"I'm not shooting myself in the foot, but I'm still missing the bullseye!"

A plaintive wail from the comment column of my recent post on shooting yourself in the foot:

I can't tell you how often I do not make any of the mistakes listed here, or on other agent's websites. I think I'm taking exquisite care and considering every nuance and detail. And I still can't get a full request. 



Here's where you might want to invest some of your hard earned cash in a writing conference or writing class. It's time to get some help on what's not working. There are a lot of good conferences every year. I'll be at Grub Street's Muse in Marketplace in Boston on May 5 but they offer classes and workshops throughout the year.  Many agents list their upcoming conferences on their websites. PennWriters has an outstanding annual conference, as does Rocky Mountain Writers


Look for a conference that gives you a chance to get your work looked at by agents and editors NOT just writers.  Writers can help you with writing, structure, and pacing but agents and editors are the ones to ask about why your work isn't getting past the slush pile.

Thank you BookCourt!

BookCourt in Brooklyn NY is one of our local indies! I've spent a lot of happy hours there; you can see the staff has GREAT taste!

 I'm on their mailing list for events; if you're in NYC you should be too!

picture courtesy of our sharkspy Brooks Sherman!

(also a crackerjack agent at FPLM!)

A brilliant new way to shoot yourself in the query

I can't help myself. When queries come in, even over the holidays, I sneak a peek. I'm always hoping something so good will pop up that I Must.Read.Now.  Sadly what I find more often are new perplexing ways you've found to do yourself some damage.

Just this morning there were these two:

1. "Please respond" in the subject line, and the ONLY thing in the subject line.  Maybe you don't get as much spam as I do, but surely you've noticed that phrase is one spammers use a lot.  Even if your query isn't spam, if you make it LOOK like spam, it's a bad sign.  There are two ways to figure out what goes in the subject line of a query:

a. What the guidelines of a specific agency tell you to put

OR (not AND)

b.  Query for (title of your work here) /(fiction/non-fiction/memoir)

Put the title of your work in first, then whether it's fiction, non-fiction or memoir.

That's ALL.

And honest to garamond "Please respond" is just an invitation not to.


2.  "Please reply to my home email address (email listed)" and it's NOT the address from which the query was sent.

When I reply to your query, I hit the "reply to" tab on my mail management program and it replies to the email address you used to send the email. Under no circumstances am I going to type in a new address. Not ever.

Query from the address you want to receive the replies.  It never occurred to me that this had to be stated, but I guess it does.

And if anyone has any insight into why someone would do this, I'd be interested to hear it.



Now, off to breakfast:

So, you thought you knew this one?

Hallelujah indeed!

May your holiday be filled with peace, gratitude and love. And a LOT of fun.

Going dark

I'm going to take a couple days now for the holiday week.
No work, just the occasional tweet or blog post, no replying to queries or email. I'll be reading when I'm not ...um...resting my eyes!

We're immensely proud of you, Gypsy!

On Saturday, December 17 Gypsy Wesson graduated from college.

She'd never been inside a classroom until she was 19--seven years ago.  And that wasn't the biggest challenge she faced.

Read the short form of her story here in the Fresno Bee.


Read the whole story here in DEADLY DEVOTION by Alysia Sofios.

What's the structure of your book?

Here's an incredibly valuable interview with Rebecca Skloot about how she decided to structure her book THE INCREDIBLE LIFE OF HENRIETTA LACKS.

Her book is narrative non-fiction but what she says will resonate with novelists as well.

I learned a lot from this; I think you will too.

You've been meaning to read THE BREACH, right?

well, it's .99 on Kindle right now!


Don't start it if you have to get up early tomorrow, you will NOT be able to put it down.

You've forgotten what THE BREACH is about?

Here's the starred review (and their pick of the week when it was released in 2009!)  from PW to remind you why you really want to read this:

★ Lee's debut thriller pits ex-con ex-cop Travis Chase against increasingly dire odds as the action ratchets up like levels in a complex video game. 

Fresh out of prison, Travis sets out on a solo Alaskan trek, wanting nothing more than quiet time for introspection. Then he encounters a downed plane containing the dead bodies of the United States's first lady and several others, plus hints about a mysterious missing item. Armed with superior firepower and the instincts and savvy of a good cop, Travis tracks down the murderers, who are torturing hostage Paige Campbell to get her father, Peter, to reveal another clue. 

Travis manages to rescue Paige just as Peter confesses the information and is killed. His last words send Paige and Travis into a dangerous world of secrets and conspiracies, where they slowly learn about the eponymous Breach and meet progressively more menacing foes. 

It's all here: brilliantly devious enemies; nifty, innovative gadgets and weaponry; hang-on-to-your-hat action; and razor-sharp plot twists aplenty.

Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

while you're waiting for the results of the last contest

Here's a terrific piece from Word Bookstore in Brooklyn about the compatibility of ebooks and bricks and mortar stores.  If you scroll down you'll notice one of their favorite books is also one of mine!

Gotcha knickers twisted, yo?

The most devilish contest idea EVAH comes from blog reader Shaunna  (visit her blog here to see what other kind of mischief she's conjuring up.)

Here's the concept: write a poem, or a story in a poem, that's reversible. That means the lines form a poem reading down AND up.

Here's an example from the instigator of this madness herself:


Reading down:
For love,
how you look
is
what matters most.
Let's be honest.
You can smile
or
grimace,
flirt or
frown.
It makes no difference.
You might believe
love
welcomes
an open heart.
But the end
of the story
can be told
much
sooner.
Look
at the face:
beauty
has a chance at
everything.



Reading up:
Everything
has a chance at 
beauty.
At the face,
look
sooner.
Much
can be told
of the story
but the end.
An open heart
welcomes
love.
You might believe
it makes no difference:
frown,
flirt, or
grimace.
Or
you can smile.
Let's be honest.
What matters most
is
how you look
for love.



Another example is the title of this post:

Gotcha knickers twisted, yo?
Yo! Twisted knickers gotcha?

(notice that punctuation will help you a lot!)


And just to make things LOTS of fun, it's fewer maximum words this time: 60.

(That evil cackle you hear is me)

Contest opens Friday 12/16 at Noon and runs through Sunday  12/18 at noon. (I figure you might need some extra time for this one!)

60 words max (fewer is fine) arranged in lines that form a poem reading both up and down.

Only one word prompt this time: candy (aren't you glad it wasn't knickers? or twisted?!)

Post your entry in the comment column on this post.
Your entry should have two parts:, once for how it reads down and once for how it reads up. 

If you need a mulligan, delete your entry and post again.

Questions? Best way to get answers is to send me a tweet @janet_reid



Ready?
Set?
Write!

Too late! Contest closed at noon on Sunday! Now, to the most fun of all--reading the entries!

You know who's awesome?

Ted Fox's YOU KNOW WHO'S AWESOME?, a look at the "un-awesome" among us -- Snooki, John Mayer, the guy who keeps his Christmas lights up all year -- pitched as Larry David meets THANK YOU NOTES, to Brendan O'Neill at Adams Media, for publication in 2012, by Marissa Walsh at FinePrint Literary Management (World). 

Ted's tweets crack me up.
Check him out at @KnowWhosAwesome

And if you've got an Awesome Book for real, make sure you check out Marissa Walsh. She IS awesome.

Slothville!

So, how's your day going?

yea?
well, this should help.

(safe for work, does not involve kittens)

Input needed

As we close in on Christmas, and the new year, it's easy for me to get caught up in clearing out all my queries and fulls. Hose out the place, ring in the new year with no backlog.*****

But, it dawned on me that y'all would be GETTING rejections at the holiday if I did that.  (I figure if it's good news you won't mind if I call on Christmas Day, right?)

Give me some guidance here.

Would you rather get the dreaded form rejection sooner even if it's the holiday season, or later?

Here's a survey to tab the results:

Quizzes by Quibblo.com | SnapApp Quiz Apps

**** oh chummy ones, how can you think that this might mean just blanket rejection? No no. Every query gets read. This is just about spending a bit MORE time to read everything and reply before the end of the year. I've been known to let things stack up for a week or two if I'm busy torturing my clients with revisions and such.

25 Truths about Rejection

Chuck Wendig's blog should be required reading for every writer.
Hell, required reading for ALL of us.


Here's his recent post on 25 things every writer should know about rejection.

The first one give you a sense of the whole list:

1. As Ineluctable As The Tides

If you’re a writer, a writer who writes, a writer who puts her work out there, you’re going to face rejection. It’s like saying, “Eventually you’re going to have to fistfight a bear,” except here it’s not one bear but a countless parade of bears, from Kodiaks to Koalas, all ready to go toe-to-toe with you. Rejection, like shit, happens. Rejection, like shit, washes off. Get used to it.


Read the rest of his list here.

Now, back to reading queries!

Quote of the Day

"Ah, youth. Ah, statute of limitations."

I actually counted the words cause I couldn't quite believe it

This morning's incoming queries coughed up a query that was 690 words.  I know because I pasted it into Word and clicked "word count."

None of 690 words told me what the book was about. None.

The letter was full of how this book would be promoted; how "controversial" was an understatement; how it will "provoke" readers. Well, it provoked me, but not in the way the writer intended, I'll bet.

I couldn't even tell if it was fiction or non-fiction. I certainly couldn't tell where it belonged in a book store; the premise of the book; what problem it proposed to illuminate or solve (essential for non-fiction) or anything other than the writer had no clue how to communicate effectively.

This, as you might suspect, is a recipe for instant rejection.

It's easy to get so caught up and familiar with your project you forget your audience hasn't heard ANY of it. You have to start with the basics.  Tell me the category, and the problem if it's non-fiction. Tell me the start of the plot if it's a novel.

If you're wondering if this could apply to your query, ask someone who has never read your book to read your query. Then ask them "what is this book about?"  If the answer is anything but "I don't know" you're probably ok.

nom nom!

Need the rest of the article? Yea, me too. Here ya go.

Tip of the chapeau to Lauren Roberts of BiblioBuffet, 

the source of many amazing things.

If you are a writer, you'll need this

You might need it today.
Maybe tomorrow.
Certainly sometime in the coming year.

Print it out.
Put it in a place you can find it.

Here's the link.

Will "writing a book" be on your list of New Year resolutions?

Here's a blog post with some helpful ideas to get you started.

Written?Kitten!

Trust me, you are going to LOVE this!

Here's what I wrote (yes, there's a typo)

of course I found this at Molly O'Neill's blog. Where else?

Telefonita questions

Dear Ms. Reid:
I have contacted a (very) small press about my novel and we have gotten to the point where they have requested a full. In the event they accept this manuscript, would it then be all right for me to telephone an agent (maybe even you, perhaps) to negotiate the contract?

Nooo.
no no no.



no phone.

In this circumstance you will EMAIL an agent to inquire if they are interested in helping you negotiate the contract. (a good example can be found in this BookEndsLLC blog post)

And probably you're not going to find one who will because 15% of a small advance is usually not enough money to make it worth while.  Most agents or agencies have standard contracts with publishers with whom they do business on a regular basis.  We don't have to renegotiate most of the terms and conditions on each deal.


With a new publisher and a small press, much of that has to be negotiated and it's time consuming as hell.


If you get to this point and you can't find an agent to help you, email me again and I'll give you the name of a contract review specialist who charges by the hour and can give you advice on which clauses you can/should negotiate with the publisher.

Again, la telefonita is NOT your friend

Two phone calls today, neither from people who were clueless, but they absolutely did not get the help they thought they should get.

First was a very nice woman I met at a conference. As at all conferences, I handed out my card and welcomed queries. She queried and received a reply; sadly it was a form rejection.

This morning she called and said her name. She needed "just some advice on why her novel was rejected." I had no idea who she was.  Her shocked tone when she replied "but you just rejected this on Sunday" led me to believe she had no idea that she was one of a 100 people who heard from me yesterday.

And of course, even if I was going to give any kind of feedback it would NEVER be on the phone. And certainly not in the middle of the day when I was doing other things. 

I know she thought I was rude. I know she hung up feeling bad.
Honestly though, I'm astounded people think this is Undergraduate Lit 101 and I'm some sort of prof with office hours for writers to drop in and get help.

This is a for-profit business and I spend my time doing what I think is going to make me boatloads of money. Shiploads would be better. Helping you figure out why your book doesn't work is not going to make me any money. It makes you feel better. Those are NOT the same things.



The second caller gave me his name and said he'd like to speak to an agent about his book.  I told him that all initial contact with agents and the agency is in writing. 

Well, who should he contact?
Look at the website. All the info is there.

And I'm not going to give you anyone's name to contact because I don't know what my colleagues are looking for.  In a smaller agency everyone might know that stuff.  I don't.  I know what *I* am looking for and that's it.

You'd think people would figure out they are not calling the main number for FPLM when I pick up the phone and say my name. But they don't.

The second caller was clearly used to dealing with more retail kinds of business; he was befuddled that I wasn't eager to help him.  He was a writer, I made money from writers...why was I being such a Cruella Devil?

Because if you can't follow really simple directions, OR it doesn't occur to you to LOOK for directions, you're not ready to query. It's really as simple as that.

Yet, it's not a great feeling to know that both those people went away unhappy, and blame me for that.

I guess I'll dump some extra money in the bell ringers kettle today to adjust my karmic balance. And write a blog post to remind everyone that "do not call an agency at the initial query stage" is pretty much a hard and fast rule.  And if you think you're the exception, you're EXACTLY the person who needs to read this again and say "She's talking about ME" out loud. Ten times.

Q-ontest results! Electrifying! Unsuitable! HILARIOUS!

You've outdone yourselves on this one. Honestly, I save doing the results of these contests till the weekend cause it takes forever to read through them cause I'm laughing so hard.

Herewith the results:

Outstanding achievement in pandering:
Jesse 1:07am
M.R. Jordan 9:41 (with bonus points for poetry!)




First appearance by James Joyce with my ragtag band of merry clients:
Michael G-G 5:26pm




Excellent use of the multiple meaning of "birds"
Marina J. Lostetter 10:38am


Outstanding achievement in Hand-selling!
GregKShipman 12:59pm




Most terrifying idea since Barbara Poelle's airhorn: Suzie Townsend gunslinger!
Cynthia Ivers 11:38pm




Things I hope are never on the lunch menu at FPLM:
tunapalooza from Dan’s-Day-Old-Sushi
Terri Coop 3:11pm



Things I'd PAY to see:

While Sean distracted Evan with his spontaneous version of “Babaloo
P.J. Casselman 2:34pm

Then Jeff sang a Frank Sinatra tune
otin 3:10pm

After the reading, Dan approached the other authors. “Who wants to tickle fight?”
Harley May 4:16pm






Cracked me up for a good five minutes

“Then, inject liquid cheese.” (Photo 5) Jeff demonstrated. (Proprietary image blurred) “Microwave and voila!”
Kregger: 9am


Great line: 
Sean sniffed a pit, and grabbed his right arm to stop it from falling off.
Mark 9:02am




She Molly Bloomed him: yes I said yes I will Yes.
Michael G-G 5:26pm




And here are the finalists, the entries that were actual stories:
John 9am

Five athletes put their whole selves into the quest for gold; none thought simple “right hand in” would destroy him.

Pressure shatters Brooks: wrong hand. (0)

Evan buries his left in his pocket to escape the same fate, but the delay times him out. (3)

Three survivors face off. (1)

Jeff, disqualified for left-right labelled pompoms, claims ambiguity in ICHP regs, (5) but the judges scoff. (6)

Sean and Dan reach “right foot,” but Sean is stuck on right hand. He cringes, trying to pull back. (4) Dan wins.

The runners-up laugh amid tears. (2)

The tiniest slips - in professional hokey-pokey, that’s what it’s all about.




Sheila JG 11:22am
“It’s red-eye, from the flash.” That was BS (P0). He always said that, but DK was suspicious. He’d seen flashes of red in his eyes, usually right before the disappearances. The police were calling it the Brunette Vanishings.

DK warned the others, but they laughed at him (P1). Dk laughed, too. Then he vanished.

“That, DK. What an imagination,” JS whispered (P2). SF laughed. He didn’t have anything to worry about. Or did he?

EM stood to speak (P3), noticing the audience (P6). No brunettes. What if it was true? His hand began to fade.

It started with the hands (P4). A slight blurring (P5). Then nothing.




Shaunna 6:28pm
Considering the years since the suspects' last meeting, their postural similarities were uncanny. (photo 1) The jury's task, already difficult, seemed well nigh impossible. (photo 6) Still, they had to try.

They questioned Evan first, and he seemed an upright fellow -- until his hand began to shake, and then they thought, 'His tell! Surely he's the one.' (photo 3)

But their glee turned to dismay when Sean (photo 4) and Jeff (photo 5) appeared, each a portrait of the other, identical to the very last tic.

The jury despaired. "This trial brooks madness," they cried, when suddenly, Jeff scratched his nose. (photo 2). "A boon," the foreman said. "The jig is up."


Just Jan 1:06am

"My name is Evan, and I'm a vampire." (PHOTO 3)

"Good grief," Jeff muttered (PHOTO 2). "Not another one."

Sean approached the microphone. "This isn't Vampires Anonymous, folks. Anyone else in the wrong room?" (PHOTO 4)

Two wraiths slunk out with Evan. A woman in the front row fidgeted with her scarf. Unnoticed, an ember-eyed fiend (PHOTO BROOKS) mesmerized the remaining audience (PHOTO 6) from the wings.

Jeff stepped up and began to read (PHOTO 5). Without missing a word, he swatted a large bat that swooped in beside him. The bat shrieked, morphed into the fiend, and fell dead.

Dan congratulated him during intermission (PHOTO 1). "Nice backhand. Buffy would be proud."




And the winner is John 9am!  Who could resist the hokey pokey!

John, send me your mailing address and I'll send you a copy of each of the books.  If you own any of them already, we can find something else to fill out the prize box.

Congratulations to each of you who entered!  It was a lot of fun to read your work.

What's happening across the roof?

The view from my new office window

On a clear day, here in NYC, you might be able to see forever, but on a SUNNY day, here at the reef, this is what we see out our window!

"This really is a novel for both head and heart"

A beautifully written review of Q by Fleur Fisher.


This blog post is a sterling example of what writers should do on their blogs. (NOT write about querying or rejections!) In fact, her whole blog makes me wish she was a writer.  I ♥ it a lot. Also, alot

From the mouths of babes

tip of the hat to Jezebel.com