Monday, September 27, 2010

Hello Hello!

Remember this?

Well, we're going to be proactive now:


Thank you for calling ULTIMATE LITERARY AGENT SERVICES COMPANY WHOSE NAME YOU SHOULD ALREADY KNOW!

For information on what to do next, PRESS 1.

For information on how to sell your stellar idea, PRESS 2.

For information about how to locate our website, which is conveniently named the same as the listing in whatever registry gave you this number, PRESS 3

For information on how to find someone to tell you how to write the book yourself, PRESS 4

For back patting and hand-holding, PRESS 5

For an open-ended call to vent your frustration, PRESS 6

To be considered as canon (get it! get it!?) fodder in one of our clients' next books, PRESS 7

To pitch the whole dang thing over the phone, query first, then your synopsis, and five pages (please enunciate clearly and spell any "odd" names of people, places, or species), Press 8

If you believe someone is still waiting to answer your questions, Press 9, then do some research.

Please be aware that pressing any number will result in the call being immediately terminated.

Thank you for calling. Have a nice day.





18 comments:

Downith said...

Love it! Which is wierd because usually I can't stand voicemail hell - in your case, I think it's justified.

Lindsay said...

LOL! :)

sue harrison said...

Rats! I was about to press "5"!

wry wryter said...

I am pressing 1 thru 6 which means I am a 0

Project Savior said...

Oddly enough I would like that service, even if all the recordings were erased without an agent listening to them.

Sarah W said...

I'm surprised each choice doesn't ring Writers House. . . Or would that be actionable?

I guess I'd worry less about lawsuits than in revenge. Never mind!

Simon C. Larter said...

Will pressing 0 get me an operator?

Matthew AT Banning said...

LOL!!!! I love it!!!

My eyes have remained bugged for the last few minutes and I need to remove my jaw from the floor!

I love number 8!! I'd love to see the kind of terminating happens over that one.

You should tell us the kind of terminating happens for each number! :D

Anne-Marie said...

For a good laugh, press enter on Janet's blog link.

xx
AM

Gayle Carline said...

Having a rough day, are we?

Ricky Bush said...

That's pretty much how I visualized a query phone call would go. Some people are more hands on than I am, though.

erica and christy said...

We were so excited to call and press six and go on and on, not even caring that probably no one was listening and/or people were making fake finger guns and shooting themselves and other people or fake-tying a hangman's noose and then cocking their heads at strange angles, pretending to be dead while we're still going on and on into the phone.

But then we got to the end of the post.

We'll go back to yelling at trees like we usually do.

Steve Stubbs said...

Which number do editors press during an auction when they want to see that million dollar bid on your next short story and raise it $500,000?

Douglas Morrison said...

Got it! You're saying people should call you at home.... :-)

M.A.Leslie said...

I have read several places that you can't call for a query. I must say that your version was the most entertaining.

Figured I would post this because there was no number to enter to reply to the blog.

Maryann Miller said...

Where was this feature when I was editing a magazine and had writers calling me who had no sense of how to make a professional approach?

Donnell said...

LOL. This was great. But I don't know which was more clever. Janet's post or the responses. I love... Got it... I should call you at home. ;)

Josin L. McQuein said...

:-D