Yes, this is filled with whisky

Yes, this is filled with whisky

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Results for the "Help Ruth Get a Death Star" writing contest

Ruth Jordan needs a DeathStar (well, really, who doesn't??) and you all stepped up very nicely to help her get one!

Here are the results from the writing contest:
 
Special recognition for a great punch line-made me laugh out loud
Kregger 11:58am (allowed because I opened comments 5minutes early)
Kelly Johnson 12:14pm "Villains get results" should be a t-shirt!
Aurora 6:16pm

Recognition for double definition that is HILARIOUS in context:
Papillon crew "capuchin" is both (1) a friar belonging to a strict order of Franciscans and (2) a monkey


Recognition for a great line:
Patrick DiOrio 12:19pm "Grab the MAC and cheese it out the door" 

Special recognition for causing a double take of EPIC proportion,
aka  the "wait, WHAT???" award
Anna Roberts Moore 12:29pm

I have a soft spot for entries that are poems!
HeatherHawke 11:14am


And here are the finalists!

John Arkwright 11:58pm

From his porch, Curtis saw nothing special about Jennafay—pageboy haircut and stocky. She sang in a whisper, but Starseeker’s judges worshipped her. She’d soon leave for the finals. He’d be crunching pretzels before the TV, razoring her magazine pictures.

She’d win. They’d sculpt her face and body. Fake beauty. She’d return, not re
cognizing him. It would eat at him.

Fireworks burst behind his eyelids. His fingers remembered squishing ma’s cat’s throat Tuesday after Jennafay advanced.

Curt chose a hammer from his tools and crossed the street. They’d all know him. The cat was just the start of the
spree.


KayC 4:45am
They were holding a picture in front of her. There was so much blood. The hand under her chin was gentle. A bright light flashed in her eyes. They were talking about her.
“There’s no cognitive response, the pupils aren’t dilating, it’s like she’s estranged from her body.”
“Do you think she was responsible for the killing
spree?”
He turned away.
An insidious smile etched across her detached face, exposing dried blood on her teeth. She pulled a broken glass Christmas
star from under the scrunched magazine on her lap and lunged for the nearest throat.


Sandra Cormier 8:49am
I looked up from my magazine to see Carl staring at me from the break room doorway, crunching on a cereal bar.

"We're just two
cogs in the clock they call Star Enterprises," he said. "I'm goin' on a spree. Wanna come?"

I considered his words. The CEO had mown through most of the staff since the 10am coffee break, and it wouldn't be long before he reached us.

I looked under the table at Barb, the receptionist. I plucked the bloodied knife from her slack hand and wiped it with my paper napkin.

"Sure. I'm in."



Lynn(e) Schmidt 9:45am

Sick of reading my magazine full of half naked women and men on steroids, I decided to go on a shopping spree. Key in the ignition, the cogs of the engine ground and moaned as I drove down to the Town Hall and forced them to allow me to purchase a star. That bright one, over there on the left. Walking out, I balled the certificate until it crunched in my hands. Throwing it in the back seat, I smiled. It’s the first step in taking over the universe.


Tanis Mallow 11:15am
The Architect

Ruth crunched the final Lego cog into place and rubbed arthritic fingers. She was known for her brains and her elaborate constructions.
Jon wandered by. “First National?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“Amazing detail. You're a
star.”
“Thanks.”
“Girls on their way?”
She nodded. “Janet's driving.”
“Thought she'd retired south to fish.”
“Only 'til things cooled after her last freelance
spree.”
“I worry, she drives too fast.”
Ruth patted his knobbly hand. “Kinda the point.” Double-checked her gun's
magazine.
“Home for dinner?” he asked.
“That's the plan.”


Terri Lynn Coop  11:22am
Cashiering at Walmart sucks. However, being a pre-cog cashier at Walmart is the parking garage two levels below sucks. People put their shit on my conveyor and I absorb the residual energy from their sweaty fingerprints as I ring it up.

Healthstar Vitamins. Beep. Congrats lady, it's twins.

Colonel Crunchballs. Beep. Skateboard Dude, traffic never loses.

Hand sanitizer. Beep. The magazine headline screams "Ten Cashiers Killed in Walmart Shooting Spree."

Looking up, I saw the big 11 over my register. Covering my ears to block out the screams, I ducked under the counter. Then I remembered Dustin was on break.


NotJana 11:53am

"My shopping spree was a success!"

Carl continued to steer
star-shaped pasta into chicken soup. Maybe, by not turning around, this would end up much cheaper than he knew from experience. He'd crunched the numbers this morning and, without excessive spending, they should be okay.

"Smells good."

He hummed and turned to face her – and not a single shopping bag. No need for sneaking
cognac into his coffee, then. She laughed, giggled, really, and winked knowingly at him. "Window shopping." She waved a pregnancy magazine in front of him. "Mostly."

Carl grinned.

'Okay' was overrated anyway.



And the winner of the contest and a year's subscription to Crimespree magazine, and the satisfaction of knowing you helped Ruth get a DeathStar is:

 Tanis Mallow 11:15am 

My notes for this one say "masterpiece of subtlety" which is damn hard to carry off with 100 words and only 95 of your own choosing.

Congratulations!

Email me with your mailing address and we'll get you enrolled at Crimespree! (Hurry! The deadline for Ruth to get the DeathStar is Monday!)


14 comments:

Sandra Cormier said...

I was a finalist!! First time ever! Woop! Thanks for the fun contest, Janet.

Terri Lynn Coop said...

Honored to be on the finalist list with these fantastic stories and writers. Congrats to Tanis, the last two lines were beverage-spew worthy, I never saw them coming.

Terri

Rob Brunet said...

Way to go, Tanis! Gotta love your work-a-day bad gals.

Colin Smith said...

Well done, Tanis!

Another challenging contest, Janet. Thanks. :)

Tanis Mallow said...

Eek - very exciting news. Thanks everyone. There were some terrific (and to quote Terry Lynn Coop) "beverage-spew worthy" stories. Thanks as always, Janet, for your continued support of us writerly chum.
I sent my address to your Fine Print email, hope that's the correct one.

Support Death Star for Ruth! *Fist Pump*

@TanisMallow

Tanis Mallow said...

Oops that should have read: Terri. Sorry, Terri.

Rachel Schieffelbein said...

Congratulations, Tanis! Great story!

KayC said...

A worth winner - well done Tanis.
I got a real buzz just out of being a finalist, so thanks for the great opportunity Janet.

Kelly Johnson said...

Congrats Tanis!

And thanks for the special recognition! I'll get started on those t-shirts.

Tanis Mallow said...

Thanks guys!

Lynn(e) Schmidt said...

Congrats Tanis!

Thanks Janet for having me as a finalist :):):)

Anna Roberts Moore said...

Wait. What? Did I get special recognition or just a mention? Whichever it was, thank you, Janet! I think I might use mine as the beginning of a short story . . . to find out what the what is.
Congratulations, Tanis!
Also enjoyed yours Lynn(e) and Terri Lynn.

John Arkwright said...

Really good stuff, Tanis.

Janet Reid said...

Anna, quite right that the caption did not accurately convey the recognition. Thus, revised!