Over the years I have seen incredible queries on your other site. (A Comedy of Terrors. Worst case scenario. Everyone's favorite, Premeditated, still gives me goosebumps.)
The voice has always kicked the query to the front of the line; I have a query for my very soon to be query-able ms.
I actually have a few queries; my favorite has what I feel might be a problem.
It is written in a slight Maine accent...there is only one character in the story with that accent, but I feel it gives the query a certain edge.
Port Templar, 95,000 words Sci-Fiction
“Hello there, my name’s Gubby I run the garage up ta Port Templar. She’s a gorgeous Maine town that’s got everything; lobstah rolls, steamers, even sells lobstah magnets to them damn tourists.
I didn't know whether to include it as an example, but wanted to illustrate the effect I was going for.
No no no.
Do not write your query using the voice of a character. That is NOT the same thing as your "voice" as an author. What you've used above is vernacular and style particular to a character.
All the words in the query; which ones you choose and how you string them together: that's YOUR voice.
Here's voice: And so it came to pass that the writers found their way to a cave, rough-strewn with artifacts perhaps from those who had came before, decorated with odd markings on the wall, dimly lit by the sun dropping in the east. They decided, not without some bickering, they were writers after all, to tarry here for a while, hoping to find shelter and maybe a well-mixed martini.
It's the choice of words and phrases: "And so it came to pass" could have been "then" or "now" or any number of other choices.
"rough strewn" could have been "littered" and so on.
And it's not just diction (word choice) it's the rhythm of the sentence. And the twist at the end.
That's voice. That's what you're trying for. That's why you revise. Voice is found in revision. It's found in saying the sentences out loud. It's found in the first million words of practice. It's found in knowing the rules so you can break them with elegance and beauty. It's found in knowing a lot of lovely wonderful words so you use the perfect word, not the almost-right word, or worse: the over-used word.
Voice is who you are. Not who your characters are.