I'm no exception.
Please pay close attention. This list supersedes all other guidelines.
1. I will only consider fiction novels. Please make sure you're writing a fiction novel before querying.
2. I will only consider novels that are more than 250,000 words (mega novels)
3. I require the novel to be in at least three fonts, one of which should be zapf dingbats, and one of the other two should be in the italic narrow version.
4. I will only consider novels passed on by other agents. Please quote their rejection letters verbatim in your query.
5. I will only consider novels that have more than 25 occurrences of "mouse fart" "death kitten" "wombat of terror" and "that's what she said." I have "Cntrl Find"
6. I like to involve my blog readers in my query process, so leave off any kind of contact information. The blog readers will track you down, and if they like you, let me know how to reach you. Thus, be nice to everyone who seems to send a spam email. You never know what they're really looking for.
7. I like to help my interns learn to edit so please don't run spell check before you sent the manuscript. Don't run the grammar check either.
8. I like to encourage my godsends to fight over manuscripts, so please make sure you query every agent at FPLM at the same time. Make sure you include "to whom it may concern" as well as both "Sir" "Madam" and "Snookums."
9. Include the phrase "I've read and followed your direction of 4/1/10" in the subject line.
10. And remember, you'll receive an instant detailed critique, so if you haven't heard back within twenty minutes, send another email reminding me you're waiting.
If this is too much for you, there are other agents out there:
New submission guidelines! Make sure to read and follow!