Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Slushpile Hell FTW

Slushpile Hell pulls brief sentences from Those Who Shall Remain CluelessTM

If you read the blog, you're never going to end up on it.

Today's example:

I don’t have a particular book to propose, as I am comfortable in many areas. I’ve written a few lines below to give you my style. You can tell me what kind of book I should write.

And I’ve written a few lines below to give you my style. You can tell me which one you like as an answer to your query:

a. No

b. Hell no

c. Please direct all your future queries to the fine agents at William Morris

24 comments:

Matt Ryan said...

I have many outfits to choose from. As you can see, they're all stylish. You pick what I should wear today.

P.S. You can tie my shoes for me too.

Joanne Levy said...

c. made me spit out my coffee. I should have known better. But it was worth it.

Cowgirl in the City said...

Oh my. I can't believe that actually happened! Wow.

Laraine Eddington said...

Thanks. That just made me feel a whole lot better about my own query.

Erin said...

Thanks,
hoping to make a query in the near future and laughing at what not to do is refreshing while I am sifting through the endless list of to do's.

Meg @ Fantasy LOL said...

It boggles my mind that somebody would ever thing someone was ever going to tell them what book they should write.

All those hilarious slushpile posts make me slightly more optimistic about my chances of getting published.

jdh said...

Dear Agent:

I am planning on teaching a seminar this fall on how to get published. Since it takes so long to write a book, I have decided to find out what I can get published before writing it.

Please tell me what I should write to get published. Once published, I will gladly provide your name to other people who want to get published, but don't want to waste a lot of time writing.

I am hoping for a quick turnaround, as my seminar is scheduled to begin the first week of October. Time is ticking.

Sincerely,
[NAME REDACTED]

Eileen said...

My favorite on Slush Pile Hell is the Katie Holmes query response. I laughed so hard when I read that.

Shelley Watters said...

I was floored when I read that post this morning. I figured it had to be a joke. No writer (or aspiring, or person considering possibly being a writer) would seriously write a query to an agent would they? Seriously?

I think this fits in your 'TSTL' category.

middle grade ninja said...

I would like to write a runaway bestseller. Please advise.

E. Ann Bardawill said...

Wow.

That's precious.

See, I totally would have messed with her mind.

"Write a Vampire cookbook for vegetarians. Good luck!"

E. Ann Bardawill said...

Wow.

That's precious.

See, I totally would have messed with her mind.

"Write a Vampire cookbook for vegetarians. Good luck!"

Stephanie said...

I stop by this blog nearly every single day...it never ever fails to give me a good laugh!!! Love it!!

Fanfreakingtastic Flower said...

You know, lady, some people have to pretend to work these days.

Uncontrollable giggles DO tend to tip off the boss about the pretending part.

ryan field said...

Ha! They'll love this over at WM :)

Joanne Sher said...

Oh my. I laughed like CRAZY - and followed.

Geoff said...

Slushpile Hell is awesome. I wish I had a Tumblr still, I would re-post everything on it!

christwriter said...

It is really sad that my first reaction to Slushpile Hell is not mockery. It's "OMG HOW CAN I BE SURE I DID NOT DO THIS IN MY QUERY?????"

Brain says, "Have me."

"BUT HOW CAN I BE SURE I HAVE YOU?"

"You're thinking, aren't you?"

"BUT HOW CAN I KNOW THAT I REALLY DO HAVE YOU AND THAT YOU ARE WORTH HAVING AND THAT I AM NOT A TALENTLESS HACK MORON WHOSE FAMILY WAS ONLY COMPLIMENTING BECAUSE--"

Brain puts fingers in ear. "I'll come back later"

Piper Quinn said...

Here's hoping there aren't a lot of people recovering from abdominal surgery reading you, because that was some stitch-ripping hilariousness. You should write a book :)

P

The Frisky Virgin said...

Mind boggling. I cannot believe someone actually sent that to you! Wow. Just...wow.

laughingwolf said...

i see nothing wrong... that 20 years of remedial writing classes might cure! :O lol

Tawna Fenske said...

When I first thought about trying my hand at fiction 8+ years ago, I remember some helpful soul telling me about how the "Hardy Boys" books were written by a number of different professional writers who were given assignments and asked to craft the books using a formula. The aforementioned helpful soul thought maybe I could just contact a publisher and say, "lookie here, I'm a longtime journalist & marketing writer, let's say you send me one of those assignments."

Fortunately, I knew enough even in my extreme ignorance to suspect publishing had changed a bit since 1927, but I do believe that's the sort of thinking that prompts people to send you stupid inquiries like this. Writers hear a story along those lines, and assume that must be how the business runs.

Sadly, they don't bother to do just a smidgen of research to determine that's not the case.

Tawna

Natalie L. Sin said...

Oh my...

Russo said...

This post made me laugh out loud- I can't believe you have to deal with all this as an agent.

I love this blog, BTW.