Saturday, December 03, 2011

Q-ontest results! Electrifying! Unsuitable! HILARIOUS!

You've outdone yourselves on this one. Honestly, I save doing the results of these contests till the weekend cause it takes forever to read through them cause I'm laughing so hard.

Herewith the results:

Outstanding achievement in pandering:
Jesse 1:07am
M.R. Jordan 9:41 (with bonus points for poetry!)

First appearance by James Joyce with my ragtag band of merry clients:
Michael G-G 5:26pm

Excellent use of the multiple meaning of "birds"
Marina J. Lostetter 10:38am

Outstanding achievement in Hand-selling!
GregKShipman 12:59pm

Most terrifying idea since Barbara Poelle's airhorn: Suzie Townsend gunslinger!
Cynthia Ivers 11:38pm

Things I hope are never on the lunch menu at FPLM:
tunapalooza from Dan’s-Day-Old-Sushi
Terri Coop 3:11pm

Things I'd PAY to see:

While Sean distracted Evan with his spontaneous version of “Babaloo
P.J. Casselman 2:34pm

Then Jeff sang a Frank Sinatra tune
otin 3:10pm

After the reading, Dan approached the other authors. “Who wants to tickle fight?”
Harley May 4:16pm

Cracked me up for a good five minutes

“Then, inject liquid cheese.” (Photo 5) Jeff demonstrated. (Proprietary image blurred) “Microwave and voila!”
Kregger: 9am

Great line: 
Sean sniffed a pit, and grabbed his right arm to stop it from falling off.
Mark 9:02am

She Molly Bloomed him: yes I said yes I will Yes.
Michael G-G 5:26pm

And here are the finalists, the entries that were actual stories:
John 9am

Five athletes put their whole selves into the quest for gold; none thought simple “right hand in” would destroy him.

Pressure shatters Brooks: wrong hand. (0)

Evan buries his left in his pocket to escape the same fate, but the delay times him out. (3)

Three survivors face off. (1)

Jeff, disqualified for left-right labelled pompoms, claims ambiguity in ICHP regs, (5) but the judges scoff. (6)

Sean and Dan reach “right foot,” but Sean is stuck on right hand. He cringes, trying to pull back. (4) Dan wins.

The runners-up laugh amid tears. (2)

The tiniest slips - in professional hokey-pokey, that’s what it’s all about.

Sheila JG 11:22am
“It’s red-eye, from the flash.” That was BS (P0). He always said that, but DK was suspicious. He’d seen flashes of red in his eyes, usually right before the disappearances. The police were calling it the Brunette Vanishings.

DK warned the others, but they laughed at him (P1). Dk laughed, too. Then he vanished.

“That, DK. What an imagination,” JS whispered (P2). SF laughed. He didn’t have anything to worry about. Or did he?

EM stood to speak (P3), noticing the audience (P6). No brunettes. What if it was true? His hand began to fade.

It started with the hands (P4). A slight blurring (P5). Then nothing.

Shaunna 6:28pm
Considering the years since the suspects' last meeting, their postural similarities were uncanny. (photo 1) The jury's task, already difficult, seemed well nigh impossible. (photo 6) Still, they had to try.

They questioned Evan first, and he seemed an upright fellow -- until his hand began to shake, and then they thought, 'His tell! Surely he's the one.' (photo 3)

But their glee turned to dismay when Sean (photo 4) and Jeff (photo 5) appeared, each a portrait of the other, identical to the very last tic.

The jury despaired. "This trial brooks madness," they cried, when suddenly, Jeff scratched his nose. (photo 2). "A boon," the foreman said. "The jig is up."

Just Jan 1:06am

"My name is Evan, and I'm a vampire." (PHOTO 3)

"Good grief," Jeff muttered (PHOTO 2). "Not another one."

Sean approached the microphone. "This isn't Vampires Anonymous, folks. Anyone else in the wrong room?" (PHOTO 4)

Two wraiths slunk out with Evan. A woman in the front row fidgeted with her scarf. Unnoticed, an ember-eyed fiend (PHOTO BROOKS) mesmerized the remaining audience (PHOTO 6) from the wings.

Jeff stepped up and began to read (PHOTO 5). Without missing a word, he swatted a large bat that swooped in beside him. The bat shrieked, morphed into the fiend, and fell dead.

Dan congratulated him during intermission (PHOTO 1). "Nice backhand. Buffy would be proud."

And the winner is John 9am!  Who could resist the hokey pokey!

John, send me your mailing address and I'll send you a copy of each of the books.  If you own any of them already, we can find something else to fill out the prize box.

Congratulations to each of you who entered!  It was a lot of fun to read your work.


Ali Trotta said...

Love this. Such a great batch of entries. Congrats to John!!

Great job, everyone. :-)

Michael G-G said...

Congratulations to all the amazing finalists, and especially winner John. These were all such fun to read. I doff my fedora to you.

Terri Lynn Coop said...

Done in by the hokey-pokey! Congrats John on the big win and here's a gift certificate from Dan's, enjoy ; )

To everyone who entered, well done! That was a toughie. Thanks Janet for the fab contest.


otin said...

That was a blast!

Just Jan said...

I agree, the hokey pokey IS irresistible. Congratulations to John!

And thanks, Janet, for sponsoring such a fun contest. Everyone who entered deserves a round of applause.

Mark said...

Well done "John 9 a.m." (I know it's just John, but that's a cool blog name:)

Mahalo to you, Janet, for the "Great Line" mention, and for hosting these contests... they're always fun after days focused on WIP... kinda like eating a triangle of dark Toblerone after a week of sugar-free snacks :

Sheila JG said...

Congratulations John! And thank you Janet, for doing these contests. It's so much fun to read what everyone comes up with.

Anonymous said...

Ms. Reid, thank you for inspiring these clever writers and brightening my day. I will never see the hokey pokey as anything less than the competitive sport it really is . . . genius!

kregger said...

Good job, everyone.

Pictures are harder then words, but then, isn't a single picture worth a thousand words?


jesse said...

Done howling I see...
Back when I was in the service, they said to me, they said, "If you're gonna do something, do it right"
I like to remind myself of this whenever I coerce myself out of bed and venture into the collaborative absurdity that is the real world, or (in this case) a simulation of it. As such, I take pride in my pandering, and appreciate the recognition.
Kudos John 9 a.m., and everyone else.