Saturday, May 26, 2012
Words fail me
Thankfully I know writers. One of them will tell me just exactly how hilarious and weird and amazing Jeff Somers actually is.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Thursday, May 24, 2012
So, what's in it for me?
You want me to do something? Judge a contest? Attend a conference? Guest blog? Bring the cannoli; leave the gun?
These are favors. You're asking me for a favor.
Sadly, but not unexpectedly, the default answer is no thank you.
Since you want yes and not no, here's what to consider when you ask: What's the value of doing this to the person I'm asking?
If you're asking me the favor, this is what to think about:
Does it benefit a client? If it does, the answer is not the default no.
Does it benefit FPLM? If it does, the answer is not the default no.
Is this a return favor? (as in you promoted one of my authors or helped me when I needed a favor?) Then the answer is certainly not the default no.
Consider carefully what the person you're asking will consider a benefit.
You want to drive traffic to your blog? No benefit to me.
You want to promote your book? No benefit to me.
You want to raise money for a worthy cause? Why that one and not a cause I've supported?
You want an agent at your conference? You want me to judge a contest? You want me to guest blog? You want me to critique pages? So do a lot of other people. You have to show me the value of saying yes.
I've had people tell me with a straight face (mostly cause I think they actually believed it) that
--being on their blog would give me more visibility;
--attending their conference would help me get in touch with writers;
-- judging a contest would bring me potential clients.
None of those are actual benefits that accrue from those events (and my keyboard didn't survive the visibility one) nor are they things I want to accomplish.
I want to promote my clients.
I want to promote my agency and colleagues.
I want to contribute to causes I support.
Figure out how your request will help me do that, and when you email to ask the favor spell out how it does any one of those three things, and your chances of yes get better.
For example: you want me to do a guest post on your blog? You'll tell me how many readers it reaches and that you'd like me to talk about clients with books coming out soon and you'll do a giveaway or some other promotional event for the client.
You want me to attend a conference? Tell me you've asked one of my clients to also be on the faculty and their books will be for sale.
You want me to judge a contest? You'll mention that my client's books get mentioned in your group newsletter.
If you think that "this will be a benefit to the writing community" is something I'd want, you're right, but I've already chosen how I'll help the writing community at large and I'm generally not going to do more than that (QueryShark, local conferences and MWA)
There are a lot of things I do for the good of the industry but don't assume your favor is going to be one of them. Spend some time thinking about the value to me, and your chances of yes increase.
And if you think this is selfish beyond belief and demonstrates a complete and utter lack of kindness, well, good, cause that reinforces my mean and sharkly image: an immediate and direct benefit to me!
These are favors. You're asking me for a favor.
Sadly, but not unexpectedly, the default answer is no thank you.
Since you want yes and not no, here's what to consider when you ask: What's the value of doing this to the person I'm asking?
If you're asking me the favor, this is what to think about:
Does it benefit a client? If it does, the answer is not the default no.
Does it benefit FPLM? If it does, the answer is not the default no.
Is this a return favor? (as in you promoted one of my authors or helped me when I needed a favor?) Then the answer is certainly not the default no.
Consider carefully what the person you're asking will consider a benefit.
You want to drive traffic to your blog? No benefit to me.
You want to promote your book? No benefit to me.
You want to raise money for a worthy cause? Why that one and not a cause I've supported?
You want an agent at your conference? You want me to judge a contest? You want me to guest blog? You want me to critique pages? So do a lot of other people. You have to show me the value of saying yes.
I've had people tell me with a straight face (mostly cause I think they actually believed it) that
--being on their blog would give me more visibility;
--attending their conference would help me get in touch with writers;
-- judging a contest would bring me potential clients.
None of those are actual benefits that accrue from those events (and my keyboard didn't survive the visibility one) nor are they things I want to accomplish.
I want to promote my clients.
I want to promote my agency and colleagues.
I want to contribute to causes I support.
Figure out how your request will help me do that, and when you email to ask the favor spell out how it does any one of those three things, and your chances of yes get better.
For example: you want me to do a guest post on your blog? You'll tell me how many readers it reaches and that you'd like me to talk about clients with books coming out soon and you'll do a giveaway or some other promotional event for the client.
You want me to attend a conference? Tell me you've asked one of my clients to also be on the faculty and their books will be for sale.
You want me to judge a contest? You'll mention that my client's books get mentioned in your group newsletter.
If you think that "this will be a benefit to the writing community" is something I'd want, you're right, but I've already chosen how I'll help the writing community at large and I'm generally not going to do more than that (QueryShark, local conferences and MWA)
There are a lot of things I do for the good of the industry but don't assume your favor is going to be one of them. Spend some time thinking about the value to me, and your chances of yes increase.
And if you think this is selfish beyond belief and demonstrates a complete and utter lack of kindness, well, good, cause that reinforces my mean and sharkly image: an immediate and direct benefit to me!
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
VENGEANCE!
I have to laugh at the irony of leaving finalist #9 off the original ballot, because of course #9 is the overwhelming favorite of the blog voters!
Then, once I caught that mistake, I forgot to open comments up again for the voting.
It takes a strong grip on your mental health not to lapse into paranoia when you see stuff like this I'm sure!
The entry the blog readers chose is:
She might tease to offend. Perhaps he sneered as she exited the bath.
Who could say what made them proactive and turned slaughter into a competition? She baked him apple pies, leaving in enough seeds to make the arsenic viable. He oiled the kitchen floor in hopes of a fatal slip.
The law would say, “Attempted murder.” But they called it breathing life into a tiresome marriage.
And I decided to break all precedent and select a winner, not from among the finalists, but from one of the guys who just made me chortle with glee:
Then, once I caught that mistake, I forgot to open comments up again for the voting.
It takes a strong grip on your mental health not to lapse into paranoia when you see stuff like this I'm sure!
The entry the blog readers chose is:
Shirin Dubbin 1:15am
After sixty years the little things killed. One day, the sharp poke of her elbow while he slept. On another, the floppy twist of his toupee when he chortled—no one chortled anymore.She might tease to offend. Perhaps he sneered as she exited the bath.
Who could say what made them proactive and turned slaughter into a competition? She baked him apple pies, leaving in enough seeds to make the arsenic viable. He oiled the kitchen floor in hopes of a fatal slip.
The law would say, “Attempted murder.” But they called it breathing life into a tiresome marriage.
And I decided to break all precedent and select a winner, not from among the finalists, but from one of the guys who just made me chortle with glee:
Jim McClellan 6:22pm
“A-U” in Brooklyn, is a greeting they say,
And Au means gold in a science-y way;
The A-U in slaughter is pronounced like law,
But this rule is made moot by a serious flaw;
Say the word “laughter” and you’ll get the gist,
Of how the A-U sound often comes with a twist;
And those folks who are sharp already know,
Add an “X” the end, and it’s pronounced like “faux.”
If I could only have just a few words more,
I’d explain A-U as in “dinosaur.”
Now, if cutesy little rhymes just don’t turn you on,
Sue me.
And Au means gold in a science-y way;
The A-U in slaughter is pronounced like law,
But this rule is made moot by a serious flaw;
Say the word “laughter” and you’ll get the gist,
Of how the A-U sound often comes with a twist;
And those folks who are sharp already know,
Add an “X” the end, and it’s pronounced like “faux.”
If I could only have just a few words more,
I’d explain A-U as in “dinosaur.”
Now, if cutesy little rhymes just don’t turn you on,
Sue me.
Jim, Shirin, congratulations.
Email me your postal address and we'll get a copy of VENGEANCE off to you. Already have a copy? No worries, books we've got! Lots of choices!
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Vengeance is yours sayeth the Shark--ARGH!! REVOTE
UPDATE: I screwed up the ballot for voting on the finalists and left the last one off. Shirin Dubbin is probably wondering if that was personal (it wasn't--just a reminder not to do anything requiring accuracy at 10pm.)
REVOTE on the finalists today: ballot closes at 5pm. (all previous votes have been deleted)
It's always a lot of fun to see what amazing stuff you dream up for these writing contests. Reading your entries is like getting a mini-vacation in the middle of the day. Since I spent the best part of the last two days tormenting one of my clients in person (we were shredding and reassembling her novel!) taking a break this afternoon to see what you've done was a lot of fun!
But, because I did spend all day actually working (how you writers do this all day boggles my mind--it's HARD!) I have no brain power left to choose both winners. That's where you come in!
Without further ado, here are the results:
Outstanding achievement for demonstrating the linkage of the word prompts:
REVOTE on the finalists today: ballot closes at 5pm. (all previous votes have been deleted)
It's always a lot of fun to see what amazing stuff you dream up for these writing contests. Reading your entries is like getting a mini-vacation in the middle of the day. Since I spent the best part of the last two days tormenting one of my clients in person (we were shredding and reassembling her novel!) taking a break this afternoon to see what you've done was a lot of fun!
But, because I did spend all day actually working (how you writers do this all day boggles my mind--it's HARD!) I have no brain power left to choose both winners. That's where you come in!
Without further ado, here are the results:
Outstanding achievement for demonstrating the linkage of the word prompts:
ChiTrader 11:08am
Listen my children and you shall hear
Of the midnight reading of tales revered,
By Twist, Sharp, Law, then Slaughter and Say;
All mystery writers of note are they,
Whose words most certainly are to be feared.
Child said to his friends, “If you march
By land or sea to your desk to-night,
Hang from your loft a lantern or torch,
A signal that you have begun to write,--
One if by pencil, two if by pen;
On opposite coasts will be men and women
Eager to read your stories again,
Even be scared by a shark now and then
Of the midnight reading of tales revered,
By Twist, Sharp, Law, then Slaughter and Say;
All mystery writers of note are they,
Whose words most certainly are to be feared.
Child said to his friends, “If you march
By land or sea to your desk to-night,
Hang from your loft a lantern or torch,
A signal that you have begun to write,--
One if by pencil, two if by pen;
On opposite coasts will be men and women
Eager to read your stories again,
Even be scared by a shark now and then
The Ice-T Award for Best Rap Lyrics:
Charley 11:22am
’Twas the night before contest, and all through the house
Came the sharp stench of slaughter, blood/guts from a mouse.
The innocent kitten says, “This time, not me.”
The Doberman pinscher: “I’ll tell you for free.
“A twist of the pen gave a twist to this tale.
“The writer upstairs, she has skewered that pale
“And hairless old rodent. She did it because
“Of your contest, insane from the stress of your laws
“About word count and usage and deadlines and stuff.
“She wants to get back to real writing. Enough!”
Came the sharp stench of slaughter, blood/guts from a mouse.
The innocent kitten says, “This time, not me.”
The Doberman pinscher: “I’ll tell you for free.
“A twist of the pen gave a twist to this tale.
“The writer upstairs, she has skewered that pale
“And hairless old rodent. She did it because
“Of your contest, insane from the stress of your laws
“About word count and usage and deadlines and stuff.
“She wants to get back to real writing. Enough!”
Special recognition for what I'm not exactly sure, but whatever it is, it's amazing!
DSH 12:36pm
house of truth and love
Sunday School Teacher says not to lick the end of my pencil or I'll get lead poisoning, but you can break one apart, pick the lead out, eat every bit of it, and still wake up the next morning.
nod
Pray it away
Amen
but so far, ten is no different from nine.
that's not me becomes a silent chant
not a fag
not a fag
not a fag
Reverend's face stays soft, but when he preaches God's law to me his tongue is sharp and love twists into something else.
two pencil slaughter house
Sunday School Teacher says not to lick the end of my pencil or I'll get lead poisoning, but you can break one apart, pick the lead out, eat every bit of it, and still wake up the next morning.
nod
Pray it away
Amen
but so far, ten is no different from nine.
that's not me becomes a silent chant
not a fag
not a fag
not a fag
Reverend's face stays soft, but when he preaches God's law to me his tongue is sharp and love twists into something else.
two pencil slaughter house
Auric Goldfinger Award with props to Jay-Z
Jim McClellan 6:22pm
“A-U” in Brooklyn, is a greeting they say,
And Au means gold in a science-y way;
The A-U in slaughter is pronounced like law,
But this rule is made moot by a serious flaw;
Say the word “laughter” and you’ll get the gist,
Of how the A-U sound often comes with a twist;
And those folks who are sharp already know,
Add an “X” the end, and it’s pronounced like “faux.”
If I could only have just a few words more,
I’d explain A-U as in “dinosaur.”
Now, if cutesy little rhymes just don’t turn you on,
Sue me.
And Au means gold in a science-y way;
The A-U in slaughter is pronounced like law,
But this rule is made moot by a serious flaw;
Say the word “laughter” and you’ll get the gist,
Of how the A-U sound often comes with a twist;
And those folks who are sharp already know,
Add an “X” the end, and it’s pronounced like “faux.”
If I could only have just a few words more,
I’d explain A-U as in “dinosaur.”
Now, if cutesy little rhymes just don’t turn you on,
Sue me.
Special recognition for amazing voice, but not quite a story
Damian O 2:20am
My pinky took a rotini twist in the elevator door. Pain so sharp, cheddar’s jealous.
“Shit!” I muffle-yell, pen in mouth. Quit smoking ten minutes prior, after seeing a “Smoking Slaughters” poster. Now I always got a pen chomped. Always, as in, last ten minutes. Pen keeps the mouth busy, I hear. Makes ‘er muffle, too.
And the yell, ‘cause no one listens to what I say.
But I’m sick of yelling. So I’m in a ritzy freight up to pop’s office, Smith and Wesson in coat, ‘bout to shoot up the place.
Law, meet me, Bill, your breaker.
“Shit!” I muffle-yell, pen in mouth. Quit smoking ten minutes prior, after seeing a “Smoking Slaughters” poster. Now I always got a pen chomped. Always, as in, last ten minutes. Pen keeps the mouth busy, I hear. Makes ‘er muffle, too.
And the yell, ‘cause no one listens to what I say.
But I’m sick of yelling. So I’m in a ritzy freight up to pop’s office, Smith and Wesson in coat, ‘bout to shoot up the place.
Law, meet me, Bill, your breaker.
Here are the stories that made the final cut:
Kregger 11:51am
I approach her bed.
She lays with her back to me, a lump of covers.
Her favorite Karin Slaughter novel left helpless on the floor.
All I have to do is twist my knife under her ribs.
The law will say I executed my lovely with premeditation, and they’ll be right.
I threw back the covers to plunge my steel into her cold heart…nothing, she’s gone.
A cold hand grasped my throat from behind.
A sharp stick pierces my neck, every cell in my body afire and my heart thumps.
“Don’t worry, dear, it will only hurt for a second.”
She lays with her back to me, a lump of covers.
Her favorite Karin Slaughter novel left helpless on the floor.
All I have to do is twist my knife under her ribs.
The law will say I executed my lovely with premeditation, and they’ll be right.
I threw back the covers to plunge my steel into her cold heart…nothing, she’s gone.
A cold hand grasped my throat from behind.
A sharp stick pierces my neck, every cell in my body afire and my heart thumps.
“Don’t worry, dear, it will only hurt for a second.”
Naomi 12:15pm
SHARPSLAUGHTER. The twist of paper skitters under his feet. He picks up, reads, looks back, sees the evil flash in Jim's eyes.
"Sharp" slaughter why? Because with a knife or box cutter, not a gun or bomb? Or sharp as in sudden?
Not now, not like this, not in second period English.
Should he stand up, say something? Try to warn Mr. Connelly?
There's no law says I have to stay.
He stands, strolls past Lee, Karin and Brendan towards the door while he palms, then swallows the scrap of paper, unaware the other side says GODILOVETHESOUNDOF BEAUTIFULZOE
"Sharp" slaughter why? Because with a knife or box cutter, not a gun or bomb? Or sharp as in sudden?
Not now, not like this, not in second period English.
Should he stand up, say something? Try to warn Mr. Connelly?
There's no law says I have to stay.
He stands, strolls past Lee, Karin and Brendan towards the door while he palms, then swallows the scrap of paper, unaware the other side says GODILOVETHESOUNDOF BEAUTIFULZOE
Patrick diOrio 12:40pm
Below Zaragosa Bridge where the Rio Grande made a sharp twist Mexican kids huddled hard up along its banks and called up to us. “Say! Hey! C’mon, toss a coin!”
White paper cones on long poles bright in the fading light jabbed hungrily upward.
“Stinkin’ beggars. Oughta be a law,” a sloppy tourist muttered next to me as he leaned to peer over the railing. “Watch this,” he said with a wink.
He tossed a penny.
The fight below a near slaughter as poles jousted to snatch the coin.
The asshole laughed.
Until I tossed his fatass over the side.
White paper cones on long poles bright in the fading light jabbed hungrily upward.
“Stinkin’ beggars. Oughta be a law,” a sloppy tourist muttered next to me as he leaned to peer over the railing. “Watch this,” he said with a wink.
He tossed a penny.
The fight below a near slaughter as poles jousted to snatch the coin.
The asshole laughed.
Until I tossed his fatass over the side.
Unknown 1:08pm
The school's educational farm had started smoothly that year, but the decision to send the lamb to slaughter was divisive. The uproar, carried along by the media, reached animal-loving and worrying types, who rallied to keep the castrated (no good for breeding) lamb alive.
"Children shouldn't know such terrible things," they’d say, a chorus of sharp voices. "Teach them about wool instead!"
The children hand-fed Oliver Twist whenever he bleated for more, while the teachers stayed longer in the staffroom.
Jenny Law delivered the Children's Council's decision: 13-1 in favour of killing Oliver to raise the money for piglets.
"Children shouldn't know such terrible things," they’d say, a chorus of sharp voices. "Teach them about wool instead!"
The children hand-fed Oliver Twist whenever he bleated for more, while the teachers stayed longer in the staffroom.
Jenny Law delivered the Children's Council's decision: 13-1 in favour of killing Oliver to raise the money for piglets.
Michael Seese 6:04pm
“You’re texting as I speak?”
“Yes. Is that OK?”
“I suppose.”
“Go on. What does the law say?”
“It’s very clear. We’ve been doing this for millennia.”
“Really? Good to know. What are some specifics?”
“Make sure the blade is sharp, so the kill is quick. Don’t twist it.”
“Sounds merciful.”
“We don’t want to slaughter them, have them die in pain. After all, we do eat them.”
“You do?”
“Yes.”
“And they say waterboarding is cruel.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Um...”
“I’m speaking of the shechita. What are you asking about?”
“The same, of course!” (texting) “Cancel Guantanamo! CANCEL!”
“Yes. Is that OK?”
“I suppose.”
“Go on. What does the law say?”
“It’s very clear. We’ve been doing this for millennia.”
“Really? Good to know. What are some specifics?”
“Make sure the blade is sharp, so the kill is quick. Don’t twist it.”
“Sounds merciful.”
“We don’t want to slaughter them, have them die in pain. After all, we do eat them.”
“You do?”
“Yes.”
“And they say waterboarding is cruel.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Um...”
“I’m speaking of the shechita. What are you asking about?”
“The same, of course!” (texting) “Cancel Guantanamo! CANCEL!”
Rhen Wilson 8:01pm
A sharp shudder and the nose dropped and I knew it was too late. The left engine was dead, and nothing I could do would bring it back. I heard screams and twisted panic from the passengers behind me as the law of gravity consumed the plane, yanking us into death's bowels. The impact would slaughter every child, every life, without discrimination: a merciless kill. The ground swelled, and my sight contained the hard rock and earth as surely as it would contain me —
“Wake up!” I opened my eyes, my co-pilot shouting, “Say, you want us to crash?”
“Wake up!” I opened my eyes, my co-pilot shouting, “Say, you want us to crash?”
Sam 10:59pm
“Your honor, the defense can twist the words, but the felony murder rule isn’t open to interpretation. Any death that occurs during commission of a felony is murder. When the defendant stole $3,000, he committed a felony and the death became a murder.” In Kate’s mind, it wasn’t just murder. It was slaughter.
“Judge, the victim simply fell.”
"Not too sharp," thought Kate, but she gently corrected, “Cause of death is irrelevant. And let’s not forget -- someone used a knife to carve initials on the victim’s cheek.”
Kate needed the defendant in jail, if only to keep him alive.
“Judge, the victim simply fell.”
"Not too sharp," thought Kate, but she gently corrected, “Cause of death is irrelevant. And let’s not forget -- someone used a knife to carve initials on the victim’s cheek.”
Kate needed the defendant in jail, if only to keep him alive.
SiSi 11:05pm
He slips inside, slaughters them all, slides right back to his regular life. Says martini with a twist when the boss asks him what he wants, says no problem when the customer asks how it went, says no idea when the law asks what happened, says you gotta stay sharp when the kid asks how he’s survived so long.
Says vengeance sucks when the new guy asks if he has any last words.
Says vengeance sucks when the new guy asks if he has any last words.
Shirin Dubbin 1:15am
After sixty years the little things killed. One day, the sharp poke of her elbow while he slept. On another, the floppy twist of his toupee when he chortled—no one chortled anymore.
She might tease to offend. Perhaps he sneered as she exited the bath.
Who could say what made them proactive and turned slaughter into a competition? She baked him apple pies, leaving in enough seeds to make the arsenic viable. He oiled the kitchen floor in hopes of a fatal slip.
The law would say, “Attempted murder.” But they called it breathing life into a tiresome marriage.
Since we have two copies of VENGEANCE, how about I select one winner and you blog readers select the other?
Vote for any one of theeight nine (yea, I'm completely witless at this point( finalists in the comments column below.
(10) Occupy The Reef--I'm voting for something/someone else entirely:
Voting closes at 5pm Eastern Shark Time 5/23. (and then the Shark is swimming off for a restorative whisky--medicinal of course)
Ready?
Set?
Vote!
She might tease to offend. Perhaps he sneered as she exited the bath.
Who could say what made them proactive and turned slaughter into a competition? She baked him apple pies, leaving in enough seeds to make the arsenic viable. He oiled the kitchen floor in hopes of a fatal slip.
The law would say, “Attempted murder.” But they called it breathing life into a tiresome marriage.
Since we have two copies of VENGEANCE, how about I select one winner and you blog readers select the other?
Vote for any one of the
(1) Kregger 11:51am
(2) Naomi 12:15pm
(3) Patrick diOrio 12:40pm
(4) Unknown 1:08pm
(5) Michael Seese 6:04pm
(6) Rhen Wilson 8:01pm
(7) Sam 10:59pm
(8) SiSi 11:05pm
(9) Shirin Dubbin 1:15am(10) Occupy The Reef--I'm voting for something/someone else entirely:
Voting closes at 5pm Eastern Shark Time 5/23. (and then the Shark is swimming off for a restorative whisky--medicinal of course)
Ready?
Set?
Vote!
Words that should never appear in your query...
...in this sequence: "Berne Convention copy write."
Unless you mean you're in Berne for the Convention of Punctuationists and you're going to send me a copy of the new treaty regarding interrobang usage ("WTF is an interrobang?!" I hear you muttering.)
Sadly, that was not what a querier meant when he wrote "The title and all text are the sole intellectual copyright of the original author and recognized under the BERNE CONVENTION on copy write."
He meant "it's mine and you had better not steal it."
Okedokey.
For those just discovering the joys of publishing here's a quick run down on why this guy was instantly disregarded:
(1) You can't copyright (note spelling) a title.
(2) "Sole intellectual copyright" doesn't actually make sense. He meant it's the intellectual property of the author (not "original author") and wanted me to know it's protected by copyright (note spelling) so I won't be tempted to turn it into fan fiction, publish it in Australia, sell it to Random House US and retire on my new-found fortune.***
(3) The Berne Convention was intended to have signatory countries recognize and enforce uniform copyright laws. It really doesn't have much to do with the copyright of an individual novel--that's the work of the US Copyright Office.
This kind of query is easy to discard with a rueful laugh. The faux ostentation and the bad writing pretty much make this a non-starter anyway.
But for those of you who are trying VERY hard to get the attention of an agent, the temptation to sound knowledgeable, with it, and in-the-know can be overwhelming. RESIST.
Resistance is NOT futile, I don't care what the Borg told you. RESIST!
I don't care how much you know about publishing, copyright, or intellectual property (other than you know your work has to be your own.) I don't care if you're under the impression the Berne Convention has something to do with Jason and his misplaced identity.
If you're just starting out you don't know what you don't know. Don't try to sound knowledgeable about publishing. Chances are good you're not. Like all industries we have our jargon, our abbreviations, our odd little ways.
Recently a telephone caller (yet another faux pas) to my office instructed me firmly that she'd had MANY meetings with agents at "The Book Expo America" and I was clearly a complete reptile for sounding the least doubtful about her experience. (What she didn't know is almost everyone in the industry who attends "The Book Expo America" actually calls it something else.)
Here's what you DO know a lot about: your novel.
Here's what I care about: your novel.
Nice how that works out isn't it.
Unless you mean you're in Berne for the Convention of Punctuationists and you're going to send me a copy of the new treaty regarding interrobang usage ("WTF is an interrobang?!" I hear you muttering.)
Sadly, that was not what a querier meant when he wrote "The title and all text are the sole intellectual copyright of the original author and recognized under the BERNE CONVENTION on copy write."
He meant "it's mine and you had better not steal it."
Okedokey.
For those just discovering the joys of publishing here's a quick run down on why this guy was instantly disregarded:
(1) You can't copyright (note spelling) a title.
(2) "Sole intellectual copyright" doesn't actually make sense. He meant it's the intellectual property of the author (not "original author") and wanted me to know it's protected by copyright (note spelling) so I won't be tempted to turn it into fan fiction, publish it in Australia, sell it to Random House US and retire on my new-found fortune.***
(3) The Berne Convention was intended to have signatory countries recognize and enforce uniform copyright laws. It really doesn't have much to do with the copyright of an individual novel--that's the work of the US Copyright Office.
This kind of query is easy to discard with a rueful laugh. The faux ostentation and the bad writing pretty much make this a non-starter anyway.
But for those of you who are trying VERY hard to get the attention of an agent, the temptation to sound knowledgeable, with it, and in-the-know can be overwhelming. RESIST.
Resistance is NOT futile, I don't care what the Borg told you. RESIST!
I don't care how much you know about publishing, copyright, or intellectual property (other than you know your work has to be your own.) I don't care if you're under the impression the Berne Convention has something to do with Jason and his misplaced identity.
If you're just starting out you don't know what you don't know. Don't try to sound knowledgeable about publishing. Chances are good you're not. Like all industries we have our jargon, our abbreviations, our odd little ways.
Recently a telephone caller (yet another faux pas) to my office instructed me firmly that she'd had MANY meetings with agents at "The Book Expo America" and I was clearly a complete reptile for sounding the least doubtful about her experience. (What she didn't know is almost everyone in the industry who attends "The Book Expo America" actually calls it something else.)
Here's what you DO know a lot about: your novel.
Here's what I care about: your novel.
Nice how that works out isn't it.
****ok, so I had to make a joke about THAT book, I did.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Well, the Lord can just shove over, VENGEANCE can be yours
Here's a chance for TWO people to win copies: the next writing contest.
Usual rules:
Write a story using 100 or fewer words.
Post the story in the comments column of this blog post.
Contest opens at 10am MONDAY 5/21.
Closes at 10am TUESDAY 5/22.
Use the following words in your story:
Twist
Sharp
Slaughter
Say
Law
Bonus points if you can incorporate the connection between those words into your story.
One entry per person but do-overs are allowed. If you need a mulligan, delete your entry and repost. The LAST entry is considered the final one.
Contest is open to everyone (ie international entries are ok)
Questions? Tweet them to me @Janet_Reid
Prize is a copy of VENGEANCE edited by Lee Child.
As usual, the sharkly judging will be entirely subjective and subject to no review.
Ready?
Set?
Closed!
Reason N+1 not to just dash off your query
In today's mailbag:
Writers are always told how very important the query letter is, and to back that up I sometimes mention the fact that my original query later became, almost verbatim, the backcover copy of my novel.
Well, today my UK publicist sends me a review of my book that appeared in The American, an expat magazine. It's a perfectly fine review, but I can tell the reviewer simply adapted the backcover copy as a solid third of her 200-word piece.
That means that effectively, my original agent query has now become my own "objective" third-party review.
Good thing it's not a bad review or I'd be very annoyed with myself for having such a low opinion of my work.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Best line of the day
Question: Book you've faked reading?
Answer: "War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy. I didn't intend to fake it, but I took it on holiday with me and it just didn't fit in with my cocktail schedule."
Answer: "War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy. I didn't intend to fake it, but I took it on holiday with me and it just didn't fit in with my cocktail schedule."
--of course it's from ShelfAwareness!
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