Friday, December 08, 2023

Flash fiction contest of a different sort

A friend and I were talking about her dogs and she casually mentioned she had business cards for them!

 Well, that made me curious so I asked to see one.

Kind soul that she was, she didn't mention she'd have to go digging, but dig she did.

 

Here it is:

 


 

So this week's flash fiction contest is: write copy for your dog/cat/dragon pet of any sort and post it in the comments column of this blog post.


Word count limit: 30 words.

You must include your familiar's name. You don't need to tell a story.

And your familiar doesn't need to be anything but themselves (ie couch potatoes are not discouraged.)


Here's what I would write about my fuzzy friend Mx Pix:


Mx Pix: Parkour Champion of Astoria Queens.

I leap while you sleep.


Wednesday, December 06, 2023

Including maps with requested pages

Dear Janet,

 

The question is regarding maps in novels and sample pages (In usual fashion, my cart is bopping along the rocky road pushed by the nose of my weary horse. This is for my next and as yet unfinished novel). 

 

I did read your old posts regarding graphics and maps and understand why graphics are generally frowned upon for debuts and that illustrative maps are typically outsourced. 

 

 

However, I do actually have the skillset to do this (the map illustrations, I mean. Jury is still out on the writing bit). I was in a graphics heavy profession in my formative years and can more than competently do black and white line art. 

 

The actual question: Hypothetically, when an agent requests sample pages, would one include a sample of said map graphic as an embedded image in the word or PDF document if it’s relevant to the submitted pages? The book does not specifically need maps, though it would be delightful to have them, as there is a bit of wandering. 

 

 

 

 I love love love maps in books, and I'm not alone. Maps, even of "real places" like St. Mary Meade, are fun to look at. 

 


 

And of course fantasy maps are just the cat's pjs. Even ones that are more art than informational.

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

 


However, when an agent requests the manuscript, including art is not implied. 

 

What you can do is put the maps on your website and reference that in your query.

You have a website right? (no, you don't, I checked). 

You MUST have a website, and being able to include maps is just one more reason to get cracking. 

I've gotten on my soapbox about the value of websites in previous posts.

Also the jury is NOT out on your writing skills. You ARE a good writer, and I have the flash fiction entries to prove it.

Monday, December 04, 2023

Flash fiction contest results

 

Thanks to all of you who stepped in to assuage my pain at the shellacking I've taken from Steve Forti. It was medicinal flash fiction indeed!

 

Here are the entries that caught my eye.

 

Steve Forti

 

“I mean, who mixes meerkat with warthog? Ridiculous. And don’t get me started on Pac-man. ‘Cuz there’s Ms. Pac-man. Did she have just one choice in a guy? Is there like a whole race of Pac-men out there running from ghosts? And how do sheets stay on ghosts, anyway? Or pants. Is there naked ghost butt on every surface top in haunted houses? Oh, remember that ghost episode of Punky Brewster, when… hmm? Oh dear… I’m doing it again. What was the question?”

 

“Have you reached a verdict?”

 

“Oh yes. We the jury find the defendant guilty of first-degree murder.

 

Talk about not seeing where this was headed.

Very nice example of a twist.

 

 

 

Amy Johnson

 

 

Help. I—"

Phone hangs up.

Unknown number.

Just some youth, wart.

Acme of his day: prank calls.

Button up coat.

Rush to the train.

Dad’s voice?

Call him.

“Fine, honey.”

Xerox machine.

Lost in thought.

What-ifs.

“Operator, . . . trace the call?”

“Impossible.”

Questions:

Should I have checked on the neighbors? Familiar voice? Prank?

Zigzagging thoughts.

Gasping for breath.

Numbness.

“Missed you in the meeting.”

“Everything okay?”

“Trying . . . can’t get a response. She’s catatonic. Hurry!”

“Kin? They’ll want to contact someone.”

“You’re going to be okay, ma’am.”

“Very unusual.”

 

I have a feelling once someone explains this to me, I'll understand it's brilliant (this is Amy Johnson after all) but I just don't get this one.

 

 

french sojourn

 

He paused, in suspended cartoon gravity, and reflected on the gravity of it all.

 

One of many things that escaped him, yet again, was his punk-ass fowl nemesis.

 

Had he been thwarted by the time / distance variable? No.

 

Had he re-wired the faulty recalled ACME activator button? Check.

 

He went over the formula he had used… Height over Mass times the square root of pi, should equal the foot/pounds applied to the radius of the…

 

Why was he getting that sinking feeling?

 

He heard a distinct beep-beep, as he started accelerating.

 

He pulled out his sign that read.

 

Drats!

 

 

Why was he getting that sinking feeling just cracked me up.




 

 

Kregger

 

Minnesota Fats stared down his cue. “You got spunk, kid.”

 

“Rac’ me, Rudy.”

 

The corpulent man obliged, aligning the “one” ball on the button.

 

Fats blew chalk from his felt tip. “I’ve never lost a match with money. Bet a buck?”

 

“I eat pi’ for breakfast. Make it a fin. I feel lucky.”

 

“No luck involved.” Fats watched the rack scatter, sinking the seven. “Nice shot.”

 

“Rac’ me.”

 

“Make it a C-note?”

 

“How about a stack of C-notes?”

 

“You’re on.”

 

Break. One ball left.

 

“Athwart side pocket.”

 

Fats exclaimed, “Who are you?”

 

“I’m a skinny little boy from Cleveland Ohio.”

 

I think this depends on knowing something about pool.

As a shark, my only pool knowledge involves lurking in the depths for dangling toes.

 

 

 

 

Colin Smith

 

“We want the truth. Warts and all.”

 

The Senator peered over his glasses at the punked-out figure sitting before him.

 

Menacme Spike, aka John Jones, shivered, cold perspiration beading on his lip. He pulled at his unbuttoned collar and cleared his throat.

 

“No,” his voice shook. “No, you don’t.”

 

“This is a congressional hearing,” the Senator said, glancing at his colleagues. “You must say what happened. Whatever the consequences.”

 

“Whatever?”

 

“Whatever. It’s time to come clean.”

 

“But it was murder!”

 

“I know.” The Senator smiled uncomfortably.

 

“Mum…” The word caught in Jones’s throat.

 

“Yes.”

 

“But Dad… it weren’t your fault.”

 

oh ho! Nice twist!

 

 

Madeline Mora-Summonte

 

She twists me – the top button – into place, her fingers nimble, her nails painted pink to match the diner's uniform. She smiles at the mirror. Nothing thwarts her spunkiness.

 

The stranger in the grimy Mac Meats cap orders peach pie, coffee. His greasy gaze lands on me, lingers too long. She tenses. Her heartbeat races at my back.

 

In the alley, he shoves her down, tears her clothes. The other buttons fly off.

 

I hold on. She does not.

 

When he's done, he cleans up, leaves.

 

But his fingerprint, pressed into me, stays.

 

I really love stories from an unusual perspective.

 

 

 

Michael Seese

 

 

I loved Lilith, warts and all. Spirited, spunky, with hair of enchanted gold and eyes of midnight. Alas, I could never free her from the elegiac memories’ wicked whispers. And once her inner demons began worming into me, I could no longer have her in my world. My pitiful “I'm sorry” sounded wholly insufficient, as she fought back the tears.

 

“But…”

 

“Tonight let’s just be together, and forget. Then tomorrow, you must leave.”

 

Her resignation weighed heavy on both of our souls.

 

“You'll be happy on Earth,” I offered, stanching my own sorrow. “I hear there's a lovely garden.”

 

 

oh! ohohoh!

 

 

 

 

NLiu

 

Kidnapped Bobbin Button, held in Castoff Castle,

Discovered Count Stitches had been a dreadful rascal.

He’d bred Monopis Crocicapitella, farmed an army.

Soon to be unleashed in a wool-ravaging tsunami.

But Bobbin was courageous, and also good at reading.

She sneaked notes to Polly and Esther. Together they got weaving.

The moths flew free. Chewing ensued.

But in the end their only food

was Stitches himself. He’d miscalculated,

and by his minions was masticated.

‘Cause manmade is mothproof, and linen too,

But fin-de-siècle Stitches? Thwarted moth poo.

In stitchpunk an acme soon comes unravelled.

Little Bobbin grew up – and travelled.

 

Holy smokes.

 

 

 

John Davis Frain

 

Mom hits the AC. Me? I crank the heat. Thank goodness for our dual-zone climate control sofa. We watch split-screen TV together. Horror on her half, comedy on mine.

 

She taps the volume button, but I’ve thwarted her this time. Removed the batteries from her remote.

 

A ding from the kitchen. Dinner is shrimp—sweet for Mom, sour for me.

 

“What’s dessert?” I ask.

 

“Apple pie with arsenic sauce,” Mom says. “I’ll have the pie.”

 

Always the spunky one, Mom almost Forti’d me again! I replace her remote-control batteries. She won’t hear the oven ding, and the pie will burn.

 

Ha!

 

 

 

Mallory Love

 

He’d been called everything from “punk” to “maniac mess.” The worst was “delusional.” That one came from the court-ordered therapist and caused him to be locked up in the psych ward on Christmas Eve. Made him so mad, but he had a list for people like her. Come tomorrow she would regret trying to thwart his plans.

 

He heard tapping at the window. Showtime. He buttoned his coat. Glass shattered. The alarm sounded as he took a flying leap. He waved to the stunned faces below as the sleigh rose higher.

 

He’d been called everything, but the best was “Santa.”

 

Ha!

 

 

 

 

 

Ash Complin

 

My daughter has her mom's button nose, a reminder of who I lost that day.

 

I started overeating, my bad habit.

 

She grew, became smart, like her mother.

 

She got me a wrist tattoo: a crossed-out pi, a joke to thwart my irrational dessert binging. She wanted me to live forever. She made me want to live at all.

 

She went to her first punk concert, the ACME Rockets, but never came home. Overdosed. I never knew she had a habit, too.

 

Now when I reach for a donut, I see the tattoo, and I take two.

 

I miss you, Bunny.

 

yikes!

 

 

 

This week's winner is Michael Seese.

there were several terrific entries and it was very hard to choose just one.

 

Michael, drop me a line and tell me what you're reading these days and I'll get a prize book in the mail to you.

 

Thanks to all of you who took time to write and post entries.

They were balm for my wounded pride.

 

 

 

 

Friday, December 01, 2023

Flash ficton contest to assauge my thorough besting by Steve Forti

 

I am surrendering to the brilliance of Steve Forti.

I've never managed to thwart him.

I slink off in shame.

 

However, we'll have a flash fiction contest to assuage my pain.

 

 

 The usual rules apply:

 

1. Write a story using 100 words or fewer.

 

2. Use these words in the story:

punk

button

thwart

acme

pi

 

 

If you are Steve Forti, or wish you could be, just enjoy your victory.



 

3. You must use the whole word, but that whole word can be part of a larger word. The letters for the prompt must appear in consecutive order. They cannot be backwards.

 

4. Post the entry in the comment column of THIS blog post.

 

5. One entry per person. If you need a mulligan (a do-over) erase your entry and post again. It helps to work out your entry first, then post.

 

6. International entries are allowed, but prizes may vary for international addresses.

 

7. Titles count as part of the word count (you don't need a title.)

 

8. Under no circumstances should you tweet anything about your particular entry to me. Example: "Hope you like my entry about Felix Buttonweezer!" This is grounds for disqualification.

 

9.  There are no circumstances in which it is ok to ask for feedback from ME on your contest entry. NONE.

 

10.  It's ok to tweet about the contest generally.

Example: "I just entered the flash fiction contest on Janet's blog, and I didn't even get a lousy t-shirt"

 

11. Please do not post anything but contest entries. (For example: "I love Felix Buttonweezer's entry!"). Save that for the contest results post.

 

12. You agree that your contest entry can remain posted on the blog for the life of the blog. In other words, you can't ask me to delete the entry and any comments about the entry at a later date.

 

13. The stories must be self-contained. That is: do not include links or footnotes to explain any part of the story. Those extras will not be considered part of the story.

 

 

Contest opens: Saturday, December 2, 2023 6:46am EST

 

Contest closes: Sunday, December 3, 2023 10:00am EST

 

If you're wondering how what time it is in NYC right now, here's the clock .

 

 

 

If you'd like to see the entries that have won previous contests, there's an .xls spread sheet here http://www.colindsmith.com/TreasureChest/

 

(Thanks to Colin Smith for organizing and maintaining this!)

 

Questions? Tweet to me @Janet_Reid. I'm also on Bluesky: @janetreid. bsky.social

Ready? SET?


Not yet!

ENTER! 

Sorry, too late. Contest is closed.

 


Wednesday, November 29, 2023

yes, Jeff Somers IS brilliant (don't tell him I said so)



Jeff Somers has a terrific substack going that uses movies to illustrate points about writing. It's true-to-form Jeff: hilarious, and helpful.

Here's one of his recent points that really hit home for me:




Restraint can be challenging when writing a story, because it sometimes feels like it’s not writing. Depicting something in a realistic fashion sometimes feels like you’re simply describing an experience and not value-adding as a creator, or something¹³. The urge to dress everything up, to make every character “quirky,” every scene emotionally loud, every speech a brilliant soliloquy often has the opposite effect: The scene in question feels over-written, overwrought, and artificial.



13 You know you’ve spent too much time in Corporate America when you casually drop a phrase like “value-add” in everyday footnote conversation.





You can subscribe here

Tuesday, November 21, 2023

Flash Fiction contest results (final)

 I had such high hopes.

I figured string quartet would finally thwart Mr. Forti. I originally had Ouagadougu (the capitol of Burkina Faso) but I thought for sure he'd be able to twist that into something hilarious.

 

I guess I should quit finding my prompt words in the Acme Dictionary.



But string quartet?? 

Well, not only did Mr. Forti thwart me, a bunch of the rest of you formed a Forti Mob and did me in as well.

Fortunately, this week I am cat sitting so I have in-house purring to sooth me.


Ms. Pix my purry companion

And then, to make matters worse, Mr. Forti sweeps the competition and wins the whole damn flash fiction contest.

There were some blazingly good entries this week, but I have to recognize genius even when it's cloaked in Nemesis.

(which is better than being cloaked in emesis, I guess).

 

Steve, send me your preferred mailing address, and what kind of books you like to read, and I'll get your prize in the mail next week (cat-sitting so not post office-ing).

 

Thanks to all of you who took the time to write and post entries.

It was a buffet of fabulous writing.

And if anyone has any ideas on how to stymie Steve, I'm ALL EARS!



Monday, November 20, 2023

Nov 19 FlashFiction contest prelim results

 


A lot of you want to be Steve Forti!

Here are the various ways you deployed string quartet:

 

french sojourn “G-String Quartet”

Steve Forti best ring quartet

Tim Lowe hamstring quartet

 

BJ Muntain blust'ring quartet.

Beth Carpenter string. Quartet,

J.R. Raglow  A string, quartet of queer days, has mired me in a shoal

 

Colin Smith a string quartet of fishing lines

KA Claytor tie around hamstring. Quart Ethylbenzene,

Michael Pappas string quartet of sticky web

 

KD James  Gaudiest ring quartet ever.

Diana The same fish she'd later string, quartets at a time, on her hook for dinner.

Amy Johnson “Four siblings, four former foster kids, four theoretical physicists,” says the article. “A string quartet.”

 

 

 

Here are the entries that caught my eye.

 

 

BJ Muntain

 

Pedro led the llama train, sure feet plodding between mountain wall and drop. The trail widened into a meadow near a shoal stream. Siesta time. The llamas grazed. Pedro's thoughts floated into dreams.

 

A rhythmic cry of alarm. A scream. He jumped at the blust'ring quartet. Llama to llama, he pulled them off the huddled figure.

 

"You can't help on the full moon," he told his son.

 

"It's daytime!"

 

"Tonight's a full moon. Even I smell wolf on you. Go home."

 

He calmed the llamas as Miguel slunk homewards.

 

"Travel the world," he grumbled. "Have adventures. Come back a werewolf."

 

That final line just makes the whole piece.

 

 

E.M. Goldsmith

 

Raine left no footprints in the muddy shoals.

 

It had to be a dream. She awoke on the couch, dropped in front of the television. Relief.

 

A nightmare from the true crime documentary. A view of the sandbar in the river flashed on the screen. She had been friends with the accused. Oliver. Decades ago. Everyone said he was innocent of that triple murder. Until the water pulled back from that sandbar to expose the old bones. She stared at Ollie’s image, remembered. Her body turned to bones.

 

A momentary horror. The knife. The pain. Then floating. And light.

 

I'm not exactly sure what's going on here but "her body turned to bones" is wonderfully enigmatic.

 

 

Just Jan

 

Before I met Chip, I never thought a tollhouse toff could fall for a bit of sugar and spice from the Shoals. He was all mine, right up until the day he spied a bunch of ne'er-do-wells floating around the kitchen: Rainier cherries. Sour cream. Cream cheese.

 

And Graham.

 

Snickerdoodle, Chip cried, Graham said I'd make the PERFECT addition!

 

Don't listen to that cracker, I wailed. He's nothing but crust!

 

Chip insisted. Persisted.

 

Sorrowfully, I desisted.

 

I'll be back, he promised, as he dropped over the side of our jar, but my semi-sweetheart never returned.

 

We were both crushed.

 

wonderfully imaginative

 

 

 

 

 

KAClaytor

 

“Touchdown!”

 

Chad jumped up from the snot-green couch—the most he’d moved in days. Cheetos rained down like confetti, neon orange bits smearing into the new carpet. He dropped the remote, picking it up with his bare toes. “Tallulah, fetch me another beer. Be quick about it.”

 

Wives are given a toll-free number, if the time comes.

 

A recording offers instructions with measured reassurance.

 

“To keep the body from floating…”

 

Tallulah scribbled furiously, ‘Twenty-pound weight, tie around hamstring. Quart Ethylbenzene, for sedation…’

 

Now, out beyond the shoal, Chad, his beer, and his remote keep company with the others.

 

Homage to the dearly departed snot-green couch.

(for those of you new to the reef, this was the description of my former couch, the one I revised with a carving knife)

 

 




 

 

 

 

 

John Davis Frain

 

Water Patrol pulls over Frain’s wife and boards her vessel.

 

“So you were fishing?”

 

“Following the shoals of herring to catch my husband’s dinner.” She points. “He’s down below.”

 

“But your boat has no cabin below.”

 

“Oh.” She winks. “He’s not in a cabin. He’s testing a floatation device.”

 

“How does that work?”

 

“It doesn’t,” she says, forcing a teardrop. “It’s why we’re drifting apart.”

 

That line took a toll on his patience. “I’ll have to cuff you for that one,” the officer groans.

 

“It was still worth it. I couldn’t live with that guy anymore.”

 

I love Frain's wife!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mallory Love

 

I dreamed I went to the lighthouse again. Like a spirit, I dropped off the cliffside and floated along the shoals and shores of the dark sea. The light chased me as I traveled. But it couldn’t catch me. I was unrestrained, ethereal.

 

I could sense you in the tower, watching, waiting. Sometimes you'd question your sanity. The loneliness took a toll. That’s how our fight started. With the questions turned accusations.

 

Now you direct them at yourself. Did I slip, or did you shove me?

The machines beep, but my eyes can’t open. See you soon, in my dreams.

 

oh my!

 

 

NLiu

 

I think of you whenever I hear the Raindrop Prelude.

 

I was a lone wolf, skinny and scabbed with mange, who mistook you for the moon – floating exalted, so bright, so cold – and sang you a wild nocturn.

 

Condescending, you invited me in, taught me more civilised music. I grew – stood on two feet, every aria tolling sophistication, your feral little protégé.

 

I cringed at your heel. But it was your shoal heart I craved.

 

One bold night of storms, I took it.

 

Only flesh it was. Only flesh.

 

Still, I think of you whenever I hear the Raindrop Prelude.

 

I'm not exactly sure what's going on here, but it's lovely.

 

 

Here are the four finalists

 

Steve Forti

 

“The Olympics.”

“What?”

“Jus’ sayin’s, all. The best ring quartet’s the Olympic logo.”

“That’s five, dummy.”

“Audi.”

“A strong contender. We floating ideas, I’m going brass knuckles.”

“On brand. Clever thinking.”

“Jupiter’s got four rings, ya know. Joe Montana, too.”

“My phone before it goes to voice mail.”

“That’s the winner right there. Love the creative juices. So we all agree? The bloody outline of the four bullet holes we put in the ayatollah here makes the second best ring quartet?”

“Fo’ sho’.”

“All right. Drop him in the hole and get burying. It’s about to be raining palace guards.”

 

Talk about a twist of an ending!

 

 

Ash Complin

 

With the threat of extinction floating over us, I'm proud to announce a new, tidal form of energy production. We will begin construction on the shores immediately.

 

I won't be koi. I've paid atoll most severe. My scale reading has doubled. My health has gone to Shell. Sandy, my wife, dropped me for my best chum.

 

But, I couldn't do this alone. I've only seen further than others by standing on the shoalders of giants.

 

With our new generators, we can finally bring the fight to the dam surface-dwellers. May the Kingdom of Atlantis rain forever!

 

Oh suite mother of godiva!

 

 

Diana

 

Some days grandma misses her home so much she says it felt like a physical pain in her heart. She misses the rain the most, precious when it came, pounding the ocean like drums. She misses slipping off as a child, neglecting her chores to float among the bright shoals of fish. The same fish she'd later string, quartets at a time, on her hook for dinner.

 

Grandma grows very silent when I ask her why she can't go back. There's nothing left to go back to, she says.

 

Dropping twenty nuclear bombs on an atoll doesn't leave much behind.

 

my heart just stopped when I read that last line.

 

 

 

Amy Johnson

 

Four siblings.

 

The parents float in and out, but Chelle makes sure the younger ones eat, get to school.

 

In sixth grade, Chelle reads L’Engle. Her shoal of classmates misses the points. Chelle reads it to Vincent, explains the bug on the string. Next, Ty. Then, Rosie.

 

Four siblings sent to four separate foster homes.

 

Bus rides, treks through the rain – to check on the three of them, drop off library books, encourage them. Incredibly, none of it takes a toll on Chelle’s GPA.

 

“Four siblings, four former foster kids, four theoretical physicists,” says the article. “A string quartet.”

 

I'm going to need some more time to pick the winner, clearly.

What an array of wonderful this is!

 

Let me know what you think in the comment column.

Friday, November 17, 2023

En garde, M. Forti!

 

I'm renewing my efforts to thwart Steve Forti!

It's almost the end of 2023! I must prevail at least once!!

 

 

 The usual rules apply:

 

1. Write a story using 100 words or fewer.

 

2. Use these words in the story:

 

shoal

rain

drop

atoll

float

 

If you are Steve Forti, or wish you could be, you must also use the word: string quartet BUT you can NOT use it to mean a group of four stringed instruments!

 

 


 

 

3. You must use the whole word, but that whole word can be part of a larger word. The letters for the prompt must appear in consecutive order. They cannot be backwards.

 

4. Post the entry in the comment column of THIS blog post.

 

5. One entry per person. If you need a mulligan (a do-over) erase your entry and post again. It helps to work out your entry first, then post.

 

6. International entries are allowed, but prizes may vary for international addresses.

 

7. Titles count as part of the word count (you don't need a title.)

 

8. Under no circumstances should you tweet anything about your particular entry to me. Example: "Hope you like my entry about Felix Buttonweezer!" This is grounds for disqualification.

 

9.  There are no circumstances in which it is ok to ask for feedback from ME on your contest entry. NONE.

 

10.  It's ok to tweet about the contest generally.

Example: "I just entered the flash fiction contest on Janet's blog and I didn't even get a lousy t-shirt"

 

11. Please do not post anything but contest entries. (For example: "I love Felix Buttonweezer's entry!"). Save that for the contest results post.

 

12. You agree that your contest entry can remain posted on the blog for the life of the blog. In other words, you can't ask me to delete the entry and any comments about the entry at a later date.

 

13. The stories must be self-contained. That is: do not include links or footnotes to explain any part of the story. Those extras will not be considered part of the story.

 

 

Contest opens: Saturday, November 18, 8:12 am EDT

 

Contest closes: Sunday, November 19, 10:00am EST

 

Back to the later times this week because I'm heading out on vacation on Sunday!

 

If you're wondering how what time it is in NYC right now, here's the clock .

 

 

 

If you'd like to see the entries that have won previous contests, there's an .xls spread sheet here http://www.colindsmith.com/TreasureChest/

 

(Thanks to Colin Smith for organizing and maintaining this!)

 

Questions? Tweet to me @Janet_Reid. I'm also on Bluesky: @janetreid.bsky.social

Ready? SET?


Not yet!

ENTER! 

Sorry, too late.

Contest is closed. Results to come.

 

Wednesday, November 15, 2023

Wo is die Brooklyn Bridge?

 

 

On a recent fine autumn day I headed to the subway for my weekly jaunt up to MoMA.

I like to go early to hit the members-only hour on Sunday because it's a LOT less crowded. Less crowded on the subway, too.

 

 

As I approached the subway entrance, I couldn't help but notice a bevy of  ladies-of-a-certain- age, clearly tourists, and clearly lost.

 

Since I spend my days chomping on tender (toothsome) writers, I look for ways to offset that when I can.

 

I approached the one looking back and forth between the street sign and a map on her phone.

 

"Do you need directions?"

 

"Ja, bitte."

 

Oh boy, these ladies were German tourists; my German is rudimentary at best, not to mention rusty.

 

"Wo gehen Sie?" I asked, hoping I wasn't asking if she needed some money.

 

"Brooklyn Bridge walk."

 

Oh triple hell.  These ladies were REALLY far afield.

 

The bridge we could see in the distance was the Williamsburg Bridge.

 

And even if they wanted the Billyburg Bridge, it's a mile away from where we were standing. I know this cause it's one of my morning walks when I need to juice up to take on the world.

 

"Dis ist nicht die Brooklyn Bridge. Hier ist Williamsburg Bridge."

 

In halting English: "Can we walk there?'

 

"Die Brooklyn Bridge...ist (eins, zwei, drei, vier--yes I had to count on my fingers!)  fünf kilometers."

 

Crestfallen faces all around.

 

What they didn't ask, but what I knew, was there's no direct subway or bus route.

 

"Sie mussen gehen on subway"...you must get back on the subway.

 

The lady holds out her phone and shows me the directions she and her friends had followed.

Sure enough, they'd gone astray at 14th Street Union Square; perhaps thinking the L-train "to Brooklyn" meant the Brooklyn Bridge, not the borough.

 

I once got so lost in Frankfort I ended up driving into a parking garage at the airport instead of getting on the autobahn.  I could empathize with my new friends, but that wasn't going to get them where they needed to go.

 

"Wir mussen ...." but I didn't have the words for "look at the map" so I mimed going down the subway steps.

 

Trusting souls, diese Damen. They followed me like ducklings.

 

Each subway station has a big map of the whole system.

 

I pointed to the L-train stop at Montrose.

 

"Sie ist hier" You are here. (Red arrow)

 

Then I pointed out the Union Square stop (green arrow)where they could connect to the southbound 4/5/6.

 

"Sie gehen hier."  I pointed to the Brooklyn Bridge stop on the 6 train.(pink arrow)

 



 

 

 At this point my grammar had made one of the ladies quite bilious.  Sie ist grün.

 

Aha!

 

Enlightenment dawns.

 

Now the hard part.

 

"Haben Sie ein Metrocard?" Do all y'all have a metrocard?

 

Well no, no they did not.

Now how the hell they got ON the subway was a mystery, but we'd cross that bridge (ha!) later.

 

Fortunately I always carry a cash refill Metro card in case my prepay one doesn't work.

 

I check the balance. Not enough to get four ladies to 14th Street, let alone back to where they started.

 

My new friend realizes some sort of transaction needs to take place. She produces a credit card from her bag.

 

I punch in the amount they'll need, push refill.

The machine asks for the credit card.

We insert.

 

Then, it asks for the zip code.

She lives in Germany, thus doesn't have a zip code of any kind.

 

At this point, I'm not feeling too zippy myself.

 

But, an Angel of the Lord appears in an MTA uniform and asks if we need help.

 

Yes yes ja!

 

He punches in five fives.

Apparently that's the secret code for zip codes if you don't have a US address.

 

Presto, magic. The card returns to us, fat with fares.

 

The final challenge: getting through the turnstile.

 

I usher them to the entrance.

The first lady swipes the card but doesn't know she then needs to push through.

 

Hilarity ensues as I mime pushing the turnstile.

 

She gets through, but still has the card!

 

"Ich mussen die card use again!"

 

She is puzzled, but when I reach for the card, aha!

We repeat the swipe and push three more times.

 

Success!

 

I lead them to the stairs down to the platform.

There's another map.

I show them where to get off and transfer to "der grün line" the green line.

 

I'm praying they get on going south, but the signs will say "Brooklyn Bridge" so the chances are good.

 

They thank me profusely in German.

I understand not a word, but I get the gist.

 

We wait for the train.

Wir warten auf den Zug

 

As we journey to Union Square I wish I'd kept up with my French and German. The number of German tourists I've encountered on my street these past few months is a few more than zero. And all of them were lost.

 

And I wish I had that app that lets me type what I need to say in English, and they could read it in German. I know those apps exist because another lady who needed directions spoke Tagalog and the only thing I know about Tagalog is that it's NOT pronounced Tag A Log.

 

Ich liebe New York for a lot of reasons (MoMA being one of them), and I want other people to love it too. I guess I better get that app!

 

Wohin geht ihr heute?

Monday, November 13, 2023

"White Men Can't Get Published No Mo!"

 

Richard North Patterson wrote an op-ed piece in the WSJ (sadly behind a paywall) about how he couldn't get published anymore cause he was an old white dude.

 

After I stopped laughing, I realized he was serious.

 

There's a nice piece from Slate on the topic.

 


Richard North Patterson failure to secure a deal was NOT cause he was an old white dude.  His book wasn't compelling; his last book was ten years ago; and, he doesn't have a horde of fans slavering for the next book.

 

Social media is full about yammer blaming agents for gatekeeping and racism for their lack of a book deal.

 

Yes there are good books out there that don't get deals.

 It's important to realize that books by established authors (and oh my godiva there are many) are not published INSTEAD of good books by new authors.

 

There is never a moment in an agent’s office when she says "should I keep Felix Bestseller or go with Barbie New Girl."

 

Felix Bestseller has an established contract and has earned the agency beaucoup bucks.

Barbie hasn't.

 

Barbie might be added in addition to, but until Felix stops writing (or dies!) he's going to keep getting deals because readers are still buying his books.

 

Felix's readers aren't likely to pick up Barbie instead.

The publisher's marketing department knows this, and mercantile beasts that they are, communicate that up and down the food chain.

 

What's the solution?

Hell if I know.

I like Barbie.

I want to sell her books.

But I also need to keep my broom lubed and oiled, and the liquor cabinet stocked, so I'm keeping my mitts on Felix until he stops writing (or dies!)

 

 

 

So, what's the takeaway on this?

1. Drooling, slavering fans waiting for your next book is a big plus. That's why you have a newsletter.

 

2. Past success isn't a reliable indicator of future success, and it's less reliable with every year that has gone by. A bestseller in 1982 isn't much of a plus, usually. 

 

3. Don't blame racism for anything if you're a white guy. It's obtuse. 

 

 

 

As usual, differing opinions are welcome. Usual rules apply. No name-calling, no rants, and no personal attacks on other commenters.  If you want to bash me, take your best shot.

Monday, November 06, 2023

11/5/23 flash fiction contest results

 


 

 

Some of you confused hoard with horde.

(insert evil shark laugh here!)

 

 

 

Members of the Steve Forti Prompt Word Fan Club:

 

Gail

Tim Lowe

ParmCharm (with a lovely mention of my favorite color fuchsia!)

Colin Smith

LynnRodz

J.R. Raglow

 

 

Winner of the Steve Forti Prompt Challenge: Steve Forti, who used xylophone in a very distinct way.

Foiled AGAIN!

 

None of you took a guess about what provided the inspiration for this week's prompt words: Beowulf.

 

Herewith the semifinalists.

 

french sojourn

Anonymous Noise?

 

“Hi, name’s Hank and I have noise issues, more issues than National Geographic actually.”

 

The group whispers. “Welcome Hank.”

 

“I’ve lived a vengeful life; merely eating beside me pisses me off, unless there’s a T.V. blaring.”

 

“We’ve all experienced this, Hank.”

 

“My damn cat walks around intentionally stamping it’s feet.”

 

“Well… that might be a bit...” He rose and nodded. “It’s o.k.”

 

“I know people hoard their noises and lie in wait for me.”

 

“Well, I doubt...”

 

“And don’t get me started on those irritating voices in my head.”

 

“Alright people, good job today, see you next Monday.”

 

Great line: I know people hoard their noises and lie in wait for me.

Fortunately, I know the voices in my head are blog readers.

 

 

 

Beth Carpenter

“There it is again! That noise!”

 

“Go to sleep, Edna.”

 

“Who can sleep? It’s like a hoard of bees in my brain. Do something, Ralph!”

 

“Fine.” Lights on. Window opened. I lurk, a mere shadow, while he crashes about. Finally, he closes the window. “I think it’s gone. Happy?”

 

“My hero.”

 

Lights off.

 

A vengeful lust spurs me to act, but I must wait a little longer. Soon, he begins to snore. Just before she follows suit, I approach and whisper in her ear, “Hello. My name is Inigo Mosquito. You killed my mother. Prepare to itch.”

 

I had to stop and laugh for a full minute here.

 

 

 

 

InkStainedWench

"I am a mere scientist, a humble forensic herpetologist," he cried. "I am no warrior, but my heart is pure.

 

"And you? You are a noisesome fire-breathing theropod, roosting on your ill-gotten hoard! But I have tracked you down. I shall avenge the villagers and return their stolen xylophones!

 

"And the worst of it, you didn't want them for the melodies -- you wanted them for the scales!"

 

I had to look up theropod (I love new words. Then I had to suss out that the way you'd used it meant that you're relating dragons and dinosaurs, which I find amazingly clever.

 

 

 

 

Michael Seese

"You know what really anoise me? People who can't spell."

 

Perhaps you should look in the mere, I thought.

 

"Though I can live with the occasional faux pas heror there."

 

"Daddy," our daughter said, skipping in, "is a tomato a fruit or avengetable?"

 

"Actually, that question was addressed by the Supreme Court in…"

 

My mind wandered to another world, one where spellcheck isn't "some government plot to stifle free expression."

 

"Well," he said, placing his perfunctory peck on my cheek, "off to civilize the untamed hoards through the beauty of freshman composition."

 

Our daughter definitely is going to private school.

 

Unfortunately disqualified for posting a non-entry in the comment column!

Sari Michael!

 

 

Dimitrius Harmata

Night again. I hate nights because I’m only seven.

 

I hear scary noises outside the fragile shell of our apartment.

 

It’s just my dream, though.

I am no longer a mere little Soviet boy – I am now a middle-aged American. Yet, this hoard of dreams from my past life still inhabits me.

 

My mom – the hero that she is – hurries to the door clutching rubles.

It’s only kolkhoz folks selling stolen meat to city dwellers door-to-door. I exhale. We’ll have fatty borsch tomorrow.

 

Nothing to fear, no one to avenge. I can leave this little boy and wake up now.

 

Not quite a story, but VERY evocative.

 

 

LynnRodz

"Xylo, phone me quick, I hear noises!"

 

Xylo shook his head, his new bride of merely one month was frightened of everything, or was she? He had enjoyed playing the hero while they were dating, acting like one of the Avengers. Thor one night, Hulk the next, but now she was calling him at work daily. He'd wait until he got home to see what the trouble was.

 

~~~~~~~~~

 

"Honey, I'm home, what's this about noises?"

 

"Whhaat?" She emerged in a tiny negligee from the bedroom where she hoarded chocolates and gossip magazines. "Uhh...who was Captain America this afternoon?"

 

oh my!

 

 

 

Just Jan

A mere two minutes into the Holiday Mascot Support Group and everyone’s making noise: Twenty-four-hour shifts, rotten eggs—believe me, these folks ain’t heroes.

 

I keep my trap shut and my hoard under wraps. I’m about to refill my pint when in walks Elvis, slick, sequined, and sun-glassed.

 

“Dead Celebrity Support’s down the hall,” I say.

 

Too late. He spots the Big Guy talking to Cupid. “Santa’s real?”

 

Not just real--he’s a vengeful elf. “Who d’ya think brought you them blue suede shoes?”

 

“Seriously? Thanks, man! And if anyone asks, I wasn’t here.”

 

I smirk. “Neither was I.”

 

Very imaginative!

 

 

John Davis Frain

Supplementing writing income, Frain started a nighttime gig.

 

“Literary 911, what is your emergency?”

 

“I’m on Broadway watching a buxom blonde—”

 

“A walking cliché? On it.”

 

“Will you be coming?”

 

“And hoard all the fun? No, I send editors.”

 

Phone rang again. “I’m reporting a murder.”

 

Frain simmered at the voice. “Yesss...”

 

“Apartment next door. Lady killed her darlings.”

 

“Listen, if you call agai—” Click. He’d avenge that caller in his WIP.

 

Later…

 

“You’re a cowardly, self-destructive antihero—”

 

Frain didn’t accept AI (or second person!) calls, so he disconnected. Time for another stab at the writing gig.

 

Not quite a story, but no one can resist JDF!

 

 

 

 

And the finalists are:

 

NLiu

We knew the Silence was coming so we hoarded noise: water lapping on the mere at dawn, the crackle of an unwrapped Hero bar, the clumsy notes from a child’s xylophone. Sign language classes were oversubscribed; earplugs languished unsold.

 

We put our hopes in last-minute diplomacy, negotiating our sovereignty for sound.

 

It failed. There was nothing anyone could do.

 

The Silence rolled in.

 

We screamed and cried but couldn’t hear ourselves. The noiselessness was deafening.

 

There is only one thing left, now.

 

We will avenge our loss of Mozart, of laughter, of nursery rhymes.

 

We will take their eyes.

 

holy moly.

I mean HOLY F/ING MOLY!

I've come to expect great work from NLiu, BUT HOLY F/ING MOLY.

 

 

Madeline Mora-Summonte

Daddy,

 

Please don't be mad. I'm getting ravenge for what Mr. Crawley did to Jenny.

 

She rote about him in her secret diary.

 

Hoardes of angry bees keep buzzing in my brain, Daddy. I have to do something.

 

He'll let me in because I look like Jenny, and he wants another taste of what he did because it's always sweeter when no one knows, like when we sneak candy before dinner.

 

I'm sorry I took your gun. It will make a mess, smere his blood everywhere.

 

But its noise will make the bees be quiet.

 

I hope.

 

Love, Mandy

 

You guys just terrify me an awful lot of the time.

Grate writing!

 

 

 

Diana

The intrepid hero ventured stealthily into the cave and began to climb, certain that the mystical hoard at its heart would be hers. Others had tried and warned that it could not be reached, but she was no mere amateur. She would reach the end without disturbing the useless noise traps strewn about the lower ledges and alerting the monster -

 

Crash!

 

"Mittens? Are you in the pantry again?"

 

Mittens hissed with irritation, leaping up the ledges with a vengeance, but soon found herself firmly grappled well before she'd reached the tuna.

 

Stupid human. One day those cans would be hers!

 

If the Duchess of Yowl were still with us, this would be her choice.

 

 

 

 

And this week's winner is NLiu.

Nliu, drop me an email and let's figure out how to get you a delicious, tasty prize.

 

*****

 

Thanks to all of you who took the time to write and post entries.

They were great fun to read.

 

We're going to have a break next week so I can work on some blog posts that aren't flash fiction.