Recently I needed to send some dough to a pal of mine.
The bank wanted to charge me $25 for one ACH transfer so I
thought
"I will be Frugal! I will be Cost Conscious! I'll use this other electronic payment thing they have."
I text my pal: get yourself set up on this other electronic payment thing so I can remit wads of filthy lucre to you.
Pal: Done!
Me: Sent!
Bank: oh ho not so fast my precious.
Bank: we're locking your account because it's clear Someone is Fucking About With Your Money!
Bank: Call this number for customer service
Me: Dials.
Bank automated person: What? You thought I meant call NOW? Silly girl. We're closed. Try again.
(and there was evening and there was morning on the first day)
Next day
Me: Ring
BAP: Enter your account number!
Me: tap tap tap
BAP: please enjoy this lovely soothing klezmer ska music while you're on hold
(and there was evening and there was morning on the second day)
Bank Real Person: Hello! How can I help you?
Me (singing along with klezmer ska): oh, ok hello. You have locked my account, can you help me.
BRP: delighted to. What's your name? And your account number?
Me: (struggles to remember name) Digs out check book. Recites number.
BRP: Ok, I'm going to transfer you to an automated voice system that will ask you for three pieces of information to verify your identity.
Me: uh, what?
BRP: Your phone will ring.
Me: this phone I'm on now?
BRP: yes.
Me: I don't know how to answer a call while I'm on hold.
(long pause for BRP to recalibrate in order to deal with True Idiot.)
True Idiot aka me: But I can try (translation: I'll do anything to get off this call)
BRP: Great please hold
(and there was evening and there was morning on the third day)
BRP: Sorry about that, we had some mechanical difficulties. I'm going to try again now.
Me: (weakly) sure, anything.
BAP: Hello! This is your Automated Customer Service Rep! Enter your debit card number!
Me: tap tap tap
BAP: Enter the expiration number on your card!
Me: tap tap tap
BAP: Enter your security code!
Me: tap tap....jesus, WHAT?? ok, TAP.
Bank Real Person: Great! We've now verified you for the next stage.
Me: Next stage?
BRP: What state issued your social security card?
Me: (panicked) Oregon?
BRP: how much did you weigh when you got married the first time?
Me: what?
BRP: What's the address of the third place you lived after college?
Me: WHAT?
BRP: You know if you use this electronic transfer payment system, we can't get the money back even if you send it to the wrong place.
Me: WHAT?????
BRP: We've unlocked your account. Have a nice day. (Translation: pay $25 for the ACH or we'll just lose the money and pretend we don't know you.)
Back to wheelbarrows of cash for me.
Source: @womensart
I had a similar experience with PayPal's new Xoom service. I set the transfer up fine, I needed it there the next day (one account at one credit union to my account at another credit union) and rather than the 24 to 48 hours, which would have still been not great but okay, it took a week! A WEEK! So, I went back to the online banking at my bank and picked 'send a payment it will get there the next day.' Filled out everything, hit send, the money moved in six hours.
ReplyDeleteMoral to the story, don't use third party programs. They're not worth it.
We voted absentee two weeks ago and hand delivered the ballots to our clerk's offce so I'm going grocery shopping today and then, who knows?
I'm at work as usual. Our accreditation organization keeps saying "We're coming" then not coming, so Boss and I have been working weekends too just in case. Daughter's having surgery today. Hubby's working the polls as he's done every election for years. Son is volunteering to feed and walk the dogs since he lives just a few minutes away.
ReplyDeleteI got sick of my credit card being hacked, plus don't think it's anyone's business what I purchase and I hate to be tracked so I've gone old school - cash only. Freaks some cashiers out. You quickly find out who can count and who can't.
Voted after work last Sunday. Five minutes from the time I hit the parking lot to getting my little sticker. Wahoo!
Wishing everyone well. It certainly has been an interesting year.
So (not really) funny, so darn true.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this phrase in particular: "lovely soothing klezmer ska music." It will play in my head all day.
I was once locked out of my bank account because I couldn't remember my best friend's name. I tried every person I'd ever shared a meal with—even my own name. Nothing. I expected some mocking message to come up and tell me, you have no best friend! You'll die alone!
ReplyDeleteI have had surprisingly good luck sending money with Venmo.
ReplyDeleteI am trying to stay hidden from the election. Got a rock I bought in Idaho that might be big enough to crawl under.
ReplyDeleteMaybe I will just break out some Brave Combo and get a klezmer/ska fix.
I am trying to cut down on digital money transfers, something strange always happens to me, or it takes eighty times longer than just writing an old fashioned check.
Yikes! I keep thinking I should get Venmo or Zelle, but I'll probably stick to checks.
ReplyDeleteStarting the penultimate chapter of my Dale Evans biography today. That should keep my mind off other things.
Have a peaceful day, everyone.
So frustrating! Sometimes it seems like there are so many "improvements" that nothing actually works.
ReplyDeleteYou had me at "klezmer ska music"!
ReplyDelete(Also, I like and can recommend Zelle.)
ReplyDeleteGive a man a gun and he may rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he will rob the world.
ReplyDelete- Anonymous (with slight alterations by Yours Truly)
Thanks for that link, Craig F. That will keep me going all day.
ReplyDeleteThe parents whose 5-year-olds I tutor for online kindergarten pay me via CashApp, and it all worked swimmingly until it started acting glitchy last week. One of the things I'm anxiously awaiting today is the little check mark that will tell me that my hard-earned wages have been deposited into my account and not someone else's. Just a clueless Gen-Xer living in a Gen-Z world. I'm very thankful to have these kindergarten squirrels to wrangle today -- they make it impossible to think about anything whatsoever.
Don't get me started on banks. We moved a year ago and left our account in our old city. No problem. We wrote checks, paid bills electronically and used the shared credit union function when we needed it.
ReplyDeleteEnter Covid. And we needed more than $300 you could get from ATM. Lobbies closed, only allowed drive-thru. All the credit unions here would not allow NON members to use the drive through service. We coped, but it took a little thing into a time-consuming thing.
As far as today, we have 3 little people coming for "Cooking Class." We have done peach cobbler, and grind and mix handmade sausage patties. And lime-maple glazed carrots. But today I want low-key, so we will make three logs of herbed butter and then take the kiddoes to the playground.
And send them home with carrots. I somehow bought 50# of carrots yesterday.
I do Western Union. It's scary how quick/well it works, but it's not free. I send money to family overseas that way. Anybody else can wait a few days for a check.
ReplyDeleteBut PayPal has worked very well for me as well.
I voted and now I'm working. At least it's not raining and not windy, so being outside is in the wings.
Stay safe everyone,
I know that feeling. Me a bank customer? More like me a bank sucker.
ReplyDeleteI have been using XE.com for several years now and never had any problems - in fact as well as not charging me $25, their exchange rates for overseas are better than my bank's! (No, I'm not an employee or an affiliate - just happy with them.)
I obviously don't understand banking systems in the US. We have national banks, so you can usually find a bank in your flavour in most places you go to.
ReplyDeleteI had a very similar conversation with our internet provider. But rather than an auto-phone system, they kept wanting me to go to their website on my computer... right, with no internet I was to do that how? *sigh*