I nodded for my calf in Webster at just after eleven p.m., slightly delayed by the bucking bull that hurdled the arena fence and went for a stroll through the contestant parking lot.
Anybody who says white men can’t jump didn’t see our friend Jeff hop flat-footed into the back of a four wheel drive pickup.
I have noticed athletic ability is greatly enhanced by a ton and half of snot-blowing motivation.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Hell with Pamplona
Are you exceptional?
The only thing in your query letter that should be the exception to the rule is your writing.
Nothing else.
No exception to "a query letter should be one page or about 250 words"
No exception to "include the first 3-5 pages of the novel."
No exception to "tell me what the novel is about in your query."
No exception to "one query = one project"
I can not emphasize enough that when I see this kind of "exceptional work" I just say no. I am not investing time in one-to-one email coaching on how to query. That's the purpose of this blog and QueryShark.
Sometimes you can't see your own mistakes. If you're getting a lot of "no" or a lot of silence (no response means no) take yourself to a writers conference and instead of pitching at a pitch session, get some feedback on your query letter.
I'm looking for exceptional writing....not writers who think they are exceptions.
Nothing else.
No exception to "a query letter should be one page or about 250 words"
No exception to "include the first 3-5 pages of the novel."
No exception to "tell me what the novel is about in your query."
No exception to "one query = one project"
I can not emphasize enough that when I see this kind of "exceptional work" I just say no. I am not investing time in one-to-one email coaching on how to query. That's the purpose of this blog and QueryShark.
Sometimes you can't see your own mistakes. If you're getting a lot of "no" or a lot of silence (no response means no) take yourself to a writers conference and instead of pitching at a pitch session, get some feedback on your query letter.
I'm looking for exceptional writing....not writers who think they are exceptions.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Thank God the lion was already booked
I slithered in to the office yesterday and found myself waylaid by machinating minions.
"Aha!" they cackled, "just who we wanted to see!"
When the minions want to see you, it's a bad sign. VERY bad.
I slithered over.
"We just need a quick photo," said Minion One.
"It's for a contest on Harley May's blog," said Minion Two.
"You'll only be on fire for a second!" said Minion Three
"And look, I brought a bucket of water, just in case," said Minion Four.
Harley May, I lay the blame for my now-missing eyebrows and four soggy minions entirely on you.
"Aha!" they cackled, "just who we wanted to see!"
When the minions want to see you, it's a bad sign. VERY bad.
I slithered over.
"We just need a quick photo," said Minion One.
"It's for a contest on Harley May's blog," said Minion Two.
"You'll only be on fire for a second!" said Minion Three
"And look, I brought a bucket of water, just in case," said Minion Four.
Harley May, I lay the blame for my now-missing eyebrows and four soggy minions entirely on you.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
I am closing to queries from 8/1/2010 to 8/31/2010
This is an experiment to see if I can get get current with my requested full manuscript backlog.
Queries are closed from 8/1/2010 to 8/31/2010.
I will send replies to people who query telling them the query won't be considered.
If I can get caught up, there are going to be some mighty happy folks, particularly the ones who have been waiting since...January. I hang my head in shame at the SEVEN MONTHS I've had their work.
Queries are closed from 8/1/2010 to 8/31/2010.
I will send replies to people who query telling them the query won't be considered.
If I can get caught up, there are going to be some mighty happy folks, particularly the ones who have been waiting since...January. I hang my head in shame at the SEVEN MONTHS I've had their work.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Over writing
I've spent a lot of time yapping about format in query letters.
A lot.
But not alot.
Truthfully, bad form won't kill you. It raises the bar to be sure, but it won't kill your query.
What will kill your query is bad writing. One of the most reliable indicators of bad writing is an inconspicuous little phrase:
My novel is approximately 75,074 words in length.
I'll give you a second to think why that generates the fastest no since "fiction novel."
got it?
Well, more like "got them?"
1. approximately 75,074. How much more precise can you get? 3/4 of a word? This is a sign you're not actually thinking about what you're writing. That is a BAD sign
2. words in length. What else would it be? Words in depth? Words in height? This is a sign you're over writing. Things like "she picked up the banana with her hands" Well, yea, what ELSE would she use?
Ok, if you're Tawna Fenske yes your feet, but generally people are picking things up with their hands. It's like saying she breathed with her lungs. In other words: d'uh.
Reexamine your query for this kind of over-writing. If I see it in a query, I know I'll see it in the novel. If I know I'll see it in the novel, I know I"m saying "no thanks."
A lot.
But not alot.
Truthfully, bad form won't kill you. It raises the bar to be sure, but it won't kill your query.
What will kill your query is bad writing. One of the most reliable indicators of bad writing is an inconspicuous little phrase:
My novel is approximately 75,074 words in length.
I'll give you a second to think why that generates the fastest no since "fiction novel."
got it?
Well, more like "got them?"
1. approximately 75,074. How much more precise can you get? 3/4 of a word? This is a sign you're not actually thinking about what you're writing. That is a BAD sign
2. words in length. What else would it be? Words in depth? Words in height? This is a sign you're over writing. Things like "she picked up the banana with her hands" Well, yea, what ELSE would she use?
Ok, if you're Tawna Fenske yes your feet, but generally people are picking things up with their hands. It's like saying she breathed with her lungs. In other words: d'uh.
Reexamine your query for this kind of over-writing. If I see it in a query, I know I'll see it in the novel. If I know I'll see it in the novel, I know I"m saying "no thanks."
Slushpile Hell FTW
Slushpile Hell pulls brief sentences from Those Who Shall Remain CluelessTM
If you read the blog, you're never going to end up on it.
Today's example:
I don’t have a particular book to propose, as I am comfortable in many areas. I’ve written a few lines below to give you my style. You can tell me what kind of book I should write.
And I’ve written a few lines below to give you my style. You can tell me which one you like as an answer to your query:
a. No
b. Hell no
c. Please direct all your future queries to the fine agents at William Morris
If you read the blog, you're never going to end up on it.
Today's example:
I don’t have a particular book to propose, as I am comfortable in many areas. I’ve written a few lines below to give you my style. You can tell me what kind of book I should write.
And I’ve written a few lines below to give you my style. You can tell me which one you like as an answer to your query:
a. No
b. Hell no
c. Please direct all your future queries to the fine agents at William Morris
Monday, July 19, 2010
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Results of this week's contest!
This weekend's writing contest words had a theme. One person got it: Cynthia Reese (1:44pm)
The connection was indeed Oregon:
Bacon: for Bill Cameron, Oregon writer, client o'mine and devoted bacon lover
Resistance: the title of a Ken Kesey (Oregon writer) novel
Simpson: Homer, Bart et al is the brainchild of Matt Groening, who is from Oregon
Fenske: Tawna Fenske, Oregon writer, keeper of the hilarious and helpful blog Don't Pet Me, I'm Writing
Reed: John Reed, one of the two Americans buried in the Kremlin, was from Oregon (Reed College is not named for his family)
Some of you came up with some images that were pretty horrifying:
Resistance to bacon! (Bohemienne 11:52 am)
Dead Kittens (Carl Svernlov 12:39pm)
Maple bacon bar theft! (Laurie Lamb 6:57am)
It's always a good entry when there is a cameo by Jack Reacher
(Joanq6 12:49pm)
Some of you used the contest words in (correct!) ways I hadn't considered when I picked them:
"Francis Bacon Society" (Rick 1:21pm)
"Walter Reed" (Rick 1:21pm)
"Fenske equation" (Qraig 1:26pm) (William 2:08pm) (Mama Bear 4:52pm)
"Reed College" (Cynthia Reese 1:44pm)
"Resistance training" (D.A. Confidential 3:36pm)
The lines that made me spew coffee:
“Last time I threw a boomerang at the ghost. I knew it would come back to haunt me.”
(Daryl Sedore 5:02pm)
These entries weren't quite complete stories but they were a lot of fun:
Lucy Woodhull (6:52pm)
Melon (9:28pm)
Joelle (9:31pm)
Khamaileon (12:12am)
Dylan (2:08pm)
Never2Late (3:14pm)
Melissa Guernsey (7:31pm)
Lisa (11:47pm)
These entries made the short list:
Thomas (1:18pm)
Rebecca T. Little (4:35pm)
Christwriter (5:53pm)
MarissaV (8:03pm)
Simon Hay Soul Healer (8:50pm)
Stella (1:59am)
Melissa Haworth (2:22am)
Abogosh (3:04am)
Catcaller (1:52pm)
In a very close race, and one that had me re-read all the finalists twice more, the winner of this week's contest, and thus copies of THE GHOSTS OF BELFAST and COLLUSION is:
Nate Wilson (10:04pm)
(who made me very very happy cause he has his contact email listed on his blog)
The connection was indeed Oregon:
Bacon: for Bill Cameron, Oregon writer, client o'mine and devoted bacon lover
Resistance: the title of a Ken Kesey (Oregon writer) novel
Simpson: Homer, Bart et al is the brainchild of Matt Groening, who is from Oregon
Fenske: Tawna Fenske, Oregon writer, keeper of the hilarious and helpful blog Don't Pet Me, I'm Writing
Reed: John Reed, one of the two Americans buried in the Kremlin, was from Oregon (Reed College is not named for his family)
Some of you came up with some images that were pretty horrifying:
Resistance to bacon! (Bohemienne 11:52 am)
Dead Kittens (Carl Svernlov 12:39pm)
Maple bacon bar theft! (Laurie Lamb 6:57am)
It's always a good entry when there is a cameo by Jack Reacher
(Joanq6 12:49pm)
Some of you used the contest words in (correct!) ways I hadn't considered when I picked them:
"Francis Bacon Society" (Rick 1:21pm)
"Walter Reed" (Rick 1:21pm)
"Fenske equation" (Qraig 1:26pm) (William 2:08pm) (Mama Bear 4:52pm)
"Reed College" (Cynthia Reese 1:44pm)
"Resistance training" (D.A. Confidential 3:36pm)
The lines that made me spew coffee:
“Last time I threw a boomerang at the ghost. I knew it would come back to haunt me.”
(Daryl Sedore 5:02pm)
These entries weren't quite complete stories but they were a lot of fun:
Lucy Woodhull (6:52pm)
Melon (9:28pm)
Joelle (9:31pm)
Khamaileon (12:12am)
Dylan (2:08pm)
Never2Late (3:14pm)
Melissa Guernsey (7:31pm)
Lisa (11:47pm)
These entries made the short list:
Thomas (1:18pm)
Rebecca T. Little (4:35pm)
Christwriter (5:53pm)
MarissaV (8:03pm)
Simon Hay Soul Healer (8:50pm)
Stella (1:59am)
Melissa Haworth (2:22am)
Abogosh (3:04am)
Catcaller (1:52pm)
In a very close race, and one that had me re-read all the finalists twice more, the winner of this week's contest, and thus copies of THE GHOSTS OF BELFAST and COLLUSION is:
Nate Wilson (10:04pm)
(who made me very very happy cause he has his contact email listed on his blog)
“I don’t want to marry the simpson.”
“Of course you do, Gwyn. And enunciate; you’ll soon be a noble. It’s two words: simp’s son.”
“No. I don’t care if he’s a fenske—ow!”
Her father’s fingers were reed-thin, but his grip was firm. “Not fenskeeper. Keeper of the Fens. Show some respect. He protects our marshlands. Our home. Remember what I always say.”
“Bacon makes everything better?”
“Not that. The other one.”
Gwyn groaned. “Resistance is feudal.”
“Exactly. Serfs may rebel against that simp of a lord, but we’re above that. Here, have some bacon, and let’s get you hitched.”
Writing contest: special recognition
This weekend's writing contest produced an entry that delighted me. It's not quite a story, it doesn't quite use the words, it breaks every rule in the contest... and it's glorious. It's a perfect example of "you can break every rule in the book if you do it well enough." This is exactly the kind of writer I keep my eyeball on.
Jdh 6:02pm:
A howl in the air, resistance of wind as split by marsh’s shrieking reed,
enough to deafen skeptic ear and cause the cynic to believe.
Crashing cymbals of tombac on, on and after ozone flash
that lights the dance of evil’s imps on barrow that is home and cache.
For my soul, I had never gone, forgotten object to retrieve
the night that reason itself died, and Pan renewed his ancient creed.
JDH if you'll email me (and endure my wrath for NOT having your email listed on your blog or your bio) I'll send you a book of your choosing.
Jdh 6:02pm:
A howl in the air, resistance of wind as split by marsh’s shrieking reed,
enough to deafen skeptic ear and cause the cynic to believe.
Crashing cymbals of tombac on, on and after ozone flash
that lights the dance of evil’s imps on barrow that is home and cache.
For my soul, I had never gone, forgotten object to retrieve
the night that reason itself died, and Pan renewed his ancient creed.
JDH if you'll email me (and endure my wrath for NOT having your email listed on your blog or your bio) I'll send you a book of your choosing.
Friday, July 16, 2010
This week's writing contest!
I have a really good prize for this week's writing contest: THE GHOSTS OF BELFAST and! and!! and!!! COLLUSION by Stuart Neville.
These books are on my sox knocker list. Stuart Neville is as talented a writer as any reader can hope for, and he's published by my beloved Soho Press.
So, here's the contest: Write a story, using 100 or fewer words. Post in the comment column of this blog post. Contest closes at midnight Saturday (ie 36 hours from the date stamp of this post)
Use these words in your story AND receive bonus points if you correctly identify the theme of the word list:
Bacon
Resistance
Simpson
Fenske
Reed
These books are on my sox knocker list. Stuart Neville is as talented a writer as any reader can hope for, and he's published by my beloved Soho Press.
So, here's the contest: Write a story, using 100 or fewer words. Post in the comment column of this blog post. Contest closes at midnight Saturday (ie 36 hours from the date stamp of this post)
Use these words in your story AND receive bonus points if you correctly identify the theme of the word list:
Bacon
Resistance
Simpson
Fenske
Reed
Peering over the fence
I'm always interested in query tallies from other agents, so I read Jessica Faust's post here with interest.
I've noticed several respected colleagues are closing their queries in August: Jessica, Rachelle Gardner, Holly Root.
I've resisted doing that but these three are very serious, very successful agents, and I pay attention to what they do.
I'm interested to hear what you think. I guess the default reaction is no you don't like it, but if you could give me the next ten words or so about WHY, I'd be interested in hearing from you.
I've noticed several respected colleagues are closing their queries in August: Jessica, Rachelle Gardner, Holly Root.
I've resisted doing that but these three are very serious, very successful agents, and I pay attention to what they do.
I'm interested to hear what you think. I guess the default reaction is no you don't like it, but if you could give me the next ten words or so about WHY, I'd be interested in hearing from you.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
NUMB ... blurbed by ... Thomas Pynchon???
You'll want to click this link to see the full story of how Sean Ferrell, author of NUMB, asked to be blurbed by Thomas Pynchon.
Which is no surprise of course, since Paul Auster is also on the list.
Which is no surprise of course, since Paul Auster is also on the list.
New Query Requirements
Heck with email, all queries must now be audio, and sent by Batman. Here's the template
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
We get the summer off? Sign me UP!
"It's summer, and publishers take the summer off, starting about April 15 and resuming shortly after Labor Day" The article goes on here.
This reminded me of a segment from one of my client's novels about how athletic trainers "get summers off":
“That job of yours doesn’t leave much time for anything.”
I shrugged. “I have summers off.”
“Uh-huh. Summer starts when?”
“Early June.”
“And you go back to work when?”
“First of August, to get ready for fall sports. Practices start around the tenth.”
“So, two months completely off.”
“Except for summer camps.”
Clint held up a hand and ticked off points on his fingers. “That’d be what? A week each of men’s and women’s basketball camp, a week of football camp. What am I missing?”
“Volleyball usually runs a three day camp.” I frowned at him. “And you care about this why?”
“Just establishing that at least one person made a worse career choice than me.”
“You have a career?
I gotta figure out how to find one of those publishing jobs that gets summers off. The only one I can think of is mitten salesman.
(via ShelfAwareness this morning)
This reminded me of a segment from one of my client's novels about how athletic trainers "get summers off":
“That job of yours doesn’t leave much time for anything.”
I shrugged. “I have summers off.”
“Uh-huh. Summer starts when?”
“Early June.”
“And you go back to work when?”
“First of August, to get ready for fall sports. Practices start around the tenth.”
“So, two months completely off.”
“Except for summer camps.”
Clint held up a hand and ticked off points on his fingers. “That’d be what? A week each of men’s and women’s basketball camp, a week of football camp. What am I missing?”
“Volleyball usually runs a three day camp.” I frowned at him. “And you care about this why?”
“Just establishing that at least one person made a worse career choice than me.”
“You have a career?
I gotta figure out how to find one of those publishing jobs that gets summers off. The only one I can think of is mitten salesman.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Why I don't work retail, and why retail clerks should be canonized
From Shelf Awareness this morning:
When Cynthia Christensen, owner of Book Stop, Hood River, Ore., had pneumonia and laryngitis, her original solution for working at the store was to put up a sign that said, "I have laryngitis and can't talk at all. However, I know several useful hand gestures. Not all of them are rude." But this didn't work because people asked so many open-ended questions. Her doctor then forbade her to go to work until her voice returned.
So for two weeks, her husband, Charlie, who usually works in an ER, stepped in and replaced her in the store. He kept notes in a journal of interactions with customers (and non-customers!), which came to form what he calls "a simultaneous rant and ode to the trade." Cynthia noted that Charlie now has "a much greater appreciation for what I do, and belligerent drunks in his ER don't annoy him as much as they did before."
Here's the link to the story
When Cynthia Christensen, owner of Book Stop, Hood River, Ore., had pneumonia and laryngitis, her original solution for working at the store was to put up a sign that said, "I have laryngitis and can't talk at all. However, I know several useful hand gestures. Not all of them are rude." But this didn't work because people asked so many open-ended questions. Her doctor then forbade her to go to work until her voice returned.
So for two weeks, her husband, Charlie, who usually works in an ER, stepped in and replaced her in the store. He kept notes in a journal of interactions with customers (and non-customers!), which came to form what he calls "a simultaneous rant and ode to the trade." Cynthia noted that Charlie now has "a much greater appreciation for what I do, and belligerent drunks in his ER don't annoy him as much as they did before."
Here's the link to the story
Monday, July 12, 2010
The Challenge results!
No one got all four right which surprised me a LOT!
Five of you got one right:
AnswerGirl, Sarah Askew WINTER'S BONE;
Dylan, Katt, LTM, Ryan BRAINS
Nine of you got two right:
Laurie Lamb, Lori, Elisabeth Black, Marissa V, The Amateur Book Blogger (BRAINS and WINTER'S BONE)
M. Rose, John, Laura (BRAINS and LOSING MY COOL)
Stephanie (BRAINS and ALTHOUGH OF COURSE YOU END UP BECOMING YOURSELF)
Four of you got three right:
Wanda, Alyson Greene (BRAINS; WINTER'S BONE; ALTHOUGH OF COURSE YOU END UP BECOMING YOURSELF)
The Celebrated Author, Marjorie (WINTER'S BONE; BRAINS; LOSING MY COOL)
Because the challenge was for the FIRST person to get them right, the winner of a nice shiny new copy of BRAINS is Wanda (her comment is earliest of the four who got the most right) Wanda, if you'll email me your address we'll get that in the mail to you.
The correct answers are:
I've read and loved BRAINS and WINTER'S BONE
I ordered: LOSING MY COOL and ALTHOUGH OF COURSE YOU END UP BECOMING YOURSELF
Just to allay any suspicions of sinister dealings here's the screen shot of the Amazon order:
Five of you got one right:
AnswerGirl, Sarah Askew WINTER'S BONE;
Dylan, Katt, LTM, Ryan BRAINS
Nine of you got two right:
Laurie Lamb, Lori, Elisabeth Black, Marissa V, The Amateur Book Blogger (BRAINS and WINTER'S BONE)
M. Rose, John, Laura (BRAINS and LOSING MY COOL)
Stephanie (BRAINS and ALTHOUGH OF COURSE YOU END UP BECOMING YOURSELF)
Four of you got three right:
Wanda, Alyson Greene (BRAINS; WINTER'S BONE; ALTHOUGH OF COURSE YOU END UP BECOMING YOURSELF)
The Celebrated Author, Marjorie (WINTER'S BONE; BRAINS; LOSING MY COOL)
Because the challenge was for the FIRST person to get them right, the winner of a nice shiny new copy of BRAINS is Wanda (her comment is earliest of the four who got the most right) Wanda, if you'll email me your address we'll get that in the mail to you.
The correct answers are:
I've read and loved BRAINS and WINTER'S BONE
I ordered: LOSING MY COOL and ALTHOUGH OF COURSE YOU END UP BECOMING YOURSELF
Just to allay any suspicions of sinister dealings here's the screen shot of the Amazon order:
Saturday, July 10, 2010
A challenge for you!--CLOSES 11:59pm SUNDAY 7/11
The Oxford American editors (and interns!) pick favorite summer reads. Of course I was delighted to see Robin Becker's BRAINS on the list.
After I read the entire list I immediately ordered two books.
Here's the challenge:
1. Which books on the Oxford American list had I already read and loved?
2. Which books on the Oxford American list did I order?
First person to get all the answers right wins a copy of Robin Becker's "Intelligent, absurd, hilarious, and irreverent" BRAINS.
Contest opens now.
One entry per person.
Write your entry in the comments column.
Comments are moderated so you won't see your entry instantly.
After I read the entire list I immediately ordered two books.
Here's the challenge:
1. Which books on the Oxford American list had I already read and loved?
2. Which books on the Oxford American list did I order?
First person to get all the answers right wins a copy of Robin Becker's "Intelligent, absurd, hilarious, and irreverent" BRAINS.
Contest opens now.
One entry per person.
Write your entry in the comments column.
Comments are moderated so you won't see your entry instantly.
Thursday, July 08, 2010
That new Twilight movie...with catz
This made me laugh so hard I had to put down the coffee...and I've never read Twilight or seen the movie.
Wednesday, July 07, 2010
Monday, July 05, 2010
This stunned me
I've been in and around water my entire life; years on swim teams, splashing in three oceans, countless lakes, and many rivers.
This article about drowning floored me. Please read it. Please remember it.
This article about drowning floored me. Please read it. Please remember it.
Sunday, July 04, 2010
And we have a winner!
Reading these contest entries is a real guilty pleasure. Guilty because of course I should be reading your queries, but I'm not!
A lot of you had fun with what razzmatazz meant:
Lipstick (Amy 1:44pm)
Band name (Leslie 1:50)
danish! (Qraig 2:27pm)
White lightning! (MarissaV 3:10pm)
Hair color (Karin 4:55pm)
There were some hilarious uses of double agent:
A football double agent! (Joan 7:13pm)
A toddler double agent! (Erin 2:29pm)
There were some really great lines:
you look like RaggedyAnn: The Prostitute Years.” (Erin Kelly 2:28pm)
"You have to cut down on the coffee. Your hair is vibrating." (Lyra 1:01am)
"Sorry, dollface. I already promised your stuffing to Geppetto." (Dawn Simon 1:46am)
My tongue flickers. The air tastes like terror. I unhinge my jaw. (Maybe genius 4:30pm)
No contest is complete without an homage to FinePrint of course!
Katt 5:20pm
And no contest should be complete without an homage to Suzie Townsend
Catherine 7:36pm
My new favorite description of myself:
Tasmanian devil! (Myimaginaryblog 6:02pm)
These were horrifyingly hilarious
Dave 11:07am
The Precinct House Squad 4:40pm
There were some terrific entries that did get stories in 100 words:
Fanfreakingtastic Flower 8:02pm
Melissa Guernsey 1:32am
Themarie 7:38pm
Erin 2:29pm
Cat 3:20pm (shotgun or seam ripper!)
Tessa Quin 3:26pm
[soccerboy] 3:51pm
Mama Bear 4:03pm
Arbyn 7:06pm
Justwritecat 9:04pm
Cruella Collett 8:27am
Hilary 10:16am
Nancy Coffelt 11:06am
And here are the finalists:
Catcaller 5:02pm
"I'll never forgive Barbie!" cried Raggedy Ann, spilling coffee as the rest of the toys looked on. "Turned on that razzmatazz and stole my Andy."
"Now what?" asked T-Rex.
Rags zeroed in on Ken, re-decorating the Dream House. "You!"
Ken put the chaise down, shaking his head, “Keep her bony butt in Jersey, this is all mine now."
“It can be yours forever."
Ken straightened his ascot. "What did you have in mind?"
Rags grinned, "Pose as a double agent and convince her to come home.” She brandished a knife, "so I can get rid of that cheatin’ bitch for good."
Terri Coop 12:25pm
“Razzmatazz.”
“What?”
“The password is razzmatazz.”
“No it’s not. That’s yesterday’s password.”
“Crud. Can I borrow your codebook?”
Standing, I’d had enough.
“Sit down! Both of you, now,” I said.
“Okay class, what’s wrong with that?” I asked the group.
“Um, he didn’t know today’s code is RaggedyAnn?”
“The other guy didn’t shoot him for not knowing the code?”
I sighed. Recruiting double agents had gotten tougher since the end of the Cold War.
Sipping my coffee, I thought about how far I had fallen. Once the toast of the KGB, I now taught at the “Jersey School for Spies.”
Derek Whisman 3:49pm
The smell greeted me first in the kitchen. Something about the bra in the sink told me that it wasn't just coffee that was brewing.
"You raggedy--"
"Ann!" Mat screamed. He struggled to pull up his pants.
"You're home early," he tried to apologize as if that somehow excused it. Like my early day was to blame for him being a marital double agent with busty Jersey Miller from two houses down.
“You may want to get your bra, Jersey,” I pulled a rolling pin from a nearby drawer. “If you'll excuse us, I have to razz Mat azz.”
You can see from these three that it wasn't an easy decision.
By a whisker, the winner of the contest is Catcaller. Send me your mailing address and a copy of CONFESSIONS OF A FORMER CHILD will be winging its way to you soon!
Thanks to everyone who entered! This was fun!
A lot of you had fun with what razzmatazz meant:
Lipstick (Amy 1:44pm)
Band name (Leslie 1:50)
danish! (Qraig 2:27pm)
White lightning! (MarissaV 3:10pm)
Hair color (Karin 4:55pm)
There were some hilarious uses of double agent:
A football double agent! (Joan 7:13pm)
A toddler double agent! (Erin 2:29pm)
There were some really great lines:
you look like RaggedyAnn: The Prostitute Years.” (Erin Kelly 2:28pm)
"You have to cut down on the coffee. Your hair is vibrating." (Lyra 1:01am)
"Sorry, dollface. I already promised your stuffing to Geppetto." (Dawn Simon 1:46am)
My tongue flickers. The air tastes like terror. I unhinge my jaw. (Maybe genius 4:30pm)
No contest is complete without an homage to FinePrint of course!
Katt 5:20pm
And no contest should be complete without an homage to Suzie Townsend
Catherine 7:36pm
My new favorite description of myself:
Tasmanian devil! (Myimaginaryblog 6:02pm)
These were horrifyingly hilarious
Dave 11:07am
The Precinct House Squad 4:40pm
There were some terrific entries that did get stories in 100 words:
Fanfreakingtastic Flower 8:02pm
Melissa Guernsey 1:32am
Themarie 7:38pm
Erin 2:29pm
Cat 3:20pm (shotgun or seam ripper!)
Tessa Quin 3:26pm
[soccerboy] 3:51pm
Mama Bear 4:03pm
Arbyn 7:06pm
Justwritecat 9:04pm
Cruella Collett 8:27am
Hilary 10:16am
Nancy Coffelt 11:06am
And here are the finalists:
Catcaller 5:02pm
"I'll never forgive Barbie!" cried Raggedy Ann, spilling coffee as the rest of the toys looked on. "Turned on that razzmatazz and stole my Andy."
"Now what?" asked T-Rex.
Rags zeroed in on Ken, re-decorating the Dream House. "You!"
Ken put the chaise down, shaking his head, “Keep her bony butt in Jersey, this is all mine now."
“It can be yours forever."
Ken straightened his ascot. "What did you have in mind?"
Rags grinned, "Pose as a double agent and convince her to come home.” She brandished a knife, "so I can get rid of that cheatin’ bitch for good."
Terri Coop 12:25pm
“Razzmatazz.”
“What?”
“The password is razzmatazz.”
“No it’s not. That’s yesterday’s password.”
“Crud. Can I borrow your codebook?”
Standing, I’d had enough.
“Sit down! Both of you, now,” I said.
“Okay class, what’s wrong with that?” I asked the group.
“Um, he didn’t know today’s code is RaggedyAnn?”
“The other guy didn’t shoot him for not knowing the code?”
I sighed. Recruiting double agents had gotten tougher since the end of the Cold War.
Sipping my coffee, I thought about how far I had fallen. Once the toast of the KGB, I now taught at the “Jersey School for Spies.”
Derek Whisman 3:49pm
The smell greeted me first in the kitchen. Something about the bra in the sink told me that it wasn't just coffee that was brewing.
"You raggedy--"
"Ann!" Mat screamed. He struggled to pull up his pants.
"You're home early," he tried to apologize as if that somehow excused it. Like my early day was to blame for him being a marital double agent with busty Jersey Miller from two houses down.
“You may want to get your bra, Jersey,” I pulled a rolling pin from a nearby drawer. “If you'll excuse us, I have to razz Mat azz.”
You can see from these three that it wasn't an easy decision.
By a whisker, the winner of the contest is Catcaller. Send me your mailing address and a copy of CONFESSIONS OF A FORMER CHILD will be winging its way to you soon!
Thanks to everyone who entered! This was fun!
Friday, July 02, 2010
Writing Contest!
Let other people celebrate the 4th with a bbq or fireworks! We'll celebrate with a writing contest!
I have a copy of CONFESSIONS OF A FORMER CHILD, a hilarious and poignant collection of observational essays by the very talented Dan Tomasulo as a prize. Need further enticement?
Here's an excerpt:
My father was a spy, a double agent for the CIA and the FBI. To conceal his identity from foreign agents he worked as an electrician for Lever Brothers Soap Company.
He had all kinds of neat tools and gadgets that he said were electrician gear, but I knew they were for defusing bombs, hot-wiring cars, and planting wire taps. This was an excellent disguise for a man of his skill and talent.
He never talked about it. We never spoke about his missions, but I am sure he was in demand all over the world.
When he was on an assignment, the secret code he would give to Mom was that he was working a double. That meant that he would go into work at eight o’clock in the morning, work eight hours, then stay there for another eight hours and come home at midnight.
The cover story was that this would double the amount of time he was going to work at the soap factory. What it really meant was that he was a double agent.
He was probably going to protect a foreign ambassador, or maybe steal some secret documents. He might even have to stop an assassin from killing the president.
I love this book a lot! I think you will too. To get your mitts on a copy, enter the contest:
Tell a story in fewer than 1o1 words.
Use these words:
RaggedyAnn
double agent
Jersey
coffee
razzmatazz
Post your entry into the comments section of this blog.
Contest starts now, and runs to midnight on Saturday July 3; 35 hours from now.
Go!
I have a copy of CONFESSIONS OF A FORMER CHILD, a hilarious and poignant collection of observational essays by the very talented Dan Tomasulo as a prize. Need further enticement?
Here's an excerpt:
My father was a spy, a double agent for the CIA and the FBI. To conceal his identity from foreign agents he worked as an electrician for Lever Brothers Soap Company.
He had all kinds of neat tools and gadgets that he said were electrician gear, but I knew they were for defusing bombs, hot-wiring cars, and planting wire taps. This was an excellent disguise for a man of his skill and talent.
He never talked about it. We never spoke about his missions, but I am sure he was in demand all over the world.
When he was on an assignment, the secret code he would give to Mom was that he was working a double. That meant that he would go into work at eight o’clock in the morning, work eight hours, then stay there for another eight hours and come home at midnight.
The cover story was that this would double the amount of time he was going to work at the soap factory. What it really meant was that he was a double agent.
He was probably going to protect a foreign ambassador, or maybe steal some secret documents. He might even have to stop an assassin from killing the president.
I love this book a lot! I think you will too. To get your mitts on a copy, enter the contest:
Tell a story in fewer than 1o1 words.
Use these words:
RaggedyAnn
double agent
Jersey
coffee
razzmatazz
Post your entry into the comments section of this blog.
Contest starts now, and runs to midnight on Saturday July 3; 35 hours from now.
Go!
Thursday, July 01, 2010
Rats!
This newsletter item today might just be Item of the Decade:
2. CASTING RATS FOR A SHORT FILM I'm in need for three to four rats for a short film project. We'll just need them for one day of shooting probably late July or early August. If you have any or know anyone who has some cute rats who'd like some time in front of the camera, please let me know.
Since this is New York City, there are lots of rats but I'm not sure they're actually on the web. And truthfully, I'm not so sure about the cute part either. More like Templeton
2. CASTING RATS FOR A SHORT FILM I'm in need for three to four rats for a short film project. We'll just need them for one day of shooting probably late July or early August. If you have any or know anyone who has some cute rats who'd like some time in front of the camera, please let me know.
Since this is New York City, there are lots of rats but I'm not sure they're actually on the web. And truthfully, I'm not so sure about the cute part either. More like Templeton
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