear communication channales; Elka speaks very clear English, until she doesn't. Then she wants to know why I don't speak Dog.

Kitty said...

Bucky, from GET FUZZY, writes a book.

nightsmusic said...

DOY: Dear Bipedal Agent Mammal
Me: Dear Barbara Poelle


Bwahahahaha!!!

Sherry Howard said...

I can't wait to see some correspondence between Barbara Poelle and the Duchess. Thanks for my vacation laugh! I'm heading for some lovely waves to soothe my soul!

Kregger said...

The newest off-market TV series: Clueless in New York, starring Her Grace, DOY. A zany rom-com in the heart of Bucky Katt meets Garfield and destroyed by internet sensation, Grumpy Cat. All non-animal lovers are Clueless of the antics therein but loved by all.
Coming soon to a device of your choice. You go(,)yowl!

E.M. Goldsmith said...

Chuckling madly. Pug looks at me suspiciously. Then goes back to sleep.

These posts are hilarious. At least the Duchess did not attempt to query a fiction novel.

Melanie Sue Bowles said...

Does the DoY know she already has a fan club?

Hilarious! My only complaint is these snippets are too short. Thanks for the laughs. *swills emergency vodka* HA!

Amy Johnson said...

I'm loving these vacation posts! Thanks, Janet. I had to look up "swill." I never know what I'll learn here, but it's always something good.

Claire Bobrow said...

I see a product tie-in coming: artisanal tuna-flavored vodka. Meow!

Theresa said...

DoY certainly knows her market and she's already developed a fine platform. From yesterday's hijinks,I kept envisioning DoY performing that great feat known as the tuna roll.

Colin Smith said...

Question: Since when did Slithery Barbara Poelle grow legs? :)

Great stuff, Janet!

Beth Carpenter said...

LOL. Loving these slices of life.

Cheryl said...

That's really gonna eat into her tuna budget.

luciakaku said...

It's no real wonder. What use does the Duchess of Yowl have for a horse to pull her cart, when she has bipedal mammals with thumbs already on the job?

I hope that emergency vodka supply closet is well stocked!

Barbara Etlin said...

Yeah, DOY's right. All an author really needs is an ample supply of author photos and a thumbed servant/typist.

Craig F said...

It must have been stressful for a scotch drinker to swill vodka.

I kind of know that frame of mind.

Need a break from trying to make my world be normal again. Hurricanes are exhausting.

CynthiaMc said...

Craig - isn't that the truth? For us I think the storm was easier than the aftermath.

Craig F said...

Ah, Cynthia. For a normal storm I would say that. Irma wasn't normal.

Way back on Labor Day Kathy and I went kayaking. We came home, watched the news and found out that runs had already been made for almost everything. Tuesday there was no bottled water, batteries, plywood or gas to be found.

That made me feel like I was behind and trying to catch up. It sucked all of my energy before the storm even got close. Then there were the six times they said it was going to turn and didn't.

Then we got lucky. Dry air had snuck into the Gulf and weakened her. Just that made you want to curl up and sleep for a week but the aftermath was waiting.

CynthiaMc said...

We just got our power back - in time to watch Bama whup up on Colorado State. Almost a week without power. In house temp down to 82 now. Almost feels cold.

Colin Smith said...

Yay, Cynthia! And this month's power bill will be cheaper... ;) Good to see things returning to normalish.

Janice Grinyer said...

I'd buy it... :D