Week in Review March 6, 2016

Welcome to the week that was.

In last week's review, Steve Stubbs took his life in his hands with this (particularly the last two lines!)

A comment on your statement that you reject fabulous manuscripts every day: I wonder if your kindheartedness is showing here, I read somewhere a comment by a former editor from Simon and Schuster.

When they were using in-house first readers to sort through the slush pile, he said they would typically find one publishable manuscript in every 5,000 unsolicited MS that came in over the transom. First readers were used mostly to sort out letters that contained threats and throw the rest of them away. The letters that contained threats were turned over to the police.

If you want to become a bestselling author, just send a threat letter to Simon and Schuster is what I always say. Works every time. A threat will make up for bad writing any day.

If you get 54 queries per week and there are 52 weeks in a year, according to my abstruse mathematical calculations, that comes to a mere 2,808 queries a year. At the end of a year you would still have 2,192 queries to go to find one salable MS. If you are rejecting masterpieces every day, you are on to something. I think I know what it is. You’re a kind person. Not a shark at all.

Here's where your logic trips you up:  Simon and Schuster gets not only MORE queries than I do, they get the ones from people who don't know that S&S doesn't take on unagented material. And my guess is that this comment is an editor recalling something from 20 years ago.  As far as I know, slush is simply discarded at all the major houses now.

That means I'm getting better slush than S&S is.

For every 5000 queries, they may only find one, whereas last year with 2192 queries, I took on two, and there were several I passed on that other agents took. And this doesn't count the mss that get placed elsewhere that I don't know about.

So while it may be hyperbole to say every day of the year, it's certainly NOT hyperbole that I pass on things that get published and win awards.  I'm not giving you the list but I've got one. Oh yes indeed I do.

And we don't call the police for threats either. I'm surprised S&S ever did. Unhappy writers threatening to dangle your modifier out the window are hazards of the trade.

As for this kind person thing, here, let me dust your rose-colored spectacles my friend.

Timothy Lowe said:

Love the Dirk Diggler shot. Although I still can't quite wrap my head around how I prevent people from getting a bunch of porn stars when they google my name. Very disturbing. Does this mean I change my name when it's time to publish?

Oh, I suppose I should mention too that I'm not a porn star.

Interestingly one of my clients had this problem. She told me that when she googled her name, up came a porn star. Since she's a very respectable Texas lady this was a problem. She began using her middle name, becoming Stephanie Jaye Evans, to solve the problem.

Cause really, when your main character is a Church of Christ minister, the author can't be a porn star.

 And Craig is probably going straight to Hell for this one:

The treasure cave needs more than one idea. So, Colin, when you are bored, or one your tech savvy kids is bored, do a spread sheet of sub headers by Reiders.

The sub-headers don't last. There's no way to go back and find the subheader for three months ago. Once they're changed, the old one is gone. This would be setting Colin to chasing his tail.

Oh wait….Hey Colin??

luciakaku disagreed with my assessment of why her story wasn't a story:

Ma'am, I respectfully disagree about your reasoning why my story wasn't a story. Your example strongly suggested that a story has to have a happy or uplifting ending to be a story. Her "growth" went backwards. She went from having faith in herself to having none. A valid character arc is often going from having no faith in yourself to having some, so I don't see why the reverse is not a story. It's a flash tragedy.

Here's what I'd said:

But it's not a story because it's a series of events. To be a story, it needs some sort of what I call a twist: something unexpected that sheds new light or interpretation on what we've read. "my boss hands me a tray" and says "get to work princess" and I discover I'm strong enough (bringing in the last line) to wrap my tank top around his neck and rein him in. (which is godawful writing, sorry, but you see the point I'm making.)

A story does not have to have a happy or uplifting ending at all. (We've seen some flash fiction winners that substantiate that) And I did understand what you call "backward growth" and I would call "slide to despair".

What's missing here is the something that takes this from just a list of things that happened, to a story about how she changed the trajectory of events.  In other words, a twist of some sort. It's that twist that is the crucial element to making something a story. Life is a series of events. The unexpected is what makes life a good story.

And I do like your phrase "flash tragedy" a LOT.

Lennon Farris did see a twist in the story:

Not to quibble with any said teeth, but... when I read luciakaku's entry, in my negligible experience, I would have said it had a twist because the word 'princess' was used at the beginning to convey a world of possibilities and support. And then at the end, it's used as a derogatory, sexist term. It's like even after all those other derogatory things happened to the m.c., she still held onto her hope. Then when her boss used that same word, it's like she had a paradigm shift about what she thought her parents had given her, and what her own potential was. That was my own take on it!

Which just goes to prove that this is a subjective endeavor and (banging the drum yet again) why you query widely! What doesn't twist to me, can be someone else's idea of a perfect twirl!

I loved Laura Mary's cat whisperer comment and when she asked

Is this the universe telling me I am destined to be a crazy cat lady?

I can only say: there are many many worse things to be.

On Monday, the first post was to let everyone know I hadn't finished reading the contest entries, so Gossamer would be standing in for me for the morning shift.

(I adore Goss!)

You all had some great cat stories to while away the hours until the results got posted.

Dena Pawling demonstrated she is a TRUE writer cause she put the worst possible spin on what was intended as an accolade:

I got a "special recognition for extraordinary exploration of form and style" which my writer brain translates as a euphemism for "WTF was that????!" But it was fun to write.

Special recognition for exploration of form and style means I think you did something really interesting and I LIKED IT.  Sheesh. Youse guyz!

On Tuesday we talked about essay collections, memoir, and why they are sometimes (often) not taken on for trade publication

I mentioned I'd shopped two terrific memoirs last year without any nibbles.

Lisa Bodenheim asked

Janet, are you able to share, in vague-protect-privacy language, what it was about the memoirs that you thought had real potential but received no nibbles?

Frankly, I'm convinced the editors took leave of their senses. Nothing else really explains it. Those memoirs were GREAT.

DLM made a very good point:

I feel awful for "saying this out loud" so to speak, but when I hear about a series of unrelated personal essays, I think that's a blog.

There is SO much of this sort of thing out on the internet for free, there has to be a seriously compelling reason to invest in the cost to produce it on paper (and/or e-book form), and for anyone to spend money on it.

Yes! The amount of work available for free now just boggles the mind, particularly essays/blog posts on people's lives. I'm trying to think of ANY blogs like that I read regularly (I can't.)  I remember reading personal essay columns in the newspaper (before the internet) but those are now mostly gone (unless you count the op-ed page of the NYT which I don't.)

On Wednesday the topic was writing conferences

Colin mentioned Bouchercon, which is not a writing conference, but a fan convention but still has a lot of value for writerly types. He referenced this story about me,

Heck, anyone who can walk into a restaurant and promote one of the table bussers to being her waitress for the night has a certain amount of chutzpah. And Janet has chutzpah in spades (if you hadn't cottoned on to that already). :) So, trust me--you'll know her when you see her. :)

I'd forgotten all about this till Colin mentioned it again. We (and I mean there were four or five of us I think) had a terrific young lady bring us drinks and food one night and when we returned the next day (or later that same day, I'm not sure) we asked for her again, only to be told she was a busser, not a server. Well! I liked that girl, she was TERRIFIC. So I kind of made a point in what we here in New York might call an everyday playful tone. Which I think in North Carolina they call Pushy Yankee Harlot voice. Anyway, we got her, at least for a while. Turns out they do need the bussers to buss, so when things got busy we had to have a "real" server. The manager of the restaurant actually came over to explain why. (I was mortified to my shoes that I'd inconvenienced the restaurant staffing plans quite unknowingly)

Brian Schwarz mentioned BEA, also not a writing conference

I went to BEA one year and basically floundered around like a shark out of water for 6 hours. Lesson learned? BEA is not a writing conference. BEA is not for writers at all. Everyone is busy at BEA and asking anyone anything is sort of like trying to buy a BMW from a barista at Starbucks.

Granted, I was invited to BEA and I didn't spend any money, so basically I just blew a weekend of my time. But to say I was ill equipped is the understatement of the year.

BEA is morphing into more of a book festival reader event than it used to be. The number of publishers willing to cough up big money to exhibit at a trade show is decreasing, so Reed Exhibitions is looking for ways to fill the coffers. They can read tea leaves like everyone else so they're reaching out to readers and self-published authors.  

That of course makes BEA less valuable to someone like me, and I've got an eye out for what the attendance will be like this year. BEA is in Chicago; we're not going. BEA is exactly valuable enough to pay for a three day pass, but NOT valuable enough to buy airfare and three days lodging. This is the first BEA I've missed in decades. It feels VERY weird.

Timothy Lowe got my hopes up with this:

I hear they're developing a new technology: a shot of bourbon you can send through e-mail. I wonder how that will impact the querying process?

 I don't know but I hope they need beta testers.

On Thursday we talked about the first 3-5 pages included with the query, and the problem with main characters appearing later, and footnoting anything in a query.

Lisa Bodenheim said

She didn't have footnotes and I don't know French (sorry, this Midwesterner learned Spanish and a bit of German and Amslan) but I was able to intuit.

 I had no idea what Amslan was (is it spoken in Andorra? Andalusia? American Slang?) Turns out it's American Sign Language!

2Ns brought up prologues (well, someone had to)

Prologue is such a dirty word to some agents. I am wondering if I should simply send the first five pages of chapter one, and if do, do I mention there’s a prologue, or at the risk of alienating a potential agent who abhors prologues, do I send the prologue and mention it’s a prologue or not mention that the book actually has one at all?

The reason I hate prologues is so very VERY often they aren't really relevant to the story. I can think of exceptions of course: the first chapter of Indigo Slam by Robert Crais is a prologue. In Sunset Express (also Robert Crais) the prologue is called just that. With those examples however, it's very clear that they ARE relevant to the story; you just don't know how yet. And Mystic River by Dennis Lehane (quick, do you know what episode of The Wire had a cameo with Dennis Lehane?) is a sterling example of "the story before the story" that is compelling in its own right as well as necessary to understand the rest of the novel.

The prologues I hate are the ones set in Peru in 1600 when the novel is about a contemporary archaeologist; or London in 200 when the novel is about a detective in Scotland. 


Or WORSE when the prologue is full of action, and then chapter one is "six months ago" and the main character is sleeping in the rain, dreaming about driving home and getting a phone call from his irate boss.

In other words, BAD STRUCTURE or BAD WRITING.

Prologues are all too often a crutch for what simply needs to be taken out and revised.

Prologues that function as backstory are often better excised, and backstory woven into the narrative as the main character learns it. 

On Friday we had another writing contest, this time inspired by Dena Pawling's DLM's purloined shark tooth story. (sorry Dena and DLM. Clearly I need to verify my sources rather than try to remember---argh)

For those of you who suggested phrases, the prompts can only be single words.

For those of you who suggested words, the best prompt words are short and have more than one definition. Thus you did NOT see "purloin" as one of the prompts, although I did think about it. Frankly, I was a bit afraid of what y'all would do with that. "I spur loins" was just too likely a phrase.

I hope to have results up on Monday. We'll see how it goes.

Subheader noms:

Everyone dies some day. I'd prefer to do so with a cat on my face. --Brian Schwarz

I need to have WORDS with my muse.--Celia Reaves

"My pet Shih Tzu was a stunt double for Donald Trump's hair."--Colin Smith

"Please try to keep your demons on a leash, but under no circumstances should you ever tame them. Tamed demons simply do not sell." E.M. Goldsmith

"Oh, that [sentence] just dances on your tongue like a swizzle stick." John Frain

"thank you for this community. Today is a day I am so grateful I had you guys to turn to." --CarolynnWith2Ns.

It’s so cool that everyone here seems like they’re friends.--Brian Biggs

"Firefly season 2- ah, don't tease me. It's cruel. Nathan Fillion must come over and comfort me."--E.M. Goldsmith