In case you can't see the text of the letter accompanying the shredded rejection letter and envelope:
"A man of my brilliance and talent should not suffer immediate form rejection letters. So fuck you and good luck in your future endeavors. With your 'judgment' you'll need it."
What will you do now that you've missed that opportunity, Janet?
ReplyDeleteHaha.
I heard someone say something similar about you after you turned her down in Scottsdale earlier this year.
Of course, all the agents who asked for partials were brilliant.
For all your legendary. . . snarkyness/sharky-ness, you send out pretty mild rejections.
Wow. Just wow. Some people are total asshats.
ReplyDeleteThank you for looking beyond them...
Dear Under-appreciated Writer:
ReplyDeletePlease accept my heartfelt apology for your immediate form rejection.
Your brilliance simply shone so brightly from the page it blinded me and didn't allow me to read your words, therefore I could not possibly consider the manuscript.
In the future, however, if you are magnanimous enough to deign me worthy to accept your offerings of future endeavors at securing an agent (though I'm sure with your wit you'll be getting what you deserve from another agent or twelve any day now), I shall do my utmost to remember your aversion to instant form letter rejections.
Next time, I'll wait three months and then send it.
Signed,
Professional Bullet-Dodger.
OMG - I'd be spreading his name around and not in a good way.
ReplyDelete*sniffs the air*
ReplyDeleteYup, that's the amazing smell of bridges and fire.
Aww, what a demonstration of brilliance that is right there.
ReplyDeleteAre you SERIOUS? I cannot believe somebody would write that. Now, I have a question: will this unfortunately individuals letter make the rounds to other agents so they know to avoid him?
ReplyDeleteWait - did they get the letter, rip it up, write that, and THEN mail it back to you? What a waste of a stamp.
ReplyDeleteYowzers. On the plus side, he did spell "judgment" right.
ReplyDeleteI can't write that straight even when sober.
ReplyDeleteWow. Talk about unprofessional. And yet, I kind of love it. Crazy people are so entertaining!
ReplyDeleteWow. Just wow. Man, sometimes I sort of understand how you might get angry emails because it's so easy to send one and people don't always think it through before pushing send, but a lot of thought and even a tiny bit of effort went into this.
ReplyDeleteThough I do see that it is written on a scrap piece of paper. Interesting. Still, dude had to pay for a stamp to send you that.
These sort are their own worst enemies (and THAT is a delightful thought, eh?)
ReplyDeleteIf his rejection of your rejection is an example of his "brilliance and talent", his troubles are just beginning. One wonders why he didn't just have CNN and MSNBC announce his existence to the world and thus start all the publishing houses competing for him.
Oy.
ReplyDeleteCan you say, "Fragile ego?"
I'm sure you're really regretting rejecting a gem like that now. :-b
ReplyDeleteTo quote Sue Sylvester, "your resentment is delicious."
ReplyDeleteHow many identical notes do you think he had to send to other judgment-impaired agents? The over/under is 50.
ReplyDeleteI promise that if you reject my novel, I will still like you.
ReplyDeleteOf course, I will like you more if you accept it. ;)
Holy Toledo, but somebody has some serious issues! What, his mommy didn't hug him enough?
ReplyDeleteThere are no words. Well, there is one: dumb-ass.
ReplyDeleteHe put the comma outside the quotations around "judgment" instead inside, where it belongs. Other than that, it looks fine to me.
ReplyDeleteWhen I see this kind of bad behavior, conceit, and complaint, I always wish that person could spend a week in a 3rd-world country and realize all that they take for granted and what is truly important in life.
ReplyDeleteThanks to you for sending a response at all. I'm hopeful persons of this man's ilk won't make you rethink that policy.
Pass me the clue-by-four, please. Someone needs a smack down.
ReplyDeleteI really hope I never get that jaded with the publishing industry. Or that arrogant.
ReplyDeleteAs a former copyeditor, the first thing I noticed was that he spelled "judgment" properly. Kudos, brilliant and talented one!
ReplyDeleteIs it wrong that I wish I had that much confidence? HAH!
ReplyDeleteSounds like we should compare notes.
ReplyDeleteAt least it was immediate. I hate waiting. Makes you suffer longer.
ReplyDeleteGoodness I bet you're regretting that one. He sounds like he'd be a JOY to represent!
ReplyDeleteUnbelievable. Where do these people come from, and what do they hope to accomplish?!
ReplyDeleteWhoa! That "man" needs to stop and smell the roses.
ReplyDeleteThe f-bomb was not needed either.
"my brilliance and talent", huh?
ReplyDeleteI don't think anyone I've known who is brilliant or talented THOUGHT they were either.
:)
Wow. Just wow.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, as everyone knows, if he/she were truly brilliant, this would be written in crayon.
ReplyDeleteSecond, the declarative "fuck you," when followed immediately thereafter by sarcasm, loses its punch, rendering it inert. Like the neon gas in the sign over this guy's head that reads, "Asshat." Or "Shark Chum."
Third, I'm pretty sure he needs a comma after "judgment" to get the pacing right.
Fourth, all caps? Really?
Every time I worry that I'm not approaching my work with enough professionalism, someone like this comes along. Thanks, Janet. I needed this.
Every now and then I forget myself and start to think that just maybe agents are exaggerating when it comes to the kind of crazy stuff they have to deal with. Because, I mean, everyone exaggerates--everyone loves a good story.
ReplyDeleteBut then someone posts something like this. Wow.
Love the block letters...
ReplyDeleteThis person must be a member of the notorious new James Frey gang. To rebel and be assaulting in all things relevant to the public as a means of business.
ReplyDeleteIck.
Ouch! My only concern after receiving a form rejection is do I have the tattoo removed or hope for another daughter and call her Janet.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what this guy's barkin' about, you said the same to me!
ReplyDeleteHaste yee back ;-)
So I guess the next time that he sends in a query you will put him on the top of the list. Haha.
ReplyDeleteThis should go in the handbook for what not to do. Query Letters for Dumbies.
Couldn't quite see the entire letterhead on the letter. But I thought I saw something about 'Institution' on it.
ReplyDeletespeechless.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, Janet. You rejected my book, and I still love you. :)
ReplyDeleteSeriously, you do so much through query shark to help writers in our attempts to get published and through your blog to help us understand the publishing industry (and why the form letter is a necessary evil).
Even in your rejection, you helped me, as the way you rejected my work helped me find the right agent for it.
Oh! And without you I would have never learned that scotch and cupcakes are two great tastes that go great together.
Maybe he played on those little league teams where every player -- regardless of ability -- always gets a trophy?
ReplyDeleteI recall one agent's website that reads: "Please don't show up at our offices. It scares us!"
Scary.
This is so insane it's funny.
ReplyDeleteIf this one ever does get pubbed, I'd love to be around when he reads his first bad amazon review.
ReplyDeleteAbandon grammar all ye who enter here:
ReplyDeleteDude writes like a girl. One of those 4th grade ones that like unicorns and purple.
What an unprofessional! If you're going to burn your bridge while shooting yourself in the foot and mooning the big bullies at the schoolyard, you should at least type it and put it on nice paper.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, he now has the attention someone of his intellect so richly deserves.
You know what would be really hilarious? If this guy sent this to the wrong agent, not the one that rejected him but one that asked for a partial.
ReplyDeleteDear Author,
ReplyDeleteWe apologize for the immediate form rejection letter. Please re-submit your query so we can send you a delayed form rejection letter. A slow, torturous, delayed form rejection letter, with insufficient postage.
Cheers,
Heads up, PublishAmerica, you got another genius headed your way.
ReplyDelete/always get the comma/quotation mark thing wrong myself. But it'd be right in England. Of course, there you'd have to spell "judgment" wrong to be right.
Did he print out the rejection letter just to have something to mail back to you? Please print out his query (sans identifiers) and post it. We need a good laugh. God, what an anal orifice!
ReplyDeleteThat's sort of cool, really.
ReplyDeleteSteve, according to the OED, 'judgement' is the usual form and 'judgment' is a variant. This must be another one of those Americanisms.
Odd really how idiots with verbal skills make us all feel more civilized.
ReplyDeleteMs. Trite says:
When one is so full of themselves it means they are full of the stinky pile too.
Ms. Trite asks Ms. Reid:
Why did you feel the need to give such a pompous ignoramus word count?
Loralie Hall,3:52 said it best.
I wish I had thought of that.
Can't speak to his talent - unless nice penmanship is a talent - but as far as brilliance, maybe he meant it in the sense of "extreme luminescence". Maybe he's like the aliens from cocoon.
ReplyDeleteHe couldn't possibly have meant intelligence, because how smart does he have to be to know this is going to hurt him a heck of a lot more than the recipient?
Isn't suffering supposed to inspire great art? Dude owes you a thank you.
ReplyDeleteJamie--that's not confidence, it's arrogance. Confidence is a good thing to have, arrogance not so much.
ReplyDeleteThe truly brilliant constantly question and challenge themselves. Only someone with serious delusions could have written a letter like this.
Wow. There are actually people like that?
ReplyDeleteI would expect to see a letter like that in collage form from cut up magazines.
I'm also a little worried about his second sentence. The two sentiments expressed do not appear to be related thoughts.
Please tell me you made that up to be funny. Please?
ReplyDeleteTawna
Please, please, please, please, please.
ReplyDeleteDo not stop sending out the rejection forms. In an age where lost mail is all too easy in the days of spam, the no answer policy isn't worth querying. It leaves too much to chance.
Thank you so much for your help to all of us who are striving to NOT be an Asshat.
Seriously, if you can't handle a rejection, you should not be in the business! Come on man...
ReplyDeleteWhy would you even WANT someone who does not feel a strong connection with your work anyway? Personally, I would rather have an agent that is stoked about my manuscript over someone who is like, "Nea... Okay, I suppose I'll take it."
Talks about ego problems. Geesh, this guy needs to find out that what he thinks is brilliant is merely a lack of professionalism.
ReplyDeleteIt is wrong to be impressed by the fact it was a mailed, handwritten note? Of course that right there tells you everything you need to know about Mr. Fabulous.
ReplyDeleteHilarious. (And I'm sure, irritating as all get out.)
There are no words.
ReplyDelete!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeletePerhaps if he had hand written his query in all caps you would have recognized his genious. If it had been in crayon I'm sure you'd have built him a shrine.
ReplyDeleteI actually found the form rejection I received from you to be quite nice, nothing that would make me turn into a profane Hulk (ARGH! YOU NO RECOGNIZE HULK LITERARY GENIOUS?! F*** YOU, SHARK! *PUNCH!*). It made me feel more like an encouraged Eeyore.
But please don't hold us in suspense: You signed him after this, right?
He has style, I'll give him that.
ReplyDeleteRegardless, may he channel ALL his passion into writing next time.
How a writer reacts to rejection is one of the truest indicators regarding his or her readiness for acceptance.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny. I just got an amazing rejection letter (not from you...yet) and I cheered. My family thinks I'm crazy.
ReplyDeleteI will submit my query to you soon, and while I would love to get accepted. A rejection is also awesome. It,if nothing else, proves I'm a working writer and allows me to write the cost of paper off on my taxes. :)
Well, he prints neatly, anyway. Perhaps he can get a job transcribing doctors' notes.
ReplyDeleteHmmm. Perhaps it's just me, but I sense he might be annoyed.
ReplyDeletebest listen up, janet... then add this to your portfolio of info: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c9fc-crEFDw
ReplyDelete;) lol
Yeah, I mean, someone really should have told this guy that you're not SUPPOSED to try in life.
ReplyDeleteSean Ferrell's comment was even funnier than the guy's letter.
ReplyDeleteWas this note written by Dylan Moran? The best writing video ever:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oS1NOXWVWgo
Liz
I'm a little weirded out by how much that looks like my handwriting.
ReplyDeleteThis post arrived just in time! I was begining to dread Christmas and the arrival of 13 members of my truly insane family, but after reading this fellow's letter, I realize that some of my family might merely be "quirky".
ReplyDeleteSeriously, though, keep up the rejections. If I know an agent uses the "no response is bad news" rule, I don't query her. There are enough polite agents out there - if they reject my work, I'll polish my skills further, not query every troglodyte in the phone book.
This is glorious, I'm saving that pic for further blog use.
ReplyDeleteI ditto The Precinct House Squad... This guy puts my crazy family into perspective, too. :)
ReplyDeleteAnd, after reading through everyone else's comments, one word comes to mind that may describe this "author": Narcissist.
I hope he gets many of these humbling letters. Every author should, especially if they think they're God's gift to the publishing world.
"I don't shred rejection letters. I eat them." - Bill E. Goat.
ReplyDelete"Empty calories, Bill" - The Pixie
"I can't write that straight even when sober."
ReplyDeleteThat's what I was thinking. Excellent penmanship.
At least is wasn't cut and pasted newsprint. At the very least. Wow.
ReplyDeleteWhat if—and I know this is a long shot—you had accepted him and—even longer shot—sold his book? Can you imagine him at his first book signing where he shouts obscenities to everyone in the bookstore who didn't buy his book?
ReplyDeleteIt would work if the title was "Tourette's
ReplyDeletefor Dummies."
This looks like a good place to let you know it's BAAM over at our blog. I've thanked you before, and I'm thanking you again for all you do.
ReplyDeleteWhoa, another love letter, eh? Tell that turkey HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE has already been written by Dale Carnegie. He needs to throw his version away. I don't think he can beat Carnegie for charm.
ReplyDeleteHe might call the Foreign Service and see if they need any more diplomats.
A man of my hubris and humility ought to have the sense know that any literary agent with a modicum of sense wouldn't touch my manuscript with a ten foot pole...
ReplyDeleteThis self labeled man of brilliance apparently forgot to use spell check when penning his response back.
ReplyDeleteWow, that's something special there.
ReplyDeleteDid he mail you the shredded rejection letter, is that what all that is?
There should be a license to breathe; so this clown's can be revoked.
ReplyDeleteThis self labeled man of brilliance apparently forgot to use spell check when penning his response back.
ReplyDelete"Endeavor" and "judgment" are both correct US Standard Written English.
I used to be a college professor and believe me, there are a few students who do not like to have their work graded. I bet that he was one of those.
ReplyDelete-Mike