Saturday, March 12, 2011

It took awhile, but here are the 2/22/11 contest winners

Honestly, I've never laughed so hard reading the entries in a writing contest as I did this one.  You all really outdid yourselves!

Without further ado, here's the rundown:



These lines just cracked me up:

Alwayscoffee 8:55pm

I also have a hyphen addiction

Alywn 9:01pm
do you have a rich husband or something? (Because I do, and he tells me I’m brilliant!)

Tally 9:16pm

Internet Publishing and Self Publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch (they’re the protagonists of the novel.)
Lynn(e) 9:27pm

internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch (but with my help, I can protect your asshole, I have magical ass protecting powers).

Domain 10:10pm
Jesus Christ (was my agent for years, but he took me for every penny, so) do you have a rich husband or something? (Do you think he’d like me?)

Summer 10:55pm
but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read(so that it won’t distract you from your new role as Supreme Empress of the Written Word, Foreign and Audio included.)

Cheryl 11:56pm
Swim carefully, chum, ‘cuz from where I’m skulking the industry’s looking to order shark-fin soup.

kzukus 12:15am
Jesus Christ (even promised to blurb my book; at least that’s what the grilled cheese sandwich with his picture on it told me.)

Sarah 1:31am
I don't see how you make an income but then, I'm not a CPA with X-Ray vision- I'm just a cannibal with a keyboard… and a dream.  

Steve Forti 10:58am
my finest work since graduating from dynamite academy

Catherine 7:23pm
Ellipses are sooooo last week. Don't you think??? 


Several of you employed the Zombie Motif:

Dawn Embers 9:39pm

Rona 10:06pm

Katherine Hazen 11:15pm

Amber Argyle 12:02pm

One of you reached for The Bard for inspiration:
Shtrum 10:43pm

What's more inspiring than Aliens, and John Cusack!
Girl Friday 1:43am

Homage to The Shark, and the Mer-Bear
Marybk 3:29pm


Here are the entries that rose to the top:

Megan K. Bickel 9:13pm
p.s.- your industry is dying (because no other writer knows how to use the ellipse as art - like I do) you have already seen the implosion of Border's (because they have nothing but an apostrophe in their name) and B&N is not far behind (because they have only have that sad ampersand) internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch (because editors don’t get in the way of grammatical creativity there) but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read (because you claim “eye strain brought about by ellipse overload”). Jesus Christ (often spoke of the need for grammatical forgiveness). do you have a rich husband or something?(because I need a financier for my School..,. of,…. English,,….Writing,….and Tirades) and I don't see how you make an income (so you may want to sign up to be my first student).



Deadly Accurate 9:32pm
p.s.- your industry is dying (to see who drinks more, you or Barbara Poelle). you have already seen the implosion of Border's (co-op displays after a new Somers book is released,) and B&N is not far behind (you. You might want to file a restraining order.) internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch (which will go straight to its hips), but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read (by the late, great) Jesus Christ (and you better pray lightning doesn't strike you down.) do you have a rich husband or something? (And does he need a valet)? I don't see how you make an income (that exceeds your scotch intake).

A.S. 10:56pm
p.s.- your industry is dying for some great erotic fiction. Border Jones is a self-published author who misfiled her tax return. B&N Smith is the hunky IRS auditor. By the time you finish reading AUDIT ME, BABY you have already seen the implosion of Border's quivering love-button in a throbbing, mind-blowing orgasm, and B&N is not far behind – like all great heroes, he believes the lady should go first. When Border's best friend Amazon comes over during the audit, B&N tells them, "Ladies, the hottest auditor of internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch, if you're into that." Snookums, I know you're impatient to get home and finish reading this, in the bath, with your special showerhead, but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read, knowing that when you get home you're going to be shouting "Oh God! Jesus Christ! Show me your assets!" Do you have a rich husband or something more mechanical? Either way, you'll arrive at work with a smile tomorrow! If you're thinking, "I don't see how you make an income tax accountant look sexy," read AUDIT ME, BABY and find out!


Michael G-G 12:08am
p.s. This is what I proclaimed to fortify the spirits of my Gospel writers in this agnostic age: Your industry is dying to laud and honor you for your work bringing good news to the poor and setting captives free. You have already seen the implosion of Border's (sp?) between Judea and Egypt, and B&N is not far behind, (my code name for Herod, “Bellicose & Nuts”). Even if wiseacres claim that, two thousand years from now, something called internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch, (pardon my French), I advise you to retort, with my blessing: “But you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read, you biblical illiterates.” Moreover, many are the snakes, the Judases or Dan Browns, who would put words into the mouth of our beloved son Jesus Christ, having him ask Magdalene “do you have a rich husband or something? Girlfriend, I don't see how you make an income spilling oil all over the place and wiping guys’ feet with your hair.”

What folderol. That’s why I created editors and red pencils.

Blessings to all four of you,

The Maker of All Things, Visible and Invisible

Jared X 12:28am
p.s.- your industry is dying/ (and there can be no denying)/ you have already seen the implosion of Border's/ (too expensive were their bricks and mortars)/ and B&N is not far behind/ (to close more stores they'll be inclined)/ internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch/ (and who of us rejected writers won't laugh a bunch?)/ but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read/ (perhaps you'll reconsider my novel instead/even) Jesus Christ (would've been enticed)/ do you have a rich husband or something/(and might he be Stephen King?!)/ I don't see how you make an income (rejecting great novels when just the query's dumb/ Your rejection of my work was quite obtuse/ Warmest Regards, Dr. Seuss.....)




I purposely did not ask for the entries in story form. Honestly I didn't think it was possible to write a story from these particular prompts.  Oh boy was I wrong:


Special recognition for Outstanding Achievement Using Narrative:
Papillon crew 1:23pm

“P.S. Your industry is dying.” Helen shook her head. “I know you have already seen the implosion.”
“Of Border's Ranch?” I asked, squinting at the choppy picture of Helen on the screen.
“And B&N is not far behind.”
“Well, roping cattle isn’t what it was, but Buckwheat & Nancy treats their people like shit.” No excuse for that.
“...internet publishing and self-publishing.”
“Helen, turn that damn radio off. This Skype crap is bad enough already.”
“...is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch,” she finished, glaring.
“Watch your mouth, young lady.” Why my daughter had to harass an old cowboy was beyond me.
“But you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read!” Helen clenched her fists.
“Jesus Christ, Helen.” I peered at her. “I’m not going to read those old man articles.” Grinning assholes in turtlenecks and recliners.
“Dad, please. David says...”
“Oh, do you have a rich husband or something?” I asked. She inhaled deeply. Helen hated when I brought up David. That smooth-handed bastard.
“Dad,” she said quietly, “I worry about you. I don't see how you make an income.”
“Oh, honey,” I said. “What’s this bullshit? ‘Make an income.’ Kiddo, I live.”


 Special recognition for Outstanding Achievement Using Narrative:
Shaunna 8:04pm

"Your industry is dying," Vanymeir says, wiping his bloody sword on the grass and sheathing it again. "You have already seen the implosion of Border's."
"Who's that?" Lisander asks. "That gutter town thirty leagues to the east?"
Vanymeir nods. "And B&N is not far behind."
"Bristol and Navarre?" Lisanders sighs and scratches his head. "You know what Falerall said, right? 'Internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch.' Any idea what that means?"
"He's crazy, that's what it means." Vanymeir looks Lisander in the eye. "You're a scribe. You could do something about it while you have the chance, but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read."
"There's no way that text was an accurate biography of Jesus Christ!"
"So? Do you have a rich husband or something?" Vanymeir laughs mirthlessly and shakes his head. "I don't see how you make an income."
"I have a standard to uphold. Everyone keeps talking about some German guy with a machine that can write words, but how will that machine know what words are worth writing?"
Vanymeir squints at the hillside. "If it's not one monster it's another. I'm just glad I have a sword."

Special recognition for Outstanding Achievement Using Lyrics:
Jesse 1:46pm

Your White Knight
A “query” sung by Randy Newman


Your industry is dyin’, you know that I’m not lyin’,

You’ve already seen the implosion(,) Border's is erodin’

and B&N isn’t* far behind-

Not that I needed to remind…

Now Listen Janet,

I know you have a hunch,
That, internet and self-publishing is going to eat you* for lunch,

I don’t want to go from A to Zed,
but you* keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read-

Who do you think you are, Jesus Christ?
Sorry, that wasn’t nice,

But, do you have a rich husband or something, baby?
Or, are you looking, maybe?

‘Cause, I don't see how you make an income,
without me,
I’m the next Grisham-

(refrain)



Now honestly, how the HECK do you expect me to pick the winner from these three entries?  

Short of rock, paper, scissors there's only one solution: all three win.

Jesse, Shaunna and Papillon crew, send me your mailing address and what kinds of books you like to read  and we'll scour the shelves for a good prize to reward your amazing entries.


Truly, you ALL were hilarious, and it really does help give us perspective on the crapola when we have some fun with it.

Thanks everyone for contributing!


15 comments:

Michael G-G said...

The Almighty would like it to be known, via my Neale Donald Walsch-like manifestation, that He is very pleased to have "risen to the top."

He commends you, Janet, on wading through the ellipses.

And He is very proud of Jesse, Shaunna, and Papillon crew for displaying their God-given Genius to such good effect. He is currently in the studio, recording "Your White Knight," and hoping to upload soon to YouTube.

Blessings!

Margaret Yang said...

These were so much fun to read!

My day=made.

Lynn(e) said...

yey!!! i got a shout out!!!

that contest was awesome! thanks guys!

Christine Tyler said...

Amen to multiple winners. The lovelies who used narrative had me rolling.

suzie townsend said...

Congrats to everyone who entered and the winners! These entries were so fun to read :)

Melissa said...

These are great! As I read through the jabs at self-publishing, I'm reminded of how I LMAO when rumor started circulating that the digital age was forcing the music industry down the crapper. No way! The big guys who gave us Duran Duran, et al. and countless .alt bands? Now that there are approximately all of ... I dunno, *three* artists promoted by the music industry (and they all have celebrity perfumes), I merely permit myself to giggle.

Nervously.

Joel said...

I love these contests. I always feel like I'm judging cupcakes.

I'm going to sit in a corner and compliment the winners with my mouth full until either the EMTs wheel me out or I am shrouded in wrappers.

I love the way you all cook.

Girl Friday said...

Most honoured to get a mention :) Congrats to the winners! Very funny stuff :)

Sheila JG said...

I'm in awe of the creativity here. Hilarious.

Congratulations, all!

Slush said...

Made my night! For all that creativity then someone has to be able to craft a decent query.

Awesome job and thanks for the laugh.

alwayscoffee said...

This contest was extremely fun. I kept checking back to read the other entries. I laughed a lot, too.

Congrats to the winners!!!

Thanks for the shout out! ~Ali

Summer said...

Famous!

These really were all hilarious, but I was floored by the creativity of the narrative entries. Congratulations!

Kathryn Paterson said...

Wow. These are all fantastic! (Love the one with the parentheses).

Papillon crew said...

Thank you, thank you. I'm honored. (And delighted to have read the news before heading offshore.)

jesse said...

Despite the fact that I'd like to see another one of these letters, I sincerely hope that the author (and all other authors in his/her position) refrain from making this mistake in the future.

That said, Kudos all around. These were fun to read, and I look forward to hearing His remix of White Knight.