These are comments on the posts from today's whiparound on first lines.
Thank you to all the writers who bravely put their work out there for a gnawing.
Sarah G
Wheelchair-bound Michelle sees the world from a different angle, and is the first to notice her city is slowly disappearing.
As killer first sentences go, this isn't a clean kill. It's set up. The city is disappearing.
I'm also going to flag wheelchair-bound. Wheelchair user is what I've been seeing lately to describe people in chairs.
Kitty
Susie’s sixteen-year-old son told the school his mother had died.
Our assumption here is that she isn't dead.
A lot is going to depend on the next sentence.
Timothy Lowe
Hit man and part-time alpaca farmer Gabriel Garcia has got problems.
Juxtaposing hit man and alpaca farmer is funny of course, but this is too general to be enticing.
Kate
In twelve months, the supercomputer grafted to eighteen-year-old Sil Sarrah’s brain will kill her.
Ok, this works.
We want to find out, instantly, what happens next.
Stothers
When his father walks out on the family, Ryan assumes it is his fault.
This doesn't make me wonder what happens next.
LynnRodz
It's a time of hope and change in France, but for Michel it's a daily struggle to survive on the streets of Paris.
This is exposition. There's no sense of urgency or tension here. Is Michel homeless? Is he broke?
Is he stranded without his passport, money, and doesn't speak French?
c. sciriha
Seventeen-year-old Maia doesn’t remember her past lives.
Why is that a problem?
Melissa
Claire Luddig needs a makeover--What Not to Wear applied not just to her clothes, but to her life.
This is exposition.
There's no tension.
Aphra Pell
Rebecca Lydney knows the death of her maid will be called a suicide - she fears a murderer is counting on it
This is a start. I'd reorganize it: The death of Rebecca Lydney's maid will be ruled a suicide; the murderer is counting on it.
Lisa Bodenheim
Landscape shutterbug, Addison McDonel, hadn’t counted on having to enter a hospital again.
No tension here. Is Addison going in to shoot photos or cause someone shot him?
Cecilia Ortiz Luna
Miguel sets out to sabotage Emily Dunhill's nomination for the Cascadia Humanitarian Prize.
I'm always interested in nefarious goings on. I want to find out what happens next.
JulieWeathers
April 1861 and the nation teeters on the brink of war.
This isn't new information.
Bringing in a character and setting up some kind of problem will help: Felix Buttonweezer turned 16 in April 1861; it looked like South Carolina was going to celebrate by seceding from the union.
Obviously Felix is not in this novel (he's not even born yet) but you get the idea.
DB
Professor Peter Wright remembers everything.
yeesh.
But, why is that a problem?
SimonFrancisDowling
With his Dad in a comma, Francis Carter finds himself reflecting on his own childhood, and the strange events that landed him in New York City.
well, this is more of a synopsis than a killer first sentence.
And I know you're typing text with your thumbs here, but Dad in a comma is really funny.
C. Dan Castro
Trisha Leiferkus read 103 degrees on the “borrowed” thermometer.
yup.
Jenn Griffin
Batty Betty finds an abandoned young boy in her woods and takes him home--for keeps.
yup
Kat Waclawik
Ryena wants to go home.
why?
Mister Furkles
Miranda doesn't want to be a witch.
yup
Richelle Elberg
A pile of dead coyotes rotting in the desert is shocking, but it’s the discovery of two bloated human bodies--hidden amidst the carnage--that really gives Detective Em Thayer a jolt.
more of a synopsis than a killer first line
Dena Pawling
The other kids on the bright-white planet call her Smudge.
yup
Cheyenne
Elowen smiled as the needle punched her skin.
needles don't punch do they?
I notice those kinds of things right away.
Fearless Reider
The first lie was Cherry’s.
yup
Megan V
If sixteen-year-old theater aficionado Murphy Doherty wants to keep her leprechaun magic, then she must grant three wishes to the next person that captures her heart.
Synopsis not an opening line
CaroGirl
A mentally-ill black man dies during a violent arrest, and a city erupts in protest.
This is so unemotional!
Don't be afraid to be vivid.
Felix Buttonweezer thought it was a game until the police officers killed him.
Luralee
Being on display in a spiked iron cage on the hottest day of the year is painful and humiliating, but not as serious as his other problem.
yup.
Cause who doesn't want to know what that other problem is!
Four lights
Ashley should have been dead already.
yup
Sherryl and Meredith
DS Mal Forrest, on sick leave after being stabbed by an informant, is forced to return to his derelict childhood home to clear up the mess left by his dead father.
This is a synopsis not a compelling first line.
Sharyn Ekbergh
Gloria was crying when she called to tell me Dana was gone.
this doesn't make me wonder what's going on, or what will happen next.
Colleen
Complete at 79,875 words, LOSING IT? is a thriller with the flavor of Agatha Christie and Gillian Flynn mixed in equal parts, and topped off with a splash of Stephen King.
If someone asked you about your book, is this what you'd start with?
E.M. Goldsmith
Phaedra damned herself by chasing her murderer straight into Hell.
yup
travelkat
When a misfit South Dakota farm girl discovers that her mysterious blood disorder is really the result of magic, she decides to attend a supernatural boarding school on Martha’s Vineyard to try to find a cure for her curse, but when the school is attacked by dark forces, she must choose to embrace her true nature so she can save her school and the magical creatures in it that she has grown to love.
this is a synopsis not a killer first sentence
Just Jan
All Cecilia Brown wants is to enjoy Easter dinner with her family.
This doesn't make me wonder what's going on.
french sojourn
When Col. Charles Lockhart saw the fire burning in her eyes, he bought her, forever to be his little Dragonfly.
this doesn't make me wonder what happens next
Kate Higgins
This time she was absolutely, positively going to win, this time she was going to cheat the right way
yup
Lmnoyes
It’s not that I don’t love the men I sleep with. I just don’t love them after we get out of bed, or off the couch, the rug, or wherever we’ve satisfied ourselves”
yup
Unknown
At the age of eight I ran away from home – all the way to my backyard.
This doesn't make me wonder why.
Jeanne
Schoolteacher Alison Bountiful has a little problem and he's buried in her backyard.
It says nothing good about me that this feels a little business as usual.
Kelly
Seventeen-year-old Coralie Jones thought she knew what love was.
You need something more here, something that shows us how wrong she is.
NLiu
Carmine longs to be swallowed by a black hole; she hasn't reckoned on finding one at the back of a DIY store.
yup
Jennifer Delozier
Dead men tell no tales—unless their photos hang on the walls of Cassie McConnell’s crumbling Philadelphia mansion.
yup
Fearless Reider
Franny knows she can't keep dodging the sheriff.
This needs something more.
MacCarey
Stanton Porter realizes even her latest job with a traveling circus can't help her escape the shadow of her famous artist father when she receives a postcard from him, two weeks after he died.
This doesn't make me wonder what happened, or what's going to happen next.
Jen
Autumn wants nothing more than to live a normal life, but that’s hard to do when your dad is the Grim Reaper.
yup
Curt David
Thiago is pushed through a portal to a magical world...by his father
There's no sense of why this is the problem or the start of a story.
Kregger
Twelve-year-old Calvin Jones speaks to birds.
What's the problem with that?
Margaret S. Hamilton
Widowed Lizzie Christopher is building a new life as an interior design shop manager in Jericho, a small Ohio college town.
This is set up and backstory.
Mindy
The fate of every child is cast the moment they're born
there's no sense of story here. Nothing that makes me wonder what happens next.
Sara
Rebecca wants to be a real detective, but for now, she uses her sleuthing skills for geocaching, following GPS coordinates to hidden treasure.
What's the problem?
Any questions?
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