"Writing is not for wusses."--Lynne Main
Meet Couch Potato and Door Stop. Relaxed, or on alert, I am covered.
Blergh. And I'm on guard duty for this?
Pst, she’s on her way. Tell everyone!She’s not supposed to be here yet.OMG, she’s coming this way!ALL RIGHT EVERYONE, GIRD YOUR LOINS!
"I can't believe he's gone.""I can’t believe he’s not coming back."“Damn Friday the 13th.”“Damn full moons.”"I'll miss him.""Yeah. Me too."
“It’s kittens for you, babyface,” Big Tux meowtered under his breath as he shoved Stripesy. “Steal my fish treats? You’ll be sleeping with the fishes.”
Look gray, lookMommy is coming home with large bag of kitty food.Yippie!
The groom sat gazing anxiously down the aisle, as Reverend Felix Mauser slumped over the lectern, a faraway look in his eyes.Another bridal no-show...
Several witness points of view lead detective P. to redo the whole trajectory of a crime.
So. Was it as good for you—No.Oh. Okay.
“Seriously. Look away.”“Can’t. She’s like a rat in a trap.”“You’ll recover. I wasted four of my nine lives watching.”“What is it?”“Shapewear.”
Dissertation topic: Epistemology and ambiguous perspective: An analysis of the feline gaze in Internet memes
Tabby (singing): “Memory. Allll alone in the moonlight. Hmm-hmm-smile-hmm-hmm old days, I was beautiful then. I re-mem-ber the time I knew what happi-”Tux: “Shut-up.”
Sure, we get along. Mostly. But sometimes I wanna pop him upside the head. Look. Middle of winter and he’s not even wearing sox.
Two cats in a houseAwaiting a louseWho didn’t come back -No tuna for snack! Said louse went for scotch.Her manuscript?Botch.
Whose idea was it to get a second cat?
“Your prize is a lifetime supply of cheese.”She held out a single cracker topped with a smear of curd. I ate it.
"Don't do it… remember what happened last time--face full of wall.""This time’s different.”*Best seat in the house.*
Day: 11Location: Still stuck to the couchAm now convinced the tabby is fake. But for what purpose? Should know more tomorrow.
"One if by land, two if by . . .closet? Chubs, man your station! And for cow’s sake, put your boots on, man!"
Snow blocks the door, thwarting our compulsion to mark the car tires, the lone birch, and the bird feeder post.Alas, for the person's bathmat.
Ready. . .set. . .Wait! Hold it!Pouncing place is up here, no head starts. Hurry up. I hear footsteps!Dogs greet from the floor, you idiot.
Little kittens, little kittens,Where are you? Where are you?Mama cat is waiting, Mama cat is watchingGrandma too. Deja vu.
Tabby: I told you you shouldn't have sat on the lid to the catfood container. She still can't open it.Tuxedo: ...
Two cats spending hours watching cute human videos on MewTube.
-Quick! She’s coming. -Shit! I put those goldfish crackers in the tank, but they’re not really floating. Wait, how many fish were there before?
Soon, little one. Our set of Russian nesting cats will be complete, and then? We'll annihilate the dogs, wolfhound to Chihuahua .
"You go for the legs, I'll go for the Meow Mix!"
Which is slower? Grass growing? Paint drying? Water boiling? This author working?Patience, Mittens. If she doesn't feed us soon, I'll sit on her keyboard.
Death greeted him too soon, to move on, to reincarnate, to disappear.And we are left alone and empty, yearning for him to comfort us.
"Look, I really think the whole routine would work better if I got on your back.""Quiet, Tabs. We're doing it my way."
Only cats could sense the immediate danger, feel the instinctive terror in the approaching steps of a larger, more confident creature rushing to destroy them.
Do you know what time it is, young lady?
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"Mini-mi, the invite said black tie!"
"Tabby, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by cats with guns. Who's gonna do it? You?"
“James, it’s late.” “Tabitha, patience!” –sideways whisper, adjusting tie: “Take another –make my whiskers longer.” “JAMES! That human will still be here in the morning!”
"You trip her and I'll grab the tuna."
"Come on Hermoine.""No.""What's wrong. Did you take the potion?""Yes. It didn't work right. Woof.""She might stand out in Fleawritherin House."
You dip your paws in another cat's litter and you pay the price. It's the couch for you, Tux.
Mr. Spock and I have made contact with a primitive culture attempting to our curry favor with offers of food and physical contact, but the Prime Directive prohibits any such interference with a developing species.
Riveting movie.Dude with blue eyes, and woman with a southern accent are great.But, where's the cat?
“They’re waking up from their nap! This time I’ll be ready.”The fat cat sighed. “I’ve told you, you attack kids, you get kicked out.”
Dinner party? That is where our litter box has ALWAYS BEEN. We didn’t move it or agree that you could. Quit screaming already.
“We need a cleaner,” Eunice whispered.“Nah. They'll assume she fell.”Indeed, their plan was purrfect, save for one detail.“Um... Who’ll open the can?”
"We must be ready.""For the closet?""We must be vigilant!""I don't see anyth--""Christmas presents could still arrive! Cardboard boxes, Fishwhiskers. Wrapping paper!"
Waiting for coverage of the Trump inaugural to begin, Kit and Kaboodle found places that signified their respective positions on the President-elect.
Think I've got this camouflage thing sussed. Stay perfectly still and no one'll spot me ...
Staff is 'working'. Again. Time for the big guns. Stare and twitch. Stare and twitch. Curiosity always gets the staff.
Ever vigilant, they await the first sign of movement, leaving plenty of time to adopt Poses of Extreme Indifference to the human's return.
They're binge watching the blank wall...again. Is it her future they see? The apocalypse? A spidery crop-circle? The can opener breaks the enchantment, she sighs.
"Attention!""Why?""She's coming!"A gutteral sound outside the door. Something between a mew and a growl, an unholy moan."Oh, no! It's the Duchess!"
'That's right, Doris. There's been a turnaround. I talk; you meow. Cat got your tongue.'
And as the door of perception eased open, Tuxedo saw himself in an earlier, and somehow purer incarnation.
Okay, you got my tongue. Happy now? How much begging do I have to do to get it back?
Nothing was ever so exhausting as trying to pretend they did nothing all day. “Quick! She’s coming! Hide the tuna and pull up a pillow.”
"You've been sitting there for hours.""The red dot disappeared through here. I’m lying in wait.”"That's no way to stalk. It'll spot you immediately."
Zombie apocalypse has begun. Felix, sentinel at the door, while Oscar monitors the window. Laverne and Shirley cover the back. “Ready? Claws out, charge!”
Rookies. They always stick me with the rookies. Ten years of valiant service, and what reward do you get? Stuck training the rookies.
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