Ink Stained Wench Flash semi-fiction contest results!

We had a LOT of entries for this flash semi-fiction contest!

Thank all deities I had the foresight to limit the word count or I'd still be reading.

What works and what doesn't is largely subjective but there are a few entries here that do have useful, objective, tips!

Thanks to all of you who took the time to write and enter.

Here are the ones that stood out for me.

AJ Blythe said...

I’m an Aussie environmental scientist who has experience caring for native wildlife (the furry kind, not just my kids). Having previously owned a pooch with criminal tendencies, I am now shadowed by a schnoodle with separation anxiety.

That last clause is great!

Madeline Mora-Summonte said...

I'm a writer, a reader, a beach-comber and a tortoise-owner. Many of my creepy little tales are out prowling in print and lurking online. My flash fiction collection, Garden of Lost Souls, will give you a taste of my work. Just be careful something doesn't taste you back.

That last line really nails it.


Jenn Griffin said...

Jenn Griffin is an author and accountant who finds balance in life through conservative yoga, incautious reading and unprejudiced sarcasm.

Utterly appealing.

Megan V said...

Megan V is an ace attorney with a dastardly plan to escape the Arizona heat. All she needs is a good book, a comfy chair, and a dog. The first two have been acquired. The third...well...the neighbor cat has the final say on that and Megan is still waiting on her paw of approval.

Her Grace, the Duchess of Yowl thinks you are making a poor life choice.
And will be glad to enlighten you. At length.


Steve Forti said...

(there's gotta be a better blurb I can use)

I am a writer and IT project manager whose mind bounces between novels and flash fiction. I live in Massachusetts with my wife and two kids (though she’ll insist she lives with three kids). My work can also be seen in (list).

you left out nemesis.

Jessa said...

Jessa Kent is a bi-polar witch living in Virginia with the requisite cat. She lives in a house with one roommate (not the cat), and has a dark past including ren faires, horseback riding, studying acting in NYC, and a lamentably brief stint as a griffon trainer.

You had me at griffon trainer.

french sojourn said...

Hank Petterson writes Science Fiction and Police Procedural in Southwest France. He lives with his long-suffering wife, who he met while working as a stuntman in the adult film industry, and his daughter, five cats, and two dogs.
His pre-ordered gravestone (a gift) says simply….
“What are you lookin’ at?”

KariV said...

I grew up in the remote jungles of Papua New Guinea alongside a tribe of cannibals. To my knowledge, I’ve never eaten a human being. I have, however, been a ghost writer for bloodthirsty personal injury attorneys up and down the East Coast before switching to writing fiction.

 It's really hard to beat that first sentence.
And yet, that third sentence is utterly deft.

Katelyn Yaeger said...

An introvert with a knack for lurking in plain sight, Katelyn Yaeger prefers using her powers of perception for storytelling rather than espionage. Not before her second cup of coffee though and only after she’s stopped one of her seven siblings from starting World War III.

you had me at lurking in plain sight.

NLiu said...

NLiu was cursed with adventure-lust by her tome-reading father. Said curse drove her around the world, where she inconveniently fell in love. She now sports two mini readers and an eccentric vocabulary. She professes undying gratitude to anyone who writes a story still funny on the thousandth retelling.

This is endearing and hilarious.

Dee Garretson said...

After a research job toiling in the crumbling stacks of death certificate records, Dee Garretson now knows countless unique ways to kill people, so instead of setting up a boutique business to provide tips to assassins, she puts that knowledge to use writing mysteries.

Perfect

Bruce Harrison said...

My speculative fiction story was scheduled for publication when the magazine folded due to the health of the owner. I was so crushed that I stopped writing for fifteen years, only, after starting again, to have QueryShark publicly humiliate me for my query that, in her words (paraphrased), broke new ground in mistakes made.

You'd think that would discourage me, correct? Nay! I just completed my second novel, and am now looking for any agent not named Janet to take me on. I'd ask you to wish me luck, but we all know that, as the sage says, "it's not who you know, but . . ."

oh now wait a darn minute here!

Let's recall the EXACT words

It wasn't poor, it had interesting mistakes that no one had made before.
It was never bad, it just wasn't as effective as you need it to be.

The query doesn't suck exactly. It just doesn't work

Kathryn said...

Kathryn is a writer-illustrator who was raised in a science laboratory. Not as a science experiment, mind you, but rather as the daughter of an overzealous chemist who always took his daughter to work. Instead of cracking chemical equations, she prefers painting pictures of chemists and writing their stories.

This is funny but informative. Spot on.

shanepatrickwrites said...

Shane Patrick left a Wisconsin farm for the wilds of Alaska years ago. He’s been paid to climb mountains, float rivers, blow things up and fly helicopters. Shane chugs coffee and bangs on the keyboard every morning, excited to learn how the story ends.

Things about the writing process aren't effective in a bio (cause they're common to most writers who query) Your bio should be what makes you distinctive. I know that's hard but you did it well here in the first two sentences.

Kristin Owens said...

After 20+ years in higher education, the only thing my PhD has in common with writing is my dissertation topic: persistence. I write magazine articles on topics from apples to zippers. I travel the world searching for a good $10 bottle of wine. I speak fluent German and crappy French.

This does what a bio should: make you sound fun!

Karl Henwood said...

I’m a former cop and soldier, now living in Boise Idaho with my wife and son. Iraq got me shot at the way mail is addressed to ‘occupant’ and revealed a peacefully Zen place beyond burnout. Now I’m working to monetize all the real weirdness I’ve lived through fiction.

You forgot the best part:

Karl's dog

Kelly said...

As a person with narcolepsy, picture books are my favorite genre because I can read a whole one without falling … zzzzzz…. Oh, sorry. I dozed off there. Neurological disease aside, I’m currently a member of SCBWI, 12 x 12, and the NC Writers’ Network.

I love picture books too but not cause I have narcolepsy.
It's always fun to find you have something in common with a writer, but that's not anything the writer can control. 


PAH said...

PAH travels chrono-synclastic infundibula in search of the perfect waffle and the Universe's best opening sentence. His resume looks like he was throwing darts at a job fair: door-to-door salesman, substitute teacher, sportswriter, video-game-tester, almost-reality-TV-star, and ad copywriter. He is the world’s leading expert on Boy Meets World trivia. Probably.

This is perfect. I had to look up chrono-synclastic infundibula but I like looking things up.


Andrew Arno said...

When not writing Andrew Arno spends most of his time trying to keep various helicopters from getting blown up and enacting dark rituals designed to ensure that the Buffalo Bills win the Super Bowl. So far, success in the former has counterbalanced abject failure in the latter.

This is perfect.


Jacqueline H. said...

All the things your mother told you would never happen have already happened to Jacqueline, who sits in her loft, surrounded by cats, and writes about them.

Prince Charming showed up on a white horse to take you away?!
I KNEW it!

Theresa said...

Theresa is a desk chair time traveler always on the lookout for the scrappiest women in American history.

You had me at scrappiest.


The Noise In Space said...

Noise is a time traveller who absolutely, positively was not present at the the theft of the Hope Diamond, and no one can prove otherwise. She paints in the bathtub, gives culinary history lectures about the origin of cookies, and very much enjoys meeting other people's imaginary friends.

That first line is a keeper

TS Rosenberg said...

Tracey S. Rosenberg is an avid traveler who’s visited Easter Island and North Korea (not on the same trip). Her muse is a Jane Austen bobble-head. She lives in Scotland with a long-haired man and a short-tempered cat.

That last line is particularly splendid.



Pericula Ludus said...

Pericula Ludus researches disaster responses for a living. She is particularly interested in how people act in extremely stressful situations, but tries to hide such experiments from her students. Any similarities between distressed fictional characters and students on deadline day are purely accidental.

 Utterly compelling and fascinating.


Timothy Lowe said...

A high school English teacher and father or two, Timothy Lowe writes crime fiction. He swears he's not as homicidal as his characters, although thanks to his daughter's Netflix account, he does harbor a deep and disturbing desire to murder the "Fuller House" laugh track.

Not so disturbing really.

Diana said...

Diana is a silicon valley software engineer, an insect lab survivor, and a huge bird nerd. She's raised mealworms (for science), mice (for science), and endangered crane chicks (not for science). Fortunately for her, writing provides a respite from the bugs in labs, crane chick snacks, and code alike.

 you had me at insect lab and bird nerd.
This is hilarious and great writing.

KDJames said...

KDJames is a nocturnal introvert and professional liar. She has raised two children, several pets, and a wild rumpus. A long-time RWA member, she'd cheerfully become a Crazy Cat Lady if not for the attendant litter boxes. Her favourite meme T-shirt reads: "Sorry I'm late, I didn't want to come."

 You had me at wild rumpus!

Gabby said...

Gabby has been awful at office work, done pretty well in prop-making and now juggles writing and illustration with raising children and pot-plants. The children seem to be doing OK, the pot-plants… well, some haven’t died.

You're growing cannabis and kids.
Why didn't I think of that?

Melanie Sue Bowles said...

MelanieSueBowles is the traditionally published author of three nonfiction books about horses taken in at her sanctuary, Proud Spirit. She is currently shopping a middle grade about a downtrodden donkey. Ironically, MelanieSue just took in a donkey who was dumped on a rural road and tragically hit by a car.

When querying agents you don't need to say traditionally published cause that's our default assumption. 

Also, I hope the donkey is on the mend!


LynnRodz said...

Throughout Lynn's adventures living in 8 countries and traveling to more than 60, the worst happened when the boat she was on capsized in the Atlantic and she was caught underneath. A close second happened while busking throughout Europe she was told she'd be paid to stop singing. She stopped and was promptly paid. Now all her boating and singing happens in her bathroom.

This is terrifying and funny--that's a great combo.

T.C. Galvin said...

T.C. Galvin is an Australian writer/economist-in-training who is working on replacing sleep with coffee. She has a concern of heights, so naturally has taken up aerial acrobatics as a hobby. Her free time involves collecting books and raising plastic pot plants.

plastic pot plants has to be something that doesn't survive translation to US-speak.
Which is a good reminder that if you're an Aussie etc (ie not in the US) you might want a beta US-native speaker to vet your stuff. While we mostly get it you don't want confusion about whether you're growing cannabis to distract me from your query.

John Davis Frain said...

I’ve published six short stories (Flash Bang Mysteries, Detective Mystery Stories & others). I’m a member of Sisters in Crime and [City Redacted] Writer’s Guild. You can judge my unique style—suffice to say, I’m seven degrees separated from Kevin Bacon. When I’m not writing, I mostly wish I was writing. Balance Schmalance.

I didn't get the Kevin Bacon reference.

Android Astronomer said...

Physicist-barista Brian Wells discusses quantum mechanics with customers when not making words and lattes. He's managed to give fictional characters the wherewithal to save the world, save the solar system, and even save the universe from malevolent and incompetent forces. (Salvation of the universe is still pending completion of WIP.)

You had me at Physicist-barista.


Just Jan said...

A healer of creatures great and small, I spend my free time baking babkas for my mother-in-law and desperately planning my next vacation.

This is gorgeously funny.


MaggieJ said...

When MaggieJ was eight, Toronto swallowed her village without even belching. Years later, she escaped to Eastern Ontario where her ancestors had put down roots long ago. She can often be found sojourning in the fictional nineteenth-century town of Houghton where she meddles shamelessly in the lives of its townsfolk.

That first line is perfect.


julie.weathers said..

I was a Speedhorse Racing Report lead writer doing race and human-interest stories for twenty-five years. In another life, I had a prison ministry and wrote inspirational stories and personal letters to our 2,000 students. This has nothing do with writing, but I'm also a former lady bronc rider.

You had me at lady bronc rider.
Oh wait, that's not so.
You had me at Julie Weathers.

Branden Sampson said...

Big strong construction worker by day, geeky fanboy by night.When I first read Harry Potter my world shifted. Inspiring me to put pen to paper, writing quickly became a pass-time and flourished into a passion. Mixing the grim world we live in with fantasies that are somehow even darker.

Generally bios that include how much you love to write aren't as effective. That first line is great. And honestly, it's really all you need.


Sherin Nicole said...

The CIA offered Sherin Nicole a scholarship to college but she’s too secretive for espionage, instead she writes paranormal comics, movies, and TV shows that no one suspects are true.

I love the twist in that last part of the sentence. That's an ideal element in a bio.

Kat Waclawik said...

I'm a vet (both kinds) and a mom, which means I can expertly wrangle whiners of any rank, age, or species. (My secret weapon? Snacks!)

There is a vibrancy here that says "Kat will be a hoot to work with" which is EXACTLY what you want!

Gypmar said...

Gypsy Martin was born to hippie parents who did not foresee her name becoming politically incorrect over the course of her lifetime. She has worked as a receptionist at a siren factory and as a school lunch lady, and has raised two sons to their teenage years. She still retains her hearing, if not her sanity.

You had me at siren factory.

CED said...

CED writes about the magical and the horrific hidden just under the mundane. In his spare time, he wrangles bytes and warps young minds (not necessarily in that order) as a manager at an internet company. He once was a mathematician, so he’s got words and numbers both covered.

That last line is perfect.

C. Dan Castro said...

When Dan isn’t reading about foreign cultures, studying languages, or traveling strange lands, he invents:

1. New cultures

2. Inhuman languages

3. Exotic worlds

Dan knows he’ll continue distinguishing reality from fantasy as long as he doesn’t start writing about himself in the third person.

You gotta love a guy who writes in third.
But can you love a shark who writes in second?


Panda in Chief said...

Anne Belov writes and draws panda satire. She believes in the healing power of pandas, panda videos, and cake. Living in the Pacific Northwest, she hopes one day to find pandas hiding in the woods behind her house. You can find her on Twitter @PandaChronicle and http://yourbrainonpandas.com

You'd put your twitter handle and website BELOW your signature in a query, rather than in your bio.
Example:

Thank you for your time and consideration,
Anne Belov 
@PandaChronicle
http://yourbrainonpandas.com

janet haigh said...

J. A. Haigh was raised in the wilds of Tasmania and her writing is full of magic and myth. Her work has been published in such places as ASIM, Gaia: Shadow and Breath, Syntax & Salt and Aurealis. She lives in Newcastle, with her two delightful rug-rats and their witty father.

I'd look up Tasmania on the map if I saw this in a query. I've heard of it, I have an idea where it is, but when someone mentions it this way, I dig into the maps. ALWAYS looking for a reason to get to the maps!

Claire Bobrow said...

Claire is a driver on the road of life, elbow out the window, one hand on the wheel, stopping at roadside attractions, and still searching for a token to The Phantom Tollbooth.

I love this cause it's whimsical but compelling.


Kitty said...

Kitty Myers is the most un-interesting person in the world who mines other people's lives for her stories. She does not drink Dos Equis, and she wears a t-shirt that warns people: CAREFUL, OR YOU'LL END UP IN MY NOVEL.

Some of you really do need help saying good things about yourself. Yea Kitty, I mean you! You're one of the kindest, most gracious and thoughtful people I "know" here. Maybe your bio should just be my email address so I can tell people that.



Five that stand out particularly, and have earned prizes are:

Andrew Arno
Pericula Ludus
Android Astronomer  

Dee Garretson  

PAH 

If you'll drop me a line at jetreidliterary (gmail) and let me know your mailing address and what you like to read, we'll get you your prize!

"Start over" does not mean "you failed"

I've told two recent queriers "this doesn't work, here's why, start over."

I can't begin to imagine how that feels on the other side of the computer screen, but I bet not good doesn't begin to cover it.

When you're a new writer it's hard to believe that "start over" does NOT mean "you suck."
It does not.

When you're an experienced writer, it's hard to remember that "start over" does NOT mean "you failed."
It does not.

When you're published with countless revisions under your belt, it's an effort to remember that "start over" isn't a sign you're losing your abilities.
It is not.

Start over means you figured out something that doesn't work.


Start over means we now have a better idea of where the story really begins, and need to revise from the top.

Start over means it's worth working on.

But, time elapsing between hearing start over and remembering what it means is pretty long the newer you are at writing. Years sometimes.

It's never minutes, or hours and most often it's more than a day.

So when you hear "start over", rush to EBay, buy a shark voodoo doll, a large quantity of extra sharp pins, and a case of hooch. Apply as needed.

But, after a day, remember you and your novel are not failures.
You're just not street ready yet.

Get back under the hood, here's a wrench, it looks like your flux capacitor needs patching up. I have just what you need right here:

Results from yesterday's flash semi-fiction contest will be posted Saturday 3/30

The Ink Stained Wench flash semi-fiction contest

Ok, I confess to having a bit of a shark crush on anyone named Ink Stained (anything), but now  it manifests with a touch of humble pie, since I called her Ink Stained WRETCH for a while!

The post on creating the bio section of your query prompted her comment:

InkStainedWench is an author and poet who leads a life of quiet anonymity until she hears the opening chords of "Mustang Sally."

Well!



But it gave me a new idea for how to torture you for my amusement!

This week's flash semi-fiction contest is to write a bio using 50 words or fewer (akin to the example above).

Does it have to be true? Well, sort of.
The standard: would you put it in your query letter? Yes? that works. No? that doesn't work.

In other words, this is supposed to be fun AND actually useful!

Do you have to use your real name? No, you can use your Twitter handle or any other name you want. 

Where do you post your entries? In the comment column of THIS blog post. Starting NOW!

Contest opens Wednesday (3/27)  at 11:35pm, and closes Friday (3/29) at 7am.

Of course there are prizes. 

Questions?
Tweet to me @Janet_Reid

I'm boring

I always laugh when writers say they struggle with the bio section of a query. Of course all y'all do! You're woodland creatures who wouldn't tell someone you were on fire unless you'd already googled "instant fire extinguisher delivery services."

You like to sit at your keyboard and make up things, not dance the fandango in waterfront dive bars.
Your characters are riveting.
You yourself (you think) not so much.

I garundamntee you 100%, full money refund, that is NOT true.
You just don't know what other people find interesting about you.

This is where your BFFs are helpful.
Tell them you need to write three things about yourself.
(don't use the word "interesting" cause then you'll star that self-censoring stuff that caused this problem in the first place!)
Ask them to help.

If you need prompts for this little descript-a-thon, here's a list:

1. Why are your children wild ruffians?
2. Which section of the library would you live in, if you could?
3. When did you last forget to eat because you were nose-deep in a book, and which book was it?

4. What book made you want to be a writer?
5. What book made you wonder if you could ever write that well?
6.What single event shaped your life significantly?

7.  What is your guilty pleasure in books?
8.  If you could be a character in a book (not your own) which one would you choose?
9. Do you follow a professional sport?

10. What superpower would you give your kids or your sweetheart?
Bonus points: Name one of the superpowersLaSlitherina Herself, the estimable Barbara Poelle has (yes there's more than one)---oh! Wait! Flash fiction contest theme???


If all else fails, talk about your dog.

You meant cat, didnt you, Thumbs?

Things I Used to be Nicer About

1. Absurd word counts
Honestly, if you've done any preparation at all for your new career as a writer, you should realize word count is something to pay attention to.

If your novel is 25K or 225K I'm not going to explain this to you because you're so sure you're an exception to the laws of profitability you won't listen.


2. Describing women by how they look with nary a mention of character.
I'm done with this. 100% done with this. I'm not going to explain myself. I'm going to pass.


3. Telling me you're ignorant about how publishing works.
The internet isn't a new toy.
Research isn't a new fangled app.
There are books, apps, blogs, and people who will come to your house and tutor you one on one.

Querying while ignorant doesn't work. I'm not going to explain that. I'm sure as hell not going to coach you.  I'm going to pass.


4. Failing to mention that all your previous books are self-published.
Did you think I wouldn't notice?
Pass.


5. Being unable to use the tools of the trade.
If you don't know how to use word processing software, attach docs to an email, and use email, I'm going to pass on your written query. We're long past the point where this is something new.


6. Pitching multiple books in one query. 
The purpose of the query is to entice me to read, not tell me you have a book.

Understand the difference.


Do I sound testy?
I am testy.
I know the readers of this blog would never do any of the things on this list, of course; I'm just venting after some not-so-quality time in the queryfields this weekend.

The Duchess of Yowl objects in the strongest possible terms to this jpg

Has your Sunday gone to the dogs?

Murphy

I'm plotting World Domination this lovely sunny Sunday.  You?