Slushpile Hell pulls brief sentences from Those Who Shall Remain CluelessTM
If you read the blog, you're never going to end up on it.
Today's example:
I don’t have a particular book to propose, as I am comfortable in many areas. I’ve written a few lines below to give you my style. You can tell me what kind of book I should write.
And I’ve written a few lines below to give you my style. You can tell me which one you like as an answer to your query:
a. No
b. Hell no
c. Please direct all your future queries to the fine agents at William Morris
I have many outfits to choose from. As you can see, they're all stylish. You pick what I should wear today.
ReplyDeleteP.S. You can tie my shoes for me too.
c. made me spit out my coffee. I should have known better. But it was worth it.
ReplyDeleteOh my. I can't believe that actually happened! Wow.
ReplyDeleteThanks. That just made me feel a whole lot better about my own query.
ReplyDeleteThanks,
ReplyDeletehoping to make a query in the near future and laughing at what not to do is refreshing while I am sifting through the endless list of to do's.
It boggles my mind that somebody would ever thing someone was ever going to tell them what book they should write.
ReplyDeleteAll those hilarious slushpile posts make me slightly more optimistic about my chances of getting published.
Dear Agent:
ReplyDeleteI am planning on teaching a seminar this fall on how to get published. Since it takes so long to write a book, I have decided to find out what I can get published before writing it.
Please tell me what I should write to get published. Once published, I will gladly provide your name to other people who want to get published, but don't want to waste a lot of time writing.
I am hoping for a quick turnaround, as my seminar is scheduled to begin the first week of October. Time is ticking.
Sincerely,
[NAME REDACTED]
My favorite on Slush Pile Hell is the Katie Holmes query response. I laughed so hard when I read that.
ReplyDeleteI was floored when I read that post this morning. I figured it had to be a joke. No writer (or aspiring, or person considering possibly being a writer) would seriously write a query to an agent would they? Seriously?
ReplyDeleteI think this fits in your 'TSTL' category.
I would like to write a runaway bestseller. Please advise.
ReplyDeleteWow.
ReplyDeleteThat's precious.
See, I totally would have messed with her mind.
"Write a Vampire cookbook for vegetarians. Good luck!"
Wow.
ReplyDeleteThat's precious.
See, I totally would have messed with her mind.
"Write a Vampire cookbook for vegetarians. Good luck!"
I stop by this blog nearly every single day...it never ever fails to give me a good laugh!!! Love it!!
ReplyDeleteYou know, lady, some people have to pretend to work these days.
ReplyDeleteUncontrollable giggles DO tend to tip off the boss about the pretending part.
Ha! They'll love this over at WM :)
ReplyDeleteOh my. I laughed like CRAZY - and followed.
ReplyDeleteSlushpile Hell is awesome. I wish I had a Tumblr still, I would re-post everything on it!
ReplyDeleteIt is really sad that my first reaction to Slushpile Hell is not mockery. It's "OMG HOW CAN I BE SURE I DID NOT DO THIS IN MY QUERY?????"
ReplyDeleteBrain says, "Have me."
"BUT HOW CAN I BE SURE I HAVE YOU?"
"You're thinking, aren't you?"
"BUT HOW CAN I KNOW THAT I REALLY DO HAVE YOU AND THAT YOU ARE WORTH HAVING AND THAT I AM NOT A TALENTLESS HACK MORON WHOSE FAMILY WAS ONLY COMPLIMENTING BECAUSE--"
Brain puts fingers in ear. "I'll come back later"
Here's hoping there aren't a lot of people recovering from abdominal surgery reading you, because that was some stitch-ripping hilariousness. You should write a book :)
ReplyDeleteP
Mind boggling. I cannot believe someone actually sent that to you! Wow. Just...wow.
ReplyDeletei see nothing wrong... that 20 years of remedial writing classes might cure! :O lol
ReplyDeleteWhen I first thought about trying my hand at fiction 8+ years ago, I remember some helpful soul telling me about how the "Hardy Boys" books were written by a number of different professional writers who were given assignments and asked to craft the books using a formula. The aforementioned helpful soul thought maybe I could just contact a publisher and say, "lookie here, I'm a longtime journalist & marketing writer, let's say you send me one of those assignments."
ReplyDeleteFortunately, I knew enough even in my extreme ignorance to suspect publishing had changed a bit since 1927, but I do believe that's the sort of thinking that prompts people to send you stupid inquiries like this. Writers hear a story along those lines, and assume that must be how the business runs.
Sadly, they don't bother to do just a smidgen of research to determine that's not the case.
Tawna
Oh my...
ReplyDeleteThis post made me laugh out loud- I can't believe you have to deal with all this as an agent.
ReplyDeleteI love this blog, BTW.