Submission fretting fuels the rodent wheel

Through a combination of good fortune and by diligently following your guidelines I'm happy to say I am now represented by a fantastic agent, with my manuscript currently on submission.

By any standard I should be incredibly proud of that achievement, and I AM, though some two years into the publisher submissions process and more than a couple dozen rejections in, I'm finding it hard to know where things exactly stand.

I recently read Alexander Chee's How To Write An Autobiographical Novel, in which he mentions that the submission process for his first novel, Edinburgh, went for a similar length of time and for a similar amount of rejections.

This was tremendously helpful to me.

At the same time, I know there are writers who have been out there for far longer, and with many more rejections, either ultimately successful in publication or not. So: I don't think my place on this spectrum is remarkable in any way, but I AM finding it hard to find resources that shed much light on what to expect when it comes to expectations for writers on submission, and who have been on submission for some time.

In that vein, I hope you could answer a couple of questions that I am too embarrassed to ask my own agent.

1. In the hopes of getting a better sense of what to expect re: chances, is there a generally accepted ballpark number of how many US literary fiction imprints - independent, big 5 or otherwise - are out there?

2. Is there any even remote publishing industry equivalent to Hollywood's Black List? Or, to re-phrase, do editors ever talk across publishing houses, imprints? Or to re-phrase yet again, does a manuscript's slowly accruing history of rejection contribute in any way to any sort of stink for current and future consideration by completely different editors at different publishing houses?

3. Are there any nightmare submissions scenarios you and your authors have experienced that you might share to entertain and terrify us poor woodland creatures?

(1) You could probably tally them up, but the number of imprints isn't the info you need. It's how many editors there are, and does your agent know them. 

(2) No

(3) You don't have to look too far this week to see the one that scare us all.
Or how about the one that happened to me some years back: sold the book, got the money, the author had completed the copyedits only to learn the entire division was being shuttered. No book. We got to keep the money of course, but oh man, that just plain hurt.

Or how about being told after 19 books that you're not getting a contract for #20 cause the publisher is cutting the list in half.  Been there, done that.

There are lots of ways for things to go south, but if you focus on that you might as well go home now. It's not whether something untoward is going to happen; it will. The test is how you (and your agent) deal with it and move forward. 

Here's what you need to remember: Phil Spitzer, an agent I admire and respect a great deal, kept a novel on submission for 18 years before it sold. The author? James Lee Burke. JLB is one of the finest writers alive. And it took 18 years.

I've sold novels that were on submission for nine years.
I've got novels NOW that have been on sub for two+ years.

There is no real comfort in this, I know.

Start doing what you love: writing.

Employment contract includes right of first refusal on any book

I just started a new job writing content for a non-profit. This organization sells books and has ties to a privately-owned publisher (both non-fiction and fiction imprints). Because the nature of this organization's work is so wrapped up in publishing and writing, as a content creator, my contract includes a "Right of First Refusal" clause for any books I write (though they seem pretty chill about it).

Questions:

1) How do I mention this when querying agents?

2) Does this tell agents: "Hey! He writes for a living and has connections with a publisher." Or does it tell them: "This dope signed a dumb contract that limits where I want to send the ms... pass!"

Holy Hosanna! Don't do this again!

You are not an indentured servant here. Work done on your own time should not belong to your employer.

I hope the clause contains a time limit. You show them the work, they have X days to buy it. And please god, I hope the phrase "mutually agreeable terms" appears, or they can buy it for zippo and there's not much you can do about it. It would be nice if it specified what kind of book is covered/not covered as well.

These kinds of clauses are never in the writer's best interest, and even if you employer insists on including one, you should negotiate some modifications.

All that said, you need to get clearance from your employer BEFORE you query.

If I invest five hours in reading your manuscript, another two in talking to you, and however many in writing up notes, I'm going to be HUGELY annoyed if you break the bad news that I can't sell this after I've invested the time.

Get the clearance in writing.

When you sign a trade publishing contract, the warranties clause expressly says you warrant that no one else has claim to this book. The last thing you want is your employer coming out of the woodwork claiming title. And yes, if you have a hit movie based on the book, this kind of stuff happens All The Time.

So, never do this again. Now that you have, get your clearances in order before you query.

In answer to your questions, (1) yes, but you also include that you have a clearance, and (2) the latter, sort of and definitely not the former.

Now, pull up a seat at the bar here cause I think we both need a medicinal beverage after thinking about this.

Any questions?

#BadAgent (oh man, NOT kidding)

This popped up in my Twitter feed yesterday:

Of course  my blood ran cold.
And I can't imagine how much it terrifies writers.

But after the gasping and the wailing and the rending of garments, the next question is "how the hell would you know she was forging offers?"

The way we heard the story, she told clients she had gotten offers that were "bad" and had turned them down on the author's behalf.

That's a HUGE RED FLAG. Reputable agents don't turn down (or accept!) offers without consulting the writer first. Sure, offers get turned down. When they are, the author and I made that choice together.

But if she's forging the offer, how would you know?
This is so rare, you'll probably never need to know BUT:
If you're suspicious ask to see the original email. If it doesn't have the headers of the publishing company, you know you've got problems.

This agent had sold stuff.
We all knew her, many of us liked her.

It's clear she's slipped off the rails in a very terrible way, destroyed her own career and damaged the writers she was supposed to be helping.  There's no silver lining here; this is an all around disaster of life lesson proportion.

Actually there is a silver lining of sorts: a lot of agents have raised their hand to be resources for the writers affected by this situation.  It's nice to see that kind of instant, here-let-me-help response.

Here's your chance to turn the tables and critique me!

Here's your chance to turn the tables and critique me!

I'm doing a workshop at the upcoming Writers Digest Conference in August.

These are the handouts for the workshop for writers NEW to the query process.  If you're new, you can really help me out here by telling me (in the comment column) what you don't understand, a term you don't recognize, or anything else that puzzles you. Please don't be afraid to "look stupid" because you're NOT. You're learning and we all learned this stuff, even me.

And if you're wondering, at least three other readers are wondering too.

Effective Query Letters for Writers Jumping in to the Query Pond

1. A query letter is what you send to an agent to introduce yourself and entice her to read your full manuscript.

A. By introduce yourself, I do not mean "Hi my name is Felix Buttonweezer"

B. By entice her to read I do not mean "Hi my name is Felix Buttonweezer, and I've written a book that will knock your sox off!"

C. Avoid the temptation to do something new, innovative or "more sensible" when querying.

(2) The one thing you must do in a query is tell me about the story:

Even in character driven books, someone  (usually the main character) has to want something.

Example: In The Hunger Games, Katniss Everdeen wants to save her sister's life

Example: In every Perry Mason novel ever written, Mason wants justice for his clients.

So, what does Harry Potter want?

Resist the temptation to build the world, include a synopsis (that's a separate document) or tell me EVERYTHING.

(3)  Getting plot on the page: once you know what your main character wants, what's keeping him from getting it? (What/who is the antagonist?)

(4) Getting stakes on the page: how will your main character have skin in the game? What will s/he have to sacrifice, change, give up to attain her goal?

Stakes are why we care.

It's essential to show me why I will care about what happens if you want me to read the book.

(6) Close with "thank you for your time and consideration. (thanks Dena!)

(7) The bad news: this is true for memoir as well.

 (page two)

General tips (there will be examples when needed on the overhead projector, but NOT on the handouts)

1. Queries should run about 250 words, excluding the pages you are asked to send with the query.

2. Don't put your contact info or my name/address at the top of the query.

3. Don't tell me what I'm looking for UNLESS you are querying in reply to something specific like #MSWL

4. Don't tell me you followed the directions. I can tell when you didn't.

5. Some agents like queries to be personalized. I think it's an utter waste of time, but pay attention to whether you need that.

6. Most agents get annoyed if you spell their name wrong. Some of us get over it more easily than others.

7. Don't worry about making mistakes. There is no such thing as the query police nor a black list. The worst thing you can do is not query.

8. Obsessing about following the directions will not make the difference between yes and no.

Personalization doesn't change no to yes.

A misplaced comma will not kill you.

9. There are lots of ways to screw up. The only one that is fatal is bad writing.

Signs of bad writing: homonyms, spelling mistakes, grammar mistakes. Describing women by how they look, men by how they act. Describing any woman as a blonde bombshell (i.e. cliché and BAD ONES)

10. Rejection isn't personal (although I never take it well either.)   

I have to turn down GOOD AND PUBLISHABLE  books that don't fit what I'm looking for, are too close to something I have already, I don't think I can sell, are on a topic I really can't get too excited about, categories I'm not strong in. Every single agent in the world does the same.

11. If you've only revised 10 times, you're barely getting started. I routinely revise 20+ times on my "query" letters (which are pitch letters to editors). 

Contest results!-FINAL

As usual there was entirely too much talent on display here. Picking a winner is no longer about picking the best entry cause there are TOO MANY GOOD ONES! Really youse guyz! Dangle a participle or two, will ya??

Also, thank you all for slaying my spell Czech. After this post, he stormed into my office, threw his red pen on my desk, and resigned effective immediately.

Herewith the results. Spelling not verified!

Just when I think I've got him confounded, Steve Forti stymies me again!

“Woo hoo! I found him. He's dynamic. I typically scout pitchers, but this catcher was a magician.”
“Yeah? What's his name?”
“Yogi Berra.”
“Yogi? That's funny. So can Yogi be a good fit?”
He smirked. “He can be r-”
“Rare talent level good?”
“For real - ie, worth the first pick. Don't hem and haw. Keep his name on top of your draft board.”
“Just tell me he doesn't joke he's smarter than the average bear.”
Another smirk. “I didn't make the obvious word play here, and trust me, he never will, either.”

This isn't quite a story, but it's outstanding in several ways:
1. It's about my subway
2. I had to look up three words (want to guess which ones?) and
3. It's about my subway.
Also: Canberra!

Alina Sergachov

Sudoriparous straphangers stink. But boisterous bucket
beaters are even worse. They call themselves “drummers”. Ambitious, huh. A
kwela it’s not.
Subterranean preachers. A special level of hell I endure daily.
Showtime.
La Cucaracha ya no puede caminar
porque no tiene, porque le falta
una pata de atrás.
Woo... Hootenanny about a cockroach that has lost one of its legs should be
illicit.
Ya murió la cucaracha
ya la llevan a ente—

Can be—

—rrar.

—defined as “atrocity” for sure.
In short, all was well on the Brooklyn bound L train till a man got on at Union
Square station.

Not quite a story, but outstanding

Dan Castro 

Imitating Homer Simpson, I yelled: "Woo hoo. I won Sam Hawke's 'City of Lies.'"
"Not good enough," Janet said.
"D'oh! Give me direction. What if I break the words up? Say Homer likes 'Hee Haw,' kestrels, amaretto--"
"Ludicrous."
"What about interruptions? Like, I want, I w-- Ooh! Oolong tea."
"Nope."
"What if I use Latin abbreviations?"
"You won't!"
"I will! I.e.--"
"No!"
"Et al., e.g., op. cit., ya know?"
"HUGE NO!"
"Acronyms?"
"Woo hoo?"
"World...Organization...Of... ...Holistic--"
"Better off with oolong tea."
"So you're giving me direction? Go for interrupted--"
"I'm not giving you anything. Especially 'City of Lies.'"

Here are the entries that were real standouts for me.

JustJan

Dear Sire or Madam:

I am applying for the position of tying instructor at your city office.
My qualifications are impeachable. I have eyes like a hawke.

I would very much lie to be part of your company and would appreciate
the chance to woo hoo in person.

Very Truly Yours,

Sam I. M. Keene

****

Dear Sam:

Thank you for your delightful application. Regretfully, this posting has
already been filled.

We are, however, searching for someone to coordinate our breakfast buffet.
Suffice it to say the job is yours if you want it.

Regards,

Canberra Typing Services

None of you mentioned the sheer brilliance of this entry so I'm going to inquire if you got the joke.
If you note the missing letters (you realized there were missing letters, right?)  they spell out PUNK. It took me three passes to get it, but I knew there was something hidden so I went searching.  My guess after looking yet again, is that I still didn't get the whole joke.

Still, this is funny and clever, and I loved it.

BrendaLynn

East India Trading Company,
4 Getta Way,
London, England.

Dear Sirs,
My felicity is forever destroyed.
Your Captain Hawkeye has besmirched the fairest and most pure-minded of
maidens: namely, my fiancé, Miss Hymenoptera A. Bandond, who in June sailed on
the Fancy Lass bound for Australia. She joined his cutthroat band the day she
boarded the ship and has since quit her missionary position entirely. What will
happen to the undeserving of Canberra now, I ask you?
Your guarantee of a safe passage is a lie.

Sincerely, a litigious American customer,

W.O. O’Hooligan III
Boston , Massachusetts

This just cracked me up. From "Miss Hymenoptera" to "quit her missionaary position" this was clever clever clever.
 

Madeline Mora-Summonte

Deer Momma

I shouldn't open the door when your working, but Mister Sam
said it was an emrgenz. The city is full of flew bugs!

We're going someplace safe, sekret. He'll keep a hawk eye on
me until you come. He's a nabor, not a stranger so it's okay. And I scarred of
bugs.

Missus Woo came, yelled NO GO! ALL LIES! Missus Woo hooked
her fingers into claws, scratched Mister Sam's face! They fighted until she
fell down asleep.

Mister Sam screamed HURRY! so I am.

Don't be scarred, Momma. See you soon!

Your sun Marty

This made me gasp out loud.  The story is icy, but what elevates this is that it's written in a vernacular of sorts, but you still understand every word. That's not as easy as it looks.

Timothy Lowe

They let him lie until the thaw. Kept the dowry themselves.

Moved on to Tucson. Wealthy city, no snow. An army of suitors to woo.
Hoofprints in the sand, harder to follow.

Same plan, different circumstances. But Molly was getting edgy.

“I’m sick of poison.”

“It’s the easiest.”

“Why can’t we just hit them with a shovel? More fun.”

“You’re impossible.” They needed the shovel. No use denting it.

“And why do I always have to be the sister? Always a bridesmaid.”

“Shut up.”

After Tucson, Canberra. Softer ground, little snow. Molly hated Australia, but
she was past complaining.

My new favorite sentence:  “Why can’t we just hit them with a shovel? More fun.”
And of course, that little twist at the end makes this delightful. 
 

Marie McKay

Samson Hawkens had been a ghost for a year. He'd tried to find his place in the city. He'd let out a 'wwwoohooo' to scare passers-by but he gained no pleasure from it. On buses, he'd lie across passengers' laps until their spines tingled. That only served to make them feel more alive, and he more dead. He'd rattle sticks on school fences. The kids would cry. Often he'd cry too.
Some days, he'd visit himself in the hospital, kiss his wife, touch his daughter's hand, not sure whether he was ready for them to pull the plug or not.

I had to read this twice to fully grasp the story.
Brilliant work. 

Let me know what you think!
Final results when I recover my wits.
(ok ok, we all know THAT's a lost cause!)


After another pass (or three) at the standout list, Madeline Mora-Summonte is the winner.

Congrats Madeline! Send me your mailing address and your prize will soon be winging its way to you.

Thanks to all of you who took the time to write and post entries. It was a great pleasure to read your work! 

No contest results?! .... here's who to blame!

In a fit of housecleaning mania I decided to wash the floor in my office yesterday.
It's a wood floor so it's Murphy's Oil Soap and a special mop.

Mop mop mop.

All set.

Only I forgot that with the high humidity yesterday, it was going to take a couple hours to be dry enough to walk on, rather than the usual 30 minutes or so.

Ok, no problem, I'll plop down on the couch and read. And it just so happens a new book rolled in this week: Last Call by Paula Matter.

I've been friends with Paula for years, and when I saw her recently at Malice Domestic and she mentioned her upcoming book, I ordered it on the spot.

It inveigled me from where it reclined on the to be read pile, giving me the come-hither eye as only a new book and new author can do.

I capitulated, of course.


Three hours skated by.
Then another.
By the time the floor was dry and I'd finished the book, it was time to fall into the shark hammock and swim off to the Land of Nod.

Of course, only when the cold cruel light of daybreak hit my eyeballs, did I realize I'd forgotten to read and post the contest results.

I think we can all agree, the blame for my slacking off rests entirely on Paula Matter. In fact I think I'll review Last Call on Amazon with the title "Paula Matter has much to answer for." Four stars of course, but much to answer for.

Contest results...well, hopefully today.

Got your Rosco?

Say hello to Rosco!
He's a very good boy.

Rosco knows several dogs with important jobs:
seeing eye dogs
police dogs
military dogs
therapy dogs

Rosco has a very important job too!

He takes his human on long thinking walks.
He listens when his human needs to read aloud.
He's really understands the pain of those rejection letters.
He is an Author Dog.

He is a very good boy!