Tuesday, July 31, 2018

The Duchess of Yowl is apostrophic


Sunday afternoon

Me: Yoo hoo! Your Grace! I'm here! Let the petting commence!

(silence)

Me: Your Grace! I'm desperate for your sleek self to sit on my lap and purr!

(silence)

Me: Your Grace? Are you here? I brought pizza!!!

Me: (to self) If that cat has gone out the window, no doubt she had a parachute but how am I going to explain this to her mom?

(Knocking at door)

Me: yes?

Voice from without: I believe I have your cat.

Me: (flinging door wide): Your Grace!

DoY: I AM NOT COMING BACK IN THERE!

Me: (utterly bewildered) Your Grace! Have I offended you??

DoY: (burying her head under Voice's left arm) NO. DO NOT EVEN TRY TO GET ME TO COME BACK IN!

Me (to Voice): I'm so sorry, she doesn't want to come back in.


Voice: At best she weighs eight pounds even in her jumpsuit and helmet. I'm sure you can persuade her.

Me: Not likely. But here, let me get her scruff and tummy.

DoY: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Voice: Jebus that cat can yowl.

Me: Thanks, I've got it from here.

Voice: I'll bring the parachute by later. It's tangled in the geraniums on my balcony.

Me: Thank you. Um…which floor are you on?

Voice: I live on the other side of Central Park.

Me: Oh, I see. Gotcha. Thanks again. Here, have the pizza I just bought.

Voice: anchovies?

Me: Indeed, Her Grace loves anchovies.

Voice:  A duchess lives here?

Me: (aside) uh oh

DoY: (despite being gripped fiercely by scruff and in half-nelson tummy lock) Don't you know who I think I am?

Me: May I present Her Grace, the Duchess of Yowl.

Voice: I'll rain check that pizza. See ya! (flees down the hall)

Me: Now, your grace, I brought you pizza. I'm here to pet you non-stop. What the hellhound is going on?

DoY: (wrapping tail around door knob) There is a CAT EATER at large in my penthouse!

Me: (perplexed) there's a dog?

DoY: (aside) Those thumbs really aren't a sign of superior intelligence, are they?

DoY: (as if speaking to a small child or a golden retriever) There is an evil force, a cat eater, here on the premises.

Me: Your grace, I would never let anyone hurt you, let alone eat you. Can you show me what made you think there is a cat eater here?


DoY: (points to kitchen with enraged claw) LOOK!

Me: it's the kitchen?

DoY: ON THE FLOOR!

Me: Your Waterford crystal libation dish? Your hand blown Venetian glass victual bowl?''

DoY: UNDERNEATH!

Me: (walking into kitchen to get a better look)

DoY: (parkours her way to ceiling light fixture) Noooooooooooooooooo

Me: (looks at personalized placemat under two cat dishes.)

Me: (reading) Let's eat Your Grace.

DoY: I told you! Someone wants to eat me!

Me: aha! Nothing a little proper punctuation won't cure. (retrieves black marker from reticule.) Here, your Grace: "Let's eat, Your Grace"

DoY: (sniffs) I knew that. (nails five point landing on dining room table) I hope you got extra anchovies on that pizza.


22 comments:

Amy Johnson said...

I'm cracking up! Thanks, Janet.

The garden is watered and I'm off to write. Have a great day, all.

Carolynnwith2Ns said...

Add illustrations.

Headline: Shark serves cat, not on dish but on her knees.

(Do sharks have knees?)

(Do agents represent themselves?)

Movie/TV - Flipper rolls over in his grave.

Theresa said...

"Don't you know who I think I am?" Love it!

And the whole post. A delightful reminder about the necessity of proper punctuation.

I hope DoY is sufficiently recovered.

Sharyn Ekbergh said...

Harhar!!!
We live with The Queen so understand every word!

E.M. Goldsmith said...

Hilarious punctuation what's my function lesson.

*opens WIP at work hoping boss doesn't notice*

AJ Blythe said...

I'm not sure DoY is all that thrilled with you telling us her tale. She's looking very displeased in that photo. I, on the other hand, cracked up completely.

Jeannette Leopold said...

Very funny. Didn't see the end coming!

InkStainedWench said...

Why we need the Oxford comma (probably imperfectly remembered):

"In conclusion, I would like to thank my parents, Ayn Rand and God."

Panda in Chief said...

Did someone call for illustrations?

Craig F said...

I know the feeling. Between our rainy season and the contractors supposedly rebuilding a bathroom, all four of our cats are more than a bit unsettled.

So far I have reaffirmed that no one lies better than a contractor.

Donnaeve said...

Hee! (Diane Major's fave way to express glee.)

I loved it, although I question the DoY's choice of anchovies on a pizza.

DLM said...

Well, holy moly - I have not been by in many months, but after a recent news story involving Bigfoot and Virginia politics, I stopped in to see whether y'all were up to hijinks discussing dino porn and its merits relative to (ahem) the new breed, and ...

Well, first I am blessed with a DoY story which caught me precisely right (and then ISW's contribution.

And then I see Donna's comment.

Hee.

*Waves quietly from the margins* (Don't hesitate to ask The Queen about any stray pics of Gossamer the Editor Cat she may have seen recently. She hereby has permission to share.)

*Disappears again - there are DEATH SCENES to be written*

Claire Bobrow said...

So funny! I'm picturing a sleek jumpsuit, perhaps in green silk to match her parachute, a rakish helmet, and Jackie-O style goggles. I love that she has a personalized placemat (despite the punctuation error!).

DLM said...

"A little Sharpie clears us of this deed."

Karen McCoy said...

Ha, love the comma joke! Used to demonstrate to students with "Let's eat, Grandma," as opposed to "Let's eat Grandma."

nightsmusic said...

I needed that laugh this morning. Thanks!

CynthiaMc said...

Love it! I was just reading an article about Sainte-Mere-Eglise parachute memorial (yes, after five years of French I know there are accents galore. What I don't know is how to do them on my phone). Glad the Duchess didn't try that on D-Day...though she probably could have taken them all with one paw.

Theresa said...

Oh, I think we need tales of the Duchess's exploits on D-Day. Illustrated, of course. That jumpsuit, those goggles!

Kate Larkindale said...

I think the adventures of the DOY would make an excellent comic book...

BrendaLynn said...

Punctuation matters! https://www.google.ca/amp/s/www.bbc.com/news/amp/business-39300432

Sherry Howard said...

Rolling!

Melanie Sue Bowles said...

HA! Love this, so much.