Conspicuous by it's (sic!) absence: proofreader's (sic)
of course, all the best stuff is over at The Rejectionist,
and that's where I shamelessly stole this
and that's where I shamelessly stole this
Saturday, December 12, 2009
81 comments:
Keep your comments succinct. Any comment that runs longer than 100 words is generally too long.
If you're commenting more than three times a day, it's too much.
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I'm only a 7, but then there are a lot of things about me that aren't on this list. You're lucky Catholic's was listed. What about Wizard's? (And why should Catholic's be listed at all? I thought you guys were going straight to the top.)
ReplyDeleteI think we could label that 'punctuation fail'.
ReplyDeleteI love the devil's wanton use of the apostrophe.
ReplyDeleteI'm saying NINE... only because ever since I was a kid, I aspired to be a Sophisticated Swine. I'm a little disappointed I didn't make it to double digits.
ReplyDeleteThis is AMAZING.
I'm guessing you're a pervert-gangster, agnostic, atheist, sports nut, gambling, high fullutent, loud mouth woman.
ReplyDeleteAm I right?
I got up to 10, not counting the Devil himself.
ReplyDeleteHave to admit that by the time I'd finished reading the list, I was laughing pretty hard. ("Sophisticated swine" alone almost undid me.) There's got to be a way to work it into a call-and-response drinking game.
Only Eight? C'mon... you ain't-not trying hard 'nough.
ReplyDeleteI'm at 9.
ReplyDeleteOMG. I'm a 6! LOL
ReplyDeleteThat is of course if I'm as "high fallutent(?) a sophisticated swine" as I think I am ROFL.
But I'm neither plural nor possessed!
Somewhere the Apostrophe Gods are weeping.
It's a little vague. How much do I have to drink to be a Drunkard? Does writing fiction make me a Liar? And is it just me, or does putting an apostrophe in "thieves" make it look like a French guy's name? "We were going over to Thieve's house for a little wine, but we didn't want to be Drunkards."
ReplyDeleteGayle
http://gaylecarline.blogspot.com
Oh wow, an Achievement List and a To Do List all in one! Let’s see how I do:
ReplyDeleteAchievement List:
Druggies (if that includes champagne and wine): YES
Feminist’s (women and cats first, always)
Atheist’s (you better believe it)
Democrat’s (more than Republican, but most of all an independent thinker; do I get this or not?)
Environmentalist’s (you can bet your tree on this)
Abortionist’s (not a physician, but definitely pro-choice)
Government Recipents (well, I do get to drive on their roads; does that count?)
Adulterer’s (I think I have to be married to do that; drats)
Fornicator’s (yes! I can do that!)
Thieve’s (I did take that pen home from work one time—and kept it)
Gambler’s (I do buy a lottery ticket a couple of times a year)
Idolater’s (I idolize my cats)
Loud Mouth Women (oh, yeah, I qualify for this one, no question)
Agnostic’s (definitely)
Liar’s (I tell some applicant-contributors that their essay is “not for us, but good luck shopping it elsewhere” when what I actually mean is “toss it and find another hobby”)
Liberal’s (made this one, easy)
To Do List:
Pervert’s (can I get a list of the requirements; maybe I can qualify)
Freeloaders (anyone want to support me in the manner to which I’d like to become accustomed?)
High Fullutent (if this means “high fulfillment” then I want to be in—NOW)
Sophisticated Swine (oooh, can I be this? Can I? Pretty please. *mooo*)
How can I be these if I don’t know what they are? Someone, please tell me what they are:
Bahi’s
PK’s
EMO’s
They pegged me on "sophisicated swine". 7 for me. :)
ReplyDeleteWhy do I feel guilty for only getting a three? If only....
ReplyDeleteI'm actually curious what is okay. Republican and conservative... but that's all I got.
Oh wait! My kids go to public school--does that count as being either a freeloader or a government recipient? Well, plus the government paid for their Occupational and Speech therapy as they both have Autism.
Yay. I'm up to five now because I have children with Special Needs. The devil loves Special Needs children apparently. That is something I would never have guessed.
11...Hehe, and I do love me some devil. He's hot.
ReplyDeleteI am at 11 but only if you count all the ones I have been but are not currently. That is also leaving out the ones I don't understand but could be. Why must this be so difficult? I think it needs subcategories.
ReplyDeleteI'm a six ... until I Googles "High Fullutent" ... seems as if this "author" was trying to write "High Falutin'" ... which suddenly tops "Sophisticated Swine" ...
ReplyDeleteOh! And raises my score to 7! Go me!
I'm at least a 15. I guess that's because I'm a geezerette and have had more time to collect a full set of devil-loving credentials. (Excuse me: credential's.) Satan had better watch out with all those loud-mouthed environmentalists coming down there. We might just try to cool that place down...
ReplyDeleteGeez, we're at seventeen. Y'all need to try harder. Or have more fun.
ReplyDeleteOh! I’m doomed.
ReplyDelete1. My religion is on the list.
2. I’m pretty sure he’d think me a feminist.
3. I’m not a Catholic, but my family contributed two popes over the centuries. That probably dooms me by implication.
4. Do scholarships qualify me as a “government recipient”?
5. I’m almost certain he’d think I was a pervert, just on general principals.
6. I’m very soft spoken, but not only can I spell better than he can (typos and all) but I can ask him to explain the use of past tense in: “Ὃ ἦν ἀπ’ ἀρχῆς, ὃ ἀκηκόαμεν, ὁ ἑωράκαμεν τοῖς ὀφθαλμοῖς ἡμῶν, ὃ ἐθεασάμεθα καὶ αἱ χεῖρες ἡμῶν ἐψηλάφησαν περὶ τοῦ λόγου τῆς ζωῆς— καὶ ἡ ζωὴ ἐφανερώθη, καὶ ἑωράκαμεν καὶ μαρτυροῦμεν καὶ ἀπαγγέλλομεν ὑμῖν τὴν ζωὴν τὴν αἰώνιον ἥτις ἦν πρὸς τὸν πατέρα καὶ ἐφανερώθη ἡμῖν”
That would qualify me as “loud-mouthed, I’m sure.
7. I’m not porcine. I weigh 88 lbs on a good day. (No! I’m not anorexic; I’m small. 4 10. I inherited that from my mom’s side of the family.) I’m reasonably “refined.” So I probably qualify as “high falutin’” and sophisticated, even if I don’t qualify as swine.
I'm at 7, and I'm pretty sure my pastor has about 5.
ReplyDeletePK - all I can think of is Pastor's Kid. Does it mean something else?? Or has this guy just seen Footloose too many times?
Tricky... I imagine that by that fellow's standard's, a single lie in my life would make me a liar, a single coin deposited into a slot machine would make me a gambler... and if I was baptized Catholic but am now an atheist, does that count as 1 or 2 point's?
ReplyDeleteUsing the most generou's definition's possible, I'm a 17. By my own standard's, I'm more like an 8 or 9 (am I sophisticated or UNsophisticated swine?)...
Oh, me oh my, the English teacher in me is going crazy with his use of apostrophes. The rest of me is going crazy trying to wrap my head around the whole thing.
ReplyDeleteI'm at least a 10--I think my favorite is "loud mouthed women"!
Heheh... 11, if I can be both a Buddhist and an Agnostic. Interesting that Racist's are on there -- that's the only one I'd agree with. Well, maybe High Fullutent, if I knew what those were.
ReplyDeleteWifebeater's and Loud Mouth Women?
ReplyDeleteHitting double digits here.
ReplyDeleteIt would be fruitless to ask the person who painted this sign, but didn't Jesus teach love and forgiveness not hate and name-calling?
I see his/her point about PK's. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's a proactive kayaker. Just go with the current, dammit!
ReplyDeleteIt appears that anybody who can spell or punctuate is defined as "high falutent sophisticated swine."
ReplyDeleteI scored 8 or 9, depending on whether high falutent and sophisticated swine are one item or two.
What I want to know is why Lauren aspires to swinehood but said "Moo."
ReplyDeleteThe Rejectionist said this sign made a case for proofreading, but I think a proofreader would have trammeled all over the artistry of this work.
Bwahahaha..... I'm up to 15. Oy.
ReplyDeleteShouldn't we all be "Liar's"? Isn't that what fiction writers do? That's what I tell anyone who asks what I do for a living. I lie. :)
I'm at 15, 16 if I include Liberal - I don't consider myself liberal, but I'm thinking whoever wrote this thing would disagree with me...
ReplyDeleteDo I win a prize?
Oh, dear--a quick visit to Dictionary.com showed me *I* need a proofreader, or anyway someone to keep me from using words I don't actually know the meaning of. Pretend I didn't say "all over" so that "trammeled" can make sense.
ReplyDeleteI'm a Mormon! I made the list! Yay!
ReplyDelete(my creative blog)
I've spent half my life disheartened that I will never be, in someone else's eyes, a perfect 10. Today's finally my day...
ReplyDeleteBaha'i is a religion.
ReplyDeleteGovernment recipients--scholarship money. Strike 1.
Gamblers. I lost a bet of 3 cents this week, but he promised to donate it to the Salvation Army. Does that get me off Strike 2?
Loud Mouth Women. Um, that just might be Strike 3, depending on my mood. Ditto on High Fullutent, because sometimes my characters are royal and I like to act it.
Four, maybe?
This ticks me off because, while I may agree with some--and only some--of it, it completely misses the point of loving your neighbors.
Please remember, everyone: not all Christian fundamentalists are like this.
Some of us can spell.
Do I have to be these thing's? Or love people who are these thing's?
ReplyDeleteEither way, me an' the devil must be on intimate term's.
Good thing they are paying such close attention to the "judge not" part's.
About a 15. And some of the others are my best friends.
ReplyDelete:-)
I can pretty much embrace all these people except the wifebeaters and racists. I figure life isn't black and white, and part of these things are just bad decisions or circumstances (gansters, thieves) and part of them just show you are tolerant (all the OTHER religions) or thinking (the stuff on the liberal agenda). Anybody who thinks only THEIR views are right, in MY opinion are the only people who are completely wrong.
ReplyDeleteI love how they throw in Loud Mouthed Women and Sports Nuts...
ReplyDeleteWhat are the P.K.s -- Promise Keepers?
Always wondered what the mark of the Devil looked like. Evidently it looks like this: '.
ReplyDeleteThis reminds me of a poem my sister wrote some years ago. It began, "A's every ignoramu's know's, / Apostrophe's ere e's'se's goe's."
What I want to know is why Lauren aspires to swinehood but said "Moo."
ReplyDeleteLauren here. Sorry. I had a brain drain moment before I hit the "Send" button. Of course it should be "Oink."
If it's who I've loved (and in most cases still love) in my lifetime, I score a 23.
ReplyDeleteIf it's who I am...12.
Hmm, no wonder I feel overheated all the time. ;)
Apparently this is an "eye chart for the damned?"
ReplyDeleteI'm going cross eyed- I'm apparently a 14 or maybe more I don't know.
(Does the person that wrote that chart write book reviews, if so I know him personally, lol. ;) )
-C
Travener - PK = place kicker's... must be a Bill's fan who hope's Scott Norwood rot's in Hell
ReplyDeleteI'm an 11, and I live in Texas.
ReplyDeletePlease don't tell my grandpa...
Lauren, I wouldn't have pointed it out if I weren't a high fullutent swine myself. (Not to mention a loud mouthed woman.) :)
ReplyDeleteI'm at least a 14. Which is a coicidental glimpse of the IQ of the people's who printed up that banner. I could be a 14 if you count wearing ribbed tank tops. I AM Italian you know - and why wasn't THAT on the list? And were was "Day Care User's" and "People's Who Believe the World is Older than the Buick?"
ReplyDeleteThey missed the apostrophe in "Druggie's"!
ReplyDelete(Ouch. Just ouch. Standard "we're not all crazy fundies" disclaimer here.)
myimaginaryblog, I laughed. And I never mind anyone pointing it out. Maybe we can all discuss our "apostrophes" over a nice lunch and some wine.
ReplyDeleteOh loved Lauren's reply.
ReplyDeleteI'm at seven, but if I try hard enough I know I can get more. Wait! I've gambled before, make that an eight! Woo hoo, I'm on my way!
Homos-1
ReplyDeleteFeminists-1
Buddhists-1
New Agers-1
Environmentalists-1
Effeminate men-1 (<--dating one)
fornicators-1
Pagans-1
Liberals-1
Loud mouthed women-1 (I am one)
Total-10
Although, that's just people I love whom I know. Hypothetically, my number would be:
Mormons-1
Bahis-1 (don't no what the is but sure, why the hell not)
Catholics-1
Atheists-1
Democrats-1
P.K.s-1
Scientologists-1
Muslims-1
Jehovah's witnesses-1
Idolaters-1
Agnostics-1
High Fullutent sophisticated swine-1
In total 22
two things though. One, does anyone find the fact that there are blatant contradictions funny? Two, The environmentalist thing is just funny because anyone who isn't is suicidal and really ought to be in counseling.
I'm a 14, not counting Sport's Nut's; I wear a cup.
ReplyDeleteI feel so sad -- I'm only a 5. Maybe I just don't understand some of these words.
ReplyDeleteGood God, I'm a 14!
ReplyDeleteIf only "grammar Nazi" had been on the list! Missed opportunity ;).
ReplyDeleteI'm a 9. Maybe a 10 because I laughed long and hard when I saw this over at The Rejectionist's! (Does that make me evil-er?)
I swear, I've laughed out loud more from people's comments about this over the past two days than I have in the last month!
ReplyDeleteWhen people like this guy give me cause to despair, people like all of you give me proof that there's intelligence and humor in the world still.
I think we are supposed to love everyone on the list. That doesn't mean we have to hang out, it just means we have to appreciate the value of EVERY human. Great post!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sad 'Pedant's' didn't make the list, dagnammit!
ReplyDeleteI got 8! Being an effeminate male loudmouth mormon sophisticated swine who loves badminton (I've got some big bucks riding on China vs Indonesia) and collects wellfare to pay for my crack habit kinda put me over the edge.
ReplyDeleteThere is no greater sin that to think one's self holy enough to judge his or her fellow man.
BTW, up in these parts, if you can't check off a good many of 'em, you can't call yourself a cowgirl.
Holy Guacamole, I'm at 18! I'm going straight to H-E-double hockey sticks!
ReplyDeleteI thought High Fullutent was reserved only for Yosemite Sam.
I'm a 9 and proud of it, speaking as a liberal, environmentalis, high falutin, gambling, drinking, loud mouthed woman who works at a public school, thus drawing a salary from the state department of education.
ReplyDeleteShame this individual didn't include:
Bigot's
Hater's
Self-Righteous Loudmouth's
Ignoramus'
Illiterate's
Sign maker's
Propagandist's
Uneducated People's
Apostrophe Abuser's
and, this one's from my class: MEANIEHEAD'S!
litdiva.blogspot.com
PS I have really enjoyed the comments about this judgmental persons's hate rhetoric. (Just panicked a little that I no longer know how to use an apostrophe)
Possible 'P.K's' Definitions:
ReplyDelete1) Partido Kalikasan-Philipino Green Party.
(This would apply if sign-maker could read and follow international issues)
2) Player Killer's-Online assassins that prey on weaker players. (Been killed too many times playing Runescape?)
3) Peace Keepers-A function of the United Nations to help rebuild and offer aid. (Obviously just wants to kill them.)
I vote for #3. This also shows that I am capable of wasting a great amount of time when I should be editing my current wip.
This is too freaking funny. I'm proud to be a part of many of these devilish groups. Loud-mouthed, liberal women unite!
ReplyDeleteHomo- working on it
ReplyDeletedruggies- does Midol count? B
Gangster- I wear a giant clock around my neck.
Feminist- check
Mormon- never
Buddhist- is there an easier way to get into hell?
Drunkards- oh crap.
Bahi- If I don't know what is can I still qualify?
Catholic- only three times a year
Wife beater- If you mean a shirt, then yes.
Atheist-265 days a year
New Ager- 4 days every year
Democrat- 5 days out of the year
Environmentalist- I recycle, I'm going to hell!
P.K- I have know clue what this is but here do I sign up?
Abortionist- I've had 12.
Effeminate Men- I have a vagina
Racist- every other monday
Scientologist- Lets not talk about it okay?
Emo- What are the qualifications?
Government Recipient- damn my parents for dying when I was 14 and sending me into foster care.
Adulterer- check
Fornicator- check
Thieve- Check ( I'm the one who stole your wallet)
Gambler- check (the lottery is sending me to hell!)
Muslim- seven days a year
Pervert- I love PORN
Idolaters- American Idol rocks!
Pagan- 19 days a year
Loud Mouth Woman- check
Agnostic- 12 days a year
Freeloaders- Its a nice life
Liberal- At least three times a week.
High Falutin- only on Mondays
Sophisticated Swine- check
Sports Nuts- check
Mwuahahaha!!! I got the evil #13.
ReplyDeleteMy guess is that 'Bahi' might refer to 'Bahai' - the youngest monotheistic world religion. Fundamental principles include gender equality, racial equality, universal education, balance between science and religion (to prevent the extremes of materialism and fanaticism), elimination of extremes of wealth and poverty. It was founded in Iran in the 19th century, and its followers suffered extreme persecution at that time as well as following the Iranian Revolution. Now the second most widespread (# of countries) religion in the world following Christianity.
ReplyDeletePK's .... PK's ????
ReplyDeleteGotta be Phi Kappa Sigma. You never know about PK's.
or it could be those with psychokenetic ability. PK's ... demonic? right?
orrr ... prolly Promise Keepers whom some ultra-radical-conservative so-called but mostly fake Christians love to hate.
I feel sorry for conservative Christians who find themselves represented by illiterate, hateful and stupid people
I love that loud mouth women and sports nuts are on the same level as wife beaters in the devil's heart.
ReplyDeleteOh, and I got a pitiful 6. I need to get out more.
If I said I was a 1 and that 1 was a Liar, would you believe me?
ReplyDeleteI haven't been able to calculate my score. I'm still staring at the first item screaming, "Homo's what?!?!?!?!"
ReplyDeletewell being a homo-loving, feminist, Buddhist, democrat, pro-choice, environmentalist, government receiving, fornicating, pervert, with a very loud mouth full of dirty liberal lies puts me at about a thirteen. I could probably tack on freeloader and sports nut given that I inherited my savings account and worked for a baseball team. Oh and I stole a candy cane off my mother's Christmas tree. Sixteen here I come.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the sympathy, Sha'el.
ReplyDeleteI think Promise Keepers is great and don't see why even someone like this would object. The only other thing that really comes to mind is Preacher's Kids, and I doubt it's that.
One thing I'm noticing in the comments is that nobody seems to know what Baha'i is. It's a small religion, about 7 million adherents, smaller than Judaism and larger than Jainism. About 13th on the list by size, depending on how you list traditional and ethnic religions. Here's the basic info: http://info.bahai.org/.
I'll admit it; I didn't know Baha'i existed until a year or two ago. But knowing what others believe, whether you agree or not, is essential to understand them.
Oh. (disappointed) I thought it said Sophisticated Wine.
ReplyDeleteDear Rachel,
ReplyDeleteI know what Baha'i is, but I understand that many do not. I'm a conservative liberal ... ummm ... or maybe I’m a liberal conservative ... oh heck! What ever I am is a mix.
I understand why some object to Promise Keepers. Religiously, I'm not exactly what people think. I am a Christian. I believe what the Bible actually says about the relationship between mates. I think Promise Keepers are mistaken in their view, but I do not hate them for the difference. Some do.
I really don't know what the sign-person meant. All I really know is that his or her belligerence does not bring sympathy to the Christian cause. He worships a god I hope never to meet.
The Bible presents a series of standards. But Jesus presented himself as the physician to sinners. People who are well do not need a physician, but the sick do. I came ... etc. So if we wish to be like Jesus, then we see conduct we might reject because of a Bible law or principle as a kind of sickness. The sick need our compassion, not our hate. I'm not trying to convert anyone here. My beliefs are my own, and though I may associate with a specific religion, they are still my beliefs -- Beliefs I acquired the same way I research the history I write.
The Bible allows far more latitude in behavior than people realize. The person who wrote this hates women. He wishes them to be slaves. Many non-Christians believe that that's what the Bible says about women, though it does not. Remember the "good wife" section of Proverbs? This man would have a pick with Solomon.
The good wife runs a business and a household. She buys property without consulting her husband. She has employees. (Doesn't say if she raised Goats! But let's imagine that she did.) She sells her goats, goat's milk and goat skins without consulting her husband. It's her business. Her success brings praise to her husband because he was smart enough to marry someone that wise ... and she was prolly hot too! Okay, so I'm getting carried away.
Men (or women) who produce signs like this shame the God they claim to worship. They bring shame on believers everywhere. They and their religion do not represent the Christianity of the Bible.
I feel as if I've written a short sermon. That's not my intention. As a believer, I reject this conduct. Saying that is my intention.
Me:
Arian in Christology; Conditionalist in Belief; a 'Resititionist,' a Christian in the heritage of John Locke, Samuel Clarke, Thomas Emlyn and others whose names are mostly forgotten.
A writer of fantasy fiction and history. ... Oh, oh oh ... Pixie Warrior is out as an audio book over on audible.com. Go listen to the sample ...
Oh man - gives a bad name to Christians. and what exactly did feminists do? or emos? and what the heck are 'sophisticated swine?' In fact, what did most of these folk do? Many of them are my friends!
ReplyDeleteI won't tell the owner of this placard that I just started writing a book featuring Lucifer and Gabriel making a bet, or that Gabriel likes to play Jenga. I'd be burnt for sure.
Bill E. Goat: Hey, Pixie! Have you met our new neighbours?
ReplyDeleteMe: We don't have new neighbours, Bill. You've been nibbling fermented clover.
Bill: [Looking wounded] I never touch the stuff. ... And we DO have new neighbours. Tompsons have a new sow.
Me: What were you doing at the ... never mind. I told you there goats were all low class perverts. Bill, I want you to ...
Bill: She's a sophisticated swine!
Me: Bill, don't change the subject! umm sophisticated?
Bill: She has a hat and a silk purse!
Me: Bill, go eat a leaf!
there = their. i knew that!
ReplyDeleteCan this be real? I've seen a variation on it elsewhere.
ReplyDeleteSport's nut's?
It's real, all right. I saw a sign a lot like it (shorter list, though), worn/carried by a traveling preacher. I checked his website, and he's got sections on why God doesn't love unbelievers. So wrong it made me shudder.
ReplyDeleteApparently some colleges have these people around all the time.
I throw around adverbs like nobody's business. Where does that leave me?
ReplyDeleteAt first I scored an 8. I have to confess, I read "High Fullutent" as "Highly Flatulent."
ReplyDeleteAs someone who endeavors to keep their digestive system under control, I settled for my score of '8'.
After a second read through, the meaning sank in and I revised to 9, cuz I thought this was hilarious and that defintely makes me high fallutin . . .
I'm a little late to this, but I'm proud to say I made 10... and I'm MOST proud of being a 'loud mouth woman' :)
ReplyDelete