The Sounds Like Trouble Sean Ferrell Flash Fiction writing contest results

There is an earlier post this morning honoring a specific entry.



The caliber of entries is so high now that entries which would have been finalists and possibly winners just a year ago, do not even make the list. 

What I find interesting is there is no consistency week to week with who is on the list of finalists. The entire lot of you are getting better. It's getting to be exactly the kind of problem I love to have.

Herewith the results.

Special recognition for the Perils of Pongo!

Lobo 8:04am

I'm not sure why I love this sentence but I do

Matthew Wuertz 8:19am

"It had been smart enough to get into the shed but dumb enough to get into the home-grown nitroglycerin."

Special recognition for a great line

KayC 9:06am

"Half is never enough."

Terri Lynn Coop 1:20pm

"I need to replevin my underwear."

Actually this may be one of the great lines of all time here
Terri Lynn Coop 1:20pm
"I was suddenly glad this robe covered my opinions."

Special recognition for an opening line that really catches the reader's attention!
Steve Cassidy 8:17pm

She was mindlessly skinning a cat in our kitchen when I walked in.

Special recognition for a great phrase

Kitty 1:20pm

"hung in the silence like a shroud"

This isn't quite a story, but I love love love the premise here

delicartoons 9:56am

Not quite a story but I love the structure

Christina Seine 10:47am

A phrase we need to use more often

Lance 11:08ak

"Thorazine Armada, stand by"

The start of what could be a very interesting story

mugandmuse 12:23pm

Not quite a story but I love love love the vivid writing

Megan V 1:29pm

Ashland 2:03pm

I love the idea of this story!

Erin Szczechowski 11:26pm

I want to join the Imperial Rogues!

CED 12:11am

A story I loved and desperately wanted to trim just a bit.

Firebeard 7:09am

“Worst. Nativity scene. Ever,” said the judge. “My eyes are numb. Mary looked like a Barbie doll, Joseph was wearing a spacesuit, and what's with the animals? There were supposed to be sheep! The Adoration of the Shepherds! NOT the Adoration of the Dinosaur-herds. Your dinosaurs look feral, anyway. That's a big no from me. Amanda?”

A female voice spoke. “No, I thought they were ghastly. Better luck next time, guys. Chin up.”

The door opened. “Bedtime.”

“But mum...”

A wry smile. “You can play Simon Cowell again tomorrow. Go to sleep.”

She put her toys back in the box.

 

Here are the finalists

(1) Timothy Lowe 8:02am

Scene from tomorrow:

No Chance Lake. Flaming fiberglass on the water.

Eyes of the crowd melting in numb denial. Eddie’s singed hair awry, fireproof suit not so fireproof.

Engine split in rotiferal defeat.

Scene from today:

Slim Chance Lake. Sprinting hull racing water.

Numberless eyes wide in denial. Eddie wearing his wry smile like a trump suit. Beneath, fauna scatter in poriferal terror, whispering “Neptune’s loose!”

Scene from yesterday:

Big Chance Lake. Marie tinkers beneath the hood, feral eyes narrow on each gear. Suitors galore have numbed her hard heart and Eddie should have kept his eyes on the dowry.

Things to notice here: obviously the reverse chronology. The name of lake changes each day. "rotiferal" and "poriferal"

And holy smokes, just read this out loud.

And then there's this: "fauna scatter in poriferal terror, whispering “Neptune’s loose!”

That sentence is sublime. It says everything about speed and noise without saying anything about volume or velocity. In other words: gorgeous subtle writing.

(2) Amanda Capper 8:03am

The scene: Office of feral numbskull foxy lawyer in wrinkled suit discussing first chipmunk’s dowry.

(First chipmunk): But

(Lawyer): no buts about it, sweetcakes, it’s all gone.

(Second chipmunk): Then our marriage is annulled.

(First): No!

Lawyer: The nuts market dropped. The oak forest crashed. Later, Dudes. (Turns to leave. Shot rings out, lawyer drops dead)

Second: Duck!

First: No! Skunk!

(Skunk saunters out, smoking pistol in paw)

Skunk: Your nuts are safe. Foxy squirrelled them away for his own winter hoard.

Second: Bastard! (Turns to first) Wonderful! Our marriage is saved!

First: You’re nuts. (First embraces Skunk. Curtain drops)

Totally hilarious. The "Duck! No! Skunk" pairing is perfect.

And dare I hope that "Later, Dudes" means this is a same-sex chipmunk marriage? 
Plus: all the prompt words in that first sentence!

(3) SiSi 9:23am

1. My night job is cleaning sweets at the hotel.

    I think you mean “suites” here— big rooms? “Sweets” are candy, cakes, etc. Watch your spelling :)

2. Sometimes plans go a wry.

    “Awry” is one word. Remember to check your vocabulary list!

3. His body got number when he couldn’t breathe.

    “more numb” is generally clearer-- what do you mean by this sentence?

4. The feral held the wire noose together.

    “Ferrule”

5. I scene what you did.

    “Saw” or “have seen”

Come by my office later today. Let’s make sure you get everything you want from this class.

I always love finding new words that really fit the story. Here it was ferrule. And this made me laugh on the initial read, then when I read it again, I gasped with delight.

For those of you who've mentioned you don't understand subtle or nuance when I make reference to it in a story, this is a good example this week.

On the first read, it's clearly a teacher correcting an essay or list of vocabulary words a student is using in sentences.

On the second read, the student may be misusing the words, but s/he's actually telling the teacher s/he saw what the teacher did at hotel in the suite, using a garrote to kill someone. And the final sentence sets up what I think is a perfect ending: the teacher is telling the student to come to his/her office" and "get what she wants."  It's exquisitely unclear if this is a bribe or a threat.

And I always love it when words are used incorrectly but demonstrate character or illuminate plot in their error.

(4) Dena Pawling 11:44am

Evolution of a relationship:


First date, Outback:

Her, staring at the book on the table: “You reading Numb?”

Me: “Yeah. Supposed to be an awesome book by some feral author who wears an empty suit.”

Her, eyes wide: “Like, he lives in the subway tunnels or some such scene?”

Me, with wry smile: “Something like that.”


Fourth date, Denny's:

Her, incredulous: “Why do you always have a book?”

Me, disappointed: “Why do you never have a book?”


Last date, McDonald's:

Her: “Sorry. I... I just... can't see this working.”

Me: “Why not?”

Her: “That... that author... he doesn't like koalas!”

Well, who wouldn't love this? It's all of Sean's novels, although how you know about the unpublished one ["e lives in the subway tunnels"] I do not know.

The only thing I'd change here is leaving off the title. It telegraphs the story too early.

And I love that there's no sense of how many dates pass between #4 and The Last. That's a lovely subtle touch.

(5) Donnaeve 1:31pm

April 2014, the diagnosis is delivered. Soon, we know. Small town news travels fast.

Nerve cells gone awry, the feral consumption of muscles and abilities begins. A slow process, one you’re not suited for.

Time passes. Physical abilities wane.

No more ten miler Saturdays or fishing trips. No walking. Talking.

We try and do our part, accepting the challenge time and again. Scenes capture dozens of us dumping ice water over our heads, as if to numb ourselves.

June 2015, ventilation is necessary. Facebook updates go silent.
Memories comfort, strengthen.

They’re what’s left.

Along with inevitable knowledge.

And the waiting.

Ok, so I can hear you asking "what makes this a story and not some of the others?" This has a beginning (the first line); it has a middle ("we try and do our part") and it has an end (June 15)

There's change in the story (no more walking. Talking)

but what makes this story stand out is the rhythm. Look at how the sentences get shorter, as do the lines as though the narrator no longer has breath or strength. 

And the line that makes this heartbreaking "as if to numb ourselves"

This evoked intense emotion and is beautifully written.

(6) Just Jan 8:53pm

"Free association," my shrink says.

I nod. We've played before.

"Cat."

Damned thing came out of nowhere. "Feral."

"Driver."

I look suitably ashamed. "Inebriated."

"Oak."

Planted by my great-great-granddaddy. "Unscathed."

"Convertible."

My brother's pissed. "Totaled."

"Parents."

They're angry, too. "Numb."

"Mugshot."

So I got arrested. Does he have to harp on it? "Embarrassing."

"Savior."

This is supposed to be the scene where I let him undress me, and he keeps me out of juvy for another week. But today I go awry. "Rapist."

"Suicide."

He's faster than I. Our eyes lock as he plunges the needle into my arm. "Murder."

I like the lean elegance of this; the fast pace. There are no wasted words. The story is revealed elliptically, which is the purpose of free association of course, but the story that's revealed isn't the one you think it is at the start.

(7) allierat 9:29pm

“Help! My wool suit’s gone feral!” Neal yelled from above.
I raced upstairs to a messy scene. Tatters of silk, strips of linen, and bits of cotton layered the bedroom floor. The suit had attacked my special wry neck pillow; the pillow had vomited its feathers in fear. I felt numb with terror.
His hands bloody, Neal wrestled with the herringbone tweed. “Get scissors!” he screamed.
Instead, I grabbed Neal’s hunting knife from the closet and hacked the suit into pieces. It finally went limp.
“That does it!” I panted, surveying the carnage. “From now on, only polyester!”

the concept of a suit gone feral is just too wonderful not to recognize.

(8) Pharosian 2:33am

When I rolled up, Ortega's unit had already arrived. I climbed out of my cruiser and ducked under the yellow crime scene tape.

"What's the scoop?" I asked.

Ortega gestured to a man sitting on the curb wrapped in a blanket, bare legs sticking out.

"Numbnuts over there decided to parade around the women's auxiliary club in his birthday suit."

"So, who's the D. B.?"

Ortega flashed a wry smile. "Seems two of the ladies fought like feral hyenas and one of them stabbed the other."

"Fought about. . .?"

"Whether to call the police or invite him in."

there's just nothing like a good story with a great punch line.

This made me laugh out loud.




This week's winner is the first finalist: 

Timothy Lowe 8:02am. 

Timothy if you'll send me your mailing address, and the kind of books you like to read, we'll get you something delicious in the mail.


Congrats to all the finalists, and thanks to everyone who took the time to write an entry. It's a pleasure to read your work, and it's an increasing challenge to pick finalists, let alone a winner.