Again, la telefonita is NOT your friend

Two phone calls today, neither from people who were clueless, but they absolutely did not get the help they thought they should get.

First was a very nice woman I met at a conference. As at all conferences, I handed out my card and welcomed queries. She queried and received a reply; sadly it was a form rejection.

This morning she called and said her name. She needed "just some advice on why her novel was rejected." I had no idea who she was.  Her shocked tone when she replied "but you just rejected this on Sunday" led me to believe she had no idea that she was one of a 100 people who heard from me yesterday.

And of course, even if I was going to give any kind of feedback it would NEVER be on the phone. And certainly not in the middle of the day when I was doing other things.

I know she thought I was rude. I know she hung up feeling bad.
Honestly though, I'm astounded people think this is Undergraduate Lit 101 and I'm some sort of prof with office hours for writers to drop in and get help.

This is a for-profit business and I spend my time doing what I think is going to make me boatloads of money. Shiploads would be better. Helping you figure out why your book doesn't work is not going to make me any money. It makes you feel better. Those are NOT the same things.



The second caller gave me his name and said he'd like to speak to an agent about his book.  I told him that all initial contact with agents and the agency is in writing.

Well, who should he contact?
Look at the website. All the info is there.

And I'm not going to give you anyone's name to contact because I don't know what my colleagues are looking for.  In a smaller agency everyone might know that stuff.  I don't.  I know what *I* am looking for and that's it.

You'd think people would figure out they are not calling the main number for FPLM when I pick up the phone and say my name. But they don't.

The second caller was clearly used to dealing with more retail kinds of business; he was befuddled that I wasn't eager to help him.  He was a writer, I made money from writers...why was I being such a Cruella DeVil?

Because if you can't follow really simple directions, OR it doesn't occur to you to LOOK for directions, you're not ready to query. It's really as simple as that.

Yet, it's not a great feeling to know that both those people went away unhappy, and blame me for that.

I guess I'll dump some extra money in the bell ringers kettle today to adjust my karmic balance. And write a blog post to remind everyone that "do not call an agency at the initial query stage" is pretty much a hard and fast rule.  And if you think you're the exception, you're EXACTLY the person who needs to read this again and say "She's talking about ME" out loud. Ten times.

Q-ontest results! Electrifying! Unsuitable! HILARIOUS!

You've outdone yourselves on this one. Honestly, I save doing the results of these contests till the weekend cause it takes forever to read through them cause I'm laughing so hard.

Herewith the results:

Outstanding achievement in pandering:
Jesse 1:07am
M.R. Jordan 9:41 (with bonus points for poetry!)




First appearance by James Joyce with my ragtag band of merry clients:
Michael G-G 5:26pm




Excellent use of the multiple meaning of "birds"
Marina J. Lostetter 10:38am


Outstanding achievement in Hand-selling!
GregKShipman 12:59pm




Most terrifying idea since Barbara Poelle's airhorn: Suzie Townsend gunslinger!
Cynthia Ivers 11:38pm




Things I hope are never on the lunch menu at FPLM:
tunapalooza from Dan’s-Day-Old-Sushi
Terri Coop 3:11pm



Things I'd PAY to see:

While Sean distracted Evan with his spontaneous version of “Babaloo
P.J. Casselman 2:34pm

Then Jeff sang a Frank Sinatra tune
otin 3:10pm

After the reading, Dan approached the other authors. “Who wants to tickle fight?”
Harley May 4:16pm






Cracked me up for a good five minutes

“Then, inject liquid cheese.” (Photo 5) Jeff demonstrated. (Proprietary image blurred) “Microwave and voila!”
Kregger: 9am


Great line: 
Sean sniffed a pit, and grabbed his right arm to stop it from falling off.
Mark 9:02am




She Molly Bloomed him: yes I said yes I will Yes.
Michael G-G 5:26pm




And here are the finalists, the entries that were actual stories:
John 9am

Five athletes put their whole selves into the quest for gold; none thought simple “right hand in” would destroy him.

Pressure shatters Brooks: wrong hand. (0)

Evan buries his left in his pocket to escape the same fate, but the delay times him out. (3)

Three survivors face off. (1)

Jeff, disqualified for left-right labelled pompoms, claims ambiguity in ICHP regs, (5) but the judges scoff. (6)

Sean and Dan reach “right foot,” but Sean is stuck on right hand. He cringes, trying to pull back. (4) Dan wins.

The runners-up laugh amid tears. (2)

The tiniest slips - in professional hokey-pokey, that’s what it’s all about.




Sheila JG 11:22am
“It’s red-eye, from the flash.” That was BS (P0). He always said that, but DK was suspicious. He’d seen flashes of red in his eyes, usually right before the disappearances. The police were calling it the Brunette Vanishings.

DK warned the others, but they laughed at him (P1). Dk laughed, too. Then he vanished.

“That, DK. What an imagination,” JS whispered (P2). SF laughed. He didn’t have anything to worry about. Or did he?

EM stood to speak (P3), noticing the audience (P6). No brunettes. What if it was true? His hand began to fade.

It started with the hands (P4). A slight blurring (P5). Then nothing.




Shaunna 6:28pm
Considering the years since the suspects' last meeting, their postural similarities were uncanny. (photo 1) The jury's task, already difficult, seemed well nigh impossible. (photo 6) Still, they had to try.

They questioned Evan first, and he seemed an upright fellow -- until his hand began to shake, and then they thought, 'His tell! Surely he's the one.' (photo 3)

But their glee turned to dismay when Sean (photo 4) and Jeff (photo 5) appeared, each a portrait of the other, identical to the very last tic.

The jury despaired. "This trial brooks madness," they cried, when suddenly, Jeff scratched his nose. (photo 2). "A boon," the foreman said. "The jig is up."


Just Jan 1:06am

"My name is Evan, and I'm a vampire." (PHOTO 3)

"Good grief," Jeff muttered (PHOTO 2). "Not another one."

Sean approached the microphone. "This isn't Vampires Anonymous, folks. Anyone else in the wrong room?" (PHOTO 4)

Two wraiths slunk out with Evan. A woman in the front row fidgeted with her scarf. Unnoticed, an ember-eyed fiend (PHOTO BROOKS) mesmerized the remaining audience (PHOTO 6) from the wings.

Jeff stepped up and began to read (PHOTO 5). Without missing a word, he swatted a large bat that swooped in beside him. The bat shrieked, morphed into the fiend, and fell dead.

Dan congratulated him during intermission (PHOTO 1). "Nice backhand. Buffy would be proud."




And the winner is John 9am!  Who could resist the hokey pokey!

John, send me your mailing address and I'll send you a copy of each of the books.  If you own any of them already, we can find something else to fill out the prize box.

Congratulations to each of you who entered!  It was a lot of fun to read your work.

What's happening across the roof?

The view from my new office window

On a clear day, here in NYC, you might be able to see forever, but on a SUNNY day, here at the reef, this is what we see out our window!

"This really is a novel for both head and heart"

A beautifully written review of Q by Fleur Fisher.


This blog post is a sterling example of what writers should do on their blogs. (NOT write about querying or rejections!) In fact, her whole blog makes me wish she was a writer.  I ♥ it a lot. Also, alot

From the mouths of babes

tip of the hat to Jezebel.com