Me: Your grace, what is it? What's wrong? Is the apartment on fire?
DoY: how much cash do you have?
Me: What? Why? Are you out of cigarettes and liquor? The
liquor store is on speed dial and I have a line of credit there.
DoY: I do not engage in your foul habits. And they only take
cash at the bondsman's office.
Me: Bondsman? BONDSMAN? (looks around for signs of Jon Jordan)
LOUD KNOCK AT DOOR
Voice: NYPD! Open the door!
Me: (opening door so nose and one eye is visible) Yes, what's
wrong?
NYPD: We've received a report of a domestic disturbance. One
(consults notebook) Grace Yow? dialed 911. Dispatch said it sounded like bloody
murder here.
Me: Who the hell is Grace Yow?
NYPD: We need to come in.
Me: uh…are you sure you have the right apartment?
NYPD: Step aside lady.
Me: okedokey
NYPD: Do you live alone?
Me: mostly.
NYPD: Who else is here?
Me: Just the cat. oh wait. Grace Yow? Do you possibly mean
"Her Grace, the Duchess of Yowl?"
NYPD: What the hell kind of name is that for a cat?
Me: You haven't met her.
DOY: It's about time you guys got here! There's a criminal
conspiracy happening right under your noses!
NYPD: Jebus that cat is loud.
Me: She's telling you about a criminal conspiracy.
NYPD: How the hell did she dial 911?
Me and NYPD (together): tail dial!
NYPD: sorry to have bothered you
Me: no bother.
DoY: wait, you're LEAVING? I'm still being neglected here! No
one has petted me for almost four hours!!
Me: Your grace, it's night. I'm asleep. You should be asleep
too, not playing with my phone.
DoY: I love playing angry birds.
Now I know why you are holidaying...imagine the trouble DoY would cause if Thumbs wasn't there 24/7 (not to mention falling to sleep at your desk).
ReplyDeleteOnly 7 days of DoY stories =( You don't want to extend your holiday do you?
Um...how do I say this carefully without assuring myself a permanent Carkoon kale green-card? Oh wait I already have one.
ReplyDeleteSomeone needs to go back to work.
Confinement breeds imaginary cat stories about which all lucidity seems to vanish.
Someone needs to buy a new paint tray and roller.
Someone needs to acquaint oneself with more thumbs and less paws.
Help is available at 1-800-Sherwin Williams.
That is one high maintenance cat.
ReplyDelete*giggles*
ReplyDeleteIt's a proven fact that if there is a button, a cat will have to push it.
There's also a meme going around about how, if the earth was flat, cats would have knocked everything off by now. :D
*not trying to offend any flat earth theorists here but...*
Ah ha! Now we know the real reason it's called The City That Never Sleeps!!
ReplyDelete:D
ReplyDeleteThe worst is when they push keyboard buttons on your computer and change settings, and you can't figure out how to get it back to normal. Hopefully they don't ever learn 911!
Domestic disturbance? Criminal conspiracy?
ReplyDeleteSounds like a typical tail-dial. Wait until she starts makes long distance calls to China.
I wonder what the domestic disturbance and criminal conspiracy was about? My guess was:
• The door was chained shut on the refrigerator
• The 'ladder' was moved away from the bookcase
• DOY received several form rejections from 231.5 literary agents
OR
• Another plastic bag sneaked into your apartment intent on mayhem
Clair; you spelled "city" wrong!
....It's "KITTY!"
ReplyDeleteKate :-)
ReplyDeleteMaybe the DoY is part of a conspiracy to re-name the whole place New York Kitty?
These stories need illustrations. Maybe you could uncap a few dozen choice pens for Her Grace to experiment with while you sleep. No, that won't work. We all know how you feel about your pens. I think 2NNs is on to something . . . give Her Grace a couple open cans of paint instead.
ReplyDeleteOh my. The DoY is certainly on a roll. New York's Finest got in on the shenanigans? I'm impressed!
ReplyDeleteWhat happened with the DoY was not a domestic disturbance. That was Her Grace exerting her right to complain about not being petted in four hours...that's a lifetime for a cat!
Janet, did you enjoy any additional white wine (was there any left from the last post?) after the cops left? ;)
Yes, people on the east coast, I'm up early this morning...
And my above post should say "East Coast" not "east coast". That's what I get for posting so early in the a.m.
ReplyDelete*facepalm*