The Feline Intervention Required flash fiction contest

Well, it's been a week, yes indeed.
I actually had to subscribe to the Washington Post cause I'd read my ten free articles by 10/3 and the news was happening too fast to not actually be able to read about it right then. (I also subscribe to the NYT and the WSJ so you know it was dire.)


I'm also hanging around with my orange friend Loaner Cat this weekend. And cat petting turns out to be a very good antidote to the news cycle!

pigeon patrol!

That's definitely something to celebrate,so let's have a writing contest!

The usual rules apply:


1. Write a story using 100 words or fewer.

2. Use these words in the story:



cat
splat
post
time
wall

3. You must use the whole word, but that whole word can be part of a larger word. The letters for the
prompt must appear in consecutive order. They cannot be backwards.
Thus: cat/catastrophe is fine but cat/chat is not.

4. Post the entry in the comment column of THIS blog post.

5. One entry per person. If you need a mulligan (a do-over) erase your entry and post again.  It helps to work out your entry first, then post.

6. International entries are allowed, but prizes may vary for international addresses.

7. Titles count as part of the word count (you don't need a title)

8. Under no circumstances should you tweet anything about your particular entry to me. Example: "Hope you like my entry about Felix Buttonweezer!"  This is grounds for disqualification.

8a. There are no circumstances in which it is ok to ask for feedback from ME on your contest entry. NONE. (You can however discuss your entry with the commenters in the comment trail...just leave me out of it.)

9. It's ok to tweet about the contest generally.
Example: "I just entered the flash fiction contest on Janet's blog and I didn't even get a lousy t-shirt"

10. Please do not post anything but contest entries. (Not for example "I love Felix Buttonweezer's entry!")

11. You agree that your contest entry can remain posted on the blog for the life of the blog. In other words, you can't later ask me to delete the entry and any comments about the entry at a later date.

12. The stories must be self-contained. That is: do not include links or footnotes to explain any part of the story. Those extras will not be considered part of the story.


Contest opens: 8:12am, Saturday 10/15/16

Contest closes: 9am, Sunday, 10/16/16


If you're wondering how much time you have before the contest closes: click here.



If you'd like to see the entries that have won previous contests, there's an .xls spread sheet here http://www.colindsmith.com/TreasureChest/

(Thanks to Colin Smith for organizing and maintaining this!)

Questions? Tweet to me @Janet_Reid
Ready? SET?

Not yet!

ENTER!

Sorry! Contest closed at 9am.

 

9 reasons I did not request more pages

 

1. You are confused about the distinction between fiction and non-fiction.   

This is an absolute deal-breaker for me. You can write one or the other. Memoir is non-fiction, as a general rule, even if you're taking poetic license on some elements.  

How you will avoid this: do not use the word memoir AND novel to describe your work. Do not use the words non-fiction AND novel to describe your work.  If you are unclear about what you are writing you should not be querying.

2. A non-fiction proposal that is too broad to be reasonably addressed in a book length work. "Peace in the Middle East" is an example. "Ending Violence" would be another. "Why Barbara Poelle Loves Vodka" would be on that list.

How you will avoid that: Be able to answer the question "what problem does your book address."  The problem isn't war in the middle east, it's the things that lead to war. You need to address the things that lead to war. 

3. Querying for a second, third, or fourth novel in a series that was published by someone other than who you want to publish with now.

How you will avoid this: moving a series mid way through is VERY hard. The only reason a publisher will be interested in picking that series up is if you've sold REALLY well.  If I run Bookscan numbers on your title and come up with anything less than 10,000, it's probably a non-starter.

4. Querying for a book with what I think is a ridiculous premise

How you will avoid this: you can't and should not. The worst thing that will happen is I send you a rejection letter. Other agents can and will love your work. If you don't believe this, you should know that when my colleagues and I have an after-hours Read the Queries party there's always at least one query that half the room loves and the other half doesn't get at all.

5. Telling me in detail about why another agent didn't pick up the book.

How you will avoid this: Don't ever mention what anyone else thinks or did in a query. Even if you think it increases your chances with me. It Does Not.  I'm not likely to think a book a top-notch agent couldn't sell is something I'll run the table with.  Let me fall in love with your story, not your querying history.

6. A query that I literally did not understand. (All the words were in English, I double-checked)

How you will avoid this: Have someone beta-read your query, and not someone who depends on you for their livelihood or their home. In other words, objective beta readers. If they can't answer the question "who is the hero" in ten seconds, you have a problem. If they can't repeat the precipitating incident or what's at stake in the novel in 30 seconds you have another problem.

7. A query about a book that has a political agenda.

How you will avoid this: story first. Any point you want to make should come from the story being told. And please, leave your intended message OUT of the query. I reject these books without even reading the pages, cause I've NEVER actually liked any book I've read that had an overt message.

8. Word count is too short.

How you will avoid this: know the word count requirements for novels. Anything under 80K gets the fish eye from me. Anything under 50K gets an auto-reject.

9. The query talks about the theme of the book

How you will avoid this: don't do it. Tell me about the story. Tell me what matters. Tell me what happens that wasn't supposed to and how the characters are dealing with this challenge. Do NOT tell me about the theme. (See also #7)

I'll just be under the duvet, weeping

I've never been quite so depressed after reading a publishing memoir as I was this weekend.

Avid Reader by Robert Gottlieb (an extraordinary editor) in and of itself is not depressing. A lot of people might read it and enjoy it.

Me, I'm fixated on the fact he read incoming novels overnight and got back to his writers the next day.  THE NEXT FRIGGING DAY. And he did this all the time. Not only on rush jobs. Not just on important books. All the books.

I gaze upon my list of requested fulls and just weep.

And then there's the fact I'll not only never be as well-read as the Avid Reader himself, I'll never come close.

And of course, he was at S&S and Knopf back in the day before Bookscan and the tyranny of the P&L sheet.

There are some other problems with this book (as in a complete lack of any kind of exploration of challenges faced and overcome)  but I'm too depressed to come out from under the covers and discuss them.

(My favorite books about publishing are Margaret Mitchell's Gone With The Wind by Ellen Brown and The Most Dangerous Book by Kevin Birmingham--interesting that both are about books first and people second!)

Send choccies.

Wait, you want what when?

I sent a query to an agent this morning and received a request for the full and a synopsis this afternoon. I'm through the roof, but also panicking. The full isn't an issue, but I don't have a synopsis. I have a full of the same manuscript out to another agent currently and they never requested one, so it just hasn't come up. My question is, do I write a slap-dash draft and send as soon as possible, do I respond and explain that I don't have one but that I'd be happy to draft one, or do I have some time to get back to her? I don't want to commit a rookie mistake that costs me my chances, and I don't know the etiquette when this happens.

Well, there's nothing you can do here short of calling the agent and telling her she's a dunderhead for asking for a synopsis that would cost you your chances of representation. Since, we know you're not going to do that (being a blog reader, and a person of common sense) stop worrying.


Here's what to do:  email Agent Speedy Gonzalez and say you don't have a synopsis ready right now but you will soon. 


Then get your tail feathers in gear and write a synopsis. You're going to suffer mightily doing this, so lay in the choccies and the vodka and your favorite movies.


You should plan to have it done in no less than five days from sending the email.  If she's as quick as she seems, you don't want to keep her waiting much longer than that AND you don't know if she reads the synopsis before the manuscript (some agents do.)


Me, I burn the synopsis while chanting invocations to the publishing deities.


And of course this serves as a gentle reminder that before you query, you have a synopsis ready. And a completed manuscript.  Yes querying can take forever and you might be tempted to start before you finish the novel, but this is a classic illustration of why you don't do that.

No Questions Asked contest FINAL RESULTS

 
-->

A couple of you are confused about the meaning of the words "start the story" but that's ok, we'll work on it later.

As usual, you rose to the occasion and tormented me with a lot of very good writing.

Herewith the standings:

The Steve Forti Award for innovative use of prompts

Lochlan Sudarshan 1:37am

"No questions! Ask Ed."

Too creepy for words!

Michael Seese 8:52am

A wonderful sentence!

Rachel McCauley 10:03am

"He approached me on the corner of desperation and sinless with an irresistible proposition."

I may have nightmares about this for the rest of my life

Claire Bobrow 8:55am

And since I live alone, I'm tempted to employ this strategy myself

lizosisek 9:00am

Lovely lyrical opening

Mallory Love 9:05am

No questions asked: no questions to answer. Instead, they perpetually linger, unspoken in the spaces between.

Not quite a story but a gorgeous subtle piece

Sherry Howard 9:08am

Not quite a story, but I really want to know the daughter and/or see the noseplug necklace!

Kate Higgins 6:21pm

Not quite a story but it cracked me up

John Davis (manuscript) Frain 12:40am

Finalists

Steve Forti 8:52am

No questions asked. It’s the best return policy. I hate the judging looks when they ask why, or what’s wrong with it, or act like I should have kept a receipt.

No questions suits me. Hassle free. But I do worry about regret. What’s the opposite of buyer’s remorse?

I thought I wanted it at the time. A drunken impulse. But I can’t afford it. It’s better off with a different owner.

That’s what I tell myself as I set this one down in a cradle at the hospital’s baby safe haven. It’s for the best. No question about it.

Oh that nice little twist there in the last paragraph! How beautifully Steve sets us all up wit "buyer" and "it" and "receipt."  

After you realize it's a child, the whole story takes on a macabre tone that settles behind your eyeballs and gives you nightmares.  

This is gorgeous story telling couched in Amish-plain writing. In other words, a whole lot harder than it looks.

Amy Johnson 9:06am

No questions asked.

No “What’s the average length of admission?”

No “Will I at least get a private room?”

Mama was a journalist, for pity’s sake. For forty-two years she asked questions. Thousands of questions. Started off questioning local authorities and residents in her small town. Then big city folk. Then world leaders. And I followed in her footsteps. I’m trying to, anyway. But not to this. Not this. I couldn’t bear it. She couldn’t bear this. If she knew.

If more of her were left, I know the question she’d be asking now: “How can you leave me here?”

I like how Amy turned the sense of "no questions asked" around here. And of course, ending with a question like this really makes the story. 

sdbullard 10:25am

No questions asked at the scene.
One tiny room with a prejudiced mirror.
Two officers for the interrogation.
Three hours before I ask for a lawyer.
Four months to get to trial.
Five gunshot wounds, point-blank to the face.
Four hours for the jury to deliberate.
Three decades behind bars before I get the needle.
Two kids, abused, desperate, did the only thing they could to protect themselves.
One innocent man takes the fall.
No regrets.

This format of starting with numbers is recurring here, but it's still a difficult form to do well, and this story does it well indeed. And of course, the penultimate line twists the story beautifully. Very nice work here.

Nate Wilson 10:51am

No. Questions Asked: 5
No. Clear Answers Received: 0

Q1- 911. What is the nature of your emergency?
Q2- Understood. What's your location, ma'am?
Q3- I assume you cannot speak freely?
Q4- Are you in immediate danger?
Q5- Last question. Does he have a gun?

A1- No, I don't really have time for a survey.
A2- I thought our landline was on the no-call list, but if there's a prize...
A3- Beats me. Maybe... once a week?
A4- Come now, don't be rude.
A5- That's no defense. She and I always--I've had enough. *click*

No. Vehicles Sent: 3

This is utterly breathtakingly brilliant.
For those of you in the comment column who didn't get the gist of the story, look at the first two words each of A3 and A4 as answers to questions 3 and 4 in the Q section.

What really appeals to me is the incredible brave choice of NOT writing this as dialogue.

And the use of the prompt in the first line, amazing.

I'm in awe here. Just flat out awe.

Curt David 11:45am

“No?” Questions asked.

“Ms. Mark timidly votes against banishment.”

“Yes!”

“Mr. Point strongly in favor. Mr. Dash?”

Em answered, “Yes, because -”

“Because the press don’t use it!” Apostrophe interrupted.

“Less confusion. I vote no.”

“Even with Mrs. Period’s vote, the Oxford Comma is officially banished.”

Mr. Period replied, “I am disappointed with Mr. and Mrs. Parentheses, Hyphen and Semicolon.”

“I ain’t part of the Parentheses family; you assterick!”

“Ms. Mark, your girl and you can go to Wite-out.”

“Who blabbed about my affair with Mr. Period?????”

Pandemonium erupted. A revote was quickly cast. All were happy again.

Well, almost all.

The only way this could be more fun is if it were in color.  I love this! I love the subtlety of Em Dash. And assterick is hilarious. 

CarolynnWith2Ns 6:57am

“No questions asked?” I said. “Not even one?”
“Nope.” He looked pleased with himself, like when he went mute after I asked if I was beginning to look fat.
“So, let me get this straight. This is our fifth anniversary of dating, third living together. After a romantic dinner you take me to Lover’s Leap, tell me how much you love me and how excited you are about the big change about to take place in our lives. Still no questions, not even one?”
“Nope.”
One question answered.
“He fell.”
Raising a baby on your own can’t be that bad.

This is lovely horror! No questions? Not even one? I'm not sure I'll ever hear those words again without thinking of this story.

rpostupak 6:58am

No questions asked?

-No; questions asked.

Still, I'm sure you hid it well.

-Still I'm sure you hid it. Well?

Of course! We agreed the diamond belongs to me.

-Of course "we" agreed? The diamond belongs to me!

What, is this a twinge of conscience I hear? A laugh!

-What is this? A twinge of conscience! I hear a laugh.

You'd better not have brought the police--

-You'd better not! Have brought the police!!!

You've been found out?

You've been found. OUT!

Holy moly. Just frigging holy moly moly moly.
Honest to godiva, you scare me with your talent here.


I'm going to let the results sit overnight, then see what y'all think in the morning.  I'm having a hard time making a final choice (how often have I said that!) and sometimes the cold clear light of afternoon reveals all.

Plus, I'm watching the debate and I'm not sure I'm actually in my right mind.


Well, I'm back now, Monday afternoon, and the debate was really more than I can even talk about, so let's talk about the entries instead.


These are all really good and it came down to the two entries that experimented with form.  It says a lot that it's not enough to just write well in these contests anymore. The last few have turned on choices of style and form.  In other words, you guys have upped the game here a  LOT in the last year.

I can't decide between Nate Wilson 10:51am and  rpostupak 6:58am so I'm not going to.

Two winners this week, both exquisite and both making bold choices in form and style.

Congrats to you both!

WIR awol...again!

It looks like the WIR is absent again!
Clearly I'm lalllygagging about.
(clearly!)

In place of the WIR, meet Cedar.

This is Cedar, my gaunt, 19 lb Maine Coon cat. He has a sister, however she thinks photos are très undignified.

Cedar does not approve of the lack of a WIR.