"persistence and humility can pay off in the long run"

 Dear Your Sharkliness,


Many months ago, you answered a question on the blog for me.  I was going to a conference to read my opening pages to an agent and gain feedback from the agent and the other writers. 

I went to the conference, pages in trembling hand.  I took everyone's main advice, which was to sit there with my mouth shut and my ears open.  Both agents I had the privilege to meet gave me similar feedback. I smiled, nodded, and took feverish notes.  My fellow writers also gave advice (sometimes contradictory); I wrote it all down.

It should be noted that clearly some of the other attendees do NOT read the blog.  They challenged each other and the agents.  I tried not to visibly cringe.  The agents were lovely.  Their responses were something along the lines of, "I've been doing this for over a decade, and your word count is really too low, but maybe you are right and you are the exception." One person tried to shove a paper copy of his manuscript into an agent's hand.  The agent politely gave him her card to refer to her submission requirements on her website.  To her credit, she did not try to shove it up his nose.

I queried the agents I met at the conference, after making changes.  Both requested fulls.  Both rejected the fulls.  However, one gave me some lovely feedback.  I realized I needed a break from that manuscript. I took some of the big picture advice I gained from the conference and wrote a new manuscript.  I queried that, and signed with an amazing agent this week.

In conclusion: thank you Janet, for your advice and for this community.  I understand why writers want to cry bitter tears into their shark fin soup, it is so difficult.  (Or maybe that's just me.)  But this has taught me, again, that publishing is a long game and persistence and humility can pay off in the long run.



      

Interacting with agents on Twitter

Rejections sucks, no two ways about it, and it's particularly painful if you feel a connection to the agent. And, Twitter can make you feel connected; it's one of the things Twitter does best.

Thus it can be painful to see an agent chatting merrily away about this that and the other, after she's just (demonstrated her complete lack of taste and sense)  rejected your manuscript.

Of course you don't want to see her.

I suggest muting the agent rather than unfollowing. Unfollowing feels hostile to the recipient. Muting is invisible. She'll never know, and you'll never see her (unless you want to.)

On the other hand if, post rejection, you decide to just unfollow cause who the hell needs her anymore anyway, well, that's a fast way to shoot yourself in the foot with some agent. Not me of course, I won't even notice, cause I don't keep track of who follows me, but some agents do, and why alienate someone in a fit of pique particularly when voodoo dolls are cheaper, and much more painful?


But the larger question of whether to interact with agents on Twitter is a different kettle of fish. It can be a good way to establish a connection of sorts. It certainly doesn't hurt if I recognize your name if you send me a query.

What we all (agents and writers both) need to remember is that writers are woodland creatures, and agents are T-rex.  By that I mean a T-rex strolling around the forest looking for delicious kale to take home and stir fry makes a lot of noise, and rattles the woodlands. Woodland creatures are shaken, and madly flee the T-rex's feet.  What the T-rex sees as merely walking around, the woodland creatures see as impending doom. And neither of them are wrong.  It just depends on what size your feet are here.

Writers tend to watch every word an agent says, scouring every turn of phrase for clues. Agents on the other hand have been known to just...yanno...yammer. Twitter is more yammer than anything else, and if you're a writer you should NOT try to parse out tweets for hidden meanings unless it's overtly about publishing. (Hint: #pubtip, #queryTip #FusterCluck etc. are reliable indicators it's about publishing.)

So, can you be friends with a T-Rex? Sure. Carefully though. Very very carefully.

The Answer is Meatloaf

In your blog, you briefly touch on the topic of overdone subjects/storylines, and as a reader, I can completely agree that just because you call a chocolate cake 'better than sex cake' does not change the fact that it is still simply a chocolate cake with whipped cream topping. Regardless of the name, it will still taste the same. Now, as a writer, my thoughts on the subject are slightly different.

My question is: If, like myself, a writer finds their 'genius' pointing them in the direction of a redundant topic, *cough* werewolf, how can they be sure that their story is original enough to stand out? Also, as a literary agent if you were to read a query for a story, such as my own, would you automatically stop reading it the moment you realized what it was?

Best Regards,
Unprocessed Chum  

You've certainly given the right example. When my urban fantasy colleagues howl about shopworn topics, werewolves and vampires lead the list. It's very hard to get their attention for novels with either.

When you elect to enter the world of trade publishing, you've essentially signed up for people to ask "why should I pay for this book." It's not enough that it's good, or a good story, it has to stand out from books they already own or have read.

I like to think of this the way I think of meatloaf.

I really like meatloaf. I make it using the recipe on the back of the Quaker Oats box. I may change a few things, but it's essentially the same as what millions of other meatloaf lovers are making.

Were I to open the Shark Cafe (ie enter the world of trade cooking) and serve meatloaf, how would I personalize it so that a customer bellying up to the counter and ordering meatloaf would not say "hey, this is exactly like the recipe on the Quaker Oats box!"

Even though I like that recipe a lot, I need to personalize it to make it my own.

And that's what you have to do with werewolves and vampires, and alcoholic ex-detectives, or soon to be ex-detectives, or down and out lawyers, or sinister billionaires plotting world domination, or any of the other characters that have been around a long time.

A great example of putting your own spin on both werewolves and vampires is Dana Cameron's Fangoborn series. This started out as the short story The Night Things Changed (nominated for an Edgar!)

Charlaine Harris and Stephanie Meyer both added their own individual twist to paranormal tropes to make them distinct.

The answer to your question of how to be sure your query is original enough to stand out is two-fold: first you've got to be so well-read in the genre that you know what everyone else is doing. Second: you have to show me you're different by what you write in your query.  Just say "werewolves and vampires" and we're done.  Say "werewolves and vampires are all part of the Fangborn family" and you've intrigued me to read more.

As for when I stop reading: if the writing entices me, I keep reading. There are lots of very good books that described simply in terms of their "ingredients" wouldn't sound all that special, but the writing livens things up a lot. In other words, give me a forkful of meatloaf, not the recipe.

Shopping an offer

I recently received a query that mentioned an impending offer of representation. Shortly thereafter, a follow up email said the writer did indeed have the offer, but wanted to give me a chance since they liked the cut of my jib.

Well, this ship has sailed, and here's why.

Unless the offering agent has embarked on a three-hour tour aboard the SS Minnow, you're asking me to drop everything I'm doing for the next two days to read and evaluate your manuscript, then talk to you. Trust me when I tell you that is a Very Big Ask.

Aside from the size of that ask, you don't do this is because what you're doing is called shopping the offer and it's considered very bad form. Remember, the purpose of a query letter is two fold: tell me about your novel, and show me you're not an asshat. Shopping an offer is textbook asshat.

So what is shopping an offer?

Shopping an offer is sending initial queries to agents saying "I have an offer/I think I'm getting an offer." Shopping an offer is sending initial queries to agents to see if you can essentially trade up.

Once you've got an offer you stop querying until you've said yes or no to the offer. You notify agents who have the FULL; you notify agents who have had the query for less than 30 days; you do NOT query anyone new.

This means you need to be judicious in who you query first. If your first query is Felix Buttonweezer at Readem, Cheatem and Fleecem LLC, just to test the waters and see if your query is working, and he offers, you're stuck with saying yes or no to him before you query any further.

This is yet another reason you do not NOT NOT query one agent at a time, or offer exclusives. If you get an offer from one agent, you must say yes/no without any further querying.

And I can hear all you devious loophole finders thinking "how the hell will they know??" so I will remind you this is a very small world and many of us know each other. One writer famously shopped an offer from an agent at a writers conference the offering agent's friends were attending. Agents Amused, Confused, and Annoyed watched the author go from agent table to agent table (at pitch sessions) collecting interest like souvenirs. It won't surprise you to learn the initial offer was withdrawn.

Another idiot writer took an offer to a conference, met with several agents without mentioning the offer, only to discover we all knew her because the offering agent had worked on the manuscript in revisions for almost a year and had talked about how much she liked it. Initial offer withdrawn. Subsequent offers not forthcoming. Writer unrepresented to this day.

This is EASY to avoid by behaving like a pro.

And the balm for you: this applies to agents as well. When an editor offers, I'm not allowed to take that offer and start pitching new editors. I let all the editors who already have the project know there's an offer, but I don't pitch new ones. Editors get very crabby if they suspect their offer is being shopped around, and I don't blame them one bit.

What that means for me in terms of strategy is that I pitch my top tier first. And that means I better have my pitch fine-tuned, and the proposal or manuscript in tip top shape before I make that first call.

Any questions?

The Single Sentence Writing Contest results

This was a tough contest to judge. Just after the contest closed, we were shocked with the news of another vicious crime of gun violence, this one taking the lives of 50 people. I think all of us are still in shock. I know a couple of you deleted your entries.

My appreciation for dark twists in story lines ebbed a lot on Sunday.

Of course there is some terrific work here, and with some extra time to gather my wits, herewith the results:

Special recognition for a great line:

Craig 9:57am

Then the chainsaw slipped, I swear it.

Not a story, but yow, what an entry

tell me later 2:35pm

There’s a time when you stand with a gun in your hand when you trialed-and-errored past the line in the sand but your conscience is clear if your logic is late and as the world turns pitch black yo--

wait!

As usual we just need a whole separate category for Steve Forti. Not only does he always have something interesting to say, he uses prompt words in a way that boggles the imagination.

For Sale: Nagging wife. Previously used. Full disclosure: Once it starts talking, it won’t ever stop. It changes moods without warning. Expensive tastes. Good cook, though. Sold as is. All offers considered.

Free: Lazy husband. Previously useful. Distinct lack of manliness. Hair everywhere but on its stupid shiny head. Clogs toilet daily. Good luck convincing it to rake the damn leaves.

Wanted: Sense of humor. And cure for “headaches”.

Wanted: Sharp knife, preferably serrated.

Help Wanted: How to get rid of --- Oh no you don’t! This is my line. Hey! Ow!

Help Wanted: Good lawyer.

The Duchess of Yowl makes an appearance!

Megan V 9:33am

Not quite a story but damn funny

Erin Szczechowski  11:50pm

Here are the finalists

Colin Smith 10:14am

THE DAILY TIMES

Dateline: Saturday, June 11, 2016

Page 3
Police are still investigating the mysterious death of James “Butterfingers” Willoughby, owner of Jim’s Bakery, 211 Fourleaf Road. Mr. Willoughby’s body was found in an abandoned log cabin near Oak Woods last Friday. He suffered multiple stab wounds to the chest and neck. Anyone with information please contact Kernville police at 555-2141.

Page 6
WANTED: Tiffany pitcher. Red floral pattern. 1920s. One of a pair. Name your price. Contact M.W. 555-2137.

Page 7
FOR SALE: One set steak knives. Lightly used. $10. Contact molly182@gmail.com.

Colin gets a gold star for putting two prompts so close together it took seven tries to find it: pitcher. Red.

I like the subtlety here. Nothing is overt but what happened is very clear.

Just Jan 4:04pm

(-ology) A branch of knowledge

(methodology) Stray text message, clearly not intended for me

(ophthalmology) I spy my errant wife in the park sharing secrets with him

(neurology) My trigger finger twitches as I drag the gun from its holster

(audiology) A blast, a high-pitched yowl, deafening chaos

(pathology) Massive hemorrhage from the bullet wound

(cardiology) Heart rhythm flat-lines before the paramedics can arrive

(psychology) Serious error in judgement--she never strayed

(criminology) Guilty by reason of temporary insanity--the man I killed was her therapist

This is an unusual form, which drew my attention of course, but the story didn't rely on the form to be interesting and have a twist. That's what makes it stand out.

Sara Halle

    My new book's liftoff paralleled that of an unswung yoyo.

    While my agent cautioned, "Sales take time," I wasn't in the mood for logic.

    Then I heard of a guerrilla marketing firm that could place me atop the social media loop. Itching for readers, I quickly signed on the dotted line.

    But instead of eager buyers at my next event, there were only moaning, mangled bodies strewn across the floor. And in the corner, a big ape glowering in a cage.

    "What happened?" I cried.

    An out-of-breath animal wrangler glanced at me. "There are risks with gorilla marketing."

This has everything I love: it's about publishing; it's actually a clever warning; it uses homonyms to make a point, and best of all: HILARIOUS.

Beth 5:22pm

“Someone has to maintain community standards.” Ada jabbed the doorbell.

“I’m not sure it’s wise to alienate your neighbor.”

“Nonsense.” She lived to terrorize the neighborhood. You should see her blog – line after line yowling about lack of manners, pitching fits over unmown lawns and unleashed dogs.

When he opened the door, Ada stared him down. “Mr. Smith, is something wrong with your garage?”

“My garage?”

“You park in your driveway.”

“So?”

“It’s rude.”

“Rude?”

This was going nowhere. I stepped forward. “Your police car. It’s scaring away her clients.”

His eyebrows lifted. “Mary Kay?”

“Mary Jane.”

Ada nodded. “Rude.”

I would have left off the last line for a stronger ending, but this is still pretty darn hilarious.

sdbullard 11:34pm

They owe me. After all I've done. If they think I'll go unrepaid, they're in error. I'll take what I deserve. I'll swallow them whole, spit children bones out, revel in every bite.

They owe me. I finally rid them of that man always chasing them. The metal didn't bother me. I'd been Hooked on his flavor for years.

But now they don't want to pay for that service. One boy would suffice. Otherwise, I'll just take them all.

I slide on my belly toward their hideout.

Logic says to start with the flying boy.

Tick tock.

Their time is almost up

I love the phrase "Hooked on his flavor for year" because it's both a clue, and a good sentence. Even if you don't recognize it as a clue, you wouldn't think "wait, what does this mean."

Scott G 11:56pm

I’m a virgin and I need a marriage license.

I wanted to shout from atop the steep-pitched courthouse.

Not the part about being a virgin anyway.

The clerk logged into the database to pull up our names.

Holding hands, we waited.

Several minutes of typing. The clerk scowled. “I keep getting error messages.”

My heart sank. I guess she’d have found out sooner or later.

I gulped, stifling a yowl. “Try first name Barbara.”

I searched for understanding in my fiancé’s eyes. Would this change things? Please, no.

Worry lines appeared on her forehead.

“Try first name Steve,” she said.

It took three reads to fully grasp this. Absolute subtle perfection.

This one was easy: the winner is ScottG 11:56pm.
Scott, if you'll email me with your mailing address, I'll get you a copy of the prize book.

Thanks to all who entered for your time and writing. It's always a pleasure to see the work in these contests.

And now, back to contemplating what one person can do to stand against gun violence. If anyone has any ideas, let me know.

Sadistics from the query trenches

(contest results tomorrow-6.14.16)

This rundown was sent to me by a blog reader:

Statistics from the query trenches, February-June 2016:

328 queries sent (mostly US/UK agencies, a few Canadian)

8 still active - 3 partials, 3 fulls, 1 r&r, 1 "if you can't find an agent with the manuscript as is and are interested in doing a major revision, I'm happy to discuss." [This agent, by the way, actually
phoned me. On the phone! Like old school. Amusingly, I was on a train in Switzerland at the time.]

120 - actual rejections (includes a few partial/full rejections)
200 - NORMANs

The NORMANs broken down by category:

60 "if you don't hear back by [date], it's a no"
26 "if you don't hear back, it's a no"
114 simply didn't respond (3+ months)

Mentioned in dispatches: Fine Print Literary Management, three of whose agents were queried sequentially, all of whom responded within two weeks (though one of those rejections was covered in paw prints as if a cat had been frantically pushing it aside to get to the tuna beneath).

Take-home lessons:
a) SOME cats don't understand how bribery works.
b) I am a masochist, but by golly, no one's going to tell me I didn't query enough.
c) I guess those 128 are the place to start if/when I have to go through this all over again.
d) 60% NORMAN?! Is this NORMAL?!

(No problem if this isn't suitable for the blog - I just thought it might be interesting. Or horrifying. Or, most likely, both.)

Horrifying indeed.
30% of the agents you queried couldn't be bothered to reply.
Frankly, I'm embarrassed for my colleagues.

Does this match up with what other querying blog readers are finding?

contest results?

sorry chums.
I'm behind.
Contest results up tomorrow (Tuesday 6.14.16)

No WIR this week

Sorry chums, I ran out of time to do the WIR this weekend.

I can just see you all right now, thinking "what the holy moly have you been doing to NOT do the WIR?"