When I saw this on Twitter it cracked me up completely.
Then I realized it was a perfect sentence for a Mad Libs kind of contest.
In honor of the author, think of it as Lipp-Libs!
Here's the contest: replace "missing credit card" with a new three word phrase, and "the filter in the dishwasher" with a location (word count not specified.)
Post in the comment column of this blog post.
Contest opens at 7am.
Contest closes around 7pm.
All are Eastern Daylight Time zone.
Prize? OF COURSE!
The new Jeff Somers writing book of course!
Oops too late; contest closed!
Results on Thursday cause I'm slothing about with Her Grace; my time with her is ending this weekend and I will be furribly deprived after Saturday.
I knew that I would find the missing TV remote somewhere in my house, but I had no money on “where it belonged.”
ReplyDeleteI knew that I would find my mother’s antediluvian morals somewhere in my house, but I had no money on the hunky underwear ad sleeping in the guest room.
ReplyDeleteI knew I would find my next story line somewhere in my house, but I had no money on the previous litter box location
ReplyDeleteI knew I would find Jeff Somer’s missing pants somewhere in my house but I had no money on the liquor cabinet in the World Domination Cloak Room.
ReplyDeleteI knew I would find my porridge-scented home invader somewhere in my house, but I had no money on 'asleep in my bed'.
ReplyDeleteI knew that I would find my tenacious wife’s admiration somewhere in my house, but I had no money on “the family room where I escorted a spider back outside.”
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI knew I would find my missing pizza cutter somewhere in my house, but I had no money on several month's later, in the dog's lair in the woods.
ReplyDeleteI knew I would find panda chair socks somewhere in my house, but I had no money on the octopus-by-day and spider-by-night pawning them off.
ReplyDeleteI knew I would find my missing abs somewhere in my house, but I had no money on the kegerator in the basement, and it was empty. Natty Lites, at the bar on me!
ReplyDeleteI knew I would find my idiot anxious cat somewhere in the house, but I had no money on “behind the backboard of the kitchen cupboard, from where he would have to be sawn out”.
ReplyDelete(true story)
I knew that I would find my troubled teenagers diary somewhere in my house, but I had no money on the bottom of the kitty litter box...
ReplyDeleteI knew I would find my kid’s Christmas elf somewhere in my house, but I had no money on inside the iguana Stuffie's hidden mouth gullet. (True Christmas Eve panic story)
ReplyDeleteI knew that I would find my mother’s life savings somewhere in my house but I had no money on rubies, sapphires, emeralds, opals and pearls in dusty fifty-year-old paper envelopes stuffed in cardboard boxes under her bed.
ReplyDeletealso a true story. I have a cat story too!
I knew that I would find my daughter's hair band somewhere in my house, but I had no money on "the cat litter."
ReplyDeleteI knew that I would find my sense of humour somewhere in my house, but I had no money on the empty ‘Offers of Representation’ folder.
ReplyDeleteI already have the book so, if I win, send bagels.
I knew that I would find my muse somewhere in my house, but I had no money on the 80 year old Elvis impersonator.
ReplyDeleteI knew that I would find my son and daughter somewhere in my house, but I had no money on "hiding in the dryer."
ReplyDelete***
Bonus points for true stories?
I knew I would find my dear damnable dignity somewhere in my house, but I had no money on the lid of my latest Ben and Jerry's.
ReplyDeleteI knew that I would find my best selling novel somewhere in my house, but I had no money on "the portal to an alternate universe hidden down the back of the couch."
ReplyDeleteI knew that I would find my fluffing coffee cup somewhere in my house, but I had no money on the hole in the basement wall that leads to the crawl space under the bathroom.
ReplyDeleteI knew that I would find my missing engagement ring somewhere in my house, but I had no money on “third finger, left hand - of my sister. ”
ReplyDeleteI knew that I would find my emergency cyanide pills somewhere in my house, but I had no money on "my wine glass."
ReplyDeleteI knew that I would find my mistress's missing lingerie somewhere in my house, but I had no money on "underneath my wife's current outfit."
ReplyDeleteI already have Jeff's book, as you probably noticed when I blamed you on Twitter for that fact. If I win, almost anything but pants will do. I'm with Jeff on that topic.
I knew that I would find those frozen peas somewhere in my house, but I had no money on "between the box spring and the mattress."
ReplyDeleteI knew that I would find my cat's hiding spot somewhere in my house, but I had no money on the toilet bowl.
ReplyDeleteI knew I would find my son's baby tooth somewhere in my house, but I had no money on it being in the bottom of the popcorn bowl along with the old maids.
ReplyDeleteI knew that I would find my red pumps somewhere in my house but I had no money on finding them beneath a tasteful size 14 frock in the back of my son's closet.
ReplyDeleteI knew I would find my favorite writing pants somewhere in my house, but I had no money on “nonexistent."
ReplyDeleteI knew that I would find my wife’s mistress hidden somewhere in my house, but I had no money on in the chest freezer with her throat slit.
ReplyDeleteI knew that I would find my son’s pet tarantula somewhere in my house, but I had no money on “snuggled up to my alarm clock.”
ReplyDeleteI knew I would find my dead aunt's ghost somewhere in my house, but I had no money on 'the bathroom mirror.'
ReplyDeleteI knew that I would find evidence of guilt somewhere in my house, but I had no money on his finger-tip tangled in her blood-matted hair.
ReplyDeleteI knew that I would find that damn cat somewhere in my house, but I had no money on her lapping up spilled whiskey in my half-open desk drawer.
ReplyDeleteI knew that I would find his new assistant somewhere in my house, but I had no money on dead in the master shower.
ReplyDeleteI knew that I would find my heirloom silver spoons somewhere in my house, but I had no money on "in the Duchess of Yowl's cheeks."
ReplyDeleteI knew that I'd find our three AWOL donkeys somewhere on our property, but I had no money on them sashaying along our easement - on the wrong side of the fence, next to the highway - with a police escort.
ReplyDelete"Are these your donkeys, ma'am?"
"Yes, sir. The ringleader's name is Biscuit. I have a halter and apples."
I knew that I would find my zombie uncle somewhere in my house, but I had no money on "the barbecue pit".
ReplyDeleteI knew I would find my new workout shoes somewhere in my house, but I had no money on the recycling container--where they remain.
ReplyDeleteI knew that I would find my USB flash drive somewhere in my house, but I had no money on the cat's litter box.
ReplyDeleteI knew that I would find my lost liberal values somewhere in my house, but I had no money on the next election results.
ReplyDeleteI knew I would find my Smith & Wesson .38 somewhere in my house, but I had no money on "the last place I looked" ... ever--
ReplyDeleteI knew that I would find the roofer's legs somewhere in my house, but I had no money on "dangling from the ceiling of the library, directly above the saw blade."
ReplyDeleteI knew that I would find my Duchess of Yowl somewhere in my house, but I had no money on my new backpack being graced with her presence.
ReplyDeleteI knew that I would find my husband's pet alligator somewhere in my house, but I had no money on MY jacuzzi.
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteI knew I would find my hopes and dreams somewhere in my house, but I had no money on the kitchen sink's, noisy garbage disposal unit.
I knew that I would find my missing weenie dog somewhere in my house, but I had no money on “the meat drawer in the fridge.”
ReplyDeleteI knew that I would find my comedy routine inspiration in my house, but I had no money on that crusty old screw that is supposed to be covered with a plastic cap at the base of the toilet.
ReplyDeleteI knew that I would find my missing peace and quiet somewhere in my house, but I had no money on the back of my bedroom closet with a bottle of tequila and a box of ho-hos.
ReplyDeleteI knew that I would find my hopes and dreams somewhere in my house, but I had no money on "the seat of my pants at the keyboard."
ReplyDeleteI knew that I would find my best friend's knife somewhere in my house, but I had no money on "my back."
ReplyDeleteI knew that I would find my mistress's missing lingerie somewhere in my house, but I had no money on my wearing them.
ReplyDeleteI knew that I would find my smokin' hot wife somewhere in my house, but I had no money on "in a charred heap where a dragon knocked down the bedroom wall."
ReplyDeleteI knew I would find my virginity somewhere in my house, but I had no money on the ironing board in the laundry room.
ReplyDeleteI knew I would find my daughter's missing Barbie doll somewhere in our house, but I had no money on "up to her waist inside the mouth of my son's plastic, great white shark in the bathtub." From then on, it was the first place we looked. No worries though, he grew up to be a very nice man with great respect for women and sharks.
ReplyDeleteI knew that I would find my three emergency passports somewhere in my house, but I had no money on in his sock drawer, under his gun.
ReplyDeleteI knew that I would find my smokin' hot wife somewhere in my house, but I had no money on "in bed with my wife."
ReplyDeleteI knew that I would find my murderous Mexican mistress somewhere in my house, but I had no money on "in the living room with my proper southern wife, both awaiting my arrival patiently... with meat cleavers."
ReplyDeleteI knew I would find my symphony subscription tickets somewhere in my house, but I had no money on "filed under Miscellaneous."
ReplyDelete(true story; found months later)
I knew that I would find my long lost mind somewhere in my house, but I had no money on "in the blender with a liter of vodka underneath a signed photo of a shark."
ReplyDeleteI knew that I would find my agent's phone number somewhere in my house, but I had no money on "in the commode, disappearing in a contrarily counter-clockwise flush."
ReplyDeleteI knew that I would find my Houdini of-a hedgehog somewhere in my house, but I had no money on "in the wall behind the furnace."
ReplyDeleteI knew that I would find my stash of weed somewhere in my house, but I had no money on my dad's sock drawer.
ReplyDeleteI knew that I would find my missing newly-purchased-thanks-to-pregnancy-foot-spread shoes somewhere in my house, but I had no money on "on my feet."
ReplyDeleteI knew that I would find my federal marshal badge somewhere in my house, but I had no money on the litter box.
ReplyDeleteI knew that I would find my various missing undergarments somewhere in my house, but I had no money on the garage, the dining room, the attic, the kitchen sink, the front yard, and the roof. It had been quite a party!
ReplyDeleteI knew I would find my brave, little chihuahua somewhere in my house, but I had no money on finding him sizzling in the frying pan.
ReplyDeleteI knew I would fimd my Slim Jim stash somewhere in the house, but I had no money on finding them mixed in with the Lincoln Logs.
ReplyDeleteI knew I would find my cat's litter box somewhere in the house, but I had no money on it being buried in a pile of other people's missing things.
ReplyDeleteI knew that I would find my 26 inch waist somewhere in my house, but I had no money on “old photo albums.”
ReplyDeleteI knew that I would find my little red dragon somewhere in my house, but I had no money on "in the toaster."
ReplyDeleteI knew that I would find the evil voices somewhere in the house, but I had no money on the television, which hasn't worked for years. Or the kitchen, with its wainscoted walls laughing at me. Again. Or the knife drawer, empty, save for one.
ReplyDeleteOr the imposter, sleeping next to me.
I knew that I would find my husband's dead body somewhere in my house, but I had no money on "under my daughter's bed".
ReplyDeleteI knew I would find my complete, edited manuscript somewhere in my house, but I had no money on "ashes drifting away up the chimney."
ReplyDeleteI knew that I would find my pilfered Frain manuscript somewhere in my house, but I had no money on "my outgoing submissions mailbox." Okay, maybe I did... ;)
ReplyDeleteI knew that I would find my looted dough recipe somewhere in my house, but I had no money on "which to bankroll my bread factory."
ReplyDeleteI knew that I would find my winning entry inspiration somewhere in my house, but I had no money on my ability to think up something before the timer went off. Three hours after closing! Maybe if I used a little magic? But then everyone on the Reef would know I'm a wizard! Oh heck.
ReplyDeleteShazam!
We'll see if this thing goes throu