This looks like FUN

A great write up on WITHOUT A PADDLE by Warren Richey (aka Sharkchow) from fellow racer SandyBottom

It includes comments from other racers like this:

“This might be the best report of a paddling adventure ever.

Sharkchow has captured perfectly the ongoing struggle between the illusion of fear in our minds and the reality of our human quest to overcome it.

Thanks Warren for opening up the most personal aspects of your life to us! Your story has added a new level to this life changing adventure we simply call a "Challenge". ”

MaitouCruiser

It's just one email!

Yesterday I sent one email to our contract review specialist to check on the status of a contract. In due course she replied to me. (Tally: 2 emails)

I forward her email to our contracts management coordinator (1 email); to the heads of the company to keep them in the loop (2 emails)

I update the client (1 email); and the editor (1 email)

One quick question: 7 emails.

Add in "update the checklist" and that one little email took about three minutes. Now multiply by one hundred. Each day. Every day.



That is the warp and weft of this business. There are days all I do is make sure everyone has all the same information and answer questions about status.

I don't think this is unique to publishing.

I offer this up only so you can see the illustration of why I'm so crazed on the subject of not sending me email replying to form rejections etc.

Snookums, no problemo; Agent Snookums not so much

Prompted by a post over at Nathan Bransford (yes, I had to double check the spelling!)

I too don't give a rat's ass what you call me in a query. I know other agents DO get hot under the collar about salutations so it's probably one of the things you want to get right.

What's universally wrong is Agent Snookums.

This is a usage that has crept into the lexicon and I'd like to take aim with my blunderbuss and wipe it out post haste.

Agent is my job. It's not my title. My title is Queen of the Known Universe and Don't You Forget it Bubbelah, but you can just call me Snookums.

Dear Agent Reid, Dear Agent Janet, and worst Dear Agent, are wrong. As in not right.

Dear Miss Reid, Dear Ms. Reid, Dear Mr Reid, I don't really care. Dear Mrs Reid creeps me out but I can live with it.

None of these kinds of mistakes mean I stop reading your query. But, if you like to get things right, this is one of the places to pay attention.

do you need Personal Demons? yes you DO

And you have a chance to win an ARC of PERSONAL DEMONS by the ferociously talented Lisa Desrochers, agented by the fiercely talented Suzie Townsend.

All you have to do is enter the writing contest. It's only 100 words! Are you demon enough to try?


(Contest ends at midnight June 30 so get going!)

Take a bite!

"Smart, original, funny and fascinating, BRAINS: A Zombie Memoir by Robin Becker sends the zombie genre shambling in a fresh, new direction. Go on, take a bite."

-Jonathan Maberry,
NY Times bestselling author of
PATIENT ZERO and ROT & RUIN

Don't query if you're dead

There's a small but growing segment of my incoming queries that might be thought of as zombie queries, but the writers aren't un-dead; they're just dead.

Sadly, writers sometimes pass away before they see their work published. Their loved ones are moved to follow up, often to honor their loved one's memory. I understand their motivation and I wish I didn't have to disappoint them.

It's harder to get published when you're dead. That's just a cold hard (sorry) fact.

For starters: you're not here to do the editing or revising. You're not here to do the promotions. And more important, you're not here to write/edit/revise/promote the next book.

For friends and families who want to see their loved ones published, I think this is a good match with some of the more reputable places that will help you publish a book on your own. Print on demand technology makes it affordable too.

Someone is sure to point out that John Kennedy Toole and CONFEDERACY OF DUNCES was published posthumously. Yes there are exceptions, of course, but please let's all remember that book was published decades ago, by a university press and long before trade publishing became the mercantile meat wagon it is today.

Someone is also sure to point out that VC Andrews has had a very nice career, post life, but the first books were published pre-death, so again, that is an exception.

I always feel bad sending form rejections on these queries, it's not anywhere near as much fun as kicking kittens, but there's not much else to do.

700,000 Facebook fans--just what an author dreams of!

Gregory Levey's post at The Nervous Breakdown about his 700,000 Facebook fans cracked me up.

Couldn't have said it better myself, Bob!

Brains: A Zombie Memoir by Robin Becker

"This is a thinking man's zombie novel, filled with more literary and pop culture allusions than you can shake a dismembered arm at. All the zombie fun and only half the guilt, but plenty of guilty pleasure!"--Bob Brill, Horizon Books, Petoskey, Mich.

One of the many reasons to ♥ Hannah Moskowitz

can be found on her blog post here.

Read it.

There will be a quiz!

Would you please quit assuming stuff already?

I'm attending a wonderful writing conference this weekend at Seton Hill. It's for the alums of the Seton Hill writing program, and they are a terrific bunch of talented and genuinely nice people. I hardly know what to do with myself...there's nothing to yell about.

In the course of pitch sessions today, I met a lovely and talented woman who told me about a book I was eager salivating to get my paws on. As I entered her deets on my data base, she mentioned, a bit timidly, that two other agents had the manuscripts.

Snarl! Foiled in my quest to grab The Next Big Thing.

Well, said I, who are these evil usurpers?

She named names.

Fortunately I knew them both. Quite well.
I fired off an email saying "I hope you haven't read this cause I'm about to scoop her out from under your slacker noses, ha!"

In short order I heard back from both. They did not HAVE the manuscripts, but remembered both the writer and the ms quite well. They had never received the fulls the writer had sent.

I fixed my evil eye and formidable fin on the writer. Had she followed up? Confirmed receipt? Asked what was going on in Slackerville after 90 days?

Well no, no she had not. She was hesitant to do so. She thought that no response meant no.

Glory hallelujah, my lucky day! I now have what's essentially an exclusive on a darn good manuscript. '


But honest to helvetica Author Friends, DO NOT DO THIS.

If you send a requested partial or full DO FOLLOW UP if you don't hear back.

Yes some agents are real slackers and don't reply. A pox on their noses and their coffers.

But other agents, like my pals, would have LEAPED to the mailbox and said "holy moly I don't have it, please send."

After the query stage never EVER assume no response means no.

And this is another reason that agents who practice the less than polite, and really shortsighted method of query response "no reply means no" are shooting themselves in the foot.

Now, I'm off to read and chortling the entire way!

And we have a winner!

A terrific turn out for the writing contest and a lot of amazing entries!


Two entries had GREAT use of "lair"
Mesmerix (9:52am)
Downith (4:04pm)

One entry was the very model of brevity
Katt (8:15pm)

Two entries combined the contests!
Buffy Andrews (10:05am)
Paul C. Maurer (10:17pm)




One entry is narrative NON fiction!
Joanne Levy (11:32am)

Best use of Slevin the Oregeno
Rick Anderson

Holy moly, talk about a guy I want to hear more from..I think!:
Simon Hay Soul Healer (3:00am)



Finally someone sees the true nature of Barbara Poelle
Shtrum (7:58pm)

A phrase we need to hear MUCH more of:
"I think I'll go learn me some accordion" Nancy Coffelt (8:12pm)


The best examples of stories in under 100 words
Justwritecat (8:34pm)
MarissavV (9:35pm)
WryWryter (9:11am)

Joanne (11:02am)
Alyson Greene (1:27pm)
Neospooky (1:52pm)

Marsha Sigman (4:06pm)
K (7:39pm)


And the winner of the contest is a jaw dropping gorgeous entry that used the required words with freshness and originality. This might be the best quick writing contest entry I've ever seen.

Herewith:

Naomi slapped the cash register, which wheezed. "Turn on the 'Closed' sign. We've suffered Till Death."

"Us?"

"Do part with that phone, Kendra? I know it's your buddy, but I need to call Laird."

"That register's new!"

"Even shiny things shuffle off this mortal coil. C'mon."

Kendra passed the phone.

"Closed sign?"

Kendra's sneakers tramped a tattoo of annoyance.

The phone clicked. "Hello! Lair--"

"It's dead."

"Asthma again? Did you try the epi-kit?"

"Epic--what?"

He sighed. "Adrenaline. The heart might reboot."

Naomi stared at the till. "Lord, I miss cogs and wheels."

The phone snickered and smooched her.


Congratualtions to Jjdebenedictis (5:41pm), our winner. Send me your mailing address and I'll be glad to send you the 10CD unabridged audio editon of EVEN. Your entry rocked!

That was fun, wasn't it! Let's do it again: EVEN writing contest

We had so much fun with all the entries for the last contest that we figured, let's do this again!

So, in honor of the recent publication of Andrew Grant's riveting second thriller DIE TWICE, let's have a contest!

The prize will be the 10 CD unabridged audio for the first book EVEN.



Write story, one hundred words or fewer, using these words:

Even
Tramp
Shuffle
Lair
Epic

bonus points if you can include this phrase: "Till death us do part."


Contest opens NOW, and runs through midnight Thursday (ie 36 hours). Post your entry in the comments section.

CRASHERS contest-We have a winner!

We learned some interesting things about Keith Kahla
he's a cyclist (Anderson)
he's the dreamiest (Buffy Andrews)
he's a contestant on Literary Chef (Lara Zielin)

These lines just cracked me up
"Criminal, the way Keith Kahla, Editor to the Stars, flaunted his textuality." (Mattew Masuccii)

"Oregano have another round" (Mama Bear)

"Slevin Brides for Slevin Brothers" (Paul C. Maurer)

“Lucky for me I’m fungi-free,” I said as I skimmed a manuscript." (Paul C. Maurer 10:08)

Some of you thought Slevin was a:
horse (Kari Lynn Dell) and (Katt)
food (Jake)
dog ( Latoya Alloway)

chef (Melissa Emerald)
insect (KO)
goon (Vincent Kale)

steel beam (Rick Anderson)
wild creature (Nate Wilson 9:27)

bodega (Adamo)
cat (Josin L McQuein)
card shark's move (Nancy Coffelt)

Rick Anderson's entry had brilliant twists on word usage:

Keith sat on Slevin steel beam number 187 looking at the Oregano Sissies occupying the office built by him and union brother Kahla Editor. ”To the Stars, with you all” he thought, aiming his Crash rivet gun for one lucky shot.

Crash Kahla, self-appointed Editor to the Stars, noticed Keith. “That guy” he said to the small number lucky enough to be in his presence, “will never taste an Oregano Slevin, or buy an original Keith …”

Crash Kahla’s brain grew “number” as it turned to oregano when Keith’s lucky shot of Slevin steel sent the editor to the stars.

You'll recall the contest asked for a story. A lot of you did pretty well with only 100 words!
Kari Lynn Dell
Cole Howard
Bill Kirton

JustWriteCat
Lynne Dempsey
Nancy Coffelt

Paul C. Maurer (10:08pm)
Laurie Lamb (If Suzie Townsend was judging this would have been high on her list too!)


In the end there were two entries that really stood out, and I had to read them both several more times before deciding:

Kat Zhang's entry:

Day number 476.

I’m lucky the lamp didn’t crash into my face; a bruised face is hardest to hide.

The kitchen smells of the oregano I’d chopped before Steven came home screaming.

I force myself up and head for Mattie’s room—I have to leave.

Mattie smiles as I lift him from his cradle.

“Slevin,” he says. He hasn’t quite got the hang of words yet.

“Shh,” I say, his tiny chin resting on my shoulder.

“Slevin,” he says again, reaching for something behind my back.

I freeze.

“Slevin,” Mattie says.

I whirl around. “Steven!”

But it’s too late.

JDH's 4:47 entry

“I just don’t understand the advice I got from the Query Shark,” the author complained. “I mean ‘Slevin Your Oregano’? What is it? Some kind of coded message?”

“It’s an anagram, although an unintended one,” Keith Kahla, Editor to the stars, replied. “Janet’s computer suffered quite a crash. It did a real number on the Query Shark. The shark is lucky to have survived, albeit with British spellings.”

Keith smiled at the befuddled author. “What the shark is telling you is that now you have a shark-approved letter, you must take time to ‘Organise Your Novel’ with the same care.”

In a VERY close competition, the winner of the CRASHERS audio set is Kat Zhang. Kat, if you'll send me your mailing address, we'll send you the CDs! Congratulations!

This really was a lot of fun! Thanks to all of you who entered!

CRASHERS contest!--CLOSED

I've got a beautiful new AUDIO edition of CRASHERS to give away. CRASHERS comes out tomorrow, and while you could read it yourself, you could also lie back in your hammock, plug in your ipod and have it read to you (peeled grapes not included.)

So, the contest:

Write a story, in 100 words or fewer, using the following words:

Lucky
Crash
Number
Oregano
Slevin


Bonus points if you can seamlessly incorporate:
Keith Kahla, Editor to the stars


Contest starts NOW (noon Monday) and runs through midnight Tuesday (ie 36 hours).

Post your entry in the comments column. Post as many as you like.


Prize is the unabridged, 10 CD audio edition of CRASHERS by Dana Haynes.

CONTEST NOW CLOSED. Winners to be announced in due course!

You're making me CRAZY here!

Would you PLEASE for the love of God, tell me what your book is about in your query!

At this point I'd settle for it being the last of 700 paragraphs (it should be the first of fewer than 7 in case you're missing point here) if I have to.

I've seen some really interesting ideas from writers that sound like they might have talent, but you've GOT to tell me what the book is about in the QUERY.

You cannot just include pages, or a synopsis, or a novel overview.

I need one hundred words that tells me What The Novel is About.

And right now, if it doesn't, I'm not writing back. I'm not reading pages. I'm saying no. Form rejection.

So, if you got one of those, and you look at what you sent, and there is NOT a paragraph that answers my questions What is your novel about? then do it OVER. And send it again.

I swear to God I'm looking for good projects, and I want to find them, but you've got to do your part here.

I simply cannot get a sense of what the novel is about in the first three pages. The reason I ask for those is to see how well you write.

And I don't want to read an entire synopsis, please don't make me. I hate them. They're dry and boring.

Please please please entice me to read your book by telling me what it's about.

Argh!

What on earth are you thinking?

1. You told me you don't read novels but you don't really have to because this one stands alone.

1a You tell me this is the thriller you've written cause there aren't any good thrillers being published right now.

1b. You've written a very clean but steamy romance that's not like all those other dirty books being published today

2. You describe the lessons people will learn from reading it

3. You describe the political leanings of the people who will read it...and those who won't like it.


My reply to all of these is a form letter but oh man I'd like to say more: More like you've GOT to be kidding, right?

1. The idea you'll write a novel without reading is like saying you'll play pro basketball but not practice with your team. You'll just show up and people will throw you the ball.

1a. The idea that you think there are no good thrillers today tells me either you don't read at ALL, or you really have a wacky sense of what's good. There are a LOT of books published these days. Surely one or two of them don't suck?

1b Dirt is in the eye of the beholder bucko. I'm not sure why you think all romances are dirty books. Maybe you've never seen some of the very popular and very nicely written books published by Steeple Hill.

2. I don't read fiction to learn lessons. No one does. They read for entertainment. The take away lessons are collateral value. And there's nothing worse than an author with a visible agenda. It's like visible pantie line. Or invisible swim trunks.

3. There's not a chance in the world you'll ever get this right. If you want to publish novels to promote a political agenda you'll need a more subtle approach. See: Clancy, Tom; Thor; Brad; Flynn, Vince.

Best line in a query today

"I hate to keep bothering you, but you're one of the few agents that sound like an actual person to me. So it's your own fault."


Me? HUMAN? Not on your life. Even my assistant is reptilian.

I know you think I'm dimwitted for failing to recognize your magnificance

But please let's all remember that a form rejection doesn't mean your work sucks.

It might, but honestly, I'm never going to say so.

Most often, it doesn't. If you've put a lot of thought and work into your manuscript it may have problems, but it doesn't truly suck. Quit gnawing yourself to death worrying about this. Gnawing is MY job.

Let's also remember "I was nominated for an Edgar" is nice but virtually meaningless in a query letter. There are literally hundreds of Edgar nominations; all it takes is a book and an entry form.

Even worse is "I was nominated but lost out to CJ Box" when you weren't even on the short list of finalists. That's clearly hoping I'm a total dimwit and don't know how the Edgars work.

I turn down publishable material every day for a variety of reasons; one might be the author seems like an arrogant asshat.

It's ok to BE arrogant, just work on concealing it better.

Just like it's ok to think I'm a dimwit as long as you don't actually convey that in your email.

This cracked me up, but I'm glad he wasn't on MY train

Vuvuzela Guy cheers for everything in NYC

If you watch it on mute you'll see a few of the amazing things that are daily life here in NYC: the official "you're invisible" response on the subway; the crazy hanger on getting into the act since he spies a camera; the hotdog man (notice how FAST he works!)

I ♥ this city, I do!

I'm not really sure Stuart Neville is the right guy to trash

I'll start out here with full disclosure: I admire Stuart Neville's books. His first GHOSTS OF BELFAST (which won the LA Times Book Award) was on my list of Sox Knockers of 2009.

I've met Stuart a couple of times and he's a buddy of my sushi swilling companion in karaoke Juliet Grames. He's a nice guy. A VERY nice guy ... I think. I don't intend to find out if I'm wrong because he writes some of the scariest fiction I've ever read, and what he does to people in those books scares bejesus out of me.


Which makes me wonder why anyone, unless they've taken leave of their senses, would purposely antagonize Stuart Neville. As it happens, someone is trying to poison his reviews on Amazon with a series of 1-star reviews. I wouldn't have noticed (although I do always read the 1-star reviews on books I buy) if Stuart hadn't noticed, and written about it here.

This guy has got to be deranged. And honest to god, he'd better hope Stuart Neville works out his annoyance on the page and thus won't be looking for someone to serve as a little hands-on research for the next novel.

DAY ONE contest results

I can't believe how many of you guessed I had ALL the Trixie Belden mysteries. You've really missed all my ranting about being a minimalist haven't you! I'm NOT a book collector at all...and you're glad of it considering I'm giving away my books here after I've read them.

On to the results:

I've read 15 and owned 12. I stopped buying them with my allowance money in 8th grade, but I read them for years afterwards. Comfort reads. I wanted to Be Trixie Belden in the worst way!

My favorite was THE BLACK JACKET MYSTERY. It introduced bad boy Dan Mangan from the city. Of COURSE I wanted a bad boy boyfriend from the City. (I'd say I still do but that would cause some Significant Other problems!)

Given no one actually got it totally right, it seems fair to award partial prizes. So, some of you get pages 1-100 of DAY ONE, another gets 101-150 and the third gets 150-end. Fair right?
Oh what is that howling I hear?

Sheesh,ok, three of you each get a copy of the whole book. Now, please put down the vuvuzelas.

As to the number:

JenJ at 17, Jenna Victoria at 16 and Leona at 15 were just a little too off the mark. Cat Moleski, at 6, really underestimated my love for Trixie Belden!

The winners are: Janelle at 14 and Alice at 10 who were both 2 off the mark.


Michael G-G came closest on the favorite title: he picked THE BLACK JACKET MYSTERY as my second favorite.


If each of the three of you will email me your mailing address, we'll get a copy out to you.

The Italians love CRASHERS!

Two of my favorite people in the world, talking to each other part D'oh

err.. part deux

Tawna Fenske and Bill Cameron.

Man oh man, I wish I'd have been there!


And this contest for a copy of DAY ONE requires a guess: Tawna Fenske mentions writing to an author of a series of books. I loved those books too. For the win: how many did I own and which was my favorite? (my mum and grandmama are disqualified from entering!)

Enter in the comments column of this post.

Two of my favorite people in the world, talking to each other*

Toni McGee Causey and Bill Cameron

*bonus points AND a copy of DAY ONE
to the first person who knows where I stole that line

Oh wait Toto, we ARE in Kansas (City!)

Jeffrey Deaver and Andrew Grant in Kansas City, Missouri this Wednesday June 16th.

You'd be crazy not to be there!

What, you haven't heard about DIE TWICE yet? Well, here's a very nice rundown for you!

Ahoy!

You know it's a good place to be when the rules of decorum include: code of conduct enforced by cutlass.

Yar! Pirate Writers!

Seton Hill anyone?

I'm attending the Seton Hill University Writing Conference June 25-27 and very much looking forward to it.

If you are going to be there, send me a tweet on twitter so I can add you to my Seton Hill Friends list and say hello before the actual conference.

If you don't have a clue what twitter is go here.

Type in my twitter name: @janet_reid.

You'll get the hang of it pretty quickly. It takes an hour or so the first time, but after that initial investment of time, it will be more fun and less work.

C'mon THINK!

I have a shiny new computer. It's a laptop. It has a screen the size of 2.5 mass market paperbacks. I measured.

My incoming email viewing screen is smaller. It's as wide as a mass market ppbk on its side, and about 2/3 the height of the same book. In other words it's about 4" high by 7" wide.

Now, why on earth would you be interested in knowing this?

Because maybe if you actually cut out a piece of paper the size of my incoming email view window you'll see why starting your query letter like this is not a good idea:

(Name)

(street address)

(City, State, Zip)

(Home phone)
(cell phone)
(email)
(date)

Ms. Janet Reid

FinePrint Literary Management


SENT VIA EMAIL


RE: Query Letter



I know who I am.
I know this is an email.
I even know it's a query.

Yes I want your contact info but NOT at the top of the letter.
Put it at the BOTTOM of an email query.

In case this has not dawned on you yet, I reply by hitting the REPLY key in my Entourage program. I don't retype your address. I don't pay any attention to it at all unless I need to. And even then, I look at your email address in the roster of incoming emails NOT the body of the email.


I'm reading on very small screen. DO NOT WASTE the first 15 lines by telling me anything except what the book is about.

I have colleagues who read their email on their PHONES. They're reading on a screen the size of your palm.

Every scroll down, every time we have to move past the nonsense is an opportunity to stop reading. Don't put in MORE of those opportunities. Put in FEWER.

A VISIT FROM THE GOON SQUAD

Gene Anbaum is half the fantastic team of UNSHELVED . I'm a devoted fan of the site, and the daily email that makes me laugh without fail.

Gene also does book mentions for books he's liked. I like them cause they're short, personal, and always make me want to read the book too.

I was delighted to see Gene talk about A VISIT FROM THE GOON SQUAD by Jennifer Egan. I first heard about this book during Jennifer's amazing presentation at BEA this year.






Here's what Gene has to say:

Bennie Salazar is a former punk rocker and now successful record producer. Sasha is his assistant. This book explores their lives and those of people whom they are connected with. Each chapter is written with a different voice and point of view, from Bennie’s band in the early days to a publicist friend of Sasha's who gets embroiled with a third-world dictator.


Why I picked it up: I was in the mood for a trashy rock 'n roll novel.


Why I finished it: I couldn't have been more mistaken about this book. It is a major work of fiction. The various character's lives form a complex web with unexpected and surprising connections, and as the book progressed from the past into the future my eyes got wider and wider. Chapter 12, "Great Rock and Roll Pauses", will start you off doubting, and then rock your world.


I'd give it to: My sister Becky. I am convinced she's got a book like this in her. No pressure.

It's not cheating

I almost had to laugh today when I got a very nice email from a querier. His was one of those many many queries that disappeared in the Great Email Debacle last weekend.

What perplexed me though was the note saying he KNEW he'd messed up the initial query...and that he hadn't fixed it.

The only explanation I could think of was you might that was somehow "cheating" to fix a query when requested to resend it.

It's not.

It's a mulligan, a total do-over.

If you get that chance here's what to do:

1. DO NOT explain all the stuff you did wrong
2. DO fix any mistakes/typos/problems before resending.
3. RESEND as though it was the original query.


I absolutely guarantee you that I don't remember what you sent before. Don't shoot yourself in the foot by reminding me.

And if you have not received a reply to your query, and you queried before June 5, RE-QUERY now!

Yes I'm a minimalist but this isn't how I hope you pare down

Alyssa Smith, an editor and friend, lost her apartment to a raging fire yesterday. Everything, everything is gone.

She is alive and well, as are the other people who lived in houses around hers. Sadly, some of the animals did not survive.

This is the kind of catastrophe that makes me laugh at how bothered I was by the Great Email Meltdown last weekend. What a silly thing that was to fret over.


There's a place to give money here



And there's a place to wrap her in an electronic hug: the comments section following this blog

Thanks for one, the other, or both.

One of the many reasons I love New York is here

Monday night at the Question Emporium

I would have sent this as a comment on your blog, but it didn't seem to fit on anything recent and I guess I'm a little clueless as to starting a new conversation via blogspot, if there is a such thing.

(there isn't but sometimes, when I'm too frustrated by my rendezvous with machinery and the computer age to do anything but snarl, I answer questions)

Anyway... in one of your older blogs you mentioned not sending you a bound book with an ISBN, etc. You cited "for obvious reasons." Well it is not so obvious to me, I guess.


That's ok. No one is actually born knowing all this stuff so here's why: if you send me printed book, who exactly is going to retype it? (Answer: not me)

Almost all editorial and production work is handled via electrons these days. Even on days (like today!) where I despise that, it's still true.

Even if it were not true, the first thing an agent or an editor does on a manuscript they're thinking of buying is run it through the xerox machine to give to other people to read. Impossible to do that with a "real" book.

And think simply in terms of aesthetics: I know it's a manuscript for consideration because it's on paper, or in a .doc. You send me a book and it's not instantly clear this is a submission. Trust me, those stupid details do count.

I self published my novel and it is on Amazon, but that is not to say I wouldn't love it to be traditionally published. Is that not an option now that I have gone the self-publishing route? I am curious because I have other work waiting in the wings and if self-publishing is the end of any book's publishing options, I want to know that.

There is no such thing as traditionally published, and I wish people would stop using that phrase to mean "published by someone other than a template printing press masquerading as a publisher."

The term was started by those in that business, and has been picked up by everyone.

Do I sound cranky? I am cranky. To say something has been traditionally published is meaningless. All major houses use print on demand technology when they need too. Some small presses offer no advance.

What exactly does traditionally published MEAN? I'll tell you what it means. It means you didn't print it at AuthorHouse/exLibris/PublishAmerica or some of those other template printing presses.

Rant over. Well, ok, rant adjourned.

What you mean is you've self published a book, and now you want to have someone else publish it and get the added value of an experienced publishing team working on your book in exchange for them keeping a chunk of the earnings. Not quite as snazzy as "traditionally published" but if you've got a better term, let me know.

I am honest enough with myself to know when I want to just get something out there and when I feel something really has mass market potential and I should hang on to it, query away and be patient.

I can't answer that since I've never seen your work, and even if I have, my crystal ball has a big old dent in it and all I can predict is yesterday.

I was considering sending you a query for a cookbook/relationship, non-fiction book, trying to be a good little writer and pouring over your requirements. So, what is a "platform/established presence?" I hope that doesn't apply to me, since I am then thinking the chicken and the egg. How can I get an established presence without publishing something?!


I think you mean poring; at least I hope you do, but if it's a cookbook and you are pouring, can you not get it on the new computer? I've had enough computer troubles to last a lifetime as of today.

Platform is not published books. For more on what it is get the excellent book GET KNOWN BEFORE THE BOOK DEAL by Christina Katz.

I hope I am not rambling or sounding ignorant. I especially hope this doesn't end up a post on "why you didn't respond to this nut." :)

You're in luck.

Well, ok, once was ...interesting, but let's not do THIS again!

I arrived home Friday night full of energy all ready to boot up my nice new laptop and get started learning how to make it do back flips.

And promptly managed to delete all my mail management data.

Think of it like this: Five YEARS of files in filing cabinets. Neatly labelled, sorted, organized, color coded. You can find things in less than a minute. It's a sweet system and clearly you've tempted the gods with hubris because what happens is: someone opened every one of the file drawers, turned it upside down and threw every piece of paper on the floor. And then turned on a fan.

Nothing is actually LOST but you sure as hell can't find it.


The only way to rebuild the data base at this point is to download every piece of email since 2006 and link it back in to the mail management program.

Ok. No problem. I can do this while I read.
And read.
And read.

It turns out (no surprise here) I have a LOT of email.

About 40,000. That's received AND sent.

It's turned out to be an interesting little exercise.

It was actually kind of fun to see the first emails from my earliest clients (Jeff Somers, Evan Mandery, Sean Ferrell.) Then up pop a few more. A long spate of no one new, then a few more.

It was almost like flipping through an old photo album. Emails I'd long forgotten about were back on my screen.

Lots of email to editors for projects I didn't sell them.
Lots of emails to editors just filed away because they've moved on to new jobs so I didn't need to link or remember the old addresses.

The heartbreaking ones from friends and editors and queriers who have since died. Elaine Flinn. Laura Hruska. James Farmer. People I liked a lot, and still miss.

Lots and lots of queries of course. With this many emails, I can see people who've queried me more than ten times over the years. People who queried me but ended up elsewhere, happily.

It's now 4:00pm on Sunday afternoon. I've been at this for more than 24 hours and I still have a YEAR (at least it's the last one!) to go. This year will take a while. One thing that's really obvious now is my email volume has doubled every year for three years. I'd guessed it was increasing but I had no idea it was this much.

Part of that is more queries. Part of that is running QueryShark. Part of it is being part of a larger agency with emails flying back and forth about cupcake shenanigans and who is responsible for bartending for the Herpet American assssistant when I'm not around.

The one thing that remains to be seen is if I can actually do the transfer this time without erasing anything.

If you hear a giant scream around 4am, and CNN reports NYC has fallen into the Atlantic, you'll know who to blame: Suzie Townsend. She actually had the nerve to leave town to attend a writing conference. (Cody, Wyoming this is All Your Fault!) As you can see, the rule that I'm not allowed to touch machinery without supervision really does need to be tattooed on my head.

okedokey!

Ferrell for the win

Small problem

If you queried me after May 20, you should resend the query.

I managed to make my mail management system collapse when I was transferring data to a new computer.

Oof.

YOU has a winner

YOU will recall there was an arc of YOU in the office recently. LOTS of people wanted it:





The contest for YOU drew quite a few entries, AND one distinctly evil evil evil hijacker!




Fortunately I was able to track The Hijacker to her hideout, hinder her hijinx and hie away with YOU safely stuffed in my satchel!

She'll live (maybe!)


It took awhile to post the winner because there's a Very Special Extra Dose of Amazing: the arc of YOU is now signed by the author! Thank you Charles Benoit!

And now, to the entries!



Best use of Peter Rubie in a contest entry!
Marsha Sigman


Nice poems from:
Derek Whisman
Steve Forti
Casey McCormick

Totally disqualified after the Herpet-American assssssssistant read it:
Sneaky Agent-man
Janet Johnson

Two of you thought I've read The Purloined Letter once too often:
Gilbert J. Avila
Stella

Two of you were really deranged by hope and thought I'd just send it to you:
Josin L. McQuein
Kari Lynn Dell



These three were hilarious:
Ashley A.
Nancy Coffelt
Dylan



And then there were some actual locations offered up:

The Herpet American Assistant!
Daryl Sedore
Joyce

The Slithery Barbara Poelle's office
Jennifer N

the closet
Delilah S. Dawson

Jeff Somers' pants
Patty

the liquor cabinet
Renee Pinner


backstage at a Broadway show
ninidee

Godsend Meredith's washer and dryer
Meredith

the psych ward
Dawn

Friendlys on Madison Avenue
Shelli Carnelison

bookshelf in the bedroom
absoluteleejj

messenger bag
PD Singer

Alaska!
Melissa

Stephany Evans' desk
LTM

top shelf
David Alton Dodd

bookshelf guarded by Herpet American Asssssistant
Rebecca T. Little

The Rejectionist's desk
Piper Quinn

Wen 文鮫 Vegan Chinese:
John


There were some very zen locations offered by:
KD James
Mina
Fanfreakingtastic Flower
Jenny Tonks
Sophie Playle
Jael


And one of you actually got it right:
Laurie Lamb


Here's her comment:

Oh where, oh where is the ARC of YOU?
You search and search for the right clue.

You monitor Janet's excellent blog,
Until your poor brain is lost in a fog.

Then you are on the edge of your seat,
When you notice a really good tweet.

YOU's on the desk of Suzie Townsend,
Somewhere near her deft mouse hand.

How to get it I'll tell you,
I'll say please and, of course, thank you.



Laurie Lamb, you are the winner of YOU!
(send me your mailing address for the prize!)

YOU was indeed exactly where Laurie thought it was:


and all she had to do was say "please!"

I know...very very devious.

Robin Becker's BRAINS are here!

Robin Becker's blog post about her pub day is hilarious!

I wonder if she knows the book to the left of BRAINS is JANE SLAYRE (also a FPLM book!)

Posted without comment...I'll leave that to y'all

click image to enlarge

Oh, the places you'll go!...when your boots are made for..

writing!

(in case you don't know,
that's amazing Joanna Stampfel Volpe on the left
and her client Kody Keplinger on the right.)

212-GIM-MEEE!

Riiiiing!
Riiiing!

Me (reaching for cell phone hidden under octopus): Whut?

Chipper voice: This is Inge VonPeepenskeeven, formerly of the Slitherina Literary Agency and Gin Appreciation Society! Happy DAY ONE Day!

Me: huh, whut???

Inge: (quite chipper, clearly too happy to last long in publishing) Today is the launch date for Bill Cameron's DAY ONE! We're calling to make sure you have your copy?

Me: WHUT????


Inge: Please, Miss Reid, have you bought a copy of DAY ONE yet?

Me: Buy? BUY? I have YET to forgive Bill Cameron for What He Did to Eager™.! BUY A COPY? He'll be lucky if I ever tweet to him again, that rapscallion reprobate! (sounds of snarling and octopus scuttling under desk)

Inge: Miss Reid? Miss Reid?

Me: WHAT!

Inge: Mr. Cameron sent cupcakes to your office. Miss Townsend and Miss Barnes are poised like raptors with forks and serviettes. Miss Evans, in fact BOTH Miss Evans, are swinging from the chandelier by their knees holding tongs!

Me: All is forgiven! I'll be RIGHT there! Hold them off Inge! Hold them OFF!







Inge: Where oh where did I put my application for the convent?

TrueBlood fans!

The best thing about going to see Robin Hood (other than what happened in the post below) was seeing all the TrueBlood fans! Tonight there was a screening at the theatre. Our first clue was the table and bevy of publicists.




But the next BIG clue was the line outside: people clearly in "I'll wait here for hours if I have to mode!"




And yes, it was a thrill to see the marquee!

D'oh

Me: Hey Suzie! Look at those cool Simpsons figures! Go sit in Homer's lap; I'll take your picture; it'll be fun.

Suzie: OK!

Sliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide.

Passing NYT Bestselling author: are you ok?

Me: (unable to reply due to guffaws at Suzie knocking over every single Simpson in her slide to the floor)

Suzie: yes, I'm fine! SHE however (pointing at me) is chum!

Me: Wait! Wait! I want to take your picture!

Suzie: Janet, I'm going to beat you to a pulp with that camera one of these days!