I followed the comments on the previous blog post about delayed results and realized some of you thought I'd watched the SuperBowl. It will surprise no one to learn that I not only didn't watch the SuperBowl, I didn't realize it was on, and I'm still not sure who played.
Some of you however will wonder how a person can be alive and NOT know. I'm reminded of a conversation I had years ago in the barn where I stabled my horse. It was about a month after a hard fought presidential election. I was visiting with the girl whose horse was in the adjoining stall. I mentioned the incoming president and she looked up from the hoof she was cleaning and said "Oh yea, the election, I was wondering who won."
But on to things we all agree are noteworthy: your contest entries!
Herewith the results:
Not quite a story but I love this entry a LOT.
Not quite a story, but hilarious
Amy Schaefer 11:22am
Steve Forti Award for Deft Prompt Manipulation
With another fluorocarbon, Eb?
Homage to the greats!
John Davis Frain
(and yes, I notice you include Wake Up Call as well!)
Here's the list of finalists
Although I had to wait for my tax refund in order to slap down 1200 bucks on a new Kirby Avalir Vacuum Cleaning System, I was glad to do so. Nasty leftovers like party debris, everyday dust, dirt, dog hair and even a bastard’s bone-bits and ash, gone. Kirby, the king of rug suckers and bare floor cleaner-uppers.
Having always been a broom and dust pan kind of woman, I don’t mean to blow the commercial horn for a high end vacuum but when I need to get rid of unwanted evidence Kirby is my choice.
It's really hard to resist anything that includes the phrase "broom and dust pan kind of woman" and of course the subtlety of this piece is utterly charming.
I became suspicious when I arrived home and found my wife scrubbing kitchen utensils in the sink—a task she would abhor, normally.
"Is everything okay?" I said. "Jim been bothering you?"
Jim's our neighbor. He lives alone, doesn't go out much. I don't like the way he's been looking at her lately.
"No," she said. "Everything's fine."
"Have you been cooking?" I saw burnt wood and ashes in the fire pit.
"Hmm?" she replied, and resumed her work.
"And where did Kirby get that bone?" The dog was too busy to come to me.
"Probably from Jim," she said.
This is so elegant and subtle I just wriggled with delight.
It reminded me a lot of one of my favorite books A Pleasure and a Calling by Phil Hogan, one of the most deliciously creepy books I've ever read.
The Cliffhanger by Amy Johnson, Organic Gardener Wannabe
Christmas gift: Kirby’s Guide to EASY Organic Tomatoes
These plants won’t fruit.
“Potassium deficiency. Amend soil with potash.”
Amend? Plain dirt isn’t okay?
Fruit rotting from the bottoms up.
“Blossom end rot due to calcium deficiency. Amend soil with bonemeal.”
You gotta be kidding--I’m a vegetarian.
Where’d all the leaves go? What’s that?
“Tomato hornworm. Very destructive.”
But it’s one of God’s creatures. Drive to the overgrown field behind the library. Your new home, caterpillar (you little thief!).
Lawn mower incident.
No point asking Kirby’s.
This just cracked me up completely!
A fakir by trade, faithfully I rise with the sun and settle into my ritual.
Staking my claim, a crowded stretch of urban Purgatory, I brave the slings and arrows and taxi horns and weekday warriors and dog poop, touting the tenets of Allah and Buddha, with a zest of Lennon & MarxCartney added for flavor. Pity prompts some to press a token of cash into my skin and bones.
We all follow the sun home. They to manicured McMansions. Me to my cozy loft, where I count my blessings, green and otherwise.
Did I say fakir? I meant faker.
The writing is so deft here that I read it a couple more times just for the pure pleasure of MarxCartney, urban Purgatory and that last twisty sentence that made me laugh out loud.
This is gorgeous writing.
This is gorgeous writing.
Amphibian Flash Mob
Mom called me lazybones, but who is she to talk? Laid her eggs and skedaddled. Or lumbered, probably.
Turtles do not dash. We amble.
I try to ignore the car horns as I cross Coventry Road. Orgy of sex, bugs, swimming, and nude sunbathing awaits if I can get to the other side.
Halfway across, a two-legged darts to my side, picks me up.
“Don’t Kirby,” a voice calls. “It’ll bite your fingers off.”
I wag my tail, grateful. Soon I’ll be basking on my favorite log.
But he puts me back where I started.
I'm always a total sucker for the unusual POV, and this from a turtle is terrific. Also it's hilarious, and poignant, and that's no small trick in 96 words. And I can never resist any entry that includes skedaddled.
Of course it was hellishly hard to pick just one winner (you guyz really like to torment me on these
contests, but like many of you, Melissa Hintz' entry just stole my heart. How can I resist something called Amphibian Flash Mob?
Melissa, if you'll email me your mailing address, we'll get a signed copy out to you post haste.
Congrats to all the finalists and shout outs, and my thanks to all of you who took the time to write and post entries. I love reading your work!