And we have a winner in the TIT writing contest!

These writing contests are really fun to read. Y'all are really entertaining!

Special recognition to the first minimalist to tell a story:
Katt 9:35pm

The octopus is glad to be mentioned:
Becky Mushko 10:11pm

The Harumph Award for intimating that Suzie Townsend is ever on the edge of hysteria, or could be even slightly intimidated by a copy machine, on fire or not:
Shelley Watters 1:11pm

Really fun wordplay:
Jeanne 3:54pm
C. R. Evers 9:15pm
K 10:18pm

Disqualified for word count but amazing nonetheless:
Cole Howard 12:58pm

Nicely done!
Matt 12:25am
Annie 4:25am

Michael G-G 11:58am
The Sentence Sleuth 4:24pm

April 7:39pm
Simon Hay Soul Healer 9:29pm

Jake 9:51pm
Terri Coop 10:56pm



Here are four outstanding finalists:

UnderDifferentStars 10:12pm

Jimmy leaned against the door frame, smoking a hand-rolled cigarette. June glared at him, her viola bow held out like a sword.

"If you're here to beg for forgiveness..." she snarled.

Jimmy laughed softly. Despondently.

"Nothing of the sort, my dear." He took his hat off. "I came to say goodbye. I'm leaving. This is it."

Jenny lowered the bow slightly. "What do you mean?"

"I mean the debt's paid. But I've gotta disappear."

"Wait," she started.

He cut her off with a nod toward the stage.

"You're up next. Break a leg."

"Jimmy, I-"

"It's too late, love. Goodbye."

Ptolemy-rekhyt 12:18am

With the security system deactivated you feel no fear while you jimmy the lock on the door and creep into the mansion. You make your way to the East wing: the gallery.

A British Cavalry Officer’s Presentation Sword cir. 1850, a Monet in a frame, and an antique viola that belonged to William Primrose later, you sneak out through the hallway when you hear footsteps and the hammer fall on some kind of revolver.

You turn and see your father, smoking a Cuban cigar with the barrel pointing at you. He ashes on his own Persian rug and says, “Again.”

Angela 10:12am

Viola—one smoking hot babe—bounced on Jimmy’s sword until she broke the bed frame.

Two years later she broke his heart. Three thousand for child support, and he was just plain broke.

Four days, it had been since that fat-assed, red-faced boss canned him. Five hours and Jimmy was on a tear, perched on a barstool at Lucky’s.

Six bullets loaded in the chamber, the gunmetal was cold against his temple. By seven, they pronounced him dead.

Eight people showed up to the funeral. Nine including the priest. What a ten-pack of condoms could’ve done for poor Jimmy…

Jenny in Seattle 11:57pm

I couldn't sleep.

The sleepover at Viola’s wasn’t going as planned.

We’d tried smoking some stolen Marlboro’s, huddled inside her mom’s Airstream trailer after using a paper clip to jimmy the lock.

And her cute brother had showed us his awesomely weird sword collection, touching my arm while showing me how to hold one.

Viola wasn’t my friend.

It was supposed to be a frame, a setup. I’d take humiliating pictures of her, post them on Facebook, ruin her life.

“Just go.” A whisper in the dark.

Viola.

“What?”

“I knew the plan all along.”

And the winner of the contest is the one and only Angela 10:12am. Angela, if you'll send me your mailing address we'll send you a copy of TUNE IN TOKYO! (email me at janet@fineprintlit.com)


Congrats to all those singled out, and thanks to all who entered!

Read this

I intend to buy a copy of this book as soon as I can get my fins on it.

And then I intend to buy a copy for every single one of my clients and some extra inventory for future clients.

You could call me a fan of Bob Ward.

Read this. You will be too.

Today it takes a poem

to say what the heart is feeling.

(I learned yesterday that Glen Beck believes he is "honoring Martin Luther King" by holding a rally at the same location and on the same date as the 1963 rally where Rev King made his impassioned I Have A Dream speech.)

The Second Coming
by William Butler Yeats


TURNING and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;

Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;

The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.

Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand.

The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: somewhere in sands of the desert
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.


The darkness drops again; but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

The TiT's Writing Contest!

Ok, you know I don't mean breasts, right?


I have acronyms for most of the books I represent. It's easier to write ADSOB than spell out A DIFFERENT SHADE OF BLUE every time I write to the author Adam Eisenberg.

Some are great: DOGS (DREAMING OF GWEN STEFANI by Evan Mandery)

Some are deliciously naughty: TIT (TUNE IN TOKYO by Tim Anderson)



I love TUNE IN TOKYO but I couldn't sell it. I say this somewhat shamefacedly since it's a GREAT book, and I think it's my fault it didn't sell. But the author Tim Anderson is a lot of things, and a gracious gent is one of them.


He self-published TUNE IN TOKYO and was kind enough to speak well of me in the acknowledgments.












In honor of the publication of my favorite book that isn't "mine": a writing contest!

Tell me a story in 100 words or fewer. Use the following words in the story:

jimmy
frame
viola
smoking
sword


One entry per person please. You can re-do your entry if you need to, but only one is counted for the purposes of the prize. If you enter twice, I take the later edition.

The prize you ask? Of course, it is a copy of the book! I bet I can even hornswoggle Tim into autographing it for you!

Contest starts now and runs until midnight Saturday (11:59pm Saturday 8/28). All times listed are Eastern Shark Time.

Go!

Ask Jeff anything!

And this one is even funnier

"God is not a careless mechanic"

Who is Alanis Morissette quoting on Twitter you might ask?

Well, that would be Ina May Gaskin, author of Ina May's Guide to Childbirth (which has been called "the most informative and important book about childbirth ever written.") and Ina May's Guide to Breastfeeding. Some the things she's said over the years really resonated with readers.


We're very proud to count her as a FinePrint client, represented by the inimitable Stephany Evans. You don't hear much about Stephany in Cyberia. She's busy discovering great projects and nurturing long-term careers.

Yes, beta readers are good idea!

Meredith and Suzie get Vultured

Yes, well now you know why ZERO work got done here on Monday afternoon.

I was abandoned by both Meredith

AND

The Suzenator!


However, the bribe was delicious!

Great Gassy Goblins, we have a winner!

It was heinously hard to select a winner; you've really outdone yourselves this time!

There were some lines that just cracked me up:

"sinister seaport of Vordak’s nemesis, the Query Shark"
(Patty Blount 10:02am)


"Yes, 'tis a heinous thing, jumping the shark, but it's far more painful to miss the landing. CHOMP!"
(Josin L. McQuein 12:56pm)

"Holy molars!"
(L.Bowser 1:48pm)

"Lucy approached the shark tank to pet her minion, Query."
(Lisa B 4:32pm)


Some lines were quite evocative:

"headgear framing her face like the winning entry in a bicycle crash contest."
(Jinlong 1:25pm)

"the sinister slid from his expression"
(I Like Cheese 1:56pm)

"heinous was the new sinister."
(NotJana 7:12pm)




Minimalism is the new heinous, which I'm told is the new sinister:
(Haste yee back ;-) 12:59pm)
(kd Easley 1:01pm)
(Jesse 4:19pm)


Just plain cracked me up:
Laurel 4:34 pm ("Sorry, Your Heinous"--I'm STILL laughing)
Lucy Woodhull 7:04pm (servicing the Loathsomobile)
Grace 12:35pm

Cameo appearance by my favorite goat
Sha'el, Princess of Pixies (10:18pm)

Homage to Twilight
Claire Svendsen 10:58pm

Homage to Harry Potter
Megan B (11:30pm)





Special recognition for poetry:
Humortic (11:08am)
River (12:17pm)

Tess (11:44pm)
Catherine (12:20am)

Simon C. Larter (1:05pm)


Special recognition for really really BAD poetry:
Vordak 4:04pm


Here are the stories that made the final cut:
Tom M. Franklin (10:29am)
Steve Forti (11:21am)

Brian Buckley (12:41pm)
Rebecca T. Little (5:39pm)

Nate Wilson (10:57pm)


Special recognition for a very very strange interpretation of "Tell Me A Story"
Vordak 11:58AM



Here are the four entries that made the final list:

Patrick DiOrio (11:53am)

We squared off. We fought. He utilized the martial arts attack perfected by Foo Yu Wuns. I countered with the classic Yo Mofo defense. It worked. I defeated the heinous evildoer, Ballstothewalls.

But when I removed the concealing headgear of my nemesis, I discovered that it was his minion, Kissass, whom I had defeated. Ballstothewalls was hiding in the sinister shadows, waiting. He attacked with the indefensible Urassisgrass. Enough. I shot the sumbitch with a .357 magnum. He died at my feet.

“Let this be a lesson,” I said. “Even with Ballstothewalls, your ass is grass against a gun.”

SarahW (12:13pm)

When I was in middle school, I wore heinous orthodontal headgear to correct a severe overbite. But there was nothing so painful that Phllip Sanderborne--- my nemesis since the Panty Elastic Incident in first grade---couldn't make worse.


He called me RoboRat, a nickname that stuck. He tried to electrocute me with static and snapped the elastic that kept my wires in place until I cried in class. His minions delivered sinister notes that compared me to bucktoothed roadkill.

I swore that I would spend the rest of my life making him pay for his crimes.

Reader, I married him.

Michael G-G (1:19pm)

“Sinister, Dexter.”

My nemesis, Sr. Dolores, marches me round the detention room. Never trust someone who jokes in Latin. It’s heinous.

“That’s right, Dexter O’Donnell,” she says. “You’ll not forget your sinister left from your dextrous right now, will you?”

Before I can reply, her eyes glaze over and a whirring comes from her headgear. The black part lifts with hydraulic smoothness, revealing Virgil, the class gerbil. He’s dressed in ninja black.

“Virgil,” I stammer. “I thought you were Sister’s favorite pet.”

He clutches Vordak’s manual of menace to his chubby little chest. “I’m nobody’s minion,” he says. “Caveat emptor!”

Cole Howard (8:29pm)

“Sinister, derived from the Latin ‘sin’ and English’s ‘sister’, carries the literal meaning ‘heinous nun’ or, more commonly, ‘God’s disguised nemesis.’”

No one laughs as they devote their notebooks to his revelation.

“I dnt thnk tht’s wut tht acshuly mns,” I say, humming from on high in the back of class. I don’t raise my hand like his front-row minions, and his eyes are in communion with annoyance.

“Good heavens, Moses, I never understand you,” he says, tracing his jaw. “Does your headgear actually affect your brain, or just your speech?” Even Aaron laughs. Somewhere inside me the bush engulfs.

It was very very hard to select a winner but after careful consideration the winner of the Great Gassy Goblins Writing Contest is SarahW (who is great but not gassy nor a goblin!)

Sarah, if you'll send me your mailing address we'll send you a copy of the manual of menace HOW TO GROW UP AND RULE THE WORLD, and a mug to drink tea as you plan your attack.

Congratulations to everyone who entered; thanks for a hilarious time!

Tuesday!

First came Monday!

Now it's Tuesday!

Great Gassy Goblins it's another writing contest!

Today is the last day you're safe from Vordak T. Incomprehensible, the baddest bad guy to ever stake out the rake department at Home Depot.






Vordak likes to think he is as evil as I am, but of course, he's just an amateur compared to the Great Evility that is I.







Vordak's manual of menace How To Grow Up and Rule the World will be unleashed on the innocent and unsuspecting world tomorrow.





To mark the day, a writing contest! Prizes include a copy of the actual manual of menace itself, and a mug featuring my favorite photo of Vordak:




Writing Contest rules: Tell me a story in 1o0 words or less. Use these five words in the story:

heinous
headgear
nemesis
sinister
minion


Post your entry in the comments column of this blog post. One entry per person. Contest starts NOW and runs until Vordak rules the world or Tuesday morning at 9:33am whichever comes first.

Go!

101 Things I Learned in Contest School aka We have a winner!

This contest generated the most entries we've had: 165!!

There were a lot of good entries with Fairbanks, as in Alaska, rather than Fairbank, as in the right word, sadly.



I always like seeing the clever references you work in:

Reference to the agency
(Rachael Harrie 6:10am)

Reference to Twilight
(Izzy 9:20am)
(Magolla 10:55am)

Reference to Sorche Fairbank
(Malia Sutton 11:11am)
(Bill Plante 11:37am)

Reference to Winnie the Pooh
(Lyle 5:13pm)

Reference to last week's contest
(The Zuccini 8:54am)

Reference to my sale list
Sarah W (10:03am)



And what contest could be complete without a reference to cupcakes!
(Claire Svendsen 10:05am)



Two entries took minimalism to a new low (word count that is!)
Katt (12:41am)
(Toni Lynn 11:10PM)


There were some entries with wonderful lines:

"The Revolution, it seemed, would not be televised"
(Ian 12:14am)


"Attorny Notzo Fairbank, Esq"
(C.R. Evers 1:42am)

"She got the Mercedes, I got the Honeywagon Blues."
(wry wryter 8:43am)

“Wag on!” he yelled as he transformed into the quadruped Terrier Man and darted into the yard. (Mama Bear 9:34am)

Sheila and I staggered off the Honeywagon, a combination tunnel of love, centrifuge and hayride (Ulysses 10:01am)

Worthington Thomas Fairbank, cursed by thoughtless parents to a life without monogrammed items
(BDA 10:28am)

In a pivotal miss-stake, Mick opened a huge gash in the metal.
(Shakespeare 10:30am)

Robert entered FairBank, hoping its namesake meant the loan officer here was more reasonable than that jerk over at CruelBank.
(Steve Forti 11:21am)

Why was I surprised that a restaurant called the Honeywagon had crappy signs?
(The Sentence Sleuth 4:15pm)

Eat shit and live, you blood-sucking scumbag!
(Wolfman141 1:19pm)


Someone's been reading too much metafiction!
Adam Kirchhoff 3:56pm


Great story with too many words, but still, special recognition:
JustWriteCat (2:24pm)

Two entries just cracked me up
Joseph L Selby (8:54am) (and yes, I know you can't see the Potomac from the White House, but who cares)

Ronda Gibb Hinrischsen (2:48pm)



These entries made the final cut:
Linda Leszczuk (1:40am)
Patrick DiOrio (10:07am)

BPatterson (12:36pm)
J.C. Montgomery (10:11pm)

Alex (8:29am)
Malcolm Matthews (10:42am)

Kathie (10:43am)
Michelle McLean (10:43am)

de la O (11:33am)
LoriWeeks (12:58pm)
RBSHoo (3:14pm)






The three finalists are:

Sha'el, Princess of Pixies (3:32pm)

“Oh, My God, this IS a pivotal moment”

“For you, maybe. But I’m a traditionalist. I have a stake in this, and I’m not happy.”

“But think about it – umm what’s your name?”

“Worker 32957.”

“Ah, yes. As I was saying, think about it. No more mindless flying, buzzing, dancing or any of that nonsense.”

“There are flaws in your reasoning, brother. Won’t you miss the Fairbank? The exploring? The picnic buzzing? It’s tradition.”

“But with the new honeywagon concept there will be no need. Freedom from tired wings at last.”

C (9:33am)

I staked this spot on the fair bank of the Snake River just for you, honey.

It was pivotal, marrying you in Independence. I thought I’d make a life of my own in Oregon; I just needed a ride. And honey, you danced on your tenderfeet all the way up the aisle.

But honey, you shouldn’t have taught me to shoot buffalo so flawlessly. And honey, you should never have traded the last of my good calico for another box of bullets.

Honey, the wagon wasn’t big enough for the both of us.

Maybe you should have died of dysentery.

John Haggerty (7:47pm)

He rolls in at midnight, stops the conversation like a cardiac arrest, smooth fairbank suit, hair slick and without flaws, a honeywagon on his arm who witches all of those men into dogs.

The filthy prospecting rubes down from their gold-dry stakes up in the hills, the knifey thieves and grifters from town, everyone just stares, as he picks up the dice, and though it’s not his turn, whispers, “One pivotal roll, who’s in.”

They lay their pennies down like penitents, and then he’s gone, and they are laid clean, like infants washed in the blood of the lamb.

The winner is the one that knocked my sox off: John Haggerty.


John, if you'll send me your mailing address we'll send you a copy of 101 Things I Learned in Film School and 101 Things I Learned in Business School. And we'll be watching for your query about that novel you've got percolating.

A writing contest that will knock your sox clean off!

I've mentioned how much I adore Matthew Frederick's book 101 Things I Learned in Architecture School before. I carry a copy of it with me for when I need a quick pickmeup of beautiful and functional; something that makes me happy just to hold and read.

I've urged you to buy the book till I'm blue in the face




And now! GREAT news!

I've got copies of the two NEW books in the series 101 Things I Learned in Film School and 101 Things I Learned in Business School. If you're thinking "I'm a writer, I don't need that" you're dead wrong.

Some of the best writing about writing is in the book on film.

Some of the best writing about publishing is in the book on business.

Here's your chance to win BOTH!

Writing contest!

In 100 words or less tell me a story. Include the following words:

honeywagon
flaws
stake
pivotal
fairbank


The contest starts now (12:01am Thursday 8/19) and runs almost 48 hours (11:59pm Friday 8/20) All times are based on EST-Eastern Shark Time.

Post in the comments column of this blog post.

One entry per person.
You can delete your first entry and take a mulligan if you think you need to.

Go!

I am JALTG heading toward E

With the advent of the internet, every person in the world has a bully pulpit for offering up advice. I'm not sure if other industries have the same problem publishing does, but we've got a lot of people shouting orders and issuing instructions who don't have a frigging clue what they're talking about.

How can you figure out if advice is worth the air it's shouted into?

First, remember advice can be right for one person and not another. Try something, and if it doesn't work for you, stop. Try something else.

Second, consider the source. Anyone who listens to authors tell you what works in a query isn't listening to the right source. Authors aren't READING queries. Agents, and in many cases agency interns, are.

This is not to say authors can't give you advice on writing queries. If however you get conflicting advice, remember who is actually doing the query reading when you decide which opinion deserves more weight.

Third, consider the advisor's experience, and expertise. I'm always amused to see people new to agenting offering up opinions like the Holy Grail. Saying you're an agent doesn't make you one. It's entirely possible what they say is correct but again, if you're hearing a variety of opinions, carefully weigh the experience of the person.

A lot of publishing information you find on the web is just flat out wrong. Thankfully this isn't rocket science or brain surgery and a mistake won't kill you. You might wish you were dead but you won't be.

There are no easy answers, or easy solutions. I'm wrong myself a good 3% of the time.

It's too bad agents don't come with ratings guides like movies do.

There could be:

TNTK: too new to know (much)

SBSO: Seasoned but still optimistic

HFAW: Helpful for (about) another week

JALTG: Jaded, and Looking To Gnaw

E: Exasperated

Query Stats from Tawna Fenske

I like to read blog posts by authors on their experiences in the query trenches.

Here's one by Tawna Fenske, she of the amazing blog Don't Pet Me, I'm Writing which I think is required reading if you need a dose of both hilarity and good writing at the start of the day.

680 Scrabble points!

One of the things I love about Twitter is I meet amazing, talented and funny people I would never have run across in real life.

Tonight I was in the FinePrint office eating pizza with Suzie Townsend and Kathleen Ortiz working away industriously on a manuscript edit. I took one of many a quick break to check in on Twitter.

I wrote:
I'm being Ortweezed!! @Kortizzle and @sztownsend81 are here, pestering me with pizza!!



My friend Em wrote back:
@Janet_Reid There are SO MANY Zs in that tweet! I wonder if "Ortweezed" is a valid Scrabble word...


I reply:
It is during games here at FinePrint! Also "squelched" "disarticulated" "townsendator" and "holyshityousaidwhat"


Which brings us to the piece de resistence from the lovely and talented Em herself:








Twitter is fun. It's not hard to do, and if you give it some time, you'll connect with people who enrich your life and ruin your keyboards. What could be better?

Slay me with laughter contest results!

You certainly rose to the challenge of slaying us!

A lot of you offered cameo appearances that were amusing:
cupcakes - Ali (9:27am)
Barabara Poelle AND the last contest - jdh (10:12am)
The Gweat and Tewwible Avery Cates - Cin (3:51pm)
Me! - Katt at 7:33pm


The entry by veschwab (hi victoria!)
demonstrates someone needs to quit studying for her math test! (11:03am)

My new libation of choice come from Izzy at 12:09pm:
"Mix me a shot of Vodka, Amaretto, Triple Sec, and Everclear Cola, and make it snappy."


There were some individual lines that made me laugh out loud:
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar, which is funny because zombies normally have great eyesight. (Lumpy Dog 11:21am)

“Ah, cut him some slack, Jane. His heart’s broken. Remember, to Eyre is human—” (Justwritecat 11:03pm)


Several of you had a lot of fun with the word BAR:
"A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walked into a Bar..nes and Noble." (wry wryter 4:47pm)

A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar association. (Princess Sara 2:41am)

A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a Bar-B-Q. (Derek Whisman 11:09am)

A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a barrister's office. (Rachael Harrie 6:53pm)


The award for outstanding achievement in the most graphic use of gore goes to:
Kit (11:42am)


The award for outstanding achievement in the despicable act of punning goes to:
Papillon Crew (11:41pm)

The award for outstanding achievement in publishing/academic humor:
Terri Coop (2:45pm)


And our two finalists are Clair and Heidi Britz


Clair's entry:
A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar.

They select a table next to the juke box. It’s playing Monster Mash.

“I hate this song.”

Zombie hits the table with his fist and a finger falls off. Vampire leans in to get a better look.

“Want me to fix it?”

“Forget it.”

He tosses it into the bowl of nuts.

“Another student asked me why zombies weren’t in Twilight today.”

“Not again.”

“I should just kill myself.”

“You’re all ready dead.”

“Rub it in why don’t you.”

Governess hands him a brochure. “Will you accept our help and go to treatment today?”

“No.”

“You could write a memoir.”

“Really?”



Heidi Britz's entry:

A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar to commiserate after a long work week.

The vampire librarian grumbles,
“Thirteen teenage girls asked me if I sparkle. I whispered very loudly that if I am asked that again, I will gladly beat them to death with a thesaurus!”

The zombie nods in agreement and offers, “You think that’s bad? My boss fired me for losing two arms in one week on the job, something about conserving inventory and replacement costs. Damn economy.”

The governess smiled smugly, “I found out my lover’s ex wife is a crazy werewolf …AND the kids got the stomach flu.”

She won.




And the winner, selected by Sherri Browning Erwin (the monster slaying governess); Molly Harper (vampire librarian); and Robin Becker (professional zombie) is:

Heidi Britz!

Congratulations Heidi!


Send me your mailing address and we'll put your prize in the mail!
Thanks to all of you who slayed us!

The Slay Me With Laughter Writing Contest!

It's the Brains and Janes Contest!

Two Janes are better than one, and zombies can't get enough Brains.




Brains:
Robin Becker's Brains is the heartwarming story of one zombie's quest for understanding, equality, and yes, a life.












Jane #1:
Molly Harper's Jane Jameson is the heroine of the Nice Girls series: Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs, Nice Girls Don't Live Forever, and Nice Girls Don't Date Dead Men.











Jane #2:
Sherri Browning Erwin's Jane Slayre is Charlotte Bronte's Jane Eyre recast as a demon slaying governess.










The contest: in 115 words or less, tell a story starting with:

"A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar..."

(the fifteen words are the starting sentence; you write the next 100)

Your reward: Brains and Janes, of course!

A copy of BRAINS by Robin Becker;

of NICE GIRLS DON'T HAVE FANGS by Molly Harper;

and, of JANE SLAYRE by Sherri Browning Erwin and Charlotte Bronte.

Contest opens now and runs till midnight Sunday (40 hours or so from now)

Write your entry in the comments column of this blog. (Comments are moderated; they don't appear immediately)

One entry per person, please.

Slay us with laughter!

Feral writing

It took me a long time to realize that finding my own way to write was okay. I kept trying what people told me was “the way.”


Problem: there is no one way. It’s not like traveling by train where there are rails and if you go off you’re doomed; it’s a bit more like exploring hiking trails: go for a while, get lost, refind the trail, get lost again, find some amazing views you didn’t expect, then pass out, exhausted.


Once I discovered that it was okay to write like me things fell into place. I was no longer beating myself up for failing at someone else’s process, and I was no longer writing stories that felt like a stranger had written.

The entire Sean Ferrell interview with Victoria Schwab is here.

UK readers: here's a chance to win Jeff Somers

although by "win Jeff Somers" I don't mean the actual Somersian biped that strolls the dive bars of Jersey.

More like his latest novel THE TERMINAL STATE.

Here's the link to the contest

And the winner is

It took a while to drag The Slithery One out of her hazmat suit, put a drink in her hand, and ask her to judge the contest.

Actually getting her disrobed and drunk didn't take any time at all. Getting her eyes to focus and her fingers on the keyboard...well, let's just say that took a direct plea from the Wombat of Terror.


To refresh your memory: Barbara was caught kissing a dinosaur.





Your challenge was to explain who and why.


Several of you had lines that just cracked me up:



Toni LP Kelner "fellow reptile"

DRM7476 "a stretch too far"

Karin "how about a string theory setting"

Wry Wryter "The neighbor's insolent children look delectable"

Jm Diaz "that, my friend, is how you get a happy meal"


Absolutely the funniest subtle joke in years:
Bane of Anubis "fly-by-night paleontologist Dirk Diggler"


A very accurate description of The Slithery One:
Lucy Woodhull "She girded her loins (narrowly avoiding a Charlie Horse)"



And the two finalists:

jdh:
Sure, it’s gonna to cost me a month’s pay to cover Poelle’s bar tab, but as I watched my old buddy Barney get his first play since the Jurassic, I knew my reputation as the world’s best wingman was secured.



Cheryl:

“Dahling, I looove it!” cried La Slitherina as she surveyed the preparations for the evening’s performance of Walking with Dinosaurs.

Poelle swirled her dirty martini as she circled one of the animatronics.

“It’s perfect, and just the thing to keep me one step ahead of the Sharkly one.”

She caressed the beast—her ruby nails skittered along its hide—and pictured a future full of beguiling would-be clients from under the cold fins of her adversary.

“Shark skin is so passé,” she cooed, her lips brushing along its jaw. “You, sir, are going to make a fine pair of shoes.”



And the winner, selected by the Slithery One herself, is Cheryl. Cheryl, if you'll send me your mailing address we'll get a copy of Kristan Higgins RITA award winning book off to you in the mail.

An extrordinary thing has happened

QueryShark has been up and running for about 28 months. There are 168 entries. I've signed one client out of the that list (the amazing Dan Krokos #124.)

But look at #119.

When this query arrived it was the very definition of mess. I spent more time striking out paragraphs than actually critiquing them. My final comment was "I don't have any clue what the story is here. Form rejection."

So the author worked on it. She didn't get much better, but there was progress.

At the second iteration, I gave her the recipe for a query and told her to start over.

The third iteration got us somewhere in terms of the plot.

The fourth and fifth iterations were better, but frankly it was still unfocused and not enticing.


By revision #6, we'd been at this for almost a YEAR. A lot of that was down time since I work on QueryShark in off hours; when I'm not so exasperated at mistakes I can actually offer constructive suggestions rather than simply "this sux, what are you thinking"; and, on the most recent post revisions first.

But she hung there. And didn't give up. And tried.

And holy moly, she made it.

The sixth version, posted today is so much improved, that the only apt metaphor is caterpillar to butterfly.

I'm so proud of this author I could hug her. And we all know: DO. NOT. HUG. THE. SHARK. is a hard and fast rule.

This is what tenacity looks like.
This is what writers are made of.


The shark is very very happy.

What you don't see

A couple of things happened this last year that reinforced my growing suspicion most people don't know what agents do. Most particularly those who don't know are the very people who are "informed"--the ones who read the blogs, attend the conferences, follow us on twitter. Even clients and editors.


There's a reason for that: we don't talk about it. We don't and can't talk about most of the things we do. I can't mention any specifics because I can't talk about my clients' business in public. Not at all.


I can talk about querying, and reading manuscripts, and conferences, because those are general information, and guideline type things. I can talk about reviews, and book signings, and blog mentions, and contests because those are public.

The sum total of ALL of those things is about 10% of my work day and work week. Less if it's really busy.


The major disadvantage to the increasing transparency of publishing (and much of that transparency started with agent blogs-a transparency I'm proud to be part of) is that it leads to the idea ALL of publishing is now transparent.


It's not.

And it shouldn't be.

I advocate for and represent each client individually. Their business is not the concern of anyone else.

I read those "day in the life of an agent" posts (and I've written a few myself) and articles with a LOT of skepticism. Most of them are pretty general, and pretty unrealistic. You'd have to be an actual book on the shelf of my office to know what goes on there all day.

And that's the way it's going to stay.

So, why this post? Just a heads up that unless you've actually worked in an agency, and specifically with an agent, you probably don't know much if anything about what agenting actually entails.

Which is just fine, unless you plan on hanging out a shingle as an agent. You aren't planning to do that are you?

I'm so desperate for time off I've taken to reading about it!

So of course, DEATH'S EXCELLENT VACATION seemed like a good start.

A collection of short stories edited by my boon companion in the Dana Cameron Fan Club Toni L. P. Kelner (L.P. stands for Lightsaber Police), and someone else named Charlaine Something.

I'd hadn't heard of her before but she seems like a good writer, I'll bet she has a career ahead of her.

It's not quite the Riviera, but man oh man, it's a lovely second best!

Yum!

photo courtesy of the ever delightful,
and beloved former godsend
Kathleen Ortiz

California strikes down ban on gay "marriage"

I put marriage in quotes because we're really not talking about marriage. We're talking about civil rights.

If I told you "No insurance benefits because you're not Catholic" you'd be (justifiably) outraged.

If I told you "No, you can't adopt a child because you're Jewish" you'd be (justifiably) outraged.

If I told you "No, you're not the next of kin because you don't believe in the divinity of Christ" you'd be (justifiably) outraged.

As long as "marriage" is the measuring stick government uses to determine what people can and cannot do, we can not discriminate about who is allowed to marry. Once it's not just a matter of religion, but a matter of public policy, there's no place for a religious standard.


Marriage is a sacrament in the Catholic church but that doesn't mean only Catholics get to be married. That's an idea so ludicrous, you laugh out loud.

That is in effect what we are saying though when we say "marriage is a only for heterosexual couples." We are investing a civil right with a religious requirement.

As a practicing Catholic, I value my freedom of religion very much, thank you. I'm not in favor of returning to state sanctioned or mandated religious practice of any kind.



Your opinion may vary. Express at will. Personal or vile comments will not see the light of day.

There's no such thing as the query police

However, we have other ways of dealing with font and format miscreants.

Yesterday morning at FPLM...

Man (arriving at door with large package) "Is Janet here?"

FPLM Door Dragon "Who?"

Man "Janet Reid?"

FPLM Door Dragon "No, not here."

Man "Meredith?"

FPLM Door Dragon "Meredith Hays, the literary agent?"


Man "No, I think she's Janet's assistant or familiar"

FPLM Door Dragon "no, not here"

Man (sweat appearing on brow) "Suzie? Suzie Townsend?"

FPLM Door Dragon "no, no Suzie"

Man (clutching bag to chest, breathing hard) "Did I dream all this?"

FPLM Door Dragon "Who are you?"

Man (fearfully) "Sean. Sean Ferrell"

FPLM Door Dragon "And is that a manuscript in the bag?"

Sean (somewhat choked up) "No, it's a gift for Janet and Meredith for pub day"

FPLM Door Dragon "Publication? Publication of what?"

Sean (weeping now) "My novel NUMB is being published today. I brought cupcakes!"

FPLM Door Dragon "Well, why didn't you say so!!"

Confetti falls from ceiling, marching band emerges from behind door, godsends descend on cupcakes, and a shark dives in:

Why you are on Twitter

It's where your readers are.

And you want to hear what they are saying

to wit:

I received a lovely surprise last week. After announcing that I had received book four in Jeff Somers series and bemoaning the fact I had book three but not the first two, the inestimable author himself contacted me via Twitter and asked if he could send me them for review.

How lovely is that? So unexpected, and such a treat. As a consequence, expect to see these shooting up my TBR pile - kindness begets kindness, after all!

If you think twitter is only about what you had for lunch, you're out to lunch.

Looking for a good writing conference?

Rocky Mountain Fiction Writers have a consistently excellent conference. I've been a visiting agent twice and each time I've been very impressed with the group.

Conferences are good for a lot of things you simply can not get any place else: face time with agents (either formally in pitch sessions and workshops or informally in the bar); hands on workshops with editors and published writers; a chance to meet your writerly ilk and trade horror stories of sharkly agents.

The RMFW 2010 conference is September 10-12 in Denver.

✔Good deed for the day!

You Got Some Explaining To Do CONTEST

To celebrate all the lovely RITA winners at RWA this weekend, the blog is hosting a romance contest.

In 100 words or fewer:

Explain Who Barbara Poelle Came To Be Smooching and WHY.

PRIZE: A copy of RITA award winner Kristan Higgins' TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE

(In case you've forgotten Kristan Higgins, in addition to being a good writer, is a potent weapon in the Agent Wars)


Contest opens now (8/1/2010 9:30pm EDT) and runs 27 hours (aka Barbara's workday) until 8/2/2010 11:59pm (EDT)

Write your entry in the comment section of this blog.

ONE entry per person please. I reserve the right to delete entries that are not suitable for posting. I am the sole judge of suitability. Comments are moderated.

Let the explaining begin!

I'm filing you under P for Perplexing

1. You're not an "emerging writer" if you've never been published.

2. I am not a "prospective agent."

3. When you put "Represented by: (your name)" I'm confident you don't know enough to be querying.

4. Anonymous references are (1) an oxymoron and (2) make me confident you don't know enough to be querying.

Are lounge lizards a dinosaur species?