DoY: AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
(crash sounds resonate throughout apartment)
Me: (bolt upright from sound sleep) HOLY WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE??
DoY: AhHA (sound of small cat making large pounce reverberates, sets off four car alarms on adjacent street.)
Me: (stumbling from hammock) Your Grace?
DoY: GOTCHA! (begins yodeling)
Me: Dear god, it's 3am why are you singing Ride of the Valkyries?
DoY: I vanquished The Enemy! I am the Mightiest Cat in all the Land.
Me: (flips kitchen light switch, squints at sudden brightness) What, this?
DoY: YeS! (yodels again) It tried to attack me but I Slew it. Slew it DEAD.
Me: Your grace, this the empty plastic bag from Chinese delivery last night.
DoY: Not any more. Now it is toast.
Me: please do not try to eat this.
DoY: You never provide enough food.
Me: (realizing a lost cause when it appears in fur form) Here, have some tuna.
Plastic bags are taking over the world, especially those with the scent of food within their folds and wrinkles.
ReplyDeleteBless all warriors brave enough to slew the beasts of plastic !
Meow.
So, publication date of the DoY book please.
Vacation day?
ReplyDeleteHappy vacation!
ReplyDeleteI am also on vacation. Hubby had his long-awaited surgery yesterday and is safely ensconced in the hospital with lights and air conditioning.
We are still without power. When the pups get hot they run to the car. I charge my phone and they relax in the a/c. The cats are fine. They think we're wusses. It's too hot to sleep so I've been reading scary books by flashlight. Haven't done that since I was ten.
I took the dogs out at 4 a.m. without a flashlight. Didn't need one. I think I'm going feral.
I also think I have a better chance of seeing a unicorn than a power truck. Could be worse. Glad it's not.
Is it just cat owners who read tales like this and smile fondly?
ReplyDeleteMine prefers to sit on my chest at 6 in the morning and purr like some sort of farm machinery. Naturally, the rest of the time he's not so interested in company.
I love this!
ReplyDeleteA few nights ago Harper (with much deep growling and beating of Feline American chest), slew a minuscule mouse.
ReplyDeleteThe next day Ramona brought in a large unknown rodent and dropped it at our feet.
So there! says she. I be the Tiger Queen.
Sharyn and Speedy are on Cape Cod. A perfect vacation day! I interviewed Mom on video for a family history piece.
I would say enjoy your vacation, Janet, but it sounds like DoY has other plans for you. (I'm sure you'll have a great time with her highness anyway!)
ReplyDeleteA vacation? How sublime.
ReplyDeleteIn all seriousness, your Majesty, have you considered rendering your adventures with the Duchess of Yowl into book form? You should. The Queen and The Duchess Go On Vacation - a hilarious tale of a regal shark and a demanding feline vying for power while enjoying adult fruity beverages and tuna.
Happily, when I'm sleeping, Elka is typically sleeping as well. For better or worse, a sometimes clumsy 70 pound bedmate (it's particularly nice in the winter).
ReplyDeleteWhen I'm awake, though, and if I'm not paying proper attention to the princess, she uses one of her shaped/cued behaviors to remind me of such (and perhaps point out just how darned helpful she is) by bringing me things, like empty plastic bags, or peoples' water bottles. She once pulled a friend's wallet from his pocket and trotted over to me with it!
Her newest trick is closing doors. Fantastic in the kitchen (we practice on the fridge door and one of the cabinets), terrible if she goes upstairs to laze on the bed, closes the door behind her, and realizes she's trapped. next up.....opening doors?
Happy vacation, Janet. I'm looking forward to the saga of your adventures with DoY. It's been awhile!
ReplyDeleteI miss having cats. I always had one when I was growing up, but, sadly, the day came when I had to choose the greater good of being able to breathe on a regular basis. So my kids are stuck with fish. Which they like - they are devoted to Alfred, Goldie, Zippy and Leopard. But you can't cuddle a fish. At least, not more than once.
ReplyDeleteThis reminds me of when my oldest kids were toddlers, and one of our now-departed cats was a kitten. One day the little kitty wandered into the living room with a diaper in his mouth, as if he had just slayed a mighty beast. Thankfully it was an unused diaper, but still extremely cute and picture-worthy. :)
ReplyDeleteI hope you and DoY have a wonderful vacation, Janet!
My Labrador is currently following the DoY's example. I have dead plastic bags all around me from the local grocery store.
ReplyDeleteNot only dead, but tortured.
Enjoy your vacation - I have to go save the apple I was going to ea... oh, hell.
-Nemo
For who can stand against the DoY? Not a plastic bag!
ReplyDeleteMy cats are too lazy to be bothered with moving things, but my (60-lb) mutt goes ballistic when there is a fly in the house. She hunts any buzzer down with a ferocity. I would stop her, but... it's nice not having flies.
And, hope your vacation is incredible, Janet!
ReplyDeleteWell, at least the raccoons didn't get in through the cat door.
ReplyDeleteMy cat, Baby, has been shedding, getting ready for winter, and SHE BLINDED ME WITH CAT FUR.
ReplyDeleteOur beautiful boy, Beau-Henry, drools when he purrs. Excessively. It's disgusting. One recent night he was kneading my pillow and purring his heart out. Neither activity woke me. A dollop of drool in my ear did. Talk about a rude awakening.
ReplyDeleteMr. Snoe, How exciting that you're querying. Is there a "break a leg" type phrase for wishing fellow writers good luck? If not, there should be.
We have guest horses here at the sanctuary. Evacuees from FL. I can't turn them out with the gen pop as their owner doesn't want them canoodling with the Proud Spirit ruffians. I'm off to muck paddocks.
Janet, YAY on the vacation day.
I live for your DoY posts.
ReplyDeleteMelanie: So what you're saying is, no horse play? No foaling around? No being excessively neigh-borly?
ReplyDeleteI could go on. Sadly. ;)
Happy Vacation!! Love Duchess updates. I'm being forced to give Loaner Cat back to Daughter #2 Saturday and am not happy, but we didn't want her upset with the window installers. I'm afraid she'd try one of her leaps out the window, even though she's so fat she can barely jump up on the couch...
ReplyDeleteThe time I took my beloved cat Tuffy into Oakland in my Camaro with Judas Priest blaring on the cassette deck. He didn't want to go, but I wanted to show him off at a friend's house. When I opened the driver side door, he bolted, ran under some cars deep down the driveway of a shady-looking house, and would not come out. It would have been madness at that hour and that neighborhood to go further onto the adjacient property, so I went to the party instead, alone.
ReplyDeleteI never saw Tuffy again--no, alternate ending, Disney, he found his way home.
Janet Reid's story is more fact than fiction.
ReplyDeleteMy cat, Brigada, prefers the paper bag variety (and opening doors and knocking things off desks, counters, and tables).
It makes me feel better to know you have such a mighty protector by your side during this vacation period. Enjoy.
ReplyDeleteLMAO! Loving this. Oddly, it's making me hungry, which I find more disappointing than interesting.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy vacation, Janet. Whatever is the opposite of vacation, that's what I'm on right now.
OT that might interest folks here: Crimespree Magazine is no longer accepting fiction. The good news from that: Technically, I haven't been rejected (yet) this week.
Our crew of felines isn't particularly into bags, whether plastic or paper.
ReplyDeleteThey're just into plastic, regardless of how it's shaped. "If it crinkles, then I nibbles," is the anthem around here.
We shall not discuss what it does to their excretory systems.
The old tuna trick! That's the second time I've fallen for that this week...
ReplyDeleteHappy vacation, Janet :-)
One of our cats is into hair bands--you know, the rubber band things used to make ponytails. With six girls in the house, most of whom have long hair, you can imagine there are a fair few floating around the domicile. And a number of them end up in the cat litter...
ReplyDeleteHope your vacation goes well, Janet! And yay for Duchess of Yowl stories!
ReplyDeleteYesterday, Mum and I got a cat tree someone was going to throw away. Mum's having a catio built in her back yard - a cat run, 6 feet wide, 6 feet high, and 16 feet long - so I thought she might like an old cat tree in there. My mum is so impressed with it, she's keeping it in the house for awhile. Her cat is also impressed he can scratch it without getting yelled at. I'm jealous - when we were toddlers, Mum kept us in a chickenwire coop much smaller than that catio...
My cats are still kittens really, and just honing their hunting skills. The friendly one keeps bringing us gifts and wanting to be thanked and admired for her prowess and skill at slaying her vicious prey. It's hard not to laugh when said prey is in fact woodchips from the garden... But at least it's not worms. My last kittens always hunted worms to present proudly to me.
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like the Duchess has your number, but prefers to dial you at 3 am.
BWHAHAHAHAHA!
Ah yes, the joys of owning cats. I grew up with four cats (and a dog) and I remember the dropping of "treasures" at people's feet. I don't have any pets now, because they're not allowed where I live.
ReplyDeleteOut of all the cats I've had, my favorite was Buffy, a little tan kitty. That critter was the one who took down our Christmas tree one year. My father had just gotten the tree into the stand and was in the process of tightening the screws when Buffy came out of nowhere and jumped on the tree.
After rocking side to side a couple of times...boom! Down came the tree. Buffy ran for her life and hid under my bed as my father screamed every obscenity known to man. Buffy avoided the tree (and my father) for the rest of the holiday season.
Enjoy your vacation, Janet!
One of my cats growing up was a mighty hunter of hummingbirds. She didn't kill them. She liked to catch the birds, bring them inside, and release them. I became proficient at catching hummingbirds on the ceiling fan and taking them back outside.
ReplyDeleteOnce we cut down the honeysuckle attracting said hummingbirds, she'd bring in snakes and the odd mouse or two. But she never killed anything.
My current cat is energetic enough to bite plastic, and that's it. I'm fine with that.
Sleepy One
ReplyDeleteCatching hummingbirds is a rare talent