Tuesday, July 31, 2018
The Duchess of Yowl is apostrophic
Me: Yoo hoo! Your Grace! I'm here! Let the petting commence!
Me: Your Grace! I'm desperate for your sleek self to sit on my lap and purr!
Me: Your Grace? Are you here? I brought pizza!!!
Me: (to self) If that cat has gone out the window, no doubt she had a parachute but how am I going to explain this to her mom?
(Knocking at door)
Voice from without: I believe I have your cat.
Me: (flinging door wide): Your Grace!
DoY: I AM NOT COMING BACK IN THERE!
Me: (utterly bewildered) Your Grace! Have I offended you??
DoY: (burying her head under Voice's left arm) NO. DO NOT EVEN TRY TO GET ME TO COME BACK IN!
Me (to Voice): I'm so sorry, she doesn't want to come back in.
Voice: At best she weighs eight pounds even in her jumpsuit and helmet. I'm sure you can persuade her.
Me: Not likely. But here, let me get her scruff and tummy.
Voice: Jebus that cat can yowl.
Me: Thanks, I've got it from here.
Voice: I'll bring the parachute by later. It's tangled in the geraniums on my balcony.
Me: Thank you. Um…which floor are you on?
Voice: I live on the other side of Central Park.
Me: Oh, I see. Gotcha. Thanks again. Here, have the pizza I just bought.
Me: Indeed, Her Grace loves anchovies.
Voice: A duchess lives here?
Me: (aside) uh oh
DoY: (despite being gripped fiercely by scruff and in half-nelson tummy lock) Don't you know who I think I am?
Me: May I present Her Grace, the Duchess of Yowl.
Voice: I'll rain check that pizza. See ya! (flees down the hall)
Me: Now, your grace, I brought you pizza. I'm here to pet you non-stop. What the hellhound is going on?
DoY: (wrapping tail around door knob) There is a CAT EATER at large in my penthouse!
Me: (perplexed) there's a dog?
DoY: (aside) Those thumbs really aren't a sign of superior intelligence, are they?
DoY: (as if speaking to a small child or a golden retriever) There is an evil force, a cat eater, here on the premises.
Me: Your grace, I would never let anyone hurt you, let alone eat you. Can you show me what made you think there is a cat eater here?
DoY: (points to kitchen with enraged claw) LOOK!
Me: it's the kitchen?
DoY: ON THE FLOOR!
Me: Your Waterford crystal libation dish? Your hand blown Venetian glass victual bowl?''
Me: (walking into kitchen to get a better look)
DoY: (parkours her way to ceiling light fixture) Noooooooooooooooooo
Me: (looks at personalized placemat under two cat dishes.)
Me: (reading) Let's eat Your Grace.
DoY: I told you! Someone wants to eat me!
Me: aha! Nothing a little proper punctuation won't cure. (retrieves black marker from reticule.) Here, your Grace: "Let's eat, Your Grace"
DoY: (sniffs) I knew that. (nails five point landing on dining room table) I hope you got extra anchovies on that pizza.
at 7:00 AM