Two Janes are better than one, and zombies can't get enough Brains.
Brains:Robin Becker's Brains is the heartwarming story of one zombie's quest for understanding, equality, and yes, a life.
Jane #1:Molly Harper's Jane Jameson is the heroine of the Nice Girls series: Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs, Nice Girls Don't Live Forever, and Nice Girls Don't Date Dead Men.
Jane #2:
Sherri Browning Erwin's Jane Slayre is Charlotte Bronte's Jane Eyre recast as a demon slaying governess.
The contest: in 115 words or less, tell a story starting with:
"A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar..."
(the fifteen words are the starting sentence; you write the next 100)
Your reward: Brains and Janes, of course!
A copy of BRAINS by Robin Becker;
of NICE GIRLS DON'T HAVE FANGS by Molly Harper;
and, of JANE SLAYRE by Sherri Browning Erwin and Charlotte Bronte.
Contest opens now and runs till midnight Sunday (40 hours or so from now)
Write your entry in the comments column of this blog. (Comments are moderated; they don't appear immediately)
One entry per person, please.
Slay us with laughter!
74 comments:
"You would not believe the week I've had, chasing those little imps around. I am so ready for a Bloody Mary."
Jane's red eyes gleamed with undead light. "I'm with you there, sistah. I could use two or three Bloody Marys. Bloody Anybodys, actually. After answering nutty questions all night in the reference department, my brain is fried!"
Jack dabbed the drool from the his mouth. He itched to snatch a fork and have his way with her. But he was a civilized zombie, after all.
"I prefer fried brains with some nice fava beans and a fine chianti."
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar to commiserate after a long work week.
The vampire librarian grumbles,
“ Thirteen teenage girls asked me if I sparkle. I whispered very loudly that if I am asked that again, I will gladly beat them to death with a thesaurus!”
The zombie nods in agreement and offers, “ You think that’s bad? My boss fired me for losing two arms in one week on the job, something about conserving inventory and replacement costs. Damn economy.”
The governess smiled smugly, “I found out my lover’s ex wife is a crazy werewolf …AND the kids got the stomach flu.”
She won.
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar...
It went as well as you’d imagine. What you need to know, dear reader, is this: the governess tried to kill the vampire and the zombie tried to eat both of them. None of that was successful, and they made a mess out of the bar.
Of course, this made the bartender, Sharky, angry. She didn’t care about the wrecked tables, the overturned chairs, or the fact that half the patrons of the bar were eaten or mildly maimed. No, a trampled batch of cupcakes was the last straw.
The three troublemakers were, undoubtedly, shark food.
Petula, a monster-slaying governess, Kevin, a vampire librarian, and Dr. Sanguine, a professorial zombie walk into a Georgetown bar. It’s after dark on a Wednesday, and the empty M Street bar is, well, like a tomb—with glass and chrome.
Eyeballing a table in the corner, Petula adjusts her micro-mini leather skirt, licking her pouty, sensuous lips.
Dr. Sanguine staggers backward, collapsing onto the cobblestone sidewalk.
No one notices.
Kevin sucks in a breath, making the sign of the cross. His eyebrows knit in a hateful yet terrified expression. Petula stares at him. “What?”
“Isn’t this where the Financial Reform Sub-committee usually meets for brunch?”
“Yes.”
He lowers his voice to a mere whisper. “Blood-suckers.”
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar...
Finding the shadowy table near the back of the bar, they ordered a round of drink's.
“Murh...” the professor said
“Stop worrying, Randy, I'm sure he'll be here.” Michelle, the governess said
“Murh!!” Randy said, a wolfman walking over to them.
“Sorry I'm late guys, I had this thing... anyhow, so is everyone finished? Did you like the story?” he said
Settling down around the table, the all pulled their copies of THE POWER OF ONE and began to discuss the book.
“I found the story empowering...” the vampire librarian said
“Morh...” Randy said, nodding
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar. "We're here to pick up Poelle," the governess said to the bartender. "Someone called."
"Yeah that was me," replied the bartender. "She made out with some dinosaur and then went and passed out in the ladies' room."
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into my bar to the tune of Manilow’s Copacabana. I can see right off that the governess has a bad girl sparkle about her and she wants to dance. She keeps a hopeful eye trained on the professional, although the pasty librarian is the one with his eyes on the governess’ tight-buttoned bodice. The three of them take a table beside the bar and order a virgin round, the governess tittering in the zombie’s ear. The vamp sits straight-backed on his chair. Eternity is going tough on this guy.
“A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar…”
“Say that three times fast.”
“I was telling a joke.”
“Oh. Go on then.”
“A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie…”
“You sure this isn’t a tongue twister. Sounds like one.”
“Are you listening or interrupting.”
“Listening, dear.”
“Good. A monster-slaying governess...”
“Aren’t they called nannies?”
“What?”
“No one says Governess, unless we’re talking Mary Poppins.”
“It’s not Poppins. A monster-slaying nanny, a vampire librarian…”
“Libraries don’t have night hours. They’re barely open during the day.”
“I don’t care! A monster-slaying nanny, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie…”
“A brainless professor?”
“Yes. Damn it. Oh, never mind.”
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar one after the other with enough of a gap that the preceding person has time for one drink. By the time the zombie arrives, the governess has thus had two drinks, but twice the time to digest, whereas the librarian has only had one drink, and half the time to cope with the effects of alcohol. If the zombie walks in at 10:15, and assuming the governess has a penchant for beer and the vampire a taste for shots, how long will it take for the governess to kill the librarian *and* the undead, and enjoy her next draft?
~Victoria
"A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar..."
“Stop right there” the librarian said. “I wouldn’t be seen dead with a zombie—no offence, Fred—and you know I don’t drink in bars.”
“You’re with a zombie now” the governess said, picking morosely at a tiny spot of blood on her gray alpaca skirts.
“This is business.” The librarian inched her chair away from Fred’s miasma.
The zombie hadn’t missed the gesture. “Get on with agenda,” he said. “We destroy agent who mock our kind. Ms. Reid die now.”
“Actually” said the governess, “that’s sorted.” She slid her knife from its sheath. “That’s not why I called you here.”
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar. A monster, a vampire hunter, and a weird guy spouting apocalyptic nonsense are seated at their usual table.
“That won’t do,” huffs the governess.
“Certainly not,” agrees the zombie.
“Why is it so noisy?” whines the librarian.
They call forth their stern faces and approach the table.
“Pardon us. This is our table.”
The monster’s seven eyes explode into thirty. The hunter lazes in a drunken stupor. The weird guy stares at the zombie.
“Will you slay us?” asks the monster.
“Have you eaten someone?”
“No.”
“Then I will spare you. We’ll play for the table.”
“What’s your game?”
“Scrabble.”
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar, which is funny because zombies normally have great eyesight. Vampires and governesses, less so.
You might think the governess and vampire would have used that moment to do, well, what they do. She was a monster-slayer after all, and not a tea-sipper or a peasant-beater, like so many of her counterparts. And vampires aren’t known for being finicky.
They didn’t. The governess’ common sense was as lacking as her eyesight, and the vampire, well, he just kind of sucked, as vampires go.
In the end, the zombie at them both. He’d later decide that governess brains are way too salty.
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar...
And say to the barkeep, "Some libations, sir, for we have come very far."
"We come from a town, Podzeker, for the purpose of finding a child and freeing her."
"A child prodigy carrying books went missing one cold and dark day, is there anything you might have to say?”
The barkeep, named Krun, pulled out his silver gun,
and slayed all three with one shot.
Then, behind the curtain he checked on a little one, laughing and eating red velvet cupcakes on a polka dot cot.
"Thank you," she said in a grateful way.
"My hero, you saved the day."
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar.
The bloodsucking four-eyes readjusts her miniskirt and approaches the counter as the bartender fixes his gaze upon her two-sizes-too-small tube top that suggestively reads “I SUCK”. Out of earshot, the irritable governess nudges the zombie, “of course she'd want to come out for last call.”
The zombie nods in agreement, “I like juicy sacks of flesh as much as the next bloke, but even I think she's ugly.”
“She's just like false teeth,” the governess asserts.
Perplexed, the zombie asks, “how so?”
With a smirk, the governess quips, “they only come out at night”.
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar, “A warm human circa 1990, and some brains on a half shell!” shouted Morana at the bartender, “I prefer young blood.”
“I hate when you order for me, you suck,” mumbled the zombie.
Morana forced the slayer to sit at a nearby table. The vampire laughed and the zombie chuckled dustily through the existing half of his nose as the slayer struggled.
A monkey showed up with a human man and a tray of fresh brains on oyster shells.
Extra cerebrospinal fluid,” said the zombie, “I like to dip.
The slayer vomited on the brains.
“Fresh! Even better!” grinned the zombie.
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professional zombie walk into a bar. The mummy mommy ducks.
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar. The governess, dressed to kill in her ruffled black dress and baby blue bonnet, ordered, "Mix me a shot of Vodka, Amaretto, Triple Sec, and Everclear Cola, and make it snappy."
The vampire librarian perched on the seat beside and rolled up some old pages from an ancient Bible to make a cigarette. "Well, hello there," he said, wiggling his pale eyebrows suggestively, as the bartender slid the governess her drink.
The professional zombie slapped the librarian. "Eat my bookworms!" he snarled, turning to the governess. He draped an arm on her shoulders. "She's mine." He leered at her, his empty eye sockets crawling with maggots.
Sighing, the governess tipped her head back and swallowed the drink, eyes squeezed shut. When she opened her eyes, the zombie and vampire were gone. She mumbled, "Another night of monster slaying complete."
"A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar at high noon in Tombstone."
“Idn’t that a daisy?” said the Bar Keep.
“Naw, this here’s your sister’s brains,” said the Zombie
“For a man that don’t go healed, you run your mouth kinda reckless,” said the Librarian.
“My sisters brains!” The Bar Keep pulled a rifle from under the bar.
“See what I mean,” said the Librarian.
“Oh put that away,” said the governess sitting down on a bar stool. “After slaying all them monsters, I need a drink. Whisky sour and make it a double.”
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar. Split personality disorder is a bitch. Slamming the Shirley Temple with tequila and eying her date she wondered why she’d shaved her legs. Hoping the night wasn’t lost,she smashed the glass over loser’s bald pate and hopped on top of the bar.
“Party Time!” She danced, someone lit the bar on fire, and a the volume went up. Girls joined in, a fight broke out.Heart pumping she spied prey. A leap and banshee screech made it all better as she pinned the band drummer to the wall.
“My legs are shaved”
“Uh...”
“I suck blood.”
“OK”
Guys were easy.
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar.
“I hate my life. Well, my death, I guess.”
“Shh! God, you’re always talking.”
“God? Do vampires believe in God?”
“It’s just an expression. You’re so annoying.”
“Interesting. Anyway, it’s a bar, not a library. Everyone talks too much in a bar. Deal with it.”
Governess sits between them, smiling.
“Now, who are you again?” Zombie asks her.
She orders a mineral water; impairment is not helpful when ambushing monsters.
“I’m your new textbook rep, remember?”
“Wait,” Vampire says, “are you selling books? I thought you were donating.”
Governess discreetly pulls the stake from her purse. This will be fun.
“A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar…”
“I’m sick of your jokes, Velma?”
“Dudettes, what’s up?”
“Hey Shag, where’s Scooby?” asked Daphne.
“He got a little wasted last night at Brains.”
“I can’t believe you didn’t take me.”
“Sorry Daphne, Freddie said you wouldn’t like it.”
“Just because I’m a nice girl doesn’t mean I can’t have fun.”
“We can still have some fun. I just got some Primo Col…”
“That’s mine,” snapped Velma.
“Dude…ette your girlfriend never paid. Come on Daphne. Let’s imbibe some herb and eat cupcakes.”
“You’ll never get away with this, I’m calling the shark.”
“Don’t bother, she’s in the Mystery Machine with Fred.”
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar.
"I'll wait outside," the realtor says, clutching her clipboard.
The zombie wipes a spider web off his leather elbow patches. "Barnwood again?"
"Probably inevitable in our price range." The governess sidles behind the bar.
The vampire peers over the edge. "See any Bloody Mary mix?"
"Those cable spool tables have to go, but with some paint and plants? I'm in," the zombie says.
"Me, too." The governess tugs at her skirt. "Darn it, I'm caught. Give me a hand, please."
"Here," says the zombie, twisting one off and setting it on the bar. "This time, don't forget you have it."
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar that caters to publishing professionals. The bar is dark and the governess trips over a shape shifter editor. She lurches forward and grabs the bun on the back of the librarian's head so hard the librarian's half-glasses fly off her face and land in a young literary agent’s martini.
The poor literary agent blinks and drops her kindle on her lap.
The librarian presses her palm to her throat and sends the governess a complicitous glare. Then she turns to the Zombie and smiles. "If she doesn't wipe them off when she gives them back, you know exactly what to do."
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar. The usual patrons recognize the group and slink away, giving them the second-best table in the house.
Dr. Johnston, only recently undead, orders scotch from the leery bartender. Maggie Jayne, declines to order, preferring to imbibe directly from the source. A relatively clean man at the best table in the house is knocking back the house brew, a monstrous whiskey made of lichen and motor oil, she thinks, is an acceptable candidate.
Following her gaze, the governess squeals. “Isn’t that Avery Cates?”
“Who?” the other two ask simultaneously.
“Illiterate cretins! Why do I even bother hanging out with you?”
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar. They look around, aware that at any minute their carefully concealed identities could be exposed. They've met to discuss their upcoming trip to what is being called, the utopia for misfits conference. Not every misfit has been invited. There are snobs even among their kind. At this conference
it will be decided who will travel to the aforementioned utopia. It will be a very exclusive group and they plan on being three of the chosen few.
"Gladys." Said the vampire to the monster.
"You should do the swimsuit competition.I've heard the judges are fond of hairy backs."
"A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walked into a Bar..nes and Noble."
“So is the place for sale?” the governess asked.
“Why would anybody want to buy a bookstore; it’s a dead business.”
“I can identify,” the zombie said.
“I‘d buy it,” the librarian said.
“I love the smell of books in the morning.”
“Wait a minute” the zombie said, “you’re supposed to be asleep when the sun comes up.”
“My morning starts at 1am.”
“Lets go,” the governess said, “I’m in the mood to slay.”
“Slay what,” the clerk said. “You say you want to get slayed?”
“Not us,” the vampire and zombie said, “been there done that.”
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar mitzvah uninvited, but bearing gifts.
MSG offers the boy Bigfoot’s head. The vamp lays a princess corpse at his feet. Dr. Z gives him a brain.
“What can I possibly do with these?” the boy mutters.
“My gift’s perfect for Halloween. See how he snarls,” MSG says.
“Fill mine with potpourri and hang her from your porch,” the vamp says. “Some will think she committed suicide, but she will smell so fine. Most lovely the scent of cinnamon and dried skin.”
“Save it for your addled years, or sell it on eBay,” Dr. Z says. “Shark brains fetch quite the price.”
This is going to be tough! So many creative entries. Keep them coming!
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar, taking a booth by the door.
The governess sipped her wine. “I can’t allow you to pursue your plan.”
Bored, the librarian stirred her bloody Mary—extra bloody—with the finger skewer, an olive stuck to the nail.
With a slurp of braiña colada, the zombie replied, “Aw, loosen up Janey-baby. When we work together, we eat half the people. We’re economizing.”
“I don’t know why you come along,” the librarian said, “when all you do is criticize.”
“It’s my job to protect…” The slayer slumped over.
“Wow.” The zombie checked her watch. “That took forever.”
“Let’s get started.”
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar.
Governess walks to a table with a troll.
“Just like you ordered.”
“Tell more.”
“Here is Jane, best for nightshifts, she is literate.”
“Good. She will read me bedtime stories. Insomnia.”
“And Bob, he is a professional meat grinder.”
“Awesome, my last one broke down almost a month ago. I depend on it. No teeth.”
“That would be 10.000.”
“All I have is 7.000, the rest I could pay in other…hard… currency” he licked his lips seductively.”
Governess takes out a sword and stabs troll through his heart.
She pulls Jane and Bob for their chains and leaves.
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professional zombie walk into a bar.
"Why did we come here?" The librarian asked. "This place is dead!"
"Because they threw us out of Applebees," the governess replied. "I blame him."
"Their customer service stinks worse than I do," the zombie protested.
"You asked if the waitress was on the menu and bit her!"
"She was a bit gamey. Besides you drank her blood."
The vampire shrugged. "Waste not. Want not."
"Can we just do this? Bartender, I'm here to slay Milwaukee's Beast!"
The man put a beer on the counter.
"You two set me up, again!"
"I might be the vampire, but you're the sucker!"
"A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar..."
"Get your mangy hide off the stage, wolf man!"
Lycos squinted past the glare of floodlights into the audience. He hated wizards -- no sense of humor -- but he needed this gig. His wife was pregnant with another litter of pups. The convention goers at Mummy-Con last week appreciated his jokes.
"Come up here and say that!" Lycos countered.
A flash of blue light later, Lycos was eye level with the microphone stand's shiny silver base, gaping at his reflection.
"Damned Harry Potter wannabe turned me into a bunny! My wife's gonna be pissed, assuming she doesn't accidentally eat me."
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a Barnes and Noble by mistake.
“How did we end up here?” asks the professor.
“I used my new app, Bite Me. I thought it was for restaurants. Oh, look, it says this place is full of AB negatives. My favorite!”
“You used that to guide us here?”
“It’s called an iPhone, governess. Sometimes, it’s like you are from another century.”
“Professor, the red-head on crutches in the self-help section is checking you out.”
“Not my type.”
“You have a type?” The governess fixes his dropping ear.
The professor looks over to a woman reading Wuthering Heights. “I like a woman with brains.”
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar. The governess gives her librarian husband a dirty look while downing half a bottle of scotch in a single gulp.
“Great, she’s on the warpath again,” Nikoli pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose.
“And why shouldn’t I be? Huh?” She pokes him in the chest. “You promised me golden eternity, not eternal drudgery. This kid conjures the boogeyman every night and I have to slay it before he can go to bed. Do you know what a mess that makes?”
“You?” Imhotep snorts and looks down at himself. “You’re not the one he keeps mistaking for toilet paper.”
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar-b-que joint in Texas.
“Welcome to Stubb’s!” says the hostess with her back to the door, not noticing the silver handcuffs on the bloodsucker or the ten-foot pole on the undead guy’s neck.
Janie walks up to the counter.
“Look, I’ve had one hell of a day. This guy stinks worse than a dog fart, Elvira keeps trying to give me the Tyra Banks crazy eyes, and I’ve got two tweens in the van who haven’t stopped asking ‘are we there yet’ since we left Houston. So let’s do without the screaming and get me three pulled pork sandwiches to go, pronto.”
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar.
The governess orders a Jaegerbomb. The vampire asks for a Bloody Mary. The zombie says she hasn’t decided just yet.
“Just let me know when you’re ready,” the bartender tells the zombie, as he is making the other two drinks.
The governess and the vampire get drunk, and as usual, begin to argue. The vampire bites the governess just as the governess stabs the vampire in the heart with a wooden stake. Both fall to the floor, dead.
“See your friends left you. How about a drink?” the bartender asks.
“No thanks, just a fork and a plate,” the zombie says.
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar.
They select a table next to the juke box. It’s playing Monster Mash.
“I hate this song.”
Zombie hits the table with his fist and a finger falls off. Vampire leans in to get a better look.
“Want me to fix it?”
“Forget it.”
He tosses it into the bowl of nuts.
“Another student asked me why zombies weren’t in Twilight today.”
“Not again.”
“I should just kill myself.”
“You’re all ready dead.”
“Rub it in why don’t you.”
Governess hands him a brochure. “Will you accept our help and go to treatment today?”
“No.”
“You could write a memoir.”
“Really?”
“A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar...”
I stopped him in mid-sentence. “Bad joke for Parents’ Night.”
My husband didn’t take the hint. “What’s back-to-school without a vampire or zombie?”
“Peaceful,” I said. “You didn’t take a carload of screaming girls to see Eclipse.”
“No, I was busy with the monster-slaying governess.” He pulled into a parking space at the back of the school lot, killed the motor and unhooked his seatbelt. “What happens if we skip Parents’ Night?”
“The vampire librarian will have our blood.”
He leaned across the SUV console and whispered, “It’s a rare night with no kids. I’ve got a better idea.”
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar...
Does anyone else have a problem with the previous sentence!? How in the world am I suppose to tie this to a light bulb installation punchline? A knock-knock joke is obviously out of the question. So I am thinking I will keep it simple:
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar...
"OUCH!" Who in the hell would put a bar so low!"
"Bloody authors!"
The governess and librarian dust of, pick up the zombie's pieces and stalk into the dark of night.
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar.
The vampire librarian looked a little smug. She stole a glance at the governess. “You silly demon hunters.”
“What?” the governess asked. “I thought you were regular baddies.” She picked something off the floor as her new friends saddled up to the bar. She handed an ear to the professorial zombie. “I think you dropped this.”
He took it and sighed. “I hate loosing body parts.”
The librarian grinned, put him in a playful headlock, and gave him a noogie. “Aww. Poor guy.”
A loud pop startled everyone in the room.
The librarian looked at his decapitated head. “Oopsie.”
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar...
“Oh honey,” the bartender says to the governess as he looks over the group. “Wednesday night… is drag night.”
~2
"A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar..."
"I've heard this one." I giggled anticipating Julie's submission.
Julie pouted, slamming her armload of ancient books on the bar and rolling black eyes in my direction. "Well, I haven't. Go ahead Rick."
Rick shook his head, pushing nerdy eyeglasses back up the bridge of his nose with his pale index finger. His skin mottled and sagging in the gloomy light of the bar.
"No Julie - I'm serious." Lifeless eyes darted between Julie and myself.
"Oh!" She growled. "So you know about me then?"
All hell broke loose when my sword, her teeth and Rick's bony hands started to battle.
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar.
“We don’t serve your kind here!” said the bartender as they entered.
“But there’s a wolf-man and a mummy in front of you!” protested the zombie professor.
The barkeep grunted. “Whatever.
We don’t serve your kind.”
The trio exchanged glances. “I don’t get it,” said the librarian. “If you don’t care about the whole undead thing…”
“We don’t serve you… bookish types...”
The vampire and zombie glanced at each other in horror. “And they call US monsters!”
The governess looked at her companions and grinned. “And you said there wouldn’t be any monsters I could slay.”
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar association. A gaggle of goggling lawyers confer, then shove one of their number forward to address the newcomers.
The vampire speaks first. "I'd like a job here. I'm a soulless bloodsucker."
"I’ll set you up with Civil Litigation. You, sir, what do you want?"
"Ah ead brainsh,” slurs the zombie. “Ah wanna zhob, doo."
"Brainless, eh? You‘d be perfect for a judgeship. And you, miss?”
The governess smiles. "I slay monsters."
"You want a job as well, I suppose?"
"I already have one." Over the lawyers’ objections, the governess pulls a machine gun from her carpetbag.
Overruled.
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a barista.
“Watch it!” The barista stepped aside from the door to the sidewalk, a cigarette hanging from her cherry gloss lips.
The librarian lifted an eyebrow and her lip.
The governess peered at the barista’s nametag and then assumed the attack pose, a flaming dagger in each hand. “YOU move, Margo.”
“Brains,” said the zombie.
Margo’s eyes crinkled. “Awesome!” She pointed through the coffee shop window. “Newspaper stealing lady, the non-tipper poser, and too-loud cell phone guy. Interested?”
“Yes!” hissed the librarian and the governess.
“Sorry,” said Margo, patting the zombie’s rotted arm. “You won’t find many brains in there, I’m afraid.”
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar...
The governess, sitting by herself, addressed the bartender. “Soda water, please.”
“We don’t serve your kind,” the bartender snarled.
“Don’t be such a bigot,” the librarian chided.
“Refusing her service is in violation of Prop ATE,” the zombie opined. “She has the freedom to eat or drink whoever or whatever she chooses.”
Growling his displeasure, the bartender slid water to the governess, a flute of blood to the librarian, and a snifter of brains to the zombie.
The zombie toasted the appalled governess. “To your health!”
“Don’t mind Lync,” the vampire whispered. “It’s that time of the month. Full moon tomorrow.”
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar
“Ouch!”
“Ha! Did you not see that?” the barman asked, wiping glasses with a white towel.
In an instant the librarian was at his throat, fangs sinking deeply into his vein as she sucked the blood from his body.
“Ah! A vampire monster!” shouted the governess.
Pulling a wooden stake out of her bag, she grabbed the vampire at the shoulder, pulling her away from the dead barman. Blood and trachea dropped from the librarian’s mouth as the stake was plunged into her heart.
“Die, you bloodsucking curator!” the governess screamed
The zombie just stood there, at the bar, waiting.
“Brains!”
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar.
“That's him,” says the governess and points to a miserable looking man sitting at a back-corner table, hiding behind a glass of vine. “Our creator.”
“No!” yells the zombie. “How could someone as boring as him create someone as magnificent as me?!”
“Or me?!” cries the vampire. “He is still at chapter 12, will never finish his book, and I will remain the greatest undiscovered fictional character of all times!”
“We either find another author,” suggests the governess, “or kill this one and see what happens.”
They look at each other.
“Not really a choice then,” one of them says, eventually.
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a Bar-B-Q.
“This is never going to work.”
“Trust me,” zombie replies, “he taught me I didn’t need a brain. He gave me my diploma.”
The librarian laughs. “Guess that’s where my bosses in the Hollow got their degrees, then.”
“Who dares disturb the great and powerful Oz?!” a voice booms from the other side of the grill.
The governess sighs. “I took out a Craigslist ad for a roommate and this other Jane showed up. She failed to mention she’s a vampire, which I kill.”
“Here.” The Wizard tosses them a large piece of meat.
“What is it?”
“It’s a steak.”
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar. It was an unlikely alliance. They dressed alike, but the fact that James was decomposing ruined the schoolteacher assembly look.
“Where is Elmo?” Ann asked.
“Don’t want no trouble,” the barman muttered.
Sue vaulted the bar, pinned the barman and said: “We aren’t looking for trouble, we’re looking for Elmo.”
The barman decided to be helpful.
The fight was short. Ann and Sue held Elmo down and looked away when James started eating.
“42nd Clair Street, top floor, apartment 4” James said after a few chews.
Sue and Ann ran. James stayed. He had only signed up for the munchies.
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a dive bar. While the zombie slugged his Brain Damage shot, the governess killed her Tom Collins, and the librarian sipped her Bloody Mary, in sauntered Barry Gibb, Pat Robertson wearing a PFLAG button, and Tony Hayward.
“Your finest Perignon,” Hayward said. “I dissolved BP. I'm celebrating switching to solar energy development.”
The bartender was furious. “Is this some joke?” he snarled. “Disco is dead, environmentally-conscious oil men don't exist, and a gay-friendly Evangelical? That's just a figment of your imagination!”
“Yeah, and you think you'll get champagne in this joint?” added the zombie. “That's plain impossible.”
“Look normal when she arrives. I want this to be a surprise!” giggled Governess.
She sprung to her feet, bumping the table and sloshing drinks, when the guest arrived. This elicited an eye roll from Librarian, but he bit his tongue to preoccupy himself.
“I’m so glad you could make it!” Governess said, leaning in.
“The Shark does - not - hug!” said Shark, sitting.
“Urgh,” started Zombie, before coughing. “Wow, sorry! Flesh in my throat!”
“I can relate,” Shark replied.
“We’ve brought you something,” Zombie continued.
“I hope you’ll think it’s as perfect as we do,” smiled Governess, pulling a crown from her wooden case. “It says ‘World’s Greatest Shark’!”
“We just extended the line to turn the ‘n’ into an ‘h’!” Zombie revealed.
Shark’s eyes stared as a toothy snarl crossed her face.
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar.
The barkeep looks over the glass he’s drying and takes a step back, bumping the counter behind him. In his moment of fear, jokes assail him, humour his escape.
“Necrophilia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one. I’m trying to put the laughter back in manslaughter. Hey, is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?”
The trio stop and stare.
“Look, I’m just saying, don’t take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time. You’re only asking for trouble.”
The slaughter of a local barkeep made the evening news.
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar...
Ellen approached the intimidated newcomers, leaving wife Portia alone at the bar.
“Welcome.”
Mad Curie's eyeballs popped. Losing her bifocals, she squawked, “E-E-Ellen?”
The TV host extended her hand, “Yes.”
“Ah-ah-ee…” the zombie stuttered, poking her eyes back in their sockets.
Vampedia stepped forward, tongue flickering over left canine, “She’s nervous - it’s her coming out party.”
“We’ve all been there.” Ellen replied.
Nanny Helsing noticed the bloodsucker’s firm grip on Ellen and flashed the stake tucked in her utility belt, “Not if you value your death, honey.”
Letting go, the Vampire followed Nanny and the Professor into Pussy Galore’s.
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar.
JJ saw the other patrons wincing and covering their noses.
The Professor is certainly getting ripe, she mused.
"Let's get a table in the back."
Once settled, Jane couldn’t hold back her questions any longer.
"Professor, what happened? You’ve . . . um . . . changed."
"Ah, sweet lovely Jane. I made a mistake," he said, picking maggots out of his drink. "I didn’t listen to my agent. I quit halfway through writing my book."
"You’re kidding, don’t tell me . . ."
"Yes, I forgot the first rule of academia, publish or perish . . .”
"A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar.
"Do you serve Monster Mash?" asked the governess.
"Is that like sour mash whiskey?" asked the bartender.
"Brains!" cried the zombie.
"Hey pal, only what you see," the waitress replied and pushed back the long flowing hair from her gorgeous cranium.
"I'll have a Bloody Mary," said the librarian.
"Virgin?" asked the barkeep.
The librarian licked her fangs and chuckled. "If you can find one," she replied.
“What brings you here?” a sexy young patron asked.
“You,” declared the vampire, and leapt for her throat.
The governess plunged a stake into the librarian’s chest. “One down, one to go,” she said.
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a barrister's office.
"Why a barrister?" whispered Prof. Zombie to the sexy monster-slaying governess.
"They’re supposed to know everything, dead-nuts."
"Oh." He shook his head, obviously at a loss.
"Zombies! You’re all so dense. What do you think, Eva?"
The vampire librarian wasn’t paying any attention. Leaning closer, Prof. Zombie could hear her muttering.
"Must resist. Must resist. Must resist."
“You don’t want to drink from him, Eva. His blood’s probably toxic.”
“Pay attention,” snapped Slayerbelle.
“Excuse me,” she said to the terrified barrister. The barrister fell down in a faint.
“Bloody lawyers!”
Slayerbelle rolled her eyes. “We only wanted to ask directions…”
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar one after the other, and end up sitting each a stool apart. The governess takes a swig of rye and starts to weep. The zombie pretends not to notice. The librarian eyes linger on the governess’ nose and lips, engorged with blood. Eventually, the zombie, never one to let death get in the way of his humanity, passes the governess a serviette and asks what’s wrong.
She snuffles, and says, “Do you ever feel like your work just follows you around?”
A monster slaying governess, a vampire librarian and a professional zombie walk into a bar where no one would expect to see a horse, the flash of gunfire or jaunty philanderers... except the agent of fine print, Janet Reid.
She watched the motley group through dubious eyes, pretending not to wince at the poorly executed sound effects, certain this was little more than someone's elaborate idea of a suck-up.
Smirking into her Chivas and contemplating twitter soup, she waited, snorting indelicately when the horse that wasn't really there, winked at her.
Sure enough, the players vanished from her view, one by one, until there was nothing left but a manuscript, sliding under the door.
A monster-slaying Governess, a vampire Librarian, and a Professorial zombie walk into a barn at night.
The Librarian and Governess are out for blood, but the Professor hopes to discuss his new particle physics hypothesis, Galaxial-Atomostring-Theory, which he struggles to articulate due to a recently rotted tongue.
“Blarrghhaarrr,” he begins.
Behind them comes Gabe, a physicist by day and werewolf by night. He quietly stalks and devours all three.
The next day, possessing wicked indigestion and inexplicable sunburn, Gabe deciphers much of what the Professor's head grunted while the werewolf consumed his body.
Henceforth, Gabe is known as the founder of String Theory, the simple name of which has puzzled physics students ever since.
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar...
“So this is the place,” asks V, adjusting her glasses. Her eyesight just hasn’t been the same since her brain was half-eaten. “I guess it could work.”
“Damn tootin’ it’ll work,” says Aimee. “Envision the way the light would fill the space.”
“Hmm, light, not so good for my people,” the librarian says. “But we could make it look like real sunlight. The kids won’t know the difference.” Gloria is full of silly ideas.
“Where will we get rid of the bodies?” V is still having trouble putting it together.
“Behind where the bar is,” Aimee says. “It’ll hide blood stains.”
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar.
“Owww!” They shriek, holding their throbbing heads. The barman shakes his head, setting down his dishtowel.
“What’ll it be? A round of Bloody Marys? Or after that thump, would you prefer a Harvey Wallbanger to take the edge off?”
“Martini, dry,” warbles the governess, peeling off her white gloves. The vampire and the zombie salivate as they stare at the barman.
“You,” they grunt, clambering onto the bar and opening their mouths wide. The barman doesn’t have time to scream, color leaching from his face.
“Can’t take they anywhere,” the governess says. “You could’ve waited ‘til he got my drink, though!”
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar. It's ladies night and the entertainment is about to begin. They order their favorite drinks and settle back for the show. At the first beat of the music, an adonis in a gold lame g-string struts out onto the stage. The zombie screams "man meat!" The dancer gives her a coy wink and shakes his junk. The vampire yells "I'd like to suck on that!" The governess pulls out her sword, beheads the dancer and says "illiterate demon!" The music stops and the vampire and zombie groan and say, "Dammit, Jane, for once can we just leave work at home."
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar. “I’m totally dead on my feet today,” Zombie said as they all had a seat.
“Me too, but I’m trying to look on the bright side. I met this chick at the library today. I think she’s totally my type,” said Vampire.
“A positive?” asked Zombie.
“No, I prefer B negative.”
“Let me show you this picture on my phone of a girl I hooked up with last week,” said Zombie.
“Ew, where did you dig her up?” asked Governess.
“I don’t think she looks that bad, but she’s not a keeper.”
“Why not?”
“I prefer a girl with brains.”
the governess says "where do you hide the bodies of 3 monster toddlers?" The vampire says "they are a pain in the neck." The zombie says... "tell me where they are, I will deal with it... and can I buy you ladies a drink?"
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar. A quick glance around reveals no creatures of interest out for a drink.
The bartender nods in greeting and fires up the blender without hearing the order. It's nice to have a relatively calm crowd, and he's more than happy to make the awful drinks as payment for services rendered.
An umbrella thwacks loudly before he can pour the vile stuff. He glances at the werewolf on the floor and shoves the glass forward.
“Your Brain-Blood Smoothie, Dr. Poppins. Now enlighten me on the lastest fiction releases that tell how impossible your mere existence is.”
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar...
“Oh, crap. John’s off to the jukebox. If I have to hear I Fall to Pieces one more time...”
“Ah, cut him some slack, Jane. His heart’s broken. Remember, to Eyre is human—”
“Don’t go there, Vivian. And that wench didn’t break his heart. She frickin’ ate it.”
“Yes, well. It’s not as if we didn’t see that one coming. He didn’t follow the rule. Date outside of your species. Shared tastes only lead to trouble.”
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar.
“Heavens.” The zombie fumbled in the pocket of her dusty gray gown. “They’ve got Whirlwind.” She sucked in her breath. “I must play.”
“Oh Diane, there’s so much more to life than games.”
“You’d think so, Dave, with you books and your blood. When’s the last time Susan let me have a brain?”
Dave glanced at Susan, lounging against the bar, a weapon in each hand. “People kind of need their brains to live, Diane.”
A man approached Susan, casually leaned over, and allowed his arm to brush against her breasts. “Apparently not that guy,” Diane said.
“You’ll feed tonight.”
"A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar..."
“I’ll have a Zombie,” the governess announces.
“A What?”
“A Zombie.”
The barkeep nods. “There.”
“I could eat you all night,” a rusty chainsaw voice whispers.
Thank God for her filigreed axe.
Monster dispatched, she asks again. “Zombie?”
Suddenly, two soulful, bespectacled, undead eyes distract her from the bar.
“How about a drink?”
She holds her crucifix like a shield. “I don’t do moody.”
She tries the barkeep again. “Zombie?”
He looks up. “Vampire. But I’m a werewolf. I’d bite you anytime, baby.”
That's it. “I’m packing silver you lycanthropic moron. And I want a DRINK!”
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar…
Zombie gets tossed for BYOB. Vamp runs gagging from pizza joint next door. Sad to lose her date and sister's company, governess departs to find both going at it in the parking lot. Shocked, she stakes them both.
Inside she orders drinks, sobbing. Bartender asks, "What happened?"
"Just figured out which BP Exec my sister dates AND how my husband keeps a mistress he doesn't eat!"
Moral: Your mistress may be vamp, but your wife knows where you parked LONG after you've lost your f%$ng mind…
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar. They survey the competition. Most of the regulars are there including the three sisters (more bitches than witches) who are surrounded by several enamored men.
“Hmmm…looks like they might have mastered their love potion,” Mary, the governess, whispers to her friends.
“You can’t fault them for resorting to potions. This scene sucks more than I do,” Amelia says with a laugh. Her fangs gleam in the dim overhead lighting.
“I’m not interested in looks you know,” Claire begins.
“We know. You just want a guy with brains.” Mary finishes Claire’s sentence and shakes her head. “You two need new material.”
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar.
“What’ll it be, Dr Barnes?” asks the bartender.
“Brains!” says Dr Barnes.
“Ms Jameson?”
“Blood,” says Ms Jameson.
The bartender turns to the final member of the party. “And for you, Ms Slayre?”
The woman pulls a wooden stake from her bodice and plunges it through the bartender’s heart. “That is Miss Slayre, I’ll have you know,” she says.
“Dead!” shouts Dr Barnes, pointing at the bartender on the floor.
“Not at all, Dr Barnes,” says Miss Slayre primly. “It was only a Ms-stake.”
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?"
Being a proper lady, the governess defers to her peers.
"I’ll have a pint of your finest," the librarian replies, eying the bartender’s neck with a grin.
"How about you?" the bartender asks the professor.
"Hmmm," she replies, scanning the room, "Everything looks so good. I can't decide. Mind if I pick your brain?"
"And you?" he asks the governess again.
"I better stick with water," she sighs. "I have a feeling I might be working tonight."
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar.
“Hey there baby – want a stiff one?” he says as he flops his rotting corpse into the stool next to the librarian.
“I’ve got one – thanks.” Her nose crinkles and her lips curl back to reveal sharp fangs as the stench of decaying flesh wafts over her.
“How bout one of these?” He slaps a severed arm onto the bar.
“I like mine with the owner attached.”
“I’ll give you a stiff one…”a gentle, proper voice says from behind him followed by the loud click of a handgun cocking beside his head.
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