Thursday, September 13, 2012

the department of tell it first to control the spin!

There I am in a glamorous apartment having lunch with Famous actor and Famous writer. I'm kinda beside myself cause I love and admire them, and their work.  That means I'm trying to behave myself.

Not burping after a discreet drag from the flask.
Not using the boarding house reach for the mozzarella cheese.
Not using my knife like a conductor's baton during conversation.

Yanno, the stuff you're supposed to do without having to think about it.

Lunch happens and we're all regaling each other with tales of triumph and the woes of our enemies (cause those are the best kind of course.)  Coffee is served.

I am talking animatedly.  I'm in peak form.

I pour cream in my coffee and just a dash/pinch of sugar. Then figure what the hell, and put in a big teaspoon. One might even say heaping.

I take a big ol' gulp.

And realize I've dipped my spoon into the bowl of salt, not sugar.

What to do?
Spew on Famous One or Famous Two?
That doesn't seem like the right idea.

Spew on Brooks Sherman, my boon companion in crime sitting next to me?
Better choice, but really not all that good either.

So, I swallow. Oh yes, indeed, nothing like a good swig of salty coffee.

I pray no one notices.

Only then, I hear a small noise from my left.
Well mannered, well appointed, gentleman Brooks Sherman, following my lead
has ALSO put salt in his coffee.

He looks at me.
I look at him.

He swallows.

In the cab ride home, he fixes me with a stare that soon will be feared by editors across the land.

"I'd like to discuss my raise."


Ali Trotta said...

I can't even tell you how wonderful this is. You had me laughing out loud. That's something I'd do. hehe

Thank you for sharing this -- it totally made my morning!!

Joyce Tremel said...

Oh, how I would have loved to have seen this! Too funny.

JeffO said...

I am fortunate that my second cup of coffee was still brewing in the kitchen when I read this. It would have been all over the monitor.

Of course, the BIG question is, did you finish your coffee?

Melissa said...

Methinks there's a dastardly plot afoot. Had anyone at that meeting ever been chum? Why else would there be a big bowl of salt and not sugar sitting with the coffee?

Shellie said...

So that's how you ask for a raise. Jeesh, I've been doing it wrong all these years! :D

Brenda Buchanan said...

Thanks for this hilarious story. A great day-starter.


Janet Reid said...

Melissa, there was sugar on the table. I just wasn't paying attention, I was so busy being all witty and vivid and stuff.

angie Brooksby-Arcangioli said...


Scribble Orca said...

Between briny coffee and subway snorts, what next?

This just keeps getting better. Where's the popcorn?

Maryann said...

Thank you for brightening my achy Thursday...I had just swallowed my tea (with Splenda added...I do love those packets) when the salt hit the coffee. I scared the cat with my sudden outburst of chuckles. I assume the rest of the meeting went well?

BP said...

Hahaha best story ever. I can't even...I would've vomited...then I would've been like WATERR! WATERRR!! I'M ALLERGIC TO THIS KIND OF COFFEE!! lolol thanks for sharing...don't we all get into those awkwardly socially demanding pinches every now and then, esp. when it comes to food? UGH

NotaWarriorPrincess said...

Tell Brooks to watch the mail. He gets a prize for this, whether you give him that well-deserved raise or not.

Laura Hughes, MittensMorgul said...

Great. Now MY coffee tastes salty. Stupid mental suggestibility.

The Writer Librarian said...

My uncle did the same thing with a bowl of cereal--coffee sounds grosser, though.

cncbooks said...

That is the best laugh I've had in days and I'm still chortling. Also thought I was the only one who talks with my utensils ;-)

Patty Blount said...

Brooks wins! Come on, Janet, you have to give him props for that. It's the world's BEST blooper-cover.

Those guys were probably thinking, "This is how they do thinks in NYC."

Sean Ferrell said...

I love you both so much.

GillyB said...

Reminds me of the time I gulped down a glass of water at my parent's fancy dinner party... only to discover it was VODKA. Needless to say, I did not play it off as coolly as you did. Mad props.

Oh, and I was twelve at the time. Awkward.

J.A. Kazimer said...

A raise is definitely due. Because it'[s hard to find loyalty like that.

Les Edgerton said...

This was hilarious, Janet! Thanks for sharing.

Kristin Laughtin said...

Is salty coffee the secret to getting raises? Does it work anywhere else?

Seriously, that's an amazing story, better than any of the typical "I froze up or I said something really dumb when meeting someone whose work I admire" tales.

Debra Lynn Shelton said...

One more reason I don't drink coffee. ;-)

Mary S. Erickson said...

I laughed out loud after reading this post, but choked on my beer when I continued reading your previous post about your response to the Lightning Fill in the Blank answer. Thank you for sharing both. I'm still smiling! I usually check daily for posts, but this one- two punch was well worth the wait.

Sara said...

HA HA HA awesome! I actually did the same thing to iced tea once. Fortunately, I wasn't with anyone famous--just the fam--but I still swallowed. The risk of consequence for spitting it out is simply too great.

Tara Tyler said...

who puts salt in a bowl??


well done!

Terri Lynn Coop said...

Mine is only 1/10th as funny. I was meeting with business colleagues and customers. I was new to the area, so I let my co-worker pick the restaurant. He chose an Indian place.

I ordered ice tea.

Now, I consider ice tea to be the perfect beverage: cold, tart, a trifle acidic, and a caffeine delivery system. Notice "sugar" has no part in that equation.

I have nearly died of thirst in Tennessee trying to find unsweetened ice tea.

So, we are chatting along and I take a big swig of the tea-colored beverage sitting before me and find it has been sweetened, honeyed, spiced, and minted. Honestly, I think I would have preferred salt.

As I sat there with that vile concoction in my mouth I gave my cohort what will now be known as the "Brooks-Sherman-glare-of-death-and-destruction" before swallowing and excusing myself to the ladies room for a mouth-washing.

I did land the contract, but over ice water.


Sheila JG said...

That's hilarious!

I wonder if the Famous were secretly wondering why Janet Reid put salt in her coffee. "Maybe it's the new thing," I imagine they said after you left. Right now they're probably in meetings with other Famous People, putting salt in their coffee and pretending to like it. "It's what all the important literary agents are drinking, you know."

Salted coffee, the next big thing.

Joey Francisco said...

So...did he get that raise?

Thanks for the chuckle today. Truly appreciated it.

Incidentally, my writer blog is called, "Soul & Sweet Tea" and I am also guilty of a similar crime, but I only got one tiny mouthfull in before spitting it out.

Sadly, you didnt have that option, but as I see it, it makes you one kick-ass agent.